Narcissus Narcosis

by Yoshiyuki Ly

All these fragments of memories, keeping locked away who we are, how we think, and what we need. If you looked into them—into me—and saw all of my sick truths, would you still be there for me? : Lightning/Fang, post-game AU. Discontinued.

10. Ex Machina

X. Ex-Machina – I wish I wasn't

The next day, I rode alone in an automated cruiser that took me to the Lindblum—the Guardian Corps' airship headquarters in the sky. After the attack, PSICOM was stationed there temporarily. Jihl's orders were for me to attend a meeting with her, Yaag Rosch and Cid Raines aboard the airship. They finally had more information for me about this war. I stared out the window to the clouds, lost in my thoughts. I hadn't been able to sleep last night at all. I'd stared at my ceiling for hours on end, realizing what Serah had meant when she moved out. She had the wrong idea about Fang—judging her from how she used to be in the past wasn't fair, and I hated myself for letting Vanille influence me yesterday. But there was something else my sister had said that refused to get out of my head.

You'll bend over backwards to please someone or take care of them, setting aside your own needs.

Lumina appeared in the seat next to me, kicking her legs in the air. "Do you even know what you need?" she asked. "Oh, Lightning…somewhere down the line, you turned into a machine. Isn't it easier to follow orders than to think and feel like a normal human being?" I leaned my burning forehead against the window, ignoring her. "Hey! Are you listening?!"

"I don't want to talk about this."

"Of course you don't!" said Lumina. "That's why I'm here. Who else are you gonna talk to? Your sister? She's ignoring you for Board Shorts now, in case you forgot. Oh! Maybe you could talk to Fang about it!" Too-loud silence filled the small space between us. Lumina sighed. "I knew you'd get like this…"

"Do you have any information for me about Luxerion?" I asked. "Vespair? You had to have known she was going to send a l'Cie to bomb PSICOM's headquarters. You did nothing to stop it."

Lumina rolled her eyes. "Is that all I am to you? Your errand-girl? It's not my job to play God."

"If you can't keep Fang safe, then you're worthless to me. Leave me alone."

Lumina brushed my words off entirely. "You know, I found out why Vespair is doing this," she said coolly. "That's why I'm letting her do what she wants. I was going to tell you. Since you want to be a royal bitch, I'm not telling you anything. You can figure it out all by yourself! In the meantime, you can keep crippling yourself like an emo kid instead of living your life."

"What the hell do you know?!" I bit back. Lumina smirked at me like she didn't give a damn about how mad I was. I went over to her, grabbing the arms of her chair to let her know that I was serious. "You say I turned into a machine. The part of myself that I killed—it lives inside of you now. Without it, I can't function like anyone else. I'm not expressive, and whatever emotions I do have are locked in different places. The worst part is that Fang knows—she knows without a word and she doesn't judge me for it. That's why I have to set the pace; why I have to be the one to go to her; why I need to move things forward, because if she tries, and I don't react the way she wants me to, I'll break her heart! I want to be human for her so badly. And you don't understand. You don't know why I care so much about her safety…"

Lumina smiled brightly. "But I do know," she claimed. "If she isn't safe, then you won't let yourself fall for her. You could wake up one day and she'd be dead. The pain would be too much for you. If she is safe, then you still won't."

"How can you say that?" I asked. "It doesn't make any sense."

"Well, let's put things into perspective," she suggested. "When you and your friends were l'Cie, it was easy for you to bury your feelings. The peace between you two acted like a seal over your emotions. Vespair came in right on time and helped you break that seal. Now that there's all this chaos between you and Fang, you cling to her in small amounts. It's that uncertainty over losing her one day…deciding whether or not you should fall and risk getting hurt… It's opening you up, but you can't handle it."

The Lindblum came into view up ahead. I didn't have time to finish this conversation with her. I had no idea if she was right or not. Lumina made it sound like I only wanted Fang because of Vespair, and my sense of duty. If that was true, then I was no different from a machine that did what it was told to do. Feeling on command. Not feeling when it wasn't needed. Feeling for her when it made her happy. Feeling enough, and more, over time, because she pulled me just so. But I knew that there was something more than that keeping me with her. I knew, and I was terrible at letting it be.

