Chapter Ten: Bittersweet Bonds

I knew I couldn't stand against the side of the building forever, so I pushed myself off and walked back towards the gym. Taking in the air after Colin's failed attempts at kissing me, and doing god knows what else, was a huge relief as I stood in the doorway. I looked around and through the godforsaken disco lights, which flashed over every foreseeable surface, but I couldn't for the life of me see Franny.

My heart hammered in my chest as I walked back inside, my fists balled at my sides as I walked through the gym. I walked out the inside doors and into the hallway of the high school, knowing that I had to look inside the ladies' room first. I came to the nondescript black door, with the stereotypical woman plastered on its surface and pushed it open. However, all I saw were a handful of girls puking or adjusting their makeup, and none of them were Franny. I allowed the door to slam shut as I stumbled back into the hallway, knowing that I had to find Franny, and fast, because the very notion of where we were was enough now.

I walked down the rest of the hallway then, the sight of couples making out in various alcoves sickening to me as I continued. Shaking my head, I turned the corner, continuing down the next hallway, hoping that I'd be able to find her. I even ended up pulling out my phone and texting her, but there was nothing. However, about midway down the final hallway I decided to look down, I heard the sound of drunken laughter coming from a janitor's closet. I would recognize that laugh anywhere, I knew that, and as I neared the door and pushed it open, my mouth fell a good thousand feet at the sight staring back at me.

. . .

"Thanks for letting me take a shower," I said to Franny, once we'd all eaten too many pancakes and Ezra was down for the count for his mid-morning nap, after a grand total of four books. "I mean… Thanks for, you know, everything."

Franny crossed her arms. "Even the change of clothes?"

I rolled my eyes. "You know very well that you borrow my clothes, too, and that I've even left some clothes here…"

She scoffed. "Whatever."

"Thank god we both had off today," I said, leaning back on her couch and rolling my sore shoulders against it. "I really needed this…"

Franny sighed. "Look, I'm more than happy to have you here, Iana, but…"

I lifted my head then, confused by her tone. "What?"

"Well, I'd like to know if I'm harboring a fugitive or not," she replied, spreading her hands as she looked confused. "I mean… Where the hell were you last night?"

I lowered my eyes. "Oh. That."

"Yeah. That," she said, clearly concerned. "You couldn't have been at Uncle Ian and Mick's place because they would've said something to your parents," Franny went on. "And Uncle Lip and Mandy's place is out, too, because they denied seeing you."

I sighed. "Lucky me."

"What do you mean?"

I locked my eyes with hers. "They may have figured out about…" I waved my hand around my stomach. "…all of this."

"Christ, Iana," Franny said, dragging her hands through her hair. "Just tell me where the hell you were last night. Please."

"I was with Liam, okay?" I said, huffing a little then.

Franny straightened up then. "Liam? As in Liam Kennedy? As in that delectable and delicious twenty-one-year-old who spoke at our high school graduation?"

I pursed my lips. "I think delectable and delicious mean the same thing…"

"Don't correct me and focus here!" Franny said, clapping her hands. "So, you were with Liam Kennedy last night?"

I sighed. "Yeah, I already said that."

"You meet at the diner again?"

I shook my head. "No. Too obvious."

"Okay. So where were you?"

"I may have gone to his place…"

Franny raised her eyebrows. "His place?"

I swallowed then, hating the sensation of being backed into a corner. "Yeah. His place."

"Christ. What was it like?"

"Gorgeous," I replied.

"Was he expecting you?"

"No."

"Wait. You just showed up and he let you in?!"

I rolled my eyes. "Pretty much, yeah."

"And you were with him all night?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I guess I was…"

"Did you just sleep or did you talk…?"

I rolled my head back so as I was looking at the ceiling. "Jesus, Franny, this is me we're talking about here."

"You mean…? Oh, Iana, you didn't…"

"Of course we did, Franny. We fucked for hours like a pair of fucking rabbits."

"So, I take it you didn't tell him?"

"What's to tell him?" I asked, shrugging my shoulders. "I'm getting an abortion anyway. Once that happens…" I shrugged again. "…I'll just go off to Northwestern and get my degree and it'll be like this entire summer never happened."

