Nevaeh and I walk back to our seats with Ice cream in our hands. I smile as I see her happily licking the edges of her melted cone. It was rare to see her actually being a kid. In the short amount of time I have known her I can tell she hasn't had the ability to just relax and enjoy life. We just got through playing on the swings and I promised her an ice cream before it was time to leave.
"Did you enjoy yourself today?" It was getting closer and closer to the end of our meeting. I hated what had to come next because I knew she wouldn't handle it well. I hated when Grace would leave my side at first even if it was to the next room. It all goes back to our abandonment issues.
"Yes! An now when we go home we can cuddle and watch TV and..." I lightly grab her hands before she can continue. Sighing I turn towards her and try my best to tell her calmly that she wouldn't be coming home with me tonight.
"Nevaeh... Remember what I told you? You can't come home with me until we can talk to your mommy and make sure you have no other family. I am sorry sweetie but you have to go back with the Garners until then." With rage like I have never seen before Nevaeh throws her Ice cream on the grown and begins to have a tantrum. I close my eyes and try to convince myself that this is what's best for her. Even though I know coming home with me would better. Spotting Eric and Connie coming our way I quickly pick Nevaeh up and set her on my lap. Her thrashing becomes more violent and I have to hold her arms and legs down.
"Angel you need to relax right now. I told you I would never abandon you and I meant it. Stop this right now. You have to go home with the Garners but I will be back next Saturday to take you out again. I'll even have a surprise for you. But if you don't calm down this second we're going to have to sit quietly in time out for five minute so you can relax." I think back to my mother and father and how they would handle my tantrums. My mother would hold my arms and try to get me to calm down if that didn't work she would sit me in "time-out" but really it was just five minutes to get myself to relax. I look to see Nevaeh crying but no longer thrashing about. That's it baby girl just breathe.
"See angel all you have to do is breathe and relax. I'm coming back to see you and we will have a lot of fun together you'll see okay?" I loosen my grip as she turns around to hug me. I gently rub her back and allow her to cry it out. It'll be okay angel you'll see. I notice Connie is in front of me with a strange look on her face. This woman and her husband were seriously pissing me off.
"Nevaeh are you ready honey? We need to get going now." Nevaeh shakes her head and I see the Garners are slowly wearing thin with my child. Seriously? Why become foster parents if you don't even know how to handle a child who needs extra patience and attention. Trying my hardest not to roll my eyes I look down at Nevaeh.
"Nevaeh you need to leave now. I will back for you again soon okay? We're going to have lots of fun. Saturday is 7 days away from now not that long right?" She looks at me and I gently move her hair out of her eyes. She's so precious. Nodding her head she lets me go and turns to look at her foster parents. I see Connie go for her hand and Nevaeh whimpers as she backs away. Connie looks to me then back to Nevaeh but eventually just settles for walking back to the car side by side.
"Christian I don't understand why Nevaeh is okay with you touching her but not us. This would make our job a whole lot easier." Eric says to me in an exasperated tone.
"Excuse me Mr. Garner but if you're looking for an easy job maybe you should reconsider your position as a foster parent. There is nothing easy about being a parent let alone a parent to a child who has suffered a great deal in their early life. I must really be going now. I'll be by on Saturday at 9 am to have Nevaeh till 12pm. don't worry I'll have my lawyer call you about the time frame." I get up and walk away. I would be getting more time and that was non-negotiable. Nevaeh needed it and so did I.
Walking towards Taylor I get in the car as he starts the engine. Clearing his throat I see him staring at me from the rear view mirror.
"Sir? If I make speak freely?" I nod my head too exhausted to talk.
"For what it's worth Sir. I think you'd be an amazing dad." Dad... huh I mean yea I knew I wanted to adopt Nevaeh but I never realized I would actually be somebody's dad. Smiling I can't help but think it sounds perfect.
"Thanks Jason... That means a lot." I use his first name so he knows this is more than just a professional level. Taylor is the best damn security I've ever had but he's also an amazing friend. I sit back as I think about the case and how long this could potentially take. I knew I wasn't supposed to get involved but I needed too. I couldn't stand here and watch Nevaeh suffer any longer than she had too. Pulling out my phone I look for Deborah's records and head towards her apartment. Taylor wasn't too happy about that but I didn't care I needed to do this.
