Disclaimer – I do not own Twilight. All recognizable plot and characters belong to the talented Stephanie Meyer.
This story is rated M. Some scenes will be graphic so please if you are under 18 do not read.
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I had promised Paul I'd try with the pack but the truth was, I wasn't ready to make nice. Just the thought of them made me angry. I would have to start small. I invited Jared and Kim over for dinner. I liked them.
"Jared and Kim don't count as trying with the pack." Paul told me coming into the kitchen as though he'd read my mind.
"Why not, Jared's a wolf."
"Jared's been my best friend forever, you don't think of him as pack. Kim and he are the only ones you've been sociably to since moving here.
"Emily helped with the yard." I countered.
"So invite Emily and Sam over."
I glared at him, "Why does he need to come here, don't you take enough of his shit out there every damn day."
"Sam is Alpha Bella, he isn't a dictator he's our general and yes in those cases he leads and gives us orders but the rest of the time he is just our friend."
"Your friend, not mine."
"You said you would try."
"I also said Sam was a different matter."
"Fine, invite Jake and Holly or Quil and Angela or all of them."
"Why?"
"To get to know the pack."
"I already know them."
He growled and ran his hand through his hair, I really fucking hated it when he did that, he got it from Sam, the same way they had all picked up Jake's way of saying sure, sure. It made me want to scream.
"Give the pack a chance Bella, please."
"Did Sam really Alpha order you to bring me out in public more?"
"No, but with Jake and Quil on him he's close to it."
"Does Seth count?"
He smiled a little, "Any of them but Jared and Kim."
I sighed, "Fine, I'll invite Seth and Jenna over too."
"Thank you."
"Are you going out?"
"I'm finishing a carving for the Council House, do you want to come?"
I shook my head, "Not if its because Sam and Jake want it."
He sighed, "They're both working. I'd like you to come. Sue will be there, we can see if she and Charlie want to get lunch."
"Ok." I shrugged. "I have to be back by four to get dinner going though. Jared and Kim are coming over at seven."
I packed a book in my bag and went with Paul but never ended up reading. Watching Paul carving the log was captivating. He was beautiful, his concentration absolute. We had lunch with Sue and Charlie at the diner and then went grocery shopping.
Dinner went well. I was always comfortable with Jared and Kim and Seth really was a sweet guy. I'd forgot how well I'd gotten along with Jenna at the beach that first day to. It would be easy enough to spend more time with them. It was just so foreign to me to actually attempt to make friends. Lisa Anne and I were both loners and bitches, we melded well together and August and Etienne had just sort of evolved into more than just a boss and his boyfriend without me meaning them to. I'd spent so long trying not to get attached to people it was strange now to be trying to make connections. It made me realize how damaged I still was. Maybe I wasn't as over the past as I had wanted to be.
I learned the woman who had disapproved of my working at the bar and café in New Orleans was Jenna's mother. She still disapproved of me so my first visit to Jenna was also my last. I had her come over instead.
Finally, Sunday came around again.
"Dinner at Sam's tonight." Paul told me coming onto the porch.
"You go."
"Bella."
"I had lunch with Seth today, in public and everything. What the hell more does his dictatorship General Wolf want?"
I could see Paul fighting a smile, "I'll bring something home to eat after the pack meeting."
"Eat with your brothers, I made plans with Charlie anyways."
He chuckled and kissed the top of my head, "Fine, I'll see you later."
The next week the twins came back to mow my lawn for me since it was becoming a mess again, I had them stay for lunch and we ended up playing on Paul's x-box. They were hilarious and I was proud of my new pack bond. Four members in two weeks, that had to appease the dictator. I mentally reminded myself it annoyed Paul when I called Sam that so when I mentioned it to him later I made sure to just call him General. Paul didn't mind that as much. It was at least better than many of the other names I called his boss.
