Hello lovelies! I usually have a lot of trouble writing two chapters in one day, cause it drains me, this whole writing she-bang...
But I couldn't stop today! I wrote a whole lot, I tell you. Mainly because of the complaints that the chapters are too short...
and then some slight business with The Rolling Stones and peach flavoured tea... which isn't as good as cherry tea, but still good.
Alrighty, enjoy!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Edward Cullen, September 29th, 2007. 2:46 PM.
"Edward, calm down. Are you meaning to tell me that when Bella plays her guitar, your gift…vanishes?" I'd reached Carlisle's office and spoke a mile a minute, trying to explain to him what I'd just found out.
It sounded ridiculous, but I had to nod my head frantically.
"Either that, or when she's so determined about something, so immersed."
"…Yes I think we both agree the last one seems more…plausible. I've seen her play guitar, it's as if the world around her no longer exists… Perhaps that level of concentration is what is required for her to unlock her gift upon others…" He went on pondering, and I took the time to calm down, and take a seat on the sofa.
It was quite a powerful gift, I had to admit. I wondered though, as she wasn't so immune to Alice or to Jasper, if she could also shut down Alice's visions or Jasper's empathy upon setting her mind to it…
A knock sounded from the door, and Bella poked her head into the room.
"Ah, Bella. Come in! Have a seat." Carlisle gestured at her to sit next to me, and she did so, looking rather uncomfortable. Oh, how I wished she'd forgive me.
"Sorry, I'm slightly confused as to what just happened… I was playing guitar, you see, and Edward appeared out of nowhere talking about thoughts…?"
Carlisle smiled at her and continued, "Yes, well, you know that you are immune to Edward's ability…" he paused, and she nodded, "but apparently, Edward here has discovered that when you are so intensely concentrated on something, in this case playing your guitar, his ability disappears entirely, and he's unable to hear any thoughts except for, hopefully, his own." He chuckled.
Bella still looked confused, but also slightly relieved. "Oh, I thought it was something bad."
Carlisle laughed at this, "No of course not, Bella, this is marvelous! Of course, we'll have to discover the trick to using it, and you'll learn to control it, naturally, but it's very promising."
"Ah, right. That's good, then. I suppose." I looked at her and she seemed so horribly awkward as she ignored me and spoke only to Carlisle.
"I can help you, Bella. With your gift, I mean. Because mine is so easy to distinguish, less subtle than Jasper's or Alice's…" I started, but ended when I saw the slight horror prominent on her features.
"Yes, I do think that'd be a good idea." Carlisle eyed Bella hopefully.
What I saw on her face was very confusing, very hard to differentiate. I'd seen it on many occasions this past week, and every time I saw it, it was so terribly vexing! She seemed so torn between two things, and one I could recognize as anger and pain. The other was more difficult to comprehend, but I could make sense out of it that she had no desire to be around me more than necessary. Of course she still blamed me.
"Uh, well, we'll see…" Bella looked slightly nervous as we both stared at her.
"Or, well, you could work on it when we go to Denali…"
Bella looked up at this, "Denali?"
"Yes, it's a place in Alaska, where friends of ours live. They, too, are 'vegetarians,' and Edward here thought perhaps it would be good for you if we visited them. Fewer humans, plentiful wildlife… It would be great, Bella. And of course there are a few there with extra abilities as well, I'm sure you can figure it all out with them…We'll leave when we think you're ready for the journey."
I was reminded at this that I'd be courting Tanya not very long from now. I hadn't thought of her much… It simply seemed so convenient that perhaps being with her could erase the longing of mine to love… But I felt somehow, deep down, that it would be more difficult than that. I doubted it would be a true love, but I would try. For my family.
Bella seemed to sigh in relief when Carlisle'd finished speaking, and that hurt. She didn't want to spend time with me. Of course she didn't. She still blamed me. But then I saw the pain in her eyes.
"I don't want to leave…" She whispered, eyebrows furrowed in anguish. I'd done this to her.
Carlisle looked at her with pity, "Yes, Bella, I understand it will be quite…difficult. But you must understand, it will be easier. I promise."