Lumina waved goodbye to me as the cruiser approached the landing dock. "Don't let your passions keep hiding from you!" she said. "It's easier to show them when you sign yourself away to the government to keep her safe. That's not everything, you know."

She disappeared before I could ask her what she meant. Then again, I already knew. I'd been thinking too much, creating problems out of thin air, and for what? Fang was better at this than I was. As I made my way to the Lindblum, I remembered that dream I had about being in her body. I passed by Guardian Corps officers saluting me, not paying them any mind. One of them showed me the way to Central Command. I felt fragmented between paying attention to the path ahead and thinking-feeling about Fang—about whether or not I was still a machine that wasn't worthy of her. Her emotions were so much louder than mine. I admired that about her. The whole time during that dream, her heart had been in overdrive. I only felt like that in the morning as soon as I woke up, when I was purest—untainted by reminders of my problems. She must have sensed those differences between us by now. I did have that to compare myself with. If I kept at it, I wouldn't chase these thoughts away.

Deep in her core, there was something there…something I couldn't put my finger on. It fueled the chaos in her spirit and the fearlessness in her blood. I'd felt it when we first met in Palumpolum. Fang would never let me see what it was. The only time I'd gotten close to it was when we were in Nautilus, during that play. I hadn't been able to stop myself from clawing at it.

I wanted to devour it whole.

I didn't know why…but it was a waste of time trying to figure that out. If Fang were here, she would have told me to stop thinking so much. I had to be okay with not figuring something out for once and letting it be.

A weight lifted itself from my shoulders as I entered the air-conditioned Central Command room. Cid had me take a seat at one of the ends of the war table. Jihl and Rosch sat at either side of me, handing me a few folders to look through. Countless radars along the walls tracked enemy ship movements through Nova Chrysalia. The largest monitor in the center showed news footage of the Secutors leading a march through Luxerion for propaganda against Cocoon. The long war table in the middle of the room had a map of the world, along with four crystal figurines spread out over the continents.

"Savior," greeted Cid, standing near the monitors. "Lieutenant-Colonel Nabaat passed along the message concerning your frustration with being kept in the dark. I must apologize for our silence in recent months. We had to make absolute certain that our information was legitimate before letting you know of any new developments. It has been difficult to ascertain any intel coming in and out of Luxerion."

"Why is that, exactly?" I asked.

Cid changed the centermost monitor from the news to a collection of documents covered in chaos. "The information has been largely tampered with," he explained. "It seems that someone has gone to extreme lengths to keep us in the dark. The entity you mentioned, Vespair, is our prime suspect. Naturally, it has been difficult to track her movements. Not to mention Luxerion's external defenses: all agents we sent to the city have died in streaks of fire while attempting to breach their crystal-barrier."

"I'm guessing Cocoon doesn't have one of those," I said. "Their l'Cie wouldn't have been able to get to Bodhum otherwise."

"That is correct," answered Cid. "If we're to gain any footing in this war, we must first activate our crystal-barrier. From then on, Vespair will no longer be able to thwart our discovery process, and we can plan our next move from there." He gestured to the map on the war table. "Our current map shows where each of the four Crystals of Chrysalis are located. There is one on each continent: Gran Pulse to the Far East across the Ashensand Sea, Nova Chrysalia to the South, Cocoon to the West, and an uncharted continent to the Far North across the Genji Ocean. Nova Chrysalia and Cocoon are both on the same stretch of land, thus increasing our vulnerability to more attacks. Our engineers have pinpointed massive energy readings in the Ruins of Eden near the Euride Gorge Plant. We would have Dr. Estheim accompany you to find our crystal and activate it."

Jihl opened one of the folders in front of me. "There is a certain caveat with these crystals," she began, pointing to a rendered image of a l'Cie brand. "They are essentially fal'Cie in crystal form. While they don't have direct control in political matters in the way that Eden and Barthandelus did, they still have the power to make l'Cie out of humans. Because the crystal is sentient, it will not attempt to turn you into a l'Cie unless you consent to the transformation. I suggest caution at any rate."