"Iana, this is Liam's life, too…"

I shook my head. "I never made Liam any promises, and he didn't make me any either. We're just friends who like to have fun. He doesn't owe me a thing, just like I don't owe him a thing. I don't have to tell him I'm pregnant, because it's not his sperm connected to my damned egg and I'm getting rid of it."

"What would you do if it wasn't Andy's?"

I felt stiff then as I turned and looked at Franny. "What?"

"What would you do if the baby wasn't Andy's?"

I shook my head at her. "Don't call it a 'baby', Franny. It's not, and will never be a baby to me, under any circumstances whatsoever."

"Don't dodge the question on a technicality, Iana," Franny said, straightening up then. "I'm serious about this."

I rolled my eyes. "So am I. It's not a baby, and I'm getting an abortion."

"Just fucking listen to me for two seconds, Iana! What would you do if the baby was Liam's and not Andy's?!"

"I'd still get rid of it!" I yelled then, my voice raw then, as I got to my feet. "Because I'm tired of living here and I don't want to live and die here! It may be all right for you and my mother and the rest of this family but I'm so done with the South Side! I don't believe what people say; it can't be in my blood or define me. I want to go out there and make something of myself."

"But what about the diner?" Franny asked. "You still want to run it?"

I shrugged. "Maybe, I don't know. All I do know is that I have to get out of here while I still can, while I still have options, and while I still can get rid of this thing," I said, walking over to the front door, hating that my voice broke at the end there as I yanked it open with the last of my strength and slammed it behind me.

. . .

"Give me your keys. I'm driving."

Franny said nothing to me then, but merely handed over the keys of her borrowed car and leaned on me as I took her out into the parking lot. Her fishnets were ripped and her makeup was smeared with sweat; her hair was a complete haystack, and her heels were in her free hand. "I guess I should say 'thanks'..."

I nearly stopped walking at the sound of her voice in my ear; her breath reeked of cheap vodka which the punch at the dance had been laced with; it was also distorted, due to her drunkenness at having had way too much. "Don't mention it," I replied, unlocking the car and getting her into the passenger seat and shutting the door. "Let's just hope Pops's under the table driving lessons come in handy," I went on as I got into the driver's seat. "God knows what'll happen if a cop pulls us over…"

"Your parents still at your grandparents tonight?"

I nodded, sticking the keys into the ignition. "Yeah. Guess the whole thing about waiting for your child to be a sophisticated teenager didn't really work out for them," I went on as I turned to look behind me as I stepped on the gas and pulled carefully out of the space. "But you know as well as I do that I add three years to my true age, making me sixteen, not thirteen, which makes me technically legal to drive this beast of a thing…"

"I can stay at your house tonight?"

"Of course."

"Yay!" Franny laughed aloud then, the sound quickly being replaced by intermittent hiccups. "I guess I'm just sorry that your first school dance was a bust…"

"And last school dance," I muttered.

Franny slumped in her seat, her eyes growing heavy as I pulled out of the parking lot. "Sorry I stole your date…"

I shook my head then, my stomach rolling at what I'd seen going on in the janitor's closet, and decided to keep my lips sealed about what had happened before that. "No problem. Guess you were more his type anyway," I said quietly, going down the dark street and keeping my fingers crossed that we wouldn't get pulled over.

. . .

I stared blankly through the windshield as I kept driving, knowing full well that I had to get home and likely explain myself. Franny had done the grunt-work of lying, allowing everyone to believe that I'd been at her place the night before. Sure, lying to anyone who was a part of your family could potentially bite you in the ass later, but I couldn't think about that, not now. All I could think about was the fact that, at the end of my conversation with Franny, I'd had a feeling of dread when it came to the potential harm of…

No. No, I wouldn't allow myself to be swayed, just because I'd had some time with Ezra that morning. Ezra was the exception to my "I hate young people" rule, and the only exception that was outside my quartet of siblings. Ezra, although whiny and demanding at times, was an intelligent breed of child who had a lot of love to give, and had quickly warmed to me from the time he was born. And, since Franny had no siblings, I became the aunt he'd obviously so coveted and needed, and I was more than happy to fill those shoes, despite the complicated beginnings Ezra had been faced with.

