Title: The Girl who would be Queen
Author: Starbuck1980 (Livejournal and Tumblr)
Fandom: Once Upon a Time
Pairing: Swan Queen
Rating: NC17 for trigger warnings and language (and eventual sexy times)
Summary: Eventual spoilers for Stable Boy S01E18.
Emma is sent a book, similar to Henry's containing the story of the Evil Queen's past and it makes her question everything she knows. I am ignoring the whole M&M jail storyline. (Mixed Fairy Tale Land with Storybrook) Warning this is dark & twisty, see triggers below.
This chapter is especially dark with triggers that I have stated below.
Trigger Warnings: Child abuse – Physical and emotional, emotional neglect. Cutting/suicidal tendencies, flashbacks, nightmares, Self-loathing. Please consider before you read this if you have been/still are affected by any of these. I write from experience so these scenes are fairly detailed and could be difficult to read. I do not in any way condone cutting but having lived with this tendency for a long time, I understand it. I am also in no way saying that if you are affected by abuse, you should keep quiet. In fact if you or someone you know has been affected by any of these topics, please consider seeking help. There is someone out there who can and will help you and if the first person doesn't believe someone else will.
Disclaimer: I own nothing; if I did OUaT would be taking a very different path with this pairing. Chapter titles are taken from various Evanescence songs; part ten is taken from Where will you go. All rights belong to Disney/ABC and Amy Lee/Evanescence.
Part Ten – Where will you go, with no one left to save you from yourself?
You think that I can't see right through your eyes
Scared to death to face reality
No one seems to hear your hidden cries
You're left to face yourself alone
- Where will you go, Evanescence
Emma woke up with a start, Regina's head still nestled against her stomach and the brunette's arm draped casually over Emma's hips. Regina began to stir, groaning as she sat up, a frown consuming her face. Emma looked at her from her half-seated position and gave her a weak smile.
'How're you feeling?' Emma asked as Regina swung her legs over the edge of the bed, her elbows on her knees and her head in her hand.
For a moment Regina didn't speak and it wasn't until Emma sat next to her, a hand stroking up her back, that Regina snapped.
'Don't,' the brunette warned as she stood up, spinning around to face Emma.
'What the fuck are you even doing in my house?" Regina spat as Emma rose to her full height, her hands held up in a defensive gesture inching towards the flustered brunette.
'I found you on the floor in your office, remember?' Emma reminded, closing the distance between them slowly and rubbing her hand down Regina's sweater clad arm. '…half comatose with a broken, but empty decanter on the floor and pills all over your desk,' Emma continued, wondering if she was out of her depth. Maybe she should've called an ambulance but she had wanted to spare the Mayor the embarrassment of an overdose being reported in the town newspaper. Emma's hand continued down Regina's forearm, trying to calm her. When she touched her wrist Regina visibly winced and Emma felt something sticky against her fingers. She looked at Regina's sleeve and saw that it was stained red with blood.
'Oh God, Regina did you cut yourself when the decanter broke?' Emma asked looking down as she tried to grab Regina's hand but the brunette spun away.
'Don't touch me!' Regina yelled as she made for the bathroom, the same bathroom that Emma had tended her wounds in the dream she had had. She slammed the door behind her and Emma heard the lock turn.
'Come on, don't do this Regina. Just let me have a look?' Emma called through the door slightly exasperated.
'Just go Sheriff Swan,' Regina yelled through the door. 'Your assistance is not needed here,' she yelled again, sitting on the edge of the bath in the dark wishing the blonde would just go away. She daren't open the door, daren't let Emma in, God only knows what would happen if she did.
She pulled off her sweater, dropping it in the bath and soaking it in water. She'd be lucky if that amount of blood would come out.
'Fine Regina, do what you want but I'm not leaving. I'm going down to make some coffee and clean up the decanter,' Emma yelled through the door.