That didn't sound so bad. As long as there wasn't a repeat of Anima turning me into a l'Cie against my will, I didn't have a problem with it. I flipped through another one of the folders. There was a chaos-blurred picture of Yeul wearing that same headdress Vanille had on when she'd been the Orders' Saint. She was slumped in a chair at the altar in Luxerion's Cathedral, looking deathly ill.

Rosch set that one aside, showing me another picture of Noel scowling in his Secutor armor. "As you can see, the Priestess Yeul still suffers," he said. "The Secutors' Knight-Commander, Noel Kreiss, is out for blood. He believes your partner is the key to curing whatever ails the priestess. Simply handing her over is out of the question. We will not give into terrorism. However, since the attack, our PSICOM division has suffered a deficit in funding. We cannot maintain our military forces and rebuild our headquarters. Brigadier General Raines has full command over the skies with his fleets, but the Guardian Corps alone cannot stand against a possible army of l'Cie."

"What are you telling me? Even if I activate our crystal, we have no way of winning this war?"

"No, Savior," he answered. "We will find another way to persevere. All that stands between war and peace in Chrysalis is appeasing the Knight-Commander's penchant for revenge. Our agents have since redirected their efforts to finding a weak spot in Luxerion's defenses. If we can find a way to send envoys to hold peace talks, then diplomacy may suit us instead."

That made absolutely no sense. Noel had made it clear that the only thing he wanted was Fang on a leash in Luxerion. The way I saw it, there weren't any other grounds for negotiation. I decided to set the issue aside for the time being. So long as they weren't giving Fang up for the sake of ending the war, the rest was fine by me.

They kept me there the whole afternoon, going over possible plans of attack, and theorizing what else we could do with the crystal's power. Because PSICOM's medical facilities were damaged, I had to bring Fang aboard one of the airships in the Guardian Corps' fleet for her next appointment. For safety reasons, they didn't want her going to the airship behind the headquarters—not until they were able to fix the damage done to the building. I wanted to ask Fang to live with me for the time being. Hopefully she wouldn't be too upset about not being able to see the Ragnarok for a while. When the meeting was over, Rosch handed me four train tickets to the Euride Gorge for the day after tomorrow. Other than Hope, he said to bring along whoever else I wanted.

The whole time, I couldn't help but wonder about their true motivations. They claimed they didn't want to give into terrorists, and that Fang was valuable to their research into the fragments of memories. I got the feeling that there was something else they wouldn't say. If they gave Fang up to Luxerion, I would have turned on them right away, and they knew it. I entertained the thought that they were afraid of me. So afraid, that even if Luxerion's army of l'Cie decimated our forces, they still wouldn't have crossed me. The thought comforted me, but it gave me pause… What did Jihl really say when she convinced them to keep Fang here? Was I that dangerous to them?

.

By mid-evening, I made it over to NORA's café along the beach. Seventh Heaven was just as crowded as always. I smiled when I saw Fang walking along the sand with Vanille and Snow. The three of them laughed together while Snow told them a story. Not too far away, I noticed Bane along the shore, sniffing and pawing at the clams there in low tide. Fang stopped and turned around, waiting for me to catch up to her. From the smirk on her face, I knew she had something planned for the rest of the night.

"Hey, sweet pea," she said. I held her to me and kissed her neck. Fang sighed in content. "How was the meeting? Did they finally tell you somethin' useful?"

"They did," I answered. Snow and Vanille waved to me from up ahead. "I have to go to Eden—or what's left of it—the day after tomorrow with Hope. The city fell from the sky once the fal'Cie stopped working. There's a crystal there that will help us against Luxerion. It needs to be activated. You and one other person can come along with us."

Fang looked me over. "You're not tired, are you?" she asked. I shook my head. "We can chat about the rest later on. Snow and Vanille want to go out to dinner with us tonight. That all right with you?"