I steadfastly refused to talk to Jake, Quil or Angela and there was no way in hell I was making nice with General Wolf but the rest of the pack I deemed it ok to socialize with on the rare occasions I felt the need to leave my sanctuary in the woods. Mostly I was still a loner. I had always been a bit of an introvert. I liked to read, I liked the quiet and I loved spending time with Paul. I could talk to him about anything, debate random silly things or just be still and quiet next to him, I always felt a pervading calm when he was near. That and an excessive amount of lust and frustration, as close as we were, we were still just good friends. Leave it to me to have somehow fucked up the imprint thing and be the only one whose wolf didn't actually desire her. Besides the lust, which I refused to acknowledge life with Paul was peaceful and easy.
I had been living with Paul for over six weeks when the first real vampire threat affected my life. The blonde was back and I guess this time she wasn't alone and her eyes were not so innocent anymore.
Sam called to order me to his house. I was in the tub and the incessantly ringing phone pulled me out of my happily relaxed state. "Yeah?" I answered, dripping on the bedroom floor.
"Get to mine and Emily's."
"Fuck off." I hung up on him and went to move back to my bath.
The phone rang again, I growled and grabbed the receiver, "What?"
"Go to Sam and Em's there's a Leech on the rez."
"I don't take orders Paul."
"Please."
I sighed, "Fine. Pick me up after and stay safe."
"Sure, sure." That fucking saying! I dropped the phone back in its cradle and sighed. So much for my bath, I quickly dried and pulled on clothes before grabbing the keys to Paul's truck.
All the other imprints were already at the house when I arrived. I wonder if this counted as this weeks quota of pack bonding? I went into the house where Emily was doing her mama wolf thing, cooking for when the boys got back and feeding us. It was a wonder the imprints weren't fat.
"I'm almost surprised to see you here." Angela came over to me.
I shrugged, "Paul called and asked me to wait here."
"Before or after you hung up on Sam?" Kim asked coming over.
"You were with him?"
She laughed, "Just an educated guess."
"So what do you do now?"
"We wait."
"I say we drink." Holly suggested.
Hmm, maybe Jake's imprint wasn't so bad. "I'm all for it." I concurred. Who knew how long we'd be here, might as well get drunk. Hey drunken imprint bonding; that had to count for the trying with the whole be more sociable with the pack effort.
I was surprised when Emily opened the freezer and pulled out a bottle of vodka. "I think we can all use it. Jen, you're staying the night with Seth right?"
"Yeah, mum's out of town anyways."
Drinks were passed around, the imprints were all great girls and I found myself actually enjoying the time.
We began to talk about past relationships, pre-imprint lives, gossip about the guys and dreams for the future. I learned more in that hour than I had in the weeks I'd been living with Paul. Of course that wasn't really surprising since Paul and I didn't really talk about the pack and I only left my haven when I had to. Mostly I just stayed at Paul's, writing and cooking or hanging out with Paul.
Everyone was chatting until Angela turned to me, "I tried you know."
"Angela?"
"To talk to you. You avoid me, Quil and Jake and I get it I do. The way things happened was horrible but I tried to talk to you at school, to be your friend. You're the one who gave up on me."
I just looked at her for a a full minute, I could feel tears stinging my eyes, "I know Ang. I'm sorry. I just knew what you were going to say, how things would be. By that point I was just so broken but you're right, its not your fault and I know you did try. I'm sorry."
She sent me a small smile; "Maybe we can try to be friends again then? I missed you."
I smiled back at her and nodded, "If you can forgive me. I'd like that."
She nodded and then seemed to hesitate, "Do you think you'll ever forgive Quil and Jake? Quil really misses you and I know Jake does to."
"I don't know Angela. Honestly I am just so angry because it still hurts."
Holly spoke up, shocking us all. "Jake's still in love with Bella." she silenced the room. "The only question I have is if she loves him back."
I looked at her and took in a deep breath deciding to be honest, "I wanted to want Jake but I didn't love him like that and I couldn't make myself feel what I didn't. He wasn't my choice. Sam would have chosen someone else, he had already chosen Leah, he loved her and Jake chose me, loved me. So what does that mean? What does the imprint really mean?"
"What do you want?" Kim asked quietly.
