The room was bathed in the soft glow of incandescent light. Casting the room in a slightly yellow tinted glimmer. Or at least that was how her eyes perceived it. In truth, due to her lineage, Mel never actually knew how humans saw the world. From birth her eyes had been that of a wolf. Not that it bothered her. You couldn't miss something you never had. At least that's what her dad always said. With a slight yawn, she stretched her arms towards the ceiling. Attempting to work out a random kink in her back. One more deep yawn before she began perusing the expansive collection on the bookshelf. The tall oak furniture was filled to the brim with the most random works. A collection started by her father long ago. Her fingers danced along the spines of tomes new and old. Searching for something to occupy and amuse her mind. Like the library, the custom had been inherited from her father. As alpha, one's mine often bustled out of control. Constantly thinking and worrying on every little detail. It was often simply too difficult to allow one a proper rest. That was why he taught her his trick to settle the mind. Select a book that would hold interest and peruse its pages. Let oneself sink into the words until sleep could finally overtake the brain. It sounded so stupidly simple, but it was surprisingly effect. A trick she often made use of. Especially in the past year.
Browsing the dozens upon dozens of volumes stuffed into the wood, she bent over a bit to examine what was contained in the bottom shelves. Her fingers brushed against an old and well-worn cover. The gray fabric slightly distressed, the emblazoned title beginning to fade. A smile touched her lips. The oldest book in the entire collection. An antique that had been found long before even her grandfather had been born. Man or Beast?: Anthology of the mythos of were creatures. Some adventurer had traveled the globe, painstakingly gathering the myths and legends of shape shifting creatures from different cultures. A fascinating read and frankly one of her favorites. Despite almost every shred of information it held being wrong. She knew at least a few of the tribes had intentionally given false tales. It was not malicious. Simply a self-preservation measure. Many tribes relied on those were creatures for protection. They drove away and fought off many nasty beasts that loved to feast on supple human flesh. The tribes were not willing to put their precious guardian in jeopardy simply to impress some outsider. That did little to ruin the enchanting tales though. She gently gripped the much beloved book, pulling it from the shelf. Stopping halfway as a strong presence settled behind her. Forgetting about the volume, she wheeled around quickly. Pressing up against the bookshelf in a defense manner.
"Don't you dare Saint!" The words flew past her lips before her mind had even fully processed them. The situation was repeated so often, her reaction had become deeply ingrained. Practically instinct. Which is why her humiliation was so prominent when she met not the gaze of the mischievous beta, but rather deeply confused green irises. The poor boy stood frozen to the spot, hesitantly watching like a puppy waiting to be scolded. The blush across her cheeks intensified. "Um, sorry. Really sorry. Didn't mean to yell like that. I thought you were Saint."
"I figured as much. But that still doesn't quite explain why you would yell at him like that." He raised an eyebrow in question, confusion quickly slipping into curiosity. She bit her lip slightly, an embarrassed laugh rattling about in her chest.
"I don't normally. It's just, on occasion..." She felt the words catch in her throat, as if her voice was trying to spare her further embarrassment. "He finds it funny to slap my ass." She forced the words out, feeling herself unable to look the other alpha in the eye.
"You let your beta molest you?" The question had a slight accusatory lacing to it. Something she had fully expected. Yet the expectation did little to dampen the sting it produced. She was pretty sheltered in her upbringing, but even she knew Saint's actions were beyond impudent. Easily bordering mutinous. It was a vibrant display of weakness that she rarely punished the infractions. But she could never bring herself to do it. The rather inappropriate gropes were merely unorthodox displays of affection. It just felt wrong chastising family for the antics. Not when they held no trace of disrespect. But that was something not easily explained. "But I thought he was gay." The unexpected statement brought her eyes flying up from the floor. Green irises sparkled with thought as he attempted to reconcile those details.
"Well it's not about sex. Not even close. Ruby's straight and she does it too. It's just a teasing way to show affection." She tried her best to explain. His brows furrowed a bit as the gears in his mind turned. Fascinated by this new information.
"So you let your betas molest you." This time it was not a question. She still answered with a very embarrassed nod. Hoping he could understand. Many packs were very tumultuous. A painful existence with almost constant internal power struggles. To show weakness invited injury and death. Loss of status and resources. But that was not her experience, and at least initially it wouldn't have been his either. Like her, Derek had been part of not just a pack, but a family. Infighting was rare, and only grave infractions would even be taken seriously. She just hoped he could remember that time. Now that they were mated, her betas' infractions reflected badly on him as well. Technically he could attempt to punish them. She wouldn't allow it, but really didn't want to deal with the possible fight that would ensure. Not now. Her thoughts were rattled as a strong palm was settled right next to her cheek. She bit back a gasp when she noticed just how close he had gotten. Without her notice, he had settled just a few hairs breadth away. So close she felt his body heat radiating against her skin. She felt trapped and squirmed slightly. Uncomfortable with how he had her caged. And the way his eyes sparkled mischievously. A teasing smirk on his lips. "But isn't that my job?" He lowered his head, attempting to capture her in a kiss. At the last moment she turned away. Forcing his lips to brush against her cheek. It wasn't that she didn't like him. Far from it. But her mind knew what it would lead to. Things she had thought long since banished had once again resurfaced, and just the thought of being touched made her chest constrict and heart grow cold. Trying to compensate for their now leaden state, her breath hitched as lungs attempted to draw in more air. Her pupils dilated and a slight trembling began to rumble throughout her body.
