Chapter ten

As she waited for Phil to return with their drinks Melinda took a moment to look around. He'd come to pick her up and brought her to the park. It was a nice day and she knew that it was time for her and Phil to talk. He was nervous. She could tell by his tense shoulders and the way he kept fidgeting either with his hands, the car keys or something else he held in his hands. Despite the pain of her injury she'd had a fairly good nights sleep. She spotted a bench nearby the one of the many ponds in the park and watched a few kids run around chasing each other. Somewhat lost in thought she suddenly saw a cup appear in front of her face. Looking up she saw Phil's small smirk, obviously he was pleased with himself for catching her off guard. She rolled her eyes at him. "Thank you."

Handing her, her cup of tea, Phil sat down next to her. He didn't quite know how to start. There was so much he needed to say, so much he needed her to understand, but most of all he needed her to be happy. That was what made it all so much more complicated. If she was truly happy here, all that he wanted to tell her would become irrelevant.

She saw he was caught up in whatever was going on his mind. By now he'd started to bounce his knee too. She put her hand on it and he immediately quieted down. "How's the team?" She asked when she felt his eyes on her. Even though she had been keeping track of them ever since she left, she'd realized yesterday, after Phil had left, she should have asked about the team sooner. Now it appeared as if she didn't care when that really wasn't the case.. His sudden appearance in her life had kept her focus on them and not on the others.

He was happy with her question. Glad that she showed interest in the team and glad that she made it easier for him to talk to her.

"Good." He smiled. "Though Jemma and Fitz seem to be struggling but I don't know what happened between them. They're still working together but not as fluidly anymore. Skye's been having a hard time with Ward disappearing. Trip joined and that seems to help her but she's searching for something more to hold on to. Some form of guidance I think and I try, but I don't think I'm enough. Bobbi joined the team. I needed more hands after you left."

"I'm glad you have her. She's a good addition. Ask her to guide Skye."

"I did, but it's not working. I talked to her yesterday to check up. She sounded restless. She keeps asking me about you. If I've talked to you and when you'll return."

"What do you tell her?"

"That I don't know if you'll return." He took a deep breath before he turned his body towards her. "How about you? Seems like you've really settled in. I know Tony and Pepper are thrilled to have you. Tony keeps telling me I can't have you back."

Melinda decided to ignore that rather loaded statement. "It's been quite a surprise actually. I really like it here. It's been more challenging than I'd expected mostly because Pepper is giving me the freedom to do whatever seems fit. Tony has been a surprise. His ideas aren't as crazy as I'd expected. And of course working with Maria again feels like the old days."

"You've found a new family here." He'd watched her closely while she talked about her new job here and her enthusiasm was obvious. That stung because part of him had still hoped she hadn't quite settled in though there had been more than enough evidence to the contrary.

"I guess I did." She noticed she still had her hand on his knee and quickly pulled it back. "What is it that you want Phil?" It wasn't her intent to sound hostile, she really wanted to know what he wanted and what that would in turn mean for her.

"I want you to be happy." He answered quickly. That wasn't a difficult question to answer.

She slightly shook her head. She wasn't surprised by his answer. She knew he would always want what was best for her. "And what about your happiness?"

He shrugged. His happiness was tied with her and she knew that. "Not as important as yours."

"Not to me, and you know that."

"Hasn't that always been one of our problems though and isn't that why we're here?" He thought out loud.

"True. However, if we're ever going to move past this and move forward, then we're going to have to actually talk. So, talk."

She was right of course, it just kind of caught him off guard that she was the one initiating it. Then again it wasn't a surprise that she'd put the ball in his court. Where to even began? "I'm sorry for the way I treated you and what I said." It seemed like the right way to begin.

Melinda shook her head. Sorry wasn't going to cut it. She needed more from him. "You've already said that. That's not good enough and you know it." She realized, if they were really going to talk about it all, as she suggested, this couldn't be a one way street. She needed to share her thoughts and feelings too. It wasn't something she enjoyed doing. It left her too vulnerable. "What I still don't understand is why you were so willing to throw it all away."

"I was hurt and confused."

