My heart has stopped, I'm sure of it. Benny waits for me to say something, and I know he's answered me, but what my question was and how he answered - I have no idea.
"What are you doing here?" I ask again, only this time I've recovered enough to pay attention to his response.
"I told you," he laughs. "I'm here to fight for my wife. You didn't think I'd let you walk out of my life that easily, did you?"
"Benny, I'm with someone," I implore him to understand, but he just shakes his head.
"It doesn't matter," he says simply.
"I'll just leave you two alone," Carter says uncomfortably and heads for the exit.
"No, Carter stay," I demand.
"Kate?" Benny gives me a puzzled look.
"I don't want there to be any confusion about what went on here," I tell them both, but I'm thinking of Sid. He's really going to lose it over this one. "Benny, I thought we agreed..."
"Agreed to what? The last words I spoke to you were letting you know I wasn't going to give up on us," he says emphatically. "How much clearer could I have been?"
"But I emailed you that letter..." I trail off, realizing my mistake. He doesn't have access to that account anymore. How could I have been so stupid!
"Email accounts, electronic passwords, even pin numbers," he makes a motion like a gust of air, "poof! Gone. I don't remember any of them."
"Of course," I scold myself for being so idiotic. I look up at Carter, and the disapproving look he's giving me lets me know he's thinking the exact same thing.
"I know you have a boyfriend," Benny starts, his voice cool and detached. "The thing is, I don't care. You're my wife and I want you back."
"Ex-wife," Carter quickly corrects him.
"Sorry, who are you exactly?" Benny stares down Carter, but my bold assistant doesn't shrink.
"Carter, Kate's assistant."
"Nice to meet you Carter, but do you mind..."
"We've met," Carter interrupts. "Many times. Like I said, I'm Kate's assistant and right now I'm just following my boss' orders."
"Benny," I hiss, anger sweeping over me. "I'm at work, I don't have time to deal with this at the moment. Please, go home."
"Whatever you say Kate," he winks at me and turns to leave. "I'll see you later."
Carter quickly shuts the door behind him, and turns to gape at me. "What the fuck was that?" he shrieks, immediately covering his mouth and diving into the seat across mine.
"Oh god Carter, this is the last thing I need right now!"
"Oh my god Kate," Carter scolds. "An email?! What were you thinking?"
"I wasn't!" I say defensively. "Sid was furious at me, I wasn't sleeping, it was the middle of the night and I needed to make him understand. Thanks for the heads up by the way! You just let him wander in here without even a warning?"
"But Kate, of course he wouldn't get an email, he doesn't even remember his ex-wife, but you thought he'd remember his email passwords?" Carter cries in disbelief, completely ignoring my questions.
"I know, I know, stupid, stupid, stupid!" I cry. "Sid is going to be fucking pissed about this," I moan. "And what the hell does 'I'll see you later' mean?"
"You don't think...?"
"He cannot be staying in town," I say gravely. "People are already snapping my picture whenever I'm out, if Sid ever saw me out with Benny, he'd flip."
"You have to tell Sid," Carter says urgently.
"I can't, not when he's on a road trip and can't do anything about it. Last time he was completely distracted and played horribly. I don't want to put him through that again. I'm just going to be firm with Benny, and tell him everything I said in the letter."
"Okay," Carter replies instantly. "I think you should call your lawyer and let him know what's going on, and find out what kind of pressure he's getting from their end. If his parents still want you to stay away from him, then you have more to worry about than Sid being miffed."
Carter is right, of course. Just when things are starting to fall into place, my old life starts creeping back up. How can I move forward if everything I put behind me refuses to stay in the past? I dial the lawyers office and wait impatiently for someone, anyone to pick up and in my distracted state I don't notice Carter pull my notepad off my laptop and scan the list I've been working on. By the time I realize what he's engrossed in, it's too late - his eyes are bugging out and he's pursing his lips. He shakes his head and holds his head in his hands, sighing in exasperation.
I leave a brief message urgently asking my lawyer to call me, then reluctantly hang up the phone, preparing myself to face the wrath of Carter.
"You know what this is, don't you?" he holds up the offending list dramatically.
"It's a list of practical concerns," I say meekly.
"This is called cold feet," he rips the list in half down the middle. "Let's make a different list," he suggests brightly.
"Carter, that was just some notes for me..."
"Stop," he interrupts. "You over think, agree?" I nod. "You worst-case-scenario everything, yes?" I nod again. "You don't give yourself enough credit, right?" I not a third time. "Okay, so let's make a list of things you bring to this relationship. Focus on what you can do instead of what you're scared with get in the way," he finishes, pulling out a blank sheet of paper and tacking it to the wall. "First," he presses pen to paper, "you're independent, which will be useful with all his traveling."
I hate when he's right.
"You're financially secure," he writes. "So Sid knows you're with him for the right reasons."
"He won't let me help pay for anything though," I sulk.
"Who cares? What difference does that make?" Carter says simply.
"Well, I guess it makes me feel like I'm taking advantage of him," I shrug.
"Oh geez Kate, he wants to take care of you, let him."
Is it that easy? When I was married, I was the main breadwinner, and since I've been on my own it's kind of made me proud of how well I've done for myself. That's not going to be the case anymore. Sid makes more money than me, a lot more. That doesn't make me his dependent though. I'm not like those women you hear about who seek out superstars looking for a free ride. Sid knows that, what do I care what anyone else thinks?