He pulled back instantly, eyes widening a bit at the unexpected rejection. The disappointment and hurt quickly vanished when he noticed the indications of fear. He quickly retreated a few steps. Leaving her comfort zone.
"Sorry. Just teasing." He murmured softly. Both of them knew that was a lie. His eyes had gleamed with lust, blood pumping violently in reaction to the closeness of her body. Her gaze fell slightly, wishing desperately she could at least pretend to believe the lie. But that was impossible. All it took to disprove was a quick glance to his borrowed shorts. The hardened flesh was already straining against the black cloth. A testament to exactly how serious he had been. An image of another male flashed into her mind. A slight fearful whimper escaped her lips as she remembered the cruel smirk. He took another quick step back. She could feel the shift in his body. The almost imperceptible slump of his shoulders. The bowing tilt of his head. He was intentionally making himself appear smaller. A gesture of submission. The idea made her feel unbearably pathetic. She was the female. The more wolf like of the two. But he was older and more skilled. A born wolf and an alpha of his own pack. They should have been equal in their relationship. To be on even footing from the start. It was all too painfully obvious his foray into submission was only to help her feel unthreatened. To sooth her panicked mind. The situation was so frustrating it made her want to cry. Derek was a strong and proud alpha. Now he was basically groveling to put her at ease. She was so pathetic and damaged; her own mate felt the need to degrade himself for her benefit. Caught up in the self-depreciating spiral, the initial sound of footsteps eluded her. He was halfway to the door before she realized he was leaving.
"Wait!" Her panicked shout echoed across the room as light footsteps bounded over wood. In a moment's time, her arms were woven across his body. Encasing him like a boa would its latest meal. When his next breath came out a wheeze, she realized the ferociousness of her grip. With a fresh wave of patheticness cascading over her mind, she dropped her arms and stepped away. He turned back with intentional slowness. Extreme fear danced in her eyes, but he still felt the need to voice the question.
"You ok?" His voice was as gentle as he could make it. Not exactly something he was used to. Her eyes dropped to the floor, refusing to meet his gaze.
"I'm fine. It's nothing. Sorry about the panic attack." She forced a chuckle through slightly gritted teeth. Trying to convince herself just as much as him. Completely forgetting the mating made them both receptive to the other's turmoil. He was torn between wanting to physically comfort her, and fearing physical contact would just make it worse. The internal debate raged fiercely, until the need to comfort her became almost painful. With some hesitation, he cupped her cheek softly.
"Relax. I won't let anything happen to you." Objectively the promise was very sweet, but Mel still had to fight back the snicker straining at her lips. His presence was a big part of the problem. But it was something that had nothing to do with him. A part of her past. A very near death incident that occurred long before they had even met. The memory haunted her from the moment it happened. Etching itself upon her mind as a chisel would to a stone. But it had been manageable. As long as Denver had been around. When her father died the memories had sprung up with a vengeance. Taunting and torturing her the way such things would. Without him there to protect her, she had felt so vulnerable. Like the child that had been tied and sliced up as depraved sociopaths taunted her. Denver had managed to keep that in check. He kept the scaled balanced. Allowed her to see that a touch did not have to represent violence. With him gone, the scales had begun to tilt. Slowly at first, but gathering astounding force the moment her first night with Derek had ended. It only got worse from there. Her skin crawled and her stomach churned when any male but Saint touched her. Even her mate. The reactions were becoming more difficult to suppress and it frustrated her to no end.
A large part of the problem was Derek's insistence on touching her, oblivious to the torment he caused. And she wasn't exactly eager to bring it up. It was beyond humiliating. She already felt beyond weak and pathetic about how much it had affected her, even after all the time that had passed. Her and Saint were the only ones still alive to know the story. And that wasn't something she was looking to change. Another knowing her shame would be too much to bear.
Being as gentle as he could, the male alpha took her hand. Tugging her towards the bed. It was apparent how badly she needed rest. Eyes lit up in shock as she violently recoiled from his grip. "You want me to go sleep on the couch?"
"No!" She shouted, shaking her head frantically. He sighed, trying to figure out what the hell was going on.
"So, you don't want me to touch or be near you, but you don't want me to leave."
"I…I want you." She muttered. Her voice was soft, pleading. It felt impossible to explain. Him being around could trigger the memories, but it was also comforting. Hell she couldn't entirely make sense of her own thought process. For a few painful moments she expected him to walk away. To leave like the most important people in her life always seemed to. She didn't expect for him to kiss her. Their lips were locked as he held her tightly to his body. So close it became difficult to tell where one ended and the other began. Her mind finally caught up and began to process the situation. With the way his hands flew all over her, he may have misinterpreted her words. But he wasn't even letting her up for air, let alone a proper explanation. In what seemed like moments, both were stripped down to their underwear. Yet she couldn't remember the clothes being removed. He had to be a damn wizard. The thought made her smile. It fell the moment her body touched the bed.
