Dear Taishi Ci,
Who are you again?
Sima Yi
Taishi Ci,
I'm sorry. I have no time to deal with some random soldier as I am stuck in the wall.
Sima Yi
Taishi Ci,
Zhao sent Wu those paintings?!
Sima Yi
Bao Sanniang,
That sounds easy, but I'm STUCK IN THE WALL, so I can't summon your cat. (Wait, they are pretty easy to grab off the streets though, why not do that?)
Sima Yi
Bao Sanniang,
Zhao sent Shu those paintings too?! He is so getting the belt after this...
Sima Yi
Dear Zhuge Dan,
Again, I don't know how are these squeaky toys all over your room. Probably a prank.
Sima Yi
Guan Suo,
Why are you complaining to me about your cat problem?! Go to Zhuge Liang or Jiang Wei!
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
Ah-he. Hehehe. I wish I could help you, but I don't know... since... you know... STUCK ME IN THIS WALL IN THE FIRST PLACE, can't you go get the comb yourself? I don't know what is Pang De, Cao Ren, and Xu Huang taking so long to remove one wall.
Sima Yi
Dear Pang De,
I saw you! You and Xu Huang were catcalling to the women that passed by the work site! Get back to work! Cao Ren can't do all of the work himself!
Sima Yi
Zhuge Liang,
Haha. Laugh it off. You seen the painting of me stuck into a wall. But remember this: You tried to run through an invisible wall even though it was still not letting you go. You were doing that for thirty minutes. I would have given up by then, you know.
Sima Yi
Zhuge Liang,
That's funny. Is Zhong Hui passing false rumors again? Even Liu Bei wouldn't fall for that. My wife cheating on me with Zhang He... That's sort of unlikely since Zhang He is already eyeing Zhen Ji. He just sees Chunhua as a patient.
Sima Yi
P.S: Did you know Zhang He is a certified psychopath therapy doctor? He has Jia Chong as one of his patients as well.
Zhuge Liang,
Well, if that happens, I wouldn't blame her. Cao Pi is around her age, but he's a sleezeball, so that won't be happening anytime soon. Guo Jia's too old, but he is VERY convincing to almost any women, so I'll watch out. The only "affair" she had was with Zhen Ji. I didn't consider it an affair since it was two women.
Sima Yi
Zhuge Liang,
Why do you want to get the details from me? Ask Chunhua or Zhen Ji.
Sima Yi
Zhuge Liang,
I'm done.
Sima Yi
Zhuge Liang,
My brother doesn't like her... I think...
Sima Yi
Zhuge Liang,
Fu's too busy crying into a pillow to pursue her, so I doubt it.
Sima Yi
*Fu refers to Sima Fu, Sima Yi's younger brother*
Zhuge Liang,
Okay... maybe Fu may have something against me about me being the better adviser and more famous brother, but I doubt he could. He's like the exact opposite of me, and Chunhua doesn't exactly like nice guys.
Sima Yi
Dear Fu,
Finally out of that room? I'm just wondering if you have certain feelings for any specific woman? Just asking.
Your brother
Fu,
Ohhhhh. Her? Wow, I didn't know you had such taste in women? Wang Yi? Huh, you know what? Go for it.
(It'll keep her off of me for a while, but Guo Jia's going to be pissed...)
Sima Yi
Fu,
Huu... even Zhao sent you those paintings...?
Sima Yi
Dear Guo Jia,
Oh, you just tried to ask out Wang Yi (again for the thirty-second time) and it turns out she she already has been asked out? (Huh, I didn't know Fu had his way with women...) I am so sorry. Well, there's always Cai Wenji.
Sima Yi
Dear Chunhua,
I can tell you're drinking while I'm stuck in this wall. I can hear the chugging and glass breaking. Something wrong? Come talk to me. Just follow my voice or else you might be facing the area of the wall where my behind is.
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
That's where my foot is. Move over to the left.
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
No, that's my arm. Go a little to the right.
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
...Uh... uh... That's my... er... thing... you're facing and talking to... Please move up!
Sima Yi
Cao Cao,
I *soooo* really wish to make you a sandwich, but I don't know, my body is in a weird position in this wall and I can't make food in here unless you like a drywall sandwich.
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
Wait, since you were the one who jammed me into here, can't you pull me out?
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
I sat/laid in there listening to you, and you can't pull me out? Come on! You owe me!
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
Okay, all you did was got half of my body out of the hole. Pull harder!
Sima Yi
*He doesn't bother addressing it from now*
Hard enough to tear me apart!
AAAAAAH! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU TOOK IT LITERALLY! GET MY LEGS AND PUT ME BACK TOGETHER!
Okay, I slide off of my legs like some dead octopus. Hey, I can still move my legs.
Pick me up and put me on my legs again and hold me there as I walk.
I know it looks like the gender-reversed version of that Titanic scene, but I'll slide off my legs if you don't hold me.
Dear Xun Yu,
I am in two halves. Fix me with your mage magic.
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
No, I'm serious. My wife pulled me apart.
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
No, it was not a sex injury! Get your mind out of the gutter!
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
Huh? This happened before? To who?
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
Ooooohhhh... That's understandable... Just fix me.
Sima Yi
XUN YU,
YOU FUCKING GAVE ME A UTERUS! GET. RID. OF. IT!
I am going to kill your skinny copy-catting ass if you don't get rid of this female organ out of me!
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
You feel empty...? DAMN IT, XUN YU!
Sima Yi
XUN YU,
REVERSE THIS! YOU GAVE ME ONE OF CHUNHUA'S ORGANS!
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
Thank you! For the love of Nuwa, I was going to be both sexes for a moment thanks to you! Your magic need some work if these mistakes keep happening.
Sima Yi
P.S: WHERE. IS. MY. DICK?
XUN YU,
PUT. THAT. BACK. ONTO. ME. YOU. BASTARD.
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
Okay, no more parts that are not supposed to be on me and parts that are supposed to be on me are fine. YOU NEED HELP WITH YOUR MAGIC. SERIOUSLY, YOU DO.
Sima Yi
P.S: I double-checked and I have every part I'm supposed to have.
Guan Yinping,
A tiger? Those things are very easy to find in the wild, I'm sure you can catch one or buy one from your Namman allies.
Sima Yi
Xun Yu,
Oh, you got those paintings? Haha, go laugh it off with your stone face.
Sima Yi
Dear Zhao,
Meet me at my office.
Sima Yi
Dear Chunhua,
Do you have a belt?
Sima Yi
Chunhua,
...Ugh... A whip...? I'm trying to discipline our son, not run a kink show. Let me see what else I have.
Sima Yi
Zhao,
I hope me beating you with my father's old cane would teach you a lesson. And.. uh.. yes, my father beat me with this when I was your age...
Sima Yi
Dear Cao Cao,
Here's your fucking sandwich. Oh, you want to hear how my day went? No, fuck you.
Sima Yi
Cao cao,
Huuuuu... Yes, yes... the paintings of me getting stuck in the wall...