I pulled up in my space outside the house, hesitating for a moment before I pushed myself from the car and left the vehicle. Not wanting an interrogation session, I snuck by the front window, and spotted Mom, her husband, plus Pops and Uncle Ian, seated around the kitchen table, in the same clothes they'd been wearing since the night before. I continued around the house, grabbing ahold of my ladder and hoisting myself up it, and kept right on climbing until I reached the top-most point. Reaching into my pocket then, I grabbed out a credit card to get the window open from the outside, and, once the latch clicked open, hastily returned my card to my pocket and got inside my bedroom. I shut the window behind me then and perched on the edge of my bed, wondering if I was going to be expected to hold court in my bedroom or not.

"Kid? You doing okay?"

I don't turn around as Pops steps into my bedroom and shuts the door behind him. I sense him sitting on the opposite side of my bed; he places a hand on my shoulder, and I automatically lean backwards, letting him hold me against him as I continue staring out the window. "Fine. I'll be fine…once this is over," I say quietly.

"I know you feel that way, Iana, but this is happening now, whether any of us like it or not," he said quietly to me.

I stiffened at his words then as I pulled myself up, before I turned around and faced him. "You and Uncle Ian, you didn't…you didn't tell them that…"

Pops shook his head. "No, of course we didn't tell them, Iana. Promise."

I sighed, nodding then. "Right. Sorry. I know you wouldn't I'm just…just a little scattered right now, as I'm sure you can imagine."

"Sure, yeah," Pops said, nodding. "So…where were you last night?"

I blinked, raising my eyes from where they'd been fixated on my hands, knotted and crumpled on top of my bedspread, and locking onto Pops's. "What?"

He smiled. "Iana, you're my daughter. Please. Franny's makeshift lie about you being over at her place last night didn't wash with me."

I let out a groan then as I lean back on my pillows, and Pops lies beside me, so that we are both staring up at the ceiling. "Who else figured it out?"

"Just Ian," he replied.

"Fuck," I whispered. "Mom and Nicholas must be really dumb or just naive…"

"You can still call him 'Dad', you know, Iana. It doesn't bother me…"

I shook my head. "Those days are over."

He sighed, obviously wanting to press for more, but also wanting information, so he decided not to push me for the moment. "So…where were you last night?" he asked again.

I bit my lip. "You really didn't believe the Franny story?"

"Not for a minute."

"Right," I replied, placing my hands onto my stomach for a fraction of a second before I promptly dragged them off and set them at my sides. "I was with Liam."

"I thought he was still in Los Angeles…"

"It's a three-year assignment," I replied. "Of course he is."

"There's no way you flew there and back…"

"Liam Kennedy, Pops," I said patiently.

"Oh, right, right," Pops said, and I rolled my eyes, knowing that he knew who I was talking about immediately. "So…you two spent the night together?"

I gave a stiff nod. "That's right."

"You tell him?"

I scoffed. "No, I didn't fucking tell him. Just like I told Franny, there's no reason to tell him, because he's not connected to this thing…"

Pops sighed. "So, I know, Ian and Franny know, plus Lip and Mandy… Does anyone else know about this…thing?"

I shook my head. "No."

"You gonna tell them?"

I sighed. "Maybe, when I go in for the appointment…"

"Iana, if you told them, maybe…"

"Look, Pops…I just got back on my meds yesterday. Mom and…him are pretty pissed at me right now as it is. There's no reason to make them even more upset with me."

Pops propped himself up on his elbow then, staring down at me. "You make it seem like they think you're a failure…"

I scoffed. "To them, I am. I failed the eighth grade three times…"

"Because that son of a bitch wouldn't pass you without you—"

"Please, don't say it," I said quietly, and Pops closed his mouth. "But there's lots of things I've done that they don't approve of. Like the violent things I take part in, or the fact that I've been having sex since I was fourteen. Plus the smoking and the drinking, which we never talk about but I'm sure they've smelled it on me…"

"You're not a failure, Iana. You're my kid. You couldn't be a failure."

I sat up then, leaning against the headboard of my bed and letting out a sigh. "I'm fucking grateful to be your kid, Pops… It's like being a member of a club, I guess…"

"A club of two," he said quietly.