"I planned on asking you out for a night alone…"

"Well, you might have your way," said Fang, smiling. "Snow's butterin' her up so she'll spill whatever's up with your sister and that guy. He promised they'd have their own table. We're just drivin' there together, really. Then we'll come back here after that. Looks like I'm stayin' in the back of the café 'till I can go back to the ship! Lebreau insisted on it."

Another one of my plans were ruined… "That was nice of her," I replied.

"I know, right? Snow said the place serves Chinese and Japanese food—no idea what the hell that was before he explained it. They've got this rice-alcohol thing called sake that's supposed to be the best thing in the world. You ever tried it?"

"No, I've only heard of it," I told her. Fang called Bane over. She gave him a big hug and returned him to his summoning stone. "We can go now if you want. I haven't eaten anything all day."

"Hey, you two!" she said to Vanille and Snow. "Let's get a move-on! Light's hungry and I wanna try that drink."

Snow drove us to the restaurant downtown in his white sports car. I stayed in the back with Fang, and Vanille was up front—the three of them talked about my sister the whole way. Mostly about how different she was these days. I lay down with my head in Fang's lap, listening to their conversation. She kept her eyes to me, stroking my hair and my face. I knew she could tell that I'd had a lot on my mind that day. Even though she seemed busy talking, I felt all of her energy focused on me. She knew I didn't want to say anything in front of the others.

"I promise it isn't like that," explained Vanille. "He's a nice person…but there's more to it than that. Serah could tell right away that he was interested in something else other than her. She's in her investigating phase right now. No matter what I ask, she won't tell me anything more."

"You serious?" asked Snow. "So is this guy, like, using her?"

"I think it's mutual… I don't really know the details."

Fang reached over the seat to pat Vanille's head. "Well you keep doin' your own investigation," she goaded. "You could be onto somethin', squirt. Who knows? Maybe he's some top-secret agent with a bunch of juicy secrets."

"You could be right. He's from Luxerion…"

"Did he get here before or after the war started…?"

"He hasn't answered that yet," said Vanille.

We arrived downtown to where the restaurant was. It was right in the center of Bodhum's valley, in the heart of the town's high-fashion scene. The mall was nearby—I hated going there, because it was always filled with pretentious people pretending to be rich. An artificial waterfall marked where all of the restaurants were. I had no idea how they all stayed in business, having to compete with each other within walking distance. Each one of them was packed with people—some of them even stood in line out the building, waiting for a chance at getting a table.

Snow pulled into the parking lot. There were a bunch of luxury cars in most of the spaces, glittering in the moonlight and the flame-lanterns around the restaurant. "If he's from Luxerion, he might be dangerous," he added, worried. "I don't know how I feel about Serah hanging around him… I feel like maybe she's in over her head. If she's trying to figure this guy out, and he's playing her for information, it's not gonna end well. What if Fang's right and he really is some kind of agent?"

I sat up when Snow parked the car. "This is all a crazy conspiracy," I told them. "You should know better. I think my sister is smart enough to not get involved with someone like that."

Vanille turned around in her seat. "But Lightning!" she insisted. "What if she's trying to protect you?"

"I can protect myself," I said, getting out of the car. I went around to the other side and opened Fang's door for her. She wouldn't stop grinning at me. "Why are you looking at me like that…?"

"And all that poisoned her good-will was her own hubris," recited Fang. I stared at her blankly. That sounded like something from a book in Cocoon script that we'd read together. She smiled, linking her arm with mine as we headed into the restaurant. "Don't let your Savior-business get to your head. We all get caught off-guard sometimes."

"All right, but since when do you quote classic literature to me to prove a point?" I wondered.

Fang nodded to Snow when he opened the door for us. "I could quote some stuff to you in the old Pulsian tongue instead," she offered. I worried over how long the line was in here. Other than that, it was a nice place. The black marble floors went nicely with the chocolate brown of the walls. I smelled the steaming noodles on a passing waitress' tray. The soft lighting up above almost made Fang's skin glow… "You know, just 'cause I skived off most of school and cheated off Vanille don't mean I didn't learn a thing or two. I picked up on the way you Cocoon folk read and write pretty fast, didn't I?"

