Okay, so I recently realized that I made a mistake in the last chapter. The last two chapters took place on a Friday, and I mentioned that the full moon was the day after, which was Saturday. But when Madam Pomfrey told Remus that he had therapy, he reacted as though the full moon was that night. So yeah, just ignore that. Sorry about that. This chapter isn't very good, but I was getting impatient to get on to the next chapter. However, this needed to happen. So yeah, I'm sorry that this isn't my best work, but I hope you enjoy :)

Chapter 10

Remus entered the room where his group therapy was being held, unsure of what to expect. He knew that he would be meeting with other wizards and witches who self-harmed. But that was about it. Saying that Remus was nervous would have been an understatement. He was getting shaky and sweaty. As soon as he had arrived by floo powder, he had contemplated making a run for it, before the logical side of his brain started working again. He had no choice but to stay. Especially now that Madam Pomfrey, and surely Dumbledore, knew that he had cut himself again. Remus felt resentful towards Sirius for taking him to the hospital wing; he should have just left it alone. Remus would have remained alive and well.

Alive, at least.

Nonetheless, he found himself walking across a checkered tile floor towards a group of people sitting on chairs that were arranged in a circle. He still felt sick, and now nervous, along with horribly depressed. Remus wasn't actually sure how he forced himself to approach the group of young witches and wizards.

But he did.

And when he did, an older man, who Remus supposed was the healer leading the session, greeted him. He was loud, and seemed like one of those people who was just way too excited about life. The man introduced himself as Dr. Smith, and then proceeded to offer Remus the chair next to him. Remus wished he could have sat farther away from the healer, but he didn't want to be rude, and so he took the seat.

"You must be Remus," Dr. Smith began. "Madam Pomfrey's told me a bit about you."

Remus couldn't help but wonder what exactly she had told him. He hated that she was allowed to do that. To discuss him as though he wasn't a human being, but as a story. This healer probably viewed him as just another patient. Remus' entire life was just a story to him, a story to be examined. Remus didn't want anyone to examine him. He didn't want to be a patient. He wasn't sick. He was just sad.

Remus looked around to see who else had been forced to come. He was surprised when he recognized a few of the faces from Hogwarts. There was Nevin, a fellow Gryffindor, who was a year or two below Remus. He had always been kind of quiet. There was, to his surprise, a very outgoing Slytherin named Evianna. Then there was another boy, who looked somewhat familiar, from Ravenclaw. There was a rather large Gryffindor that had graduated a few years before. He wondered how they gotten here. Had their secrets been discovered by Madam Pomfrey too? Had they come through the fire in Dumbledore's office? Then there were also three others who Remus didn't recognize at all.

After a few more moments of silence, in which everybody stared at Remus, who was, undoubtedly, the new kid, the healer spoke again, this time to the whole group. "To our returning group members: Welcome back! To our new members: Welcome! Today, we're going to dive right into things with introducing yourselves. I want your name, your age, you house, if applicable, your high/low of the week, and how many days you've been clean for. How about you start us off, Gage?"

This was all moving way to fast for Remus. Before he could fully process what was going on, Gage, the rather large one, spoke. "My name's Gage," He began almost too enthusiastically. "I'm 19 years old. I graduated from Hogwarts two years ago, but I was a Gryffindor. The low of my week would have to be losing my wand. I went to get a new one at Ollivander's, and I found it the next day!" He laughed. Remus thought he was a bit of an idiot. "My high would be- Well, actually, as of today, I'm a year clean. I've been cut free for a whole year," He finished with a smile. Everybody rushed to congratulate him.

Remus still wasn't sure what he was doing there. He didn't want to discuss this with anyone. Maybe these people understood what it was like to self-harm, but they didn't understand him or what he was feeling. None of them ever would. Unless there was another gay, religious, werewolf sitting in the room who just so happened to be in love with his best friend.

Evianna, who had been sitting next to Gage, spoke next, without having to be prompted. "Evianna. 16 years old. Slytherin. Low of the week would be coming here. Don't have a high. Four days clean."

