Chapter ten Surprise expect the unexpected

(This chapter is set in Sara's point of view in the first person what are her feelings and how will she take the news or will she?)

I Sara Sidle had just turned thirty six years old. I was single and living all alone for the first time in two years. I had gotten used to having someone around to love, comfort and be worried about me. Now there was no one. I was it the only person in my life was me.

My mother had just passed away and I have to tell you I had been feeling very lonely for the past two weeks. I never expected Grissom to react the way he did when I got back. But what should I expect; I had just up and left him high and dry with no warning except a goodbye kiss and a letter.

I now knew how he must have felt. It must have been devastating for him. He had always been worried that I would just up and leave him one day. What he didn't know is it wasn't because of him that I left. I had to leave because I was sick inside I could not take one more depressing moment of that job. I had thoughts of suicide and more over I did not want him to watch me drown. Now my nightmares were a thing of the past seeing my mom again and revisiting my past had tremendously helped my psyche. Emotionally I felt better than I had in almost six years. However physically now I felt sick.

I went upstairs into my bedroom; I grabbed my robe and a towel and headed into the bathroom to take a shower. After my shower I grabbed the paper bag with the seven (yes seven different pregnancy tests) pregnancy tests that I had purchased and I grabbed a paper cup and alleviated my bladder into it. Then I ripped them open one by one dipped them into the cup put the caps back on and started the five minute timer.

It amazed me that it only could take five minutes to tell you are pregnant but it takes a whole lifetime how to learn to be a mother. That was the longest five minutes of my life. I just sat there on the toilet seat waiting for the clock to beep.

Thoughts of dread and despair came flying into my mind. I had never wanted to be a mother. I was afraid no petrified of children. The way that they look at you when something is wrong and cry for no reason. They have no control over their emotions. The thoughts of being responsible for another human life scared me to death. I had a hard enough time just taking care of myself. How in the world was I ever going to be able to take care of a little helpless infant? What was I going to do when that infant became a teenager and started dating and asking me the questions of life? I didn't even know the answer to the questions of life myself.

I had never had much of a mother; I had grown up as a foster kid shuffled around from house to house. I had no stability growing up and what I remembered of my parents was down right scary. I remember the nights of having my arm twisted and thrown into my room because the house wasn't clean. I remember getting yelled at by my father when my mother didn't come home from work on time and there was no dinner on the table.

Would I be like my father and mother? Or would I just shut down like I did after Natalie took me? It had taken me six months of extreme therapy just to be able to talk about that night. Now here it was eight months later and my life was changing faster than I could even imagine.

What was I going to tell Grissom? Did he trust me? Would he even believe that he was the father? Or would he think that I cheated on him with someone else. Grissom and I had talked about having children both of us had come to the same conclusion that it was hard enough just taking care of the dog. We were happy with each other and we were too old to be parents. He had told me that he himself liked children but that he never wanted any of his own. His job was just too hectic to take care of one.

We had both been content with the thought of getting married and growing old together by ourselves with our dog we didn't need any more emotional or physical responsibility. We had always been very careful and timed everything just right. We were always prepared for whatever lies ahead and now here I was facing a moment of truth that I didn't know if I could bear.

Finally I heard the beep of the stop watch. Well its now or never I thought. The first one I picked up had two pink lines across which meant POSITIVE I think I just died no way could this be happening to me. The second one was a digital one again in the window it said PREGNANT! No way it had to be wrong it just had to be. The third one again positive and the fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh all read in a big way PREGNANT. I Sara Sidle was now responsible for a tiny being that was growing inside of me half of me and half of Grissom and I was scared to death.

I was sick to my stomach after the show that I had in the bathroom. I leaned over the toilet and retched until I could retch no more. Then the faucet turned on I started bawling. I was in no way prepared to do this with someone yet now I found my self alone and all by myself. The burden was great and I just wanted to crawl in bed and die and never return. So for that night that is exactly what I did. I put on Grissom's old Harvard sweat shirt which still smelled of him crawled under my covers and cried myself to sleep.