"You did. I was really impressed, too. Because of that, I'm starting to understand something about you."

"Oh?" she asked. "What's that?"

I watched Snow negotiate with the manager to get our tables sooner. "Maybe you would have taken school seriously if Cocoon hadn't taken over your village," I said. Fang slowly nodded in agreement. "From what you told me, you spent most of your time hunting so you could get stronger. Kicking the Sanctum out of Oerba and protecting Vanille were your top priorities. I think if not for that, you would have had a normal experience."

Fang rubbed the back of her shoulder. "Yeah, and not so many scars, either," she added. "That reminds me—I've had my bandits lookin' for this ancient book in my old language. The Vipers stole a bunch of copies back durin' the War of Transgression. Might still be a few in-tact if they bothered takin' care of 'em. I wanna teach you how to read it. Let's make it a date as soon as they find it!"

We followed our waiter to a table for two. "What's the book about?" I asked.

"It's this epic tale, Zantetsuken, about a Pulse l'Cie, Genji, who goes on all these journeys," she said, animated. "His Focus is to collect the weapons of his enemies and offer them to the fal'Cie for protection. There's this madman, Enkidu, who challenges him to a fight. They spend ages in a duel and neither of them wins, so they become best friends and start explorin' together instead. It's kinda sad, though… In the end, Genji learns what it really means to be a Pulse l'Cie, and—" Fang's eyes widened. She blinked several times before shaking her head. "No, I don't think it's true…"

I pulled out her chair for her. "The first part sounds a lot like The Epic of Gilgamesh," I told her. "If the Sanctum stole the books from you, our version might be a rip-off of yours. I'd like it if you taught me how to read it." Fang sat down, lost in thought. I sat across from her, wondering what was on her mind. "What isn't true?"

Fang waved my question off and focused on the menu instead. Vanille and Snow had their own table behind me, off to the side. They were already deep in conversation about something—probably that same conspiracy from earlier. I had a taste for noodles after smelling the ones from before. Fang let me order those and eggrolls for both of us, and a bottle of sake for us to try. She stared at me after our waiter took our menus away, as if trying to find something. She looked almost child-like.

"What's the matter?" I asked. "You seemed worried about something to do with that book…"

"No sense fussin' over it," she answered, blasé all of a sudden. "When I get it in my hands, I'll make sure… If I keep thinkin' about it, it'll only stress me out. Might as well forget about it for now." If that was what she decided, I was okay with it. As long as it wasn't bothering her anymore. "Speakin' of stress, I know you've had your hands full with this war goin' on. I had my boys do some diggin' on Noel and Yeul. Turns out they both got sent on some errand to Nova Chrysalia's crystal in Luxerion. They asked it to turn them into l'Cie. Looks like Noel's Focus is to bring Cocoon down since I ain't goin' there quietly. No idea what Yeul's is."

"Diplomacy really won't work, then," I guessed. "Rosch thinks we can send envoys to discuss peace talks with them. What I don't get is why Noel and Yeul would ask the crystal to turn them into l'Cie."

Fang shrugged. "My boys are still figurin' that part out," she said. "There's a whole black market of information underground. That's where they're gonna find that book I talked about. I wish I could go check it out myself. It sounded way too shady for me to bother with." She noticed something else was on my mind after mentioning Rosch. "Light, I know you haven't told me much about everything you've got on your plate. I feel like there's this burden on you to look out for me. When we went out yesterday, I hadn't seen you smile like that in weeks…"

"It's not because of you," I assured her. Fang frowned, unconvinced. "I feel like I have no control. It took the government two months to tell me anything useful about what's going on. They had their reasons, but… I'm so used to being able to handle whatever comes my way. Now Luxerion has an army of l'Cie that I can't do anything about. It's like I'm walking around with a bunch of broken tools."

"Broken tools?" she asked. "What makes you say that?"