"WAIT!" She all but screamed, bolting upright. Her legs dangled awkwardly off the side. His almost bare body towered over her. Pale green irises gazed down, glimmering with a mix of lust and apprehension. It wasn't fair. Forcing him to become surrogate parent to her pack. Drawing him and his pack into the numerous daunting threats gathering in her world. Practically the only thing he asked of her was this intimacy. Something he had been deprived of for years. Yet, due to events far preceding him, she couldn't even offer that. She hated herself, knowing she was definitely more trouble than she could ever be worth.
"What's wrong?" He had wanted to be with her. Give her comfort. Had thought she had even given him the green light. Seems he had been a bit too eager. She bit her lip nervously, and he could see the way the gears turned in her brain.
"No sex. But ah…" She tried to amend the statement. Tried to remember what the other's called it. A reference to baseball she always thought was ridiculous. A blush quickly spread on her face. "Um, third base. That's it for tonight."
"Third…base." He said the words slowly, as if trying to sound out a foreign word. The blush on her face deepened as she nodded. He looked at her, as if still not understanding her intent. Without a word she tugged his boxers down. Fought not to flinch when he sprang out. His eyes widened as her head lowered. A hiss escaped his lips as heat engulfed him.
She bobbed down his length, changing her movements in reaction to his sounds. Honestly, she had no idea what the hell she was doing. Had never done much research into sex. Never found the need. She was highly regretting that thought process right now.
Derek couldn't suppress the groan straining at his lips. His mate was inexperienced, that much was obvious. But what she lacked in experience she more than made up for in enthusiasm. Unfortunately, a part of his brain insisted on being a gnat. Flying around his head with the most incessant buzzing. Seemingly intent on ruining the experience. It badgered him about his selfishness. Taking the pleasure she offered without giving any in exchange. The smell of her arousal danced across his nose, further taunting him that his poor mate was going to be left unsatisfied. He wanted to just shut the annoying thoughts out. But it was becoming more difficult to ignore them. Especially because it were right. He was being selfish. With as much self-restraint as he could muster, he forced her head away. In an instant she was on her back, panties already on the floor. She whimpered as he pushed into her body. His movements had been nothing but gentle. His eyes held a surprisingly warm and tender glow. Under normal circumstances she would have noticed these things. But not tonight. Tonight her mind decided to be cruel and keep the haunting memories too close to the surface. Filled with terror and frustration, it was impossible for her to interpret his actions as anything but forceful.
Mid thrust a searing pain appeared on the male alpha's cheek. He paused, watching in abject fascination as several red droplets fell onto the creamy flesh of his mate. A sideways glance revealed her now extended claws raised in a defensive manner, blood still clinging to the tips. He slipped out and took a step back. The moment their bodies were no longer connected she retreated onto the bed. Huddling in the center and watching intently with frightened eyes. Gingerly touching his face, he felt the cuts now lining his cheek and jaw. Deep and ragged. She had meant to hurt him.
"I said no." Her voice shook. Tears quickly filled her eyes as her body began to tremble. He reached out, wanting to comfort. A sigh fell from his lips as she recoiled from his touch. She looked down at the comforter, making it more than obvious how little she wanted to do with him. With another sigh he retreated to the shower. Wanting to clean up and give her space. A cold shower helped settle his body down quickly. With deliberate slowness, he opened the bathroom door. Not wanting to frighten her any worse. He cursed slightly when the door opened to reveal an empty room. He had expected it, but that didn't make the sting any less painful.
"You don't have to do anything tomorrow. We have a meeting planned and I could be the one to stop by Scott's house. I can help him with all the subjects, including the werewolf for beginners thing. It's not like he's starting from square one." Saint whispered his soft plea into the dark, hoping it would be listened to.
"Oh please." Mel snickered, cuddling further into the pillow. "The world doesn't stop spinning just because I have a freak out."
Why the fuck not? Saint bit back the frustrated words. The exact thing she needed to hear. But not from him. As much as she loved and respected him, there had only been two people in his memory that could ever force her to slow the hell down. Her father and Denver. He never really understood it, but they just had this way about them. She would struggle like hell, but her resistance would always falter. They could force her to relinquish some of her burdens. Make her take a very necessary rest. Another sigh strained at his lips as Saint realized what he had to do. Tomorrow he had to break her trust. Shouldering everything was slowly killing her and she refused to see it. As a good brother, he couldn't just stand by and watch it happen. There was no way in hell Derek could ever mimic the gentleness of Denver, but he definitely had a good deal in common with her dad. She would hate him for this, but better she hate and receive help, then be left to sulk in such misery.
I am so sorry for just disappearing for so long. Life has a way of sucker punching you, and I was dragged into the world of Tumblr. I will try to be better about updates.