Regina heard Emma leave the room, a sob escaping her lips. How could this be happening? What had she been thinking? Clearly she hadn't been thinking, she didn't even remember taking that many pills or even drinking that much. Her mind whirled, trying to come up with a good way to make Emma Swan leave. Her cheeks burned as she remembered coming round in Emma's arms with Emma's fingers down her throat. Dear God, she had to leave. She sank down to the floor, her back against the cabinets, maybe if she never came out of the bathroom Emma would get sick of waiting. Highly unlikely, she thought, knowing how stubborn the woman was she would probably break the door down instead.
Emma went into the study, dustpan and brush in hand. She inspected the shards of crystal noting that there was no blood on any of the shards, or anywhere in the room that she could see. Luckily the decanter had been empty, it was just a shame it hadn't landed on the rug.
After cleaning the study Emma went back into the kitchen and poured out two cups of coffee, some half and half and large glass of water for Regina, setting them on a tray with a sugar bowl. She paused for a moment, wondering what on earth she was going to say to get Regina to unlock the door, before she made her way upstairs. The bathroom scene from her dream flashed into her head, the cuts on Regina's thighs, and she tried to ignore the odd coincidence of this mysterious cut on her wrist. Emma couldn't quite believe under all that bravado that the Mayor was just damaged as the rest of the town, perhaps even more so, but it appeared to be a very real possibility. Her thoughts wandered back to the book, surely not? But something like the abuse in that book would certainly explain Regina's behaviour. She shook her head, an odd coincidence, she justified, ignoring how many of these coincidences were stacking up now. Her thoughts went back to her dream from last night, the scared frightened Regina lying in the straw. Emma just had to get the Mayor to lower her defences a little and let her help, but that was certainly easier said than done. She sighed at the impending task and entered Regina's bedroom.
'Hey Madam Mayor, I made some coffee why don't you come out and give it a try,' Emma called out as she rapped her knuckles on the door. She walked over to the heavy drapes and pulled them back, letting in the bright afternoon sun.
'C'mon Regina,' She said, standing at the window and looking out at the mayor's beloved apple tree heavy with white blossom, the one she had taken a chainsaw to. She felt slightly guilty given the present situation. The silence lingered for a moment or two before Emma heard the lock on the bathroom door click. She walked toward it cautiously but Regina made no move to open the door.
Regina pushed herself to a standing position, leaning on the sink and staring at her harried reflection in the mirror. She splashed water over her face before greedily cupping her hands to wash the taste of bile from her mouth. She looked at herself in the mirror again, the dark bags under her eyes betraying her.
She slid back down on the floor, trying to push aside the feeling that her world was spiralling out of control. She had tried to make it change so many times, to form it to her will, and she had been cursed with this. To live in this place without power. She shook her head, tears filling her eyes; did she really want that back? Did she really want that power knowing what it had done to her? What it had cost her? Who she had killed in order to obtain it and who she had killed since? Isn't that what this was about? Guilt eating away at her soul and her conscience bitching at her night after night? Then there was her mother. She pushed that thought away; she'd rather deal with her conscience than deal with the pain thoughts of her mother caused.
She heard footsteps enter the room beyond and Emma call out to her once and then a second time. Maybe it was because anything was better than being stuck in a room with her own thoughts or maybe it was because she knew, somewhere, that she needed something drastic to free her from this pain, but for whatever reason she unlocked the door. If she had thought about it too hard she would've reconsidered and so she didn't move from her place on the floor, she didn't open the door. If Emma Swan wanted in then she would have to make the first move.
Regina trembled as she sat on the cold tile, waiting for Emma to open the door. She wasn't sure why she was shaking, she wasn't cold, but she then realised she was scared, trepidation rising up to choke her as she sat waiting. What was she so afraid of? Emma Swan? Or the ramifications of her opening that door, of her finding Regina bleeding from a self-inflicted wound? Was it the knowledge that Regina wasn't as perfect as she claimed or was it something deeper? Was it that she was afraid of Emma finding out the truth about who she really was, of Emma finding out and then leaving in disgust. Yes, she didn't want to let Emma Swan in because she was afraid she would leave if she found out what Regina had done to herself and to Storybrook.