"I get the feeling the Gestalt wants to keep me on this leash," I replied. "Like they're afraid of me. They know if they do anything to cross me, I'll turn on them. It's not helping the thoughts I keep having about the way I am…" I looked over and saw a dozen people at a table laughing together. "Honestly, compared to other people, I feel like I'm a machine. I should be able to feel more than what I do. Anyone could look at me and say that I'm not the type for relationships. I had this problem before… I stayed away from people so I wouldn't give them the chance to misunderstand me."

Fang reached over and held both of my hands in hers. "You're not a machine, babe…" The light overhead reflected off of the minor sheen in her eyes. "It breaks my heart to hear you say that about yourself. You don't gotta be loud and open about your feelings like other people. I can take care of that for both of us. You know I won't shut up when I get riled up about somethin'." I smiled a little. There were still other things on my mind, but it was nice to have her support. I didn't realize until that moment how much I needed it. "I think you're still used to going it alone. I know you feel like you're imposin' if you vent about what's botherin' you. Don't you know how much it helps to let things out? You need to."

"I need to?" I asked.

"Yeah, you do… You won't admit it." She let go of my hands when the waiter arrived with our food. Fang smiled and thanked him, fascinated most by the porcelain sake bottle he set down in the middle of the table. "What you need most is to let go. I can't make you do it. You've gotta make the decision on your own."

I waited until he left before saying, "This might sound stupid, but I don't know how to do that."

Fang smirked in the way that told me she had a hundred ideas in her head. She held an eggroll in front of my mouth. I took a bite out of it. "That's one way," she offered. I frowned, not understanding. She laughed out loud. "Oh my God you are so fucking precious! If this food didn't smell so good, I'd eat you right up." I couldn't ask her what she meant with my mouth full. She kept feeding me with a devilish look on her face. "Light, sweetie, I can spot sexual innuendo from a mile away. Don't you get it?"

I swallowed my food. "Is the eggroll supposed to be your dildo in my mouth?"

Fang fumbled her utensils. "Lightning!" she scolded. "I won't have that dirty mouth of yours at the table! Have some decency, will you…?"

"Fang, please," I said, rolling my eyes. "You're only saying that because I surprised you. You said I need to let go. That's what I'm doing."

"Well, yeah…" She fanned her face. "Is it just me, or is it hot in here all of a sudden?"

I kept teasing her a little as we ate. I hadn't thought that I was capable of doing this—not without touching her, anyway. Seeing Fang get flustered from my words alone was new to me. It got even easier when we started drinking the sake. The drink was warm, and I felt a buzz from it right away. Lighter head, lighter tongue—I had Fang grinning constantly from me saying whatever came to mind. I didn't stop myself from going on about her touching me. It wasn't something I thought about often. I wasn't thinking. I forgot about how I hated not being in control. I let her think that I wanted it. Somewhere, I did…just not in the same ways. Not in any way I could compartmentalize. Compartmentalizing it was boring to me in those moments, drinking with her and seeing her so happy with me.

Fang ordered another bottle of sake for us. Both of our faces were red. She started laughing for no apparent reason. I laughed at her laughing like a quiet maniac. I leaned back in my chair. Fang buried her face in her arms over the table, wheezing over nothing. All the lights up above reminded me of the stars in the sky at Nautilus, when I'd first let her get me into things like this. It wasn't so bad…

When I took another sip from my porcelain cup, this one felt different… So much stronger. The burn was more distinct. Probably a sign that I'd had enough. Some guy in an all-black jumpsuit and a cap passed by our table—on the same side I had my sake. The back of his head…blond and military-short hair. He was so muscular. Did I know him? I thought I knew him from somewhere…I couldn't remember.

Vanille and Snow eventually came over to our table. They leaned on the surface, looking between us in amusement.

"I think it's time to head out," said Snow. "You two are gonna be so hungover in the morning."