"You weren't the only one."

"I know. I went about it the wrong way. Everything was so jumbled. I was still dealing with Tahiti and then I get confronted by a betrayal from the one person I trusted with my life."

"How could you dismiss me so easily?" To her it was one of the questions she really needed an answer to.

"I didn't."

"Phil."

"Really, I didn't. I know it didn't seem like it, but I really didn't. I kept saying to myself there had to be more to it, that my best friend hadn't deceived me. But there was no way around it anymore. At least I couldn't see it."

"You didn't want to see it. Your mind was set and never once were you prepared to give me the benefit of the doubt. I ask again, why dismiss me so easily?"

Phil was getting frustrated. He wondered if any answer he was going to give, was ever going to be enough for her? Standing up, he paced up and down for a moment, giving himself a moment to collect his thoughts. "I was scared Melinda." He finally admitted. "Everything I knew was thrown upside down and I expected you to be my solid ground like you've always been. It what we've always done, we turn towards each other when either one of us feels like he's getting lost. I was lost. I needed to run things but I was missing my true north because it looked like she might have never existed."

She wanted to say something, wanted to interrupt him. He stopped her with a look. "Let me finish, okay?" He needed to get it all out. "When you told me you cared, it didn't really get through to me. I needed to focus on dealing with the problem and tried to push my fear aside. I didn't register your words. The fear made me lash out in anger and I ignored you, your words and your feelings and I regret ever uttering those words."

A silence fell between them. Phil, still standing but no longer pacing, turned to look at Melinda. He hadn't seen how she'd reacted to his words. He still couldn't. Her hair had fallen across her face, shielding her from him. It seemed appropriate, that shield, between them.

Finally she had an explanation for those hurtful words. She knew when confronted with fear, Phil didn't always react rationally. His impulses seemed to get the best of him and usually it was up to her to calm him down, just like he did her. It just had never happened with them lashing out at each other. Not like this at least. She still wondered if the words spoken held any truth.

"You told me there was nothing personal between us anymore. How could you not see that it was always personal?" She looked at him and she wondered if her eyes held the same hurt and confusion that she saw in his blue ones.

Phil sighed. He saw the hurt in her eyes, heard it in her soft voice. This was what had truly hurt her. "There was a lot I didn't see, Melinda." Between them it was, and would always be, personal. "I was blinded by it all. I got so close to losing it all and that included you, my best friend. It has never been not personal to me. The reason we got into this is because it's personal. It will always be personal between us."

"I thought what we had was stronger than this. What does it mean that it isn't?" Tired of sitting down, Melinda stood up. She waited for Phil to join her which he did.

"That we're human?" He wasn't sure what to say. He silently followed her.

She didn't react to his words. "You've often asked me to trust you and I always did. I never questioned you. You did, you decided you couldn't trust me anymore. Me keeping an eye on you was never about not trusting you. It was always about keeping you safe. How could you not see that? Why didn't you ever consider that?" Though it was a question, she didn't want an answer from him. She still had something to say. "You were my best friend, Phil. I expected more, I deserved more."

Though she'd said a lot and there was a lot that needed his response, those last words hit him hardest. Had it really come this far that they were no longer friend. "Were?" He asked.

"The problem is that you had no faith in me at all. After all we've been through you pushed me aside. You had no trust in me at all and I'm beginning to think you never did. So it raises the question, were we ever friends?"

"Of course." Phil exclaimed. "How can you doubt that?"

"I just told you why. Look Phil, maybe this is enough."

"No, this can never be enough. You can't just leave it at this, not now when we've just started talking again. You need to give me a chance Melinda. I can't..." He rambled. He wasn't in full panic mode yet, but the determination in her voice, scared him.

She put her hand on his arm to stop his rambling. "Enough for today. I'm not ending our conversation. I'm putting it on hold. We've both said a lot and we both need to think if and how we can move forward. Okay?"

He removed her hand from his arm to hold it in his hand. He squeezed it gently and caressed her hand with his thumb. "Okay. Just don't..."

"I won't. I promise." She squeezed his hand gently before letting go and leaving him alone in the park.

TBC...