"Yeah, what do I care what anyone else thinks?" I repeat out loud, confusing Carter but freeing myself from that piece of insecurity. Carter and I continue this exercise for the next few minutes, and all my previous worries start to melt away. I have control issues, a strong need to predict outcomes, an unwillingness to move forward if I'm not overly-confident about the direction I'm heading. Lose control. This was consistent advice from my therapist. Lose control. I would say this is a situation where losing control is not just advised, but probably required.
If I can predict my life with Sid, then I'm playing it too safe. I love almost everything I know about Sid, so what's wrong with trusting the things I don't know? Carter pulls the list down, folds it, and shreds it. "That's not the kind of thing you should keep laying around," he chuckles. I couldn't agree more. He settles into his desk and starts working, but I'm too anxious waiting for the lawyer to call to start being productive again.
"I love you babe. I'm excited to start our new life together." I send Sid a heartfelt text that he will hopefully read well out of sight from his teammates.
"I'm excited too sweetheart. Loving you long distance!" Oh, I like that. I like that a lot. His words set me at ease, and I busy myself flipping through emails, a little less anxious about the impending phone call. When the phone does ring, I answer on the first ring, maybe a touch over-eager. The lawyer has no news, which he thinks might be a good sign. It means Benny's parents aren't aggressively seeking to finalize the payment structure, meaning they probably realize their demands grossly exceeded a reasonable amount. When I tell him that Benny has arrived in Pittsburgh he is quick to warn me to keep my distance. Any suggestion of a reconciliation could harm the settlement. I'm happy to oblige.
The afternoon soon becomes the early evening and the office starts clearing out for the night. I pack up a few things, preparing for a lonely night in, which will give me ample time to get some work done. The drive home is usually when I zone out and decompress from the day, but tonight for some reason, I feel my anxiety climbing. I can't help myself from wondering where Benny is at this exact moment. He must be in the city somewhere, probably at a hotel, and it's the unknown that is driving me crazy.
The driver pulls up to my house and it's one of the rare occasions he speaks to me, "Looks like you have some company."
"What?" I crane my neck to look out the front windshield and see lights on and a figure moving through the house.
"Were you expecting anyone?" he asks with concern.
"No, I wasn't," I reply. "I have a pretty good idea who it is though."
"I'll walk you to the door," he says immediately and steps out of the car. I scramble to gather my things and join him, grateful for his presence, even if it is a little awkward. I pull out my keys and try the lock only to find the door already open.
"Hello?" I call out, my nervous voice foreign to my own ears.
"Hey, you're home!" Benny appears from the kitchen, wearing and apron and holding a wooden spoon.
"You know him?" the driver whispers.
"I do," I turn to him and smile graciously. "Thank you for coming in with me." He turns and leaves, a small wave his only goodbye. "How did you get in here?" I say forcefully.
"I found your hide-a-key," he says simply.
"Benny, that's so inappropriate," I hiss. "I want you to leave."
"I'm just making us some supper, Kate. I thought you'd appreciate that after a long day at work," he smiles.
"Benny, this is my house..." I start.
"Technically, it's our house," he corrects me.
"No, it's my house. I live here, not you. I want you to leave, now."
"And where am I supposed to go Kate? Come on it's late, let's share a meal, talk a little bit, I'll sleep on the couch. I promise." His confidence is so irritating, and the man I was once finding it hard to be mad at is now making it very, very easy.
"Are you kidding? You can't stay here. I'm with someone else. I have a boyfriend. I don't want to spend time with my ex-husband. Seriously, get out. Get out or I'm going to call..."
"Call the cops? Come on Kate, you and I both know that's not you. Listen, I just want to talk. I'm working so hard at getting my life back, and you're a big part of that life. I need you. I need you to help me figure this all out," he pleads.
"Okay," I concede.
"Yeah?" he brightens immediately.
"Yeah, I'll talk to you, but not like this. My boyfriend is away until Saturday, you can meet him Sunday and we'll talk then," I say evenly.
"Now you're kidding," he chuckles.
"No, I'm not. Benny, this is such a fucked up situation. I don't want to be alone with you, not when he's out of town anyway. The night we went for drinks almost broke up my relationship, and he's too important to me to risk that again."
"He's more important than me?" Benny asks quietly.
"He's the most important person in my life right now," I answer. "Sunday. We'll talk then." I open the door dramatically, expecting him to walk through it and out of my life, but he doesn't move.
"Where do you want me to go?" he asks.
"A hotel?" I suggest.
"Where? In the city? Kate, it's late. Come on, I'll just stay on the couch."
"No way," I say firmly.
"You know, this house is technically half mine, you can't really make me leave if I don't want to go," he says with a grin. He's trying to be playful, but it's just fueling my anger more than anything.
"Fine, you stay here." I turn and walk out the door, slamming it hard behind me.
Home isn't a safe place anymore, my refuge from the world, my retreat after work, gone. For the time being anyway. Short of calling the police, which I really don't want to do, I don't think I'm getting Benny out of my house tonight. I could drive to a hotel, but I'm a nervous driver at the best of times, and I feel pretty shaken up and angry, so that's out of the question. I could call a cab, but I'm way out in the 'burbs and it will take forever. Carter would pick me up though. I could even stay with him, although that's asking a lot. I grab my bag and step off the porch, content to just wander around until the solution presents itself.
And there it is, I've been carrying the answer around with me all this time. I press my lips to the small golden keychain, grateful that Sidney had the foresight to know I would need this one day. Today more than ever.