Fang gestured to herself. "Nope, not me!" she drawled. Then she pointed at me. "This one can't hold her liquor worth a damn… She's gonna be hungover…not me… No, no, no, I'm gonna laugh at her while she's got a ragin' headache tomorrow—just you wait and see…"

Vanille giggled. "Whatever you say," she offered, helping Fang out of her seat. I stood up on my own, slowly… It felt like the world would have tipped over and sent me flying any second now. "Lightning, are you coming back to the café with us?"

"Yes!" cried Fang in ecstasy, hanging off of Vanille. Other people turned to stare. "She's sleepin' with me tonight! And now she's drunk, her tongue is loose…do you know what that means?" Snow cracked up, leading the way out to the parking lot. "Hey, hey Snow! When are you goin' back to Yusnaan? I wanna take Light there…see all the lights, y'know? We could stay in your palace and see all the sights."

Snow rubbed the back of his head. "Oh, I dunno," he replied. "It's the weirdest thing. PSICOM contacted me about holding some charity ball at the palace. To help them rebuild their headquarters, right? I said it was weird but I'd still think about it."

"Isn't that a conflict of interest?" asked Vanille. That was what I wanted to say… "Yusnaan is in Nova Chrysalia. Wouldn't that tell the world that the city supports Cocoon in the war?"

"Yeah, that's what I said," answered Snow. "They promised they could find some way around it…"

On the way back, Fang leaned on me in the back seat. I kept my body facing hers, breathing in the smell of her hair. I couldn't stop touching her. Snaking my hands along her waist, slipping down to her thighs and back up to her stomach; nearly pulling her top open to touch her breasts. Fang writhed against me—quietly. Not loud enough for Snow and Vanille to hear. They were too busy talking. Even if they did turn around and see where my hands were, I wouldn't have cared… I needed to touch her. I sweated more because I had to have her. I grabbed her harder to hear her reactions against my shoulder, my neck. I shouldn't have done this. I shouldn't have held onto her like this. I didn't want my first time with Fang to be in the back of Snow's car. I didn't want it to be while we were both drunk.

Fang wasn't thinking at all. I had to think for us—as much as I could through this growing haze. I could have thrown all of that aside if not for something else that worried me: I started to feel similarities to when Vespair bit me…except I didn't pass out. I was awake. I was alive. I was okay. I was fine. I just…needed to get some sleep… I needed this to pass. And then I could go back to letting go—whatever that meant. I had no idea.

When we made it to Seventh Heaven, everyone was asleep in their rooms behind the bar already. Snow suppressed a yawn while he waved good night to us. In the dark hallway, Fang gave Vanille a bear hug before retreating to our room. I was about to follow her until Vanille tapped my shoulder.

"Um, Lightning?" she asked shyly. "I meant to say this earlier… I'm really sorry about what I did. Talking about Fang to Serah and saying the things I did. There's a lot that I left out yesterday."

I leaned against the nearest wall, widening my eyes to get a better look at her. "What…?"

Vanille frowned, like she was scared of something. "I didn't want to say those things," she tried. "It's just…someone sort of threatened me to do it. I feel like I can only tell you this now because you're drunk and you might not remember. They said that I'm supposed to cause trouble for Fang…that it's for her own good… I wish I could tell you more. I'm trying to find the courage to stop running away."

I sobered a little, asking, "Someone's threatening you?"

Vanille nodded. "Please give me a few more days," she whispered. "Let me tell Fang. I'll take all the blame for everything—I promise. This is so scary…you don't understand…" She hugged me tightly. "Get some rest for now, okay? I'll brew something nice for your hangover in the morning!"

"Vanille…wait…"

She disappeared down the hall without another word. It was pointless trying to follow her. I could barely see my own white outfit in the dark, let alone another person. I'd nearly forgotten what Vanille had said already…all I could remember was her fear. It stayed with me as I went into the room where Fang was. She'd slipped out of her sari and left it lying about on the hardwood floor. Fang had already passed out on the low bed. I moved slowly to pick up her sari, folding it for her out of habit. One step at a time, I went to set it over the polished wood of the dresser. I changed out of my garb into the same thing I always wore to bed, falling asleep next to her within seconds.