"To be free. I want to take Paul and go back to New Orleans but I can't have both. I can have the life I worked so hard for or a life with Paul. I love him, I tried not to because I hate what he is, I hate the imprint and everything supernatural but I love who he is. I will live everyday wondering if he really loves me or if its just the imprint because I don't know if he would have chosen me without it and it kills me because I don't think he would have. I can't understand how that doesn't bother you. They don't have a choice, their love, its not real or if its real its not natural, its because they're supernatural. They wouldn't have chosen us without it."
"Jared sat beside me for two years." Kim's voice wavered with tears, "He never even spoke to me."
"This is crazy. Jared loves you Kim, how can you doubt that?" Angela spoke up, her voice shaky.
"It's easy for you. Quil was crazy for you before he phased. Sam had proposed to Leah, he wanted to spend his life with her." Emily countered.
"Jake is so concerned with Paul having imprinted on Bella, its all he can do not to phase just thinking about it. He's adamant that Paul doesn't deserve her, no one could possibly deserve her because he still wants her for himself." Holly added.
"Seth doesn't even offer an opinion on things, its just, whatever you want Jenna. I don't even think he really sees me or particularly likes me. I'm just his imprint, the girl he has to love."
"That's what I hate, it's why I hate the pack and all the fake happy family bullshit that comes with it. They all only care about us because one of them imprinted."
"That's not true." Angela insisted quietly. No one answered her. We were all lost in our own thoughts.
After a while, Emily refilled all the drinks.
"We were fighting about Leah." She said sitting back down. We all turned to her. "When he phased to close to me, we were fighting about Leah."
"Jake almost phased next to me in the kitchen after Paul imprinted on Bella and he still keeps the bike's they built together on the side wall in the garage. He won't use them or sell them, no one is even allowed to touch them.
"Sometimes I think Jared resents me for the imprint. He'll go outside and drink with Paul. Oh he'll do anything to make sure I'm happy and have everything I need but just before he goes I see this look in his eyes."
"Like's he's trapped in a cage." Jenna finished for her. "Seth gets it to sometimes. It's always easy to tell when he's thought something bad about the imprint because he becomes extra attentive, like the guilt of it is eating at him but even the guilt makes him resent it more and I know he's not really with me because he wants to be."
"Sam still watches Leah. When the whole pack is here, I see him look at her with this expression, like longing mixed with regret." Emily sighed and took a large sip of her drink.
"Why do you live with it?" I found myself asking.
"Why are you?" Kim returned.
"I fell in love with him." I answered a little bitterly.
"Why?"
"I feel safe with him. I never noticed it before, not until it was gone, but I was always anxious. I'm not around him. Also, because he makes me feel nothing."
"Nothing?"
"I always felt like I needed to be better. I needed to hold everything together. With Paul I don't care if he doesn't like my clothes or my hair, I don't care if he hates something that I love. He never makes me feel unworthy because I'm different or not beautiful."
"Is it enough?" Jenna seemed to be asking herself the question.
"I don't know." I answered her anyways.
"I bet the sex makes it hard to not feel beautiful and loved though." Angela spoke up again.
I shrugged, "Paul and I aren't having sex."
They all looked at me like I had grown another head. Hell I wanted to but it was just not an element of our relationship. He didn't want me like that. What surprised me is that unlike with Edward he didn't make me feel unworthy, unloved, or not pretty enough, it just wasn't an issue. My hormones might be but I could deal with those.
Kim found her voice first, "You and Paul aren't… With Paul?"
I shook my head again.
"But Paul is so…" Holly's voice trailed off.
"Have a thing for my wolf Hol?" I joked.
"No." She laughed. I didn't mean that. He's to scary for me, I'd swear he never smiled."
"It's just that it's Paul." Emily spoke as though that would clarify things for me.
"So?"
"Paul's so, well, he's so, instinctual." Jenna tried.
"Instinctual?" I frowned at her.
"You know, driven by the basic needs of animal instincts, fighting, fucking and eating." She blushed.
Just how different was Paul with me? If he was the most horny of the wolves what did it mean that sex wasn't part of our bond? Why didn't he want me?
"Maybe that just proves the point." I fought the urge to cry.
"Point?" Angela asked.