I sighed then. "I wonder where Yevgeny is…"

He spread his hands. "No idea."

I swallowed then. "Franny asked me what I'd do if the thing was Liam's and not Andy's," I told him, my voice quietly.

Pops turned and looked at me then. "What'd you say?"

"I said it didn't matter."

"Why doesn't it matter?"

"Because the end result would still be the same," I said quietly. "I'd still get an abortion regardless of who harvested the damn thing. I have a college acceptance, and I'm going. I am not going to stay here forever."

"It's great here, Iana," Pops said, and I turned to look at him. "Okay, it's not so great. But I've got Ian. I never thought I'd get him back and I did."

I smiled. "And I'm really glad you have someone like that, Pops. But that's just not in the cards for me. It never has been, and it never will be."

"How do you know?"

I sighed and shook my head. "Some things you just know about from the time you're a child. I guess I've always known."

"You're really sure about that?"

I nodded. "As sure as I've ever been about anything," I replied and, for once, was glad that I didn't allow my voice to crack.

. . .

It was back to reality over the next several days as I completed shifts at work, continued to not inform my mother and her husband about the pregnancy, and dodged Liam's phone calls. I did my best to smile as I waited the various tables at the diner, and ignored the swelling in my stomach and ankles as the days went by. My mother, if she was beginning to catch on, said nothing about it, and I did my best to focus on my work, pooling my tips so that I'd have some spending money once college began the following month.

On my fifth day at work that week, I was taking a break from waiting tables and helping with the dish washing in the kitchen. I had always liked the task of washing dishes for some reason; the warm water and the bubbling soap that gathered on the grease spots to cut through and ultimately clean them. My mother had again tried to corner me that morning, and several times during my shift at the diner that day, in an attempt to get me to talk to her. I kept assuring her that there was nothing wrong and had somehow managed to avoid her.

Once I finished the massive pile of dishes that was in the sink, I told the cook I was taking a smoke break and headed outside. Of course, I hadn't smoked a damned cigarette since I'd found out I was pregnant, which was silly, really, but I guess I was a goddamned compassionate human being, deep down. Rolling my eyes, I washed my hands before heading out through the employee locker room and stepped out into the warm August sunshine, leaning against the back of the diner and shutting my eyes for a moment.

"Iana."

I felt the hairs on my arms and the back of my neck automatically stand on end at the sound of that voice, and my eyes snapped open. Turning my head, I saw Liam standing there, and my heart began to hammer in my chest then, as it always seemed to whenever he was near me. I straightened up then, attempting to ignore the sweat which quickly began to gather on my palms as I did my best to keep neutral and casual about the whole thing.

"Hi," I said, realizing how lame I sounded.

"Don't 'hi' me, Iana," Liam replied then, and I could see the pain, hidden inside the silvery depths of his eyes.

I sighed. "Right. Sorry."

"Sorry?" Liam scoffed then, the word heated as it escaped from his perfect lips. "Why would you apologize to me? You fucking walked out without saying goodbye…"

I raised my eyebrows; was he becoming confused as to what this was? "Liam, really. I'm sorry if I freaked you out the other day. It wasn't my intention."

He dragged a hand through his dark brown hair. "Iana, you left. You fucking left. I was freaking out, wondering what had happened…"

I shook my head. "Nothing happened, Liam, really."

He swallowed then, looking at me up and down. "I don't believe that, Iana. I believe that something's happening here, something that neither of us can comprehend."

I felt my cheeks automatically flushing then as I shook my head. "Nothing's happening here, Liam, and the sooner you get that through that thick head of yours…" I sighed, knowing that this wasn't the way.

"So, I've got a thick head now, huh?" he demanded. "Nice."

"Look, I thought we established what this was," I fired back. "We never made each other promises or some had some bullshit melodrama or whatever. We made it clear that we were just friends having fun…"

"The other night was not how friends act," Liam said, narrowing his eyes at me. "Sure, you came to me for help during all your family shit, and I was cool with it, but you pushed the boundaries, Iana, just like you always do."

"Like I always do?!" I cried. "Please. You're just as culpable in all of this as I am. Never say it's all on me, Liam, because that's a bald-faced lie."

"So, you admit that there's something going on here?"