She stood up then, and headed towards the door, "Fine. We'll go. I'll never see any of them ever again anyways." That last comment bit at me more than ever.
"She still blames me."
Yes, it's quite horrible to watch, I must admit… But you're trying so hard to appease to her, Edward. I'm proud of you.
I snorted, "And still she hates me intensely."
"It will change, Edward. It must."
"I wish it would," I said, leaning over and burying my head in my hands.
"Do you still intend on speaking with Tanya upon arrival in Denali?" Carlisle asked, cautiously.
I still don't understand why you feel so compelled to, so obviously against your will, Edward.
"Yes, of course. I have made it uncomfortable for you for quite long enough, and now I've committed the ultimate act, the epitome of how dreadful I really am. This will alleviate the burden I always represent to you. She will take me, I know it."
"Edward, you are much more naïve than I thought if you truly think that you are a burden, and that this will 'alleviate' you as a 'burden,' as you so deftly put it."
"What choice do I have, Carlisle?"
"You have plenty of choices, son. Don't ruin your chances. You will encounter true love once, and it will not be in the form of Tanya."
I knew he was right. For a second, I imagined what life would be like…if I were with Bella. My heart lifted at the thought of me and her, writing music together, running together, reading together, spending hours on end talking and listening to old music…
She could block out all thoughts for me and we could spend days being alone together, no other minds invading my long-sought privacy…
No. I couldn't allow myself to think like that. She hated me, blamed me, abhorred me. She would never forgive me, and if she ever did, she would most certainly not want to be with me… like that.
I would have to settle for Tanya, after all. After everything I'd done, it was all I deserved.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Bella Cullen, September 29th, 3:02 PM.
I'd bumped into Alice, Jasper, and Esme in the hallway as I wandered aimlessly through the house. They were heading downstairs to watch a movie, so I joined them.
Alice found her place balanced on Jasper's lap, and Esme and I occupied the couch. American Beauty was put in, and I tried to watch it; I loved this movie. But I was so troubled… Edward wanted us to go to Denali for me… he was looking out for me… What did that mean?
I shook myself mentally; I couldn't act like this, I couldn't sit and hope that he cared for me… I still felt so completely confused about how I considered Edward.
I hated him so at times, and it hurt so terribly much, especially when I was reminded of what he'd done to me. But when he played piano, or when I'd look through his amazingly perfect collection of music when he was at school, when I heard Esme or Carlisle speak of him with such love and fondness… I truly couldn't help but wish I could know that side of him and ignore the part that had taken my life from me.
This wasn't so bad, after all. Hadn't I thought earlier that I could adjust to this, that these vampires who'd taken me were amongst the best people I'd ever known? It could've been worse, I'd expected much worse the first two or three days of this novel reality I now experienced.
As I thought so thoroughly of my feelings, my emotions, the past week, Jasper suddenly muttered, "What the...?"
I looked up at him, and saw how intensely confused he looked.
"What is it, honey?" Alice said.
"I can't…feel. I mean, of course I can feel, but I don't… Wait." He looked intensely troubled for a second, and then his expression cleared, "Bella, you're torn between two options and you're having trouble deciding, right?"
I nodded, not quite sure where this was going.
"And Alice… of course you love me. Huh. Odd. For a minute there I couldn't feel anything… It was so strange… seemingly...empty?"
Clarification shot up in me "Oh, did I forget to tell you? Carlisle and Edward think they've discovered my gift… Sometimes, sort of involuntarily at the moment, I can kind of block other people's abilities entirely. Like… you wouldn't be empathetic if I…used it."
All three of them stared at me, astonished and completely ignoring the movie by now.
"Are you serious…? Why haven't I seen this, dammit!" Alice was the first to say something.
"How'd you find out?" Jasper asked.
"I was playing guitar, and all of a sudden Edward couldn't hear anyone… They think it's when I'm extremely concentrated on something that it happens…"
"Darling, that's wonderful! Will Edward and Carlisle help you develop it?" Esme asked, brushing a strand out of my face in a rather motherly gesture.