"Paul doesn't want me, he's just forced to be with me because of the imprint. That's not love, it's not real, it's a supernatural curse."
We drank more. All conversation stalled. Twenty minutes later, the boys came in looking dirty and tired.
"There's food in the oven." Emily barely glanced at them before looking back to us. "I'm going to lie down now that every one is home safe. Goodnight girls."
We all nodded and murmured goodnight.
"I'm ready to go to." Jenna stood up.
"Want a ride?" Holly rose as well.
"I don't think we should be driving." Angela advised.
"Want to walk with me Kim?" I got up and she nodded.
"Jared, bring the truck after you eat." She told him.
"I'll walk with you." Holly pulled on her shoes.
"Mind the detour to mine as well?" Jenna asked looking over at us.
"You can sleep at mine. Jake's supposed to be on patrol in an hour so he won't be home tonight."
"Great." She nodded and we left, the guys just watching us, speechless in surprise.
I said goodbye to the girls at the turnoff and walked the rest of the way to Paul's house. Inside I went up to the attic and locked the door before climbing into bed. A little while later I heard the door rattle and then the retreating steps as Paul went back downstairs. It was the first night since I had moved here that I hadn't slept wrapped in his arms.
I didn't sleep much that night, just reviewed the surprising conversation over and over again in my mind.
In the morning, I woke up to find Kim and Jared already over.
"Morning Kim." I sent her a weak smile.
"I made coffee." Paul told me as he came into the kitchen.
I wasn't ready to face him yet so I focused on Kim. "Great, have a mug Kim?"
"Love one, shall we sit outside?"
I nodded and poured us both a fresh mug.
"I have patrol." Paul reminded me.
"Be careful." I nodded to him and continued on out back with Kim. We sat silently sipping and the boys came out a few minutes after to phase. It was another ten minutes before either of us broke the silence.
"I think I might need some time." Kim spoke in a whisper.
I nodded, "I think I might need to think a bit to."
We finished our coffee in silence, our peace broken by the sound of an engine. It was Emily and Holly.
Tears streamed down Emily's cheeks as she climbed out, "I'm leaving Sam" was all she said.
"You to?" I asked Holly as Kim hugged Emily.
She nodded, "I packed while he ran patrol last night. Em and I are going to rent a room in Forks until we figure a few things out."
"Charlie hasn't sold the house yet. It's small for four but we can make it work."
I tossed a few things into a gym bag and then we went to Kim's. Emily had us stop by the grocery and liquor store on our way to my old house. The furniture was still all there but we had to go back out for sheets and things. By mid-afternoon we were settled in and all had several missed calls from the boys.
"So what do we do?" I asked Emily. She had been an imprint the longest, "How do we do this without making them suffer from the voodoo imprint shit?"
"They have to be whatever we want them to be." Kim was the one to speak.
"As long as they are near us, spend time with us, then it should be fine." Emily added.
"We'll have to help each other stay strong." Holly told us.
"It wont take them long to sniff us out. Sam knows I don't like to leave much, people on the reservation are bad enough but off the reservation they really stare."
"The pull of the imprint will lead us all to want to be nearer to them and whenever I am near Jared I want him."
"Like Holly said, we just have to be strong for each other." I told her.
Emily was right; it didn't take long for the boys to show up.
"Who's up first?" Holly asked as she came out of the bathroom.
"Emily." I told her.
Emily shook her hair back, lifting her chin and opened the front door. "Hello Sam."
"Em?" He moved to kiss her but she stepped back. "What's going on baby?"
"I'm sorry." She whispered.
"Em?"
She sniffed and swallowed, "I need some time, I think you should focus the boys and this blonde vamp for a while."
He looked from her to me on the stairs, his expression immediately hardened, "What have you done."
I shrugged, "Nothing, I just moved home. Emily came to me for a place to stay."
"Moved home?" He asked, "Does Paul know?"
"I imagine he will when he gets home and sees that I'm not staying with him anymore."
"And why aren't you staying with him?"
"Freeloading off my friends isn't really my style."
"Your friends?"