"I only admit to what we agreed to—that we're two friends having fun. That's all this has been and will ever be, Liam. We made it abundantly clear that we don't do relationships, and we both seemed perfectly fine with just fucking each other like crazy."

"You're not admitting what's standing right in front of you, Iana," Liam said, and I felt my face pale then as I spotted the back door of the diner opening from behind him then, and my mother stepped out into the alley way then. "Sure, we may have fucked each other like crazy, and I won't be the first to admit that, but you've gotta understand that there's a fine line between friendship and a relationship, and what we have, what we're doing… We're not acting like friends act towards one another, Iana. Friends don't fuck each other."

"Yeah," I said then, my voice trembling then as I locked eyes with my mother then, who looked completely shocked at what she'd just walked in on. "I guess you're right there, Liam. Friends definitely don't fuck each other. Or they shouldn't…"

Liam looked confused then, his dark brows knitting together then as he regarded my expression with worry. "What are you…?" He asked then, trailing off as he turned, his body stiffening almost automatically as he saw we had an audience. "Hi," he said awkwardly, recognition in his tone as he took her in.

"Liam, this is my mother, Murphy," I said uneasily.

Liam swallowed then as I moved cautiously to stand beside him. "It's nice to meet you officially, Murphy," he said then, the awkwardness palpable in the hot, summer afternoon.

"So, this is what's been going on here?" my mother asked, speaking for the first time, her eyes drifting from me to Liam and back again. "This is why you've been acting so weird? Did Liam tell you to stop taking your medication?"

"Mom!" I yelled then.

"Medication?" Liam asked, turning to look at me. "What medication? I know that you're on the pill, but I didn't know about any…"

"She's on lithium, Liam," she replied, while all the while I was shaking my head at her, my eyes wide, begging for her to stop. "Do you know what that's for?"

"Are you suicidal?" Liam asked, and I felt a sigh escape my lips then, knowing that that was a reason why lithium was prescribed, and yet I knew that Liam didn't want to risk offending me more than my mother already was.

"She's bipolar, Liam," my mother replied, her voice hard, and nearly devoid of all emotion, and I felt as if my entire being came crashing down then.

"Iana?" Liam asked, his voice shaking then, as I felt his eyes on me.

My hands, which had flown to my lips immediately as I noticed my mother was definitely going to out me as bipolar to Liam, slowly eased themselves off my lips then. "Fuck," I whispered then, the hot tears escaping my eyes before I could call them back.

"Iana…"

"Don't," I replied, not looking at Liam. "You and I…we're done here."

"But, Iana…"

"No," I said, my voice firm as I forced myself not to look at him. "I need to settle up some things here, and I'll call you later."

"Promise?"

"Christ. Yeah, I fucking promise! Just go!" I yelled then, stomping into the diner then, knocking myself deliberately into my mother as I passed her, walking through the employee locker room and down the hallway, before I reached her office. I swallowed then, remembering one of my first times in this office, and while I was enraged then, I wasn't nearly as much then as I was right now…

. . .

The door opened before us then, and I watched as she gave Uncle Ian a look of uncertainty as I stepped inside cautiously, as the boys each clung to Uncle Ian's legs.

"Hi, guys," she said, doing her best to smile at us as she continued to act like there was nothing wrong here. "Aren't you going to come over here and give Mama a hug?"

I turned to look at the boys, who made no move towards her, which was something that didn't even surprise me. I sighed for a moment before I forced myself to walk over to her and merely held up my arms, and she held me for a moment, but I remained stiff in her grasp before walking backwards and out of the embrace she'd given me. "You were wrong, Mama," I said.

She blinked, looking up at Uncle Ian, who I knew gave her a stoic expression. She lowered her eyes back down to mine, looking concerned. "What?" she whispered. "What are you talking about, sweetheart?" she asked me.

I felt unsure for a moment before I spoke again. "You chose Tommy over us," I finally said, a massive weight off me once I'd said it.

"Iana..."

"No," I said. "You didn't come for my fifth birthday, or for Christmas. Tommy keeps you away from us. He moved into the house, and you moved us out. Why?"

"Iana, please," she said, almost as if she was attempting to launch into a whole entire justification here. "There are certain things that you don't understand because..."