Pulling up to the dumps of Seattle I get to see for the first time just how bad Nevaeh had it living with her mother. Walking into the apartment building I head straight to apartment D and knock on the door. While waiting I look around and see roaches crawling in and out of every crack. This is all too real for me. Too raw for me. I begin to think about Ella. The rundown apartment we had in Detroit. The roaches and rats.
I'm pulled from my thoughts when the door opens. A frail woman answers. She's Nevaeh's twin. She has the dirty blond hair but brown eyes. She must get her baby blues from her daddy. Her facial features are a spitting image of my baby girl though and the thought makes me sad. This is her mother. She's alive. She's here in front of me and yet she doesn't even care where her daughter is. She wants nothing to do with the beautiful child she gave life.
I really take in her appearance and notice scars all over her arms neck and legs from shooting up. I think back to Nevaeh saying her mommy has "pointy things in her arms."
"Can I help you?! I don't have all day here." I'm snapped out of my thoughts by the sound of her raspy voice.
"Hello my name is Christian may I please come in to talk? It's concerning Nevaeh." At that statement she stands a little taller and looks around me. I roll my eyes as I realize she must think I'm a cop.
"Don't worry I'm not with the authorities." She stares at me then moves aside to let me inside.
I look around and notice there is nothing in here but a couch. The walls are dingy and the tiled floors have black scuff marks. There's roaches everywhere and liquor bottles all over the floor. I look toward the couch and notice a pile of junkie needles and cringe at the site. Ella had needles everywhere. I once stuck myself with one trying to hide from her pimp underneath her bed. My breathing becomes erratic and I feel myself becoming dizzy. Dear God this was like stepping back in time. Shaking my head I take a deep breath and turn to stare at Deborah.
"I want to adopt your daughter. Seeing as though you're not fit to take care of her and you have already told authorities you want nothing to do with her I was hoping you could stop giving us the run around and relinquish your rights." She stares at me before laughing loudly. Was she high? Probably.
"Now tell me something sweet thing. What would a man like you want with my daughter? Hmm. You like them young?" She says as she walks over to me and traces my arm with her finger. I feel my whole body shiver and take a step back. The bile rises in my throat and it takes everything for me not to vomit. Running my fingers through my hair I take a deep breath.
"I do not find enjoyment in abusing a child Ms. Armand. I would appreciate it if you would refrain from that kind of talk. I want to give your child a chance in this world. A chance to live. A chance that will be taken away from her if you decide to keep her. Look around Ms. Armand nothing in this place will ever benefit Nevaeh. She will grow up thinking that this life style is okay. She will grow up thinking that it's okay for the bad man to sneak in her room at night and hurt her while mommy does nothing but watch. She will think it's okay that her own mother choses a drug over her! Is this the life you want for your daughter? I mean come on you may be fucked up but you can't be heartless. Look at that child and tell me she doesn't deserve a chance." I'm breathing heavy and pointing at the only picture of Nevaeh in the house. I'm surprised that she even has one up.
"How do you know my name? I thought you said you weren't with the feds? GET OUT! GET OUT NOW!" She screaming at the top of her lungs and it takes all my strength not to lash out at this woman.
"I'M NOT WITH THE FEDS! Dammit have you been listening to me at all? I want to ADOPT your daughter. Now will you or will you not give up your rights to her? Trust me Deborah I can have more than just the feds search this place making your life a living hell. I have the papers with me if you sign them I will walk out those doors and leave you to your shitty life filled with all the drugs you love so much. Just sign the fucking papers so Nevaeh can actually have a parent who loves her." She stares at me and for a moment I think she's going to tell me to fuck off. Tell me to leave and make this harder than it has to be. Instead she grabs the papers and signs them shoving them back in my face. I feel myself relax and look to her in shock.
"Take her. I never wanted her. Hell I can't even say that I love the damn thing. Just keep her out of my life." Her words are hateful and full of anger but I see the tears in her eyes. Deborah Armand is just another victim of her surroundings. Another woman who has fallen into the trap of sex and drugs just to find the love they lost along the way. A woman who craves love but doesn't feel she deserves it. Most importantly a mother who wants to love her child but it's too late because the devil already has its claws in her. My heart breaks for her and Ella. Maybe if someone had been there for them like Grace was for me and how I will be for Nevaeh... maybe they could have made it out of this hell.