Regina hugged her knees like a frightened child as Emma Swan opened the door. She took in Regina, huddled on the floor wearing a tank top and her smart slacks, and something undefined came over her face. Recognition maybe, like she was remembering something. Regina blinked up at her, squinting at the light from the bedroom.
Without saying a word Emma sat down next to Regina and took her left hand in her own, turning Regina's arm over so she could inspect the wound. Emma stood for a moment, flicking on the light above the sink and soaking a washcloth in cold water as déjà vu ran through her mind. She squeezed out the excess water and sat back down. She looked at Regina for a moment who was staring at her, suspicion clearly masking her features. Then Emma pulled the soaked dressing from Regina's arm as the brunette grimaced, the tiny hairs on her arm pulled out from the roots. Emma placed the wash cloth over the cut and Regina winced.
'Do you have a first aid box?' Emma asked as she pressed down hard on the cut.
'In the main bathroom medicine cabinet,' Regina said softly. Emma nodded taking Regina's right hand and pressing it against the wash cloth. Emma stood to go but as she stepped towards the door, Regina grabbed her hand.
'Thank you,' Regina whispered hoarsely. Emma smiled down her in response.
'Just keep pressing down hard ok?'
Emma stood in the main bathroom, looking at herself in the mirrored door of the medicine cabinet. She knew Regina had cut herself purposely but did she know because the dream had told her or did she know because she'd seen this before? She'd been in the foster system for God's sake; she'd seen this and more so why didn't she recognise the signs? Perhaps it was because she had never expected the infallible Mayor to be someone who took a blade to her skin; or maybe she hadn't wanted to see it. Thinking back the signs had been there, no one that tightly wound did not have some kind of vice to help them deal. God damn it, she had been so stupid. She ran a hand through her hair, pulling it back into a lose ponytail.
As she entered the en-suite, first aid box tucked under her arm, she looked carefully at Regina. She looked so small slumped on the floor, like she was trying desperately to curl herself inward so she could just disappear. Her head rested on her knees as she continued press down on the cut, she hadn't even noticed Emma was there; her eyes staring vacantly into space in the opposite direction.
Emma went in and sat down beside Regina, causing her to jump involuntarily as she was pulled from her reverie. Emma opened the box, frowning at the situation she found herself in. She wasn't qualified to be dealing with this but who else would Regina allow to help her? Dr Hopper? Emma didn't think so, she couldn't really see Regina sitting down and talking about her feelings. And she had to have gotten those pills from him. It made her so mad that he had just given out a prescription to her without really checking her over. Emma had no doubt in her mind that Regina must have threatened him but still, she could've died!
'Miss Swan?' Regina prompted softly as she gazed at Emma.
Emma hadn't realised that she just been staring at the first aid box.
'Sorry I was just thinking,' Emma replied vaguely. She cleaned the wound, pulling it together with little strips of tape before covering it with a dressing and winding a bandage tightly around Regina's arm.
'Now are you coming out of the bathroom or are you going to sit in here all afternoon?' Emma asked evenly as she got to her feet. She held her hand out to help Regina up and as she pulled her up Regina stumbled towards Emma, her body bumping against the blonde's. Regina grabbed for Emma's shoulder to steady herself and Emma's arms encircled Regina's waist unintentionally pulling her close. Regina looked up into green eyes and then down to Emma's lips acutely aware of the heat radiating from Emma.
Emma smiled for a moment, loosening her grip on Regina's waist but Regina didn't move, her body still pressed up against Emma's. Regina bit her lip, slowly moving her hands from Emma's shoulder to her neck as she tugged out Emma's pony tail before burying her fingers in blonde hair and pulling Emma's head closer, their lips almost touching.
'Regina?' Emma breathed before Regina closed the distance, brushing Emma's lips with her own. Regina's lips were soft against her own, pressing gently as she ran her hands along Regina's back, her lips parting slightly to allow Regina's tongue to slip inside.