Her question reminded me of what problem I'd been so deeply absorbed in before Jasper had come to his little revelation, and I decided I'd have to figure out where exactly I stood about Edward, and stick with it.
"Well, Carlisle wants Edward to help me, but I'm not sure…"
"Bella… We've talked about this. I mean, I know it hurts so much, and the pain is still very fresh, but you know what pain he feels in his throat… You haven't even smelt a human yet, which is like a thousand times amplified the craving you feel for animals!" Alice went on and one, giving me reasons to forgive him, and admittedly, they sounded rather reasonable.
"Bella, dear, Edward is truly a decent fellow… I'd be so proud of you if you managed to forgive him… But I understand it will take some time…" Esme said gently.
"I know you want to, Bella. I can feel it." Jasper contributed.
"I still don't know… I need to figure some things out, first."
With that, they let the subject drop, and we averted our eyes back to the TV screen. This time, I refused to let my mind float around in waves of conflict I was presented with, more for Jasper's sake than my own… He seemed so uncomfortable, not knowing what everyone felt.
So I paid careful attention to the movie, and when it was over, I decided to go hunting. Emmett and Rosalie had just returned from some car show, something I still failed to understand, and they were rather thirsty, so they joined me.
Emmett was usually my favorite to go hunting with, because he wasn't so emotionally attuned as the others were, and the obvious competition behind hunting with him was a welcome distraction. Rosalie was relatively the same as Emmett at times like this, so I didn't mind.
I let my worries disappear from me for a while as I set to following a set of grizzlies along with the other two, and felt the familiar exhilarating rush behind running, closing in on the prey.
A few hours later, we all took a break, feeling extremely well fed. I still chuckled at the harsh contrast between the concept of "food" before and after my change.
Around 3 in the morning, we eased our way out of the forest, going rather slowly for a set of vampires, talking about whatever felt convenient. Rosalie and Emmett were always so easy to be with, because they never presented me with any problems I might have to worry about sometime sooner or later. They always talked about the optimistic side of things, and they were so awfully cute together.
I felt better after the hunt, and when we arrived home, Alice and Jasper, Carlisle and Esme, and Edward, were sitting in the living room, chatting animatedly.
Alice jumped up when we arrived, and made her announcement, "There's one hell of a storm brewing up south of here!"
Emmett let out a whoop of joy, before exclaiming "It's on, Jasper! ITS ON!"
I was mildly confused at this point, but Rosalie quietly explained to me while rolling her eyes at her husband's blatant display of 'manhood.'
"We play baseball when there's a storm coming up…you'll see why. Do you play?"
The idea of me playing baseball was slightly disturbing, but I knew the rules: Renee'd married Phil, after all. I tried my hardest to usher memories of them out of my mind as I tried to sound enthusiastic, but then I remember that I was no longer clumsy klutzy Bella, and with my newborn strength and speed, I might actually be good at this.
Carlisle interrupted the excitement, "Before we go, though, I'm slightly worried that there might be too many humans on the way over there…Alice?"
Her face scrunched up in concentration for a second, and then she sighed. "I don't know, I can't see anything… But I think it'll be okay. I still see Bella with golden eyes!"
"Bella, I think your gift is going insane, there've been times when you were gone where I couldn't feel anything and Edward couldn't hear anything…" Jasper frowned.
I looked at them sheepishly, "Hehe, sorry Jasper. I'll try to control it, I promise."
"Do you think it's safe?" Carlisle muttered to Esme.
She nodded, "It'll be fine. No one's out around these hours, anyways. And the journey isn't so short… We can only go for a few hours, though. My children have to go to school!"
The younger Cullens groaned at the thought of returning to the eternally boring high school, but the general level of excitement at the prospect of baseball hadn't reduced. I was glad I didn't have to go with them, back to high school. I shuddered as I remember how many times I'd tripped on the stairs, creating a domino effect down the entire staircase. Needless to say, it wasn't very pretty.
In a matter of minutes, we'd all loaded up into Emmett's monster jeep, and we headed off to some field not far from here, to play baseball, apparently.