"Yes, my friends, I figure that's about as close a description as I can come to, though really I suppose I can just say I don't want to freeload off my wolf, perhaps that's more fitting." I mused, "What do you think Holly?"
"Oh I think your wolf is the better way to put it. I mean, you aren't really friends if you think about it, just supernaturally bound." She replied, "I do know how you feel though, I've been freeloading off my wolf for a while now. It's past time to stand on my own two feet again. I mean I moved here almost a year ago."
"Emily." He turned back to her, "What's going on baby? Please talk to me, tell me what you need? I can make it better if you just tell me what it is you want."
"I want you to go home Sam." Her voice was still quiet but it was steady.
"Holly what abut Jake?"
"Oh, Bella's agreed to put me up for a while to."
"All four of us thought we'd take a little step back to think about some things." Kim stepped down to me.
"What things? Emily?" He turned back to his wife.
"Go home Sam."
"You're my wife."
"Just not the right wife." She responded. Kim took her hand, "Please go home. I want you to go home now and leave me alone for a little while."
Sam's body was trembling as she closed the door. Jake, Paul and Jared were in the yard minutes later; the large black form of Sam's wolf was visible in the tree line.
"Bella!" Paul shouted banging on the door.
"Kim!"
"Holly!"
Jared and Jake shouted overtop of each other.
I steeled myself and pulled open the door, "Please try not to break the door Paul, it's not strong enough to stand against you."
"What the hell is going on!"
"Oh, well I've moved home. Charlie and I worked out a great deal on the place and the girls are helping me with some update projects, you know, painting, new cupboards things like that."
"Why?" He demanded, his hands trembling.
"Well isn't this what you all wanted? Me to move home permanently? As far as I understand, that's how the imprint works right? I need to stay here so you can be near me."
"Why did you move out?" He growled.
"Well I'm taking your advice Paul, or following your example really. I might have a lot of bad memories in this house and this town but I'm stuck here so I'll make the most of it. Update the house, make my own fresh start and make it into home. Can't live off you forever can I?"
"Why not?"
I smiled at him, "I'm sure you'll still find a way to make sure I eat enough or whatever else makes your wolf all secure in my well being without being forced to cohabitate."
"Bella?" His eyes were dong that weird liquid shit that made me want to be closer to him.
"You should be happy Paul. You've got everything you wanted." He looked at me confused, "I'm off your rez but still around to satisfy the need of the wolf voodoo shit. I've bonded with the other imprints; I even invited Emily and Holly over just like you suggested and I did talk to Angela last night, we're trying to rebuild our friendship. Now, I'm safe so you can go home and I'll put in my required pack time tomorrow to satisfy the imprint." The trembling in his hands had intensified and his whole body was shaking lightly, "You really should calm down Paul. You're standing a little close to me and the girls to phase just now." He looked almost like I'd hit him. "Just go home and we'll be around tomorrow sometime. I need to pick up the rest of my things."
"Me too." Holly called, "I just brought a few things."
"Hol?" Jake called stepping forward.
She smiled at him, "Aren't you happy Jake? I'm bonding with Bella just like you wanted. I'll see you at work tomorrow. I figure the time together at the garage should satisfy the imprint well enough."
"Holly?"
"Nothing to say Jared?" Kim spoke up.
"Kim?"
"I suppose I didn't really expect you to." She mused.
"Kim, baby, please tell me what's going on?"
"I'm out growing my high school crush."
Jared began to shake even more than Paul. "Oh don't worry, I still love you. I'm just not sure exactly what I want anymore or if that's enough for me."
"Kim?"
"You should go home now. We can work out how all of us can satisfy the imprint together tomorrow. Maybe the Sunday pack dinners will help and you can patrol around the house once in a while." She shrugged, "We'll figure it out tomorrow, say ten?"
"Ok, well, goodnight then." With that Holly followed Emily's example with Sam and shut the door in their faces.
That night we ordered a pizza and drank a lot. I already hated sleeping without Paul. I wondered how much harder it was for them, they'd slept with their wolves so much longer than I had slept with mine. Somehow, we all ended up passed out in the master bedroom, curled together for body heat.