That annoying niggle crept back into her mind as Regina's tongue caressed her own sending tiny pulses of pleasure down her spine right to her centre. Regina sucked Emma's bottom lip into her mouth dragging her teeth over it before claiming Emma's mouth again and the thought was lost before it solidified. Regina began to move Emma backward towards the wall, her chest filling with wanton need and then Emma's fingers were in her hair, pulling her closer. Their lips broke apart, both of them heaving from lack of air as dark eyes sought out green. Regina's scent was causing Emma's head to swim, she wanted Regina's lips back on her own but she couldn't allow her want to cloud her judgement. This was exactly how it had been the other day when they had first kissed; Regina had that same desperation in her eyes. This wasn't about Emma; this was about Regina trying to hurt herself. Regina was gazing up at Emma hungrily but as she brought her lips forward, her eyes half closing, Emma placed a finger to Regina's lips.
'Not like this, honey,' Emma said, the term of endearment out before she could stop it.
Regina pulled back in utter disgust and confusion as hurt flashed across her features. Not again, came to the forefront of Regina's mind and she stepped back further, heading for the door into her bedroom.
'Regina?' Emma called out as she reached for the brunette's hand, pulling her back into Emma's embrace. Regina struggled for a moment, clearly not happy about being rejected and then pulled back to Emma's waiting warmth.
'Listen to me, will you?' Emma asked as she held tightly to Regina's flailing arms, thinking for a moment that Regina might reach up and slap her but she stilled, refusing to make eye contact.
'I'm not going to be some quick fuck, that you can push out the door when you're done with me,' Emma spelled out.
Regina's eyes shot up to meet Emma's, a scowl narrowing them as scorn burnt through her glare. She struggled to free her arms from Emma's tight grip.
'If…' Emma began but Regina struggled harder, unwilling to hear what the blonde had to say. Emma tightened her grip, pushing Regina up against the wall in her place.
'Will you stop?' Emma asked as Regina's stomach dipped at being thrown up against the wall where they had just been kissing.
'I don't want to hear it,' Regina stated, her voice raw, her defiant eyes shining back at Emma.
'Tough, you're going to because if you want this… If you want me…,' Emma began.
'And what makes you think I do, Sheriff Swan?' The Mayor interrupted, lowering her gaze.
'If you want me and I think you do,' Emma said pointedly, 'I am not going to be a quick fuck. I want all of you, not just the part of you that's hurting and needs to feel something real,' she finished, watching Regina's eyes snap up in angry recognition, glaring back at Emma.
'You don't know anything Sheriff,' Regina bit back defensively.
'I know I want us to stop playing games. I know that you didn't cut yourself on that decanter and I know that I probably just saved your life,' Emma stated, a litany of crimes. She took a deep breath, 'But I also know that I want you,' she said softer, pausing for a moment at her own admission, 'but not like this,' she concluded, loosening her grip on Regina's arms but keeping her pinned with the weight of her body. 'For that to happen, you're going to have to trust me a little…' Emma added.
Regina looked more than a little horrified at the suggestion.
'I know you don't think you can trust me and we haven't always seen eye to eye but I know something is going on with you and I just saved you a whole lot of embarrassment by not calling the paramedics when I found you,' Emma asserted, 'What are you so afraid of?'
'I'm not afraid' Regina stated indignantly.
'Then what Regina?' Emma asked she slid her hand up Regina's toned neck to cup her cheek gently. 'You really think I can't see through that mask of yours?' Emma uttered softly, trying to catch Regina's gaze. Regina huffed, biting her lip, purposely looking beyond Emma.
'Look at me,' Emma commanded a bit harsher than she had intended to.
Regina's dark eyes shot to her own.
'You see what I want you to see and no more,' The Mayor shot back, trying to escape the weight of Emma's warm body even as she wanted that body to consume her.
'Really? So you wanted me to see you lying on the floor practically comatose, did you?' Emma threw at her, 'And you wanted me to see that cut on your arm, are there more Regina or is that it?' Emma said annoyed by Regina's resistance. She glanced down the Mayor's body to the place where she instinctively knew there would be more scars, partly to see if her theory would be correct. Regina squirmed under Emma's gaze finally pushing Emma back and escaping into the bedroom.