The ride was fine, and no humans were in the near vicinity, but Edward, Jasper, and Emmett remained with me in case…something went wrong.
I felt intensely guilty for putting them under so much trouble, but I sincerely hoped nothing bad happened; I wouldn't want to cause death. Anywhere. It would ruin me. So I was grateful that they were watching over me, I felt safe.
We were soon at the field where we'd be playing, and I felt my jaw drop to the ground as I took in the amazing girth of the place; it was a simply HUGE clearing in the forest! How did they find it? But then, they could've just as easily ripped out the trees that stood in their way…
Esme dashed around the place, marking the bases, and I couldn't believe how impossibly far apart they were.
Everyone had taken to chucking the ball around at each other, and it amazed me how far and fast it flew. When Rosalie threw it at me, I couldn't believe I actually caught it. I decided I'd test out my strength as I flung the ball, as hard as I could, to Edward. His eyes widened in shock and off he went, chasing the ball. He caught it just before possibly hitting a tree, and raced back, a triumphant look on his face. He then flicked the ball towards Alice, who caught it gracefully.
Then, a loud rumble of thunder erupted off in the distance, and a breeze blew my hair in to my face. That was when I stiffened, went absolutely rigid, and smelled something that drove me absolutely insane. It was like… it was like grizzly blood, or moose, but a thousand times more potent and more delicious. I could barely register the others speeding towards me as I disappeared, off through the trees, absolutely ravenous for this delicious scent that seemingly begged for me.
It was amazing. I wanted it.
Then, the next thing I knew, three figures tackled me to the ground simultaneously, and held me there. We struggled as I tried to fight them off, still voracious for this ravishing scent that I'd never experienced before, but somehow, they managed to keep me pinned to the ground.
"NO!" I roared, vicious and angry.
Then I saw Edward's eyes, black as night, stare into mine as he held me down, along with Emmett and Jasper. I shuddered; it reminded me so of that night not too long ago, when his eyes were such a similar black. That image shook me back to reality, and I broke out into tearless sobs. The scent no longer permeated my brain as it had, and Edward cradled me in his arms as I saw Alice, Carlisle, and Esme arrive, faces all alive with anguish and…fear.
At that moment, I knew I had no choice but to forgive Edward. I'd never known what he'd felt, how intoxicating human blood actually was! I hadn't known! I felt so extremely astounded that they resisted that amazing fragrance day in, day out, constantly fighting against that urge to rip, to tear, to kill. How much restraint could one single person have?!
With this revelation came shame. I felt so ashamed, I'd almost ended a life, killed a human. If they hadn't tackled me, kept me pinned there, I would've done it. I would've murdered. I would've taken an innocent life.
"It's okay, it happens all the time, Bella…" Edward whispered in my ear. I felt so grateful for them to have saved me, and even Edwards's arms around me felt impossibly… right.
"I didn't know…" I whispered, my voice hushed with torment.
"Bella, it's perfectly fine. Nothing happened. You're safe…" Carlisle looked me in the eyes. His features were entirely caught up with worry.
"Can we go home…?" I asked.
There. I'd said it. I'd called it home. There was no turning back now. After what'd just happened, I felt I could no longer attempt to deny that this was me now, and that I was one of them. A vampire. And that I could never blame Edward after this.
"Of course, Bella. I'll take you right now." Edward stood up, still carrying me.
"No, it's best if we all go…" Carlisle said. Jasper and Emmett nodded.
Alice stood next to me, seemingly very frustrated, "I couldn't see…"
"It's okay, Alice. It wasn't your fault." I reached out towards her.
"Edward, can you put me down?"
"Oh, uhm, yes, of course." He awkwardly set me back down and turned immediately, off to the jeep. I followed with Alice and Jasper, and the others were behind us.
The ride back to the house was quiet, except for the occasional "It wasn't your fault," and the occasional tearless sob escaping my lips.
Edward patted my back, comforting me. I intended to speak with him when we got home, to let him know I forgave him, that I couldn't blame him any longer.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
You people have reduced me to begging: Please please please PLEASE review!! ...pwetty pwease?
Yaaaaay. Peace and love,
-Mint.