Remus liked her a lot better than Gage. She kept it short, real, and to the point. She wasn't overly optimistic. She didn't even bother to pretend she wasn't hating every second of that meeting.

"Michael, your next,"

The small, quiet boy from Ravenclaw spoke up. "I'm Michael," He mumbled, so quietly that Dr. Smith had to ask him to speak up. "I'm seventeen years old, and I'm in Ravenclaw house. The high of my week hasn't happened yet. The low would be potions class." Remus, at this, accidentally let out a snicker. The boy looked up, and his blue eyes met Remus'. He held his stare for what felt like much too long a time. Remus wanted to look away, but he found that he couldn't. After a moment of this, the boy spoke again. "I'm a little over a month clean." When he finished speaking, he looked down on the ground, as if that could stop people from realizing he was there.

Remus was up next. He felt just as small as Michael had looked. He spoke just as quietly when he told the group that he was Remus, and that he was seventeen years old. He was a Gryffindor at Hogwarts. The high of his week would be talking to his friend Lily. The low of his week would happen the next day. He was zero days clean. He had hesitated to share this.

Nobody even batted his eye. Nobody asked what the low of his week would be, either, or how he already knew it would happen.

It was Nevin who broke the silence next. "I'm Nevin, and I'm in my fifth year at Hogwarts, in Gryffindor house. The high of my week would be the fact that its Friday. The low would be the moment that two months of being cut-free went down the drain. I'm 6 days clean."

Then the last three in the group went. There was a girl named Carter and another named Margot, who were home schooled. Carter was kept home by her muggle father, and taught by her mother, who was a witch, because she had a severe case of breast cancer. She was 3 months clean. Margot had gone to Hogwarts for two years, but had been bullied so severely, that she had pulled out. She was only 2 weeks clean. Josh went to muggle school, because he was a squib. He was 3 days clean.

"I would like to congratulate Gage, Michael, and Carter for staying clean for so long. Great progress, guys! To the others, keep working. A day clean is better than no days clean,"

Evianna looked at Remus at this point. She was definitely not known for her subtlety.

"Most of you will recall last week's meeting, and how we talked about how self harming makes us feel, and how it may seem to help us deal with things, when in reality, its only adding a new problem. This week, I thought we could discuss some of the reasons we feel the need to self harm. Would anybody like to start us off?

Gage, to nobody's surprise, was the first one to speak up. "For me, it was because of the bullying. I was so insecure. I felt ugly and fat and worthless. I thought I deserved it," He said seriously.

Remus was surprised to see the boisterous boy before him say such sad and hopeless things. He was even more surprised that he could actually relate to something somebody was saying. He thought nobody understood him. He had never really been bullied, well, not at Hogwarts at least, and he had never really felt fat. But he had felt ugly and worthless. And he had definitely felt the need to punish himself.

"That's a very common thought among self harmers. Nobody really deserves that, though, do they Gage?"

"No. I've come along way since then, and I've realized that I never deserved to be anything less than happy. I remember cutting myself to stop myself from eating so much. Now I know that I just need to treat myself right, and only then will I be healthy and happy.

He made it sound so easy. But for Remus, his self hatred wasn't that... shallow. It was something burried so deep inside him. He was clinging to it so closely, because he didn't know who he would be without it. He needed it. He needed his self hatred, his sadness, his blade. These were the things that made him.

"It's never been about punishing myself. It's always been just because I didn't know what I felt. I have borderline personality disorder. I'm pretty much crazy by diagnosis. I'm reckless and impulsive and indecisive. My opinions on things change really quickly, sometimes I love someone and sometimes I hate them. Sometimes I dissociate and its like the world isn't real. Not to mention I'm a huge attention whore. If someone doesn't pay me enough attention, all of a sudden I'm ready to jump of the Astronomy tower. Nothing I feel ever makes any sense. Cutting myself and seeing the blood run down my arm is something that I can understand."