"Don't call me a kid!" I said, narrowing my eyes at her. "I'm not just a kid. I'm a person, and a pretty fantastic one. My teachers are talking about me moving ahead a couple of grades, based on me being so fantastic," I said, but for the life of me, I could not keep my voice from breaking as I said these words. "And all I can say, Mama, is that you're going to miss it, because you've made your decision," I went on, before walking out of her office.

. . .

"Iana."

"Don't Iana me!" I thundered then; I couldn't even look at her, so instead I stared out the window and directly into the sunlight. "Don't fucking act like you're all innocent here. I mean, I'm not innocent here, but at least when confronted by it, I don't hide behind my fucking tragic backstory the entire conversation," I say, gripping on my opposite elbows. "There's shit that you wouldn't even begin to understand about me, Mother."

"Try me, then."

"Why? So you can blab it to people in my life that you didn't know about? Why do you think I didn't tell you about Liam?" I demand then. "Not like I knew you would jump for joy that I was involved with a repeat customer, but then there's the age difference…" I shrugged. "Might as well tell you, because I'm so tired of all this…"

"Tell me."

"I was raped," I replied. "I was touched inappropriately. I started smoking when I was twelve. I was drinking when I was thirteen. I was fucking by fourteen…"

"I knew about Tommy doing god knows what," she said quietly, her voice filled with revulsion as she dwelled on it for a moment too long. "But raped? Iana…"

"Don't fucking touch me," I said through my teeth then, dodging her attempts at comfort as I stepped away from her.

"Iana, who…?"

"My principal, the middle school one who wouldn't pass me," I replied, the hot tears streaming down my face before I could call them back.

"When?"

"Right after a new one was announced," I replied. "You left me here to run an errand, and I was cleaning up here after closing."

"Iana…"

"He must've seen me here, alone, defenseless, and just decided to take what he thought he was owed, the sick son of a bitch," I went on, digging my nails into my elbows. "Guess he figured out that I was the one who turned him in; I mean, he implied it… All I could think of was saying no, and I did… Fat lot of good that did. He obviously has a hearing deficiency," I muttered, a bitter laugh escaping my lips. "Didn't listen to a fucking word I said. Just kept shoving me back down so that he could do what he wanted to do all along. No beating around the bush; least he didn't shove his cock in my mouth. Just inside me…" I broke off then, as my tears continued to fall down my face, making contact with my lips as I continued to stare out the window. "Pops and Uncle Ian found out about it. Messed him up really good…must be all in the family when it comes to fucking people up…"

"Iana, what are you…?"

"I fucked up Terry," I replied. "That's when I told Pops and Uncle Ian that I was off my meds. I just couldn't take knowing what he did to Pops, Uncle Ian, and Mandy. I couldn't. So I just snapped and beat him to a fucking bloody pulp…"

"Christ, Iana. If anyone saw you…"

"Who gives a fuck?" I muttered. "Not like I don't have plans anyway. Besides, if worse came to worse, Mason could make me disappear. Give me a new identity…"

"What about Northwestern? Realizing your dream?"

I laughed bitterly again then, before turning to look at her. "Oh, Mother, Mother, Mother… If you knew the full story, I don't think you'd ever let me leave the house again, let alone realize my dream."

"Iana… What are you…?"

I sighed then, dashing the tears from my eyes and making my way towards the door. "Nothing, Mother. As always, nothing."

"Where are you going?"

"To Pops and Uncle Ian's," I replied, my back to her. "Think I'll crash there for a few days until you come up with a halfway decent apology." I placed my hand on the door then, and, before turning the handle, looked over my shoulder at her again. "I can forgive the whole bullshit thing with Tommy. I can forgive you constantly taking me for granted. But one thing, Mother, that I can't forgive, is you deciding where and when to tell people about me being bipolar. That's my challenge to deal with; not your thing to announce. I don't care if you are my mother; you had no right to say anything, and yet, you did. You let your anger and your turmoil get the better of you, and once again, you hurt your child." I smiled at her then; not a happy smile, but a bitter one, almost as if chewing lemons had been involved. "You happy now?" I asked her, before I opened the door and shut it, hard, behind me.