This explanation given by Evianna made even more sense to Remus than Gage's did. Maybe that was what bothered him so much; he always felt so sad, and he knew he had reasons to be, but he had been sad for so long that the feeling of sadness didn't always connect with the sad events. He could never understand what he felt either. Remus had come to this meeting expecting it to be torturous, and in a way it was. But he had not expected other people to say what he didn't even know was on his mind.

"Self-harm is especially common amongst those with Borderline Personality Disorder. Don't you think therapy and spending time to get to know yourself would be much more effective, though?"

She half-heartedly agreed.

It was Michael who spoke next.

"I think I can relate to both of you. I always felt like there was something wrong with me. There was always just some little feeling that I was different than everyone around me. Then I realized I was gay, started to cut, got a boyfriend, and my father kicked me out of the house. Then the boy dumped me. I cut because I hated myself for how I felt, and because I didn't understand why I felt that way. I needed someone to show they cared about me, but nobody did."

He kept it short, but it was enough for Remus. That was exactly how Remus felt. He was disgusted by himself. Everybody else was disgusted by him. He deserved every cut he had ever made. It was his way of expressing on his body that there was something wrong with him.

For the rest of the session, the others went around and talked about their reasons for self-harm, while Dr. Smith pointed out the flaws in each of their explanations. Nevin had anger issues. Carter said that depression was a side effect of dying. Margot said it was because she was lonely. Josh said it was because he always had to see what he was missing without magic.

The thing that stuck out most to Remus, though, was the fact that everybody seemed to hate themselves. All of these seemingly normal people, drowning in self-hatred, just waiting for somebody to let them up for air. He wondered if that was how they all saw him. But he wasn't normal. He was a monster, and he would always be a monster. That was what he said, when his turn came. He told the group that he was a monster. That he was gay. That we was worthless.

Those who attended Hogwarts all traveled back together by Floo powder, ending up in Dumbledore's office. Remus figured that the group usually all traveled together, but that he had been late that session. Evianna and Nevin were joking together, mimicking the healer. Michael came up to Remus.

"Hey,"

"Hey," Remus replied.

"So... how'd you like the first session?" Michael had wanted to talk to Remus, but he didn't really know what he wanted to say.

Remus hesitated, not knowing what Michael wanted to hear. He eventually resigned with "It was...interesting."

"Tell me about it. Spending an hour with a bunch of angsty teenagers. Oh the pain!" Michael said over dramatically. He laughed, and when he did, Remus thought he was sort of cute. Not handsome, like Sirius was. Nobody was handsome like Sirius was. But his eyes were bright and blue and stunning, and his well-kept blonde hair suited him nicely. His smile cute, but small and controlled, also unlike Sirius. Sirius' brown eyes were wild and fun. His hair was longer, and a dark color that contrasted perfectly with his skin tone. And his crooked smile was the opposite of controlled. It lit up his whole face. It hinted at a sort of recklessness Remus just found breathtakingly beautiful. Realizing he had been thinking about Sirius again, Remus quickly snapped himself out of it and reentered the conversation.

"Er- I've got to go back to the hospital wing," Remus stated, as they passed it's entrance.

"Oh," Michael said, sounding a little disappointed. "We should get together sometime." Another smile. Remus, in all honesty, wasn't entirely sure how he felt about Michael. He was cute and all, but he wasn't Sirius. Sirius doesn't like you, he reminded himself. Plus, it was nice to see someone showing interest in him. Especially someone who could understand him like Sirius would never be able to. So Remus agreed, and promised to look out for him. He reentered the hospital wing and found Sirius sitting there, as though he had been waiting for him for a very long time.

"Finally!" He exclaimed. Sirius had, in fact, waited the entire hour for Remus to come back, so they could discuss the session. He had, however, seen Remus walking with a Ravenclaw boy who, if Sirius' Gaydar was right, was flirting with his Moony.

Madam Pomfrey chastised him for being so loud. She then looked at the time, and informed him that he needed to leave. Sirius, with a growing jealousy inside of him, left Remus with a whispered promise of his return.