"I refuse to allow you to torture these poor mortals with your horribly, mortifyingly, wretched vocal skills. Now move aside scrub, and witness true musical skills." Kassadin snatched the mic swiftly from the purple-clad 'man's' mitts.
A single tear rolled down Malzahar's cheek in response. "Why can't we be fr-" Malzahar was stopped mid-lyric by a punch in the face from Kass that sent him spiraling to the ground, knocked out cold.
Kassadin uttered something very indecent as he side stepped Malzahar's unconscious body.
"Hello."
"NO SLEEP TILL…BROOKLYN! AC RUNNING HOTTER THAN A BOILING KETTLE. FOOT ON THE PEDAL NEVER EVER FALSE METAL! A JOB AIN'T A JOB ITS A DAMN GOOD TIME! MY MANAGER'S CRAZY HE ALWAYS SMOKES DUST! NO SLEEP TILL BROOKLYN! NO SLEEP TILL BROOKLstrong)No matter how hard I try, you keep pushing me aside and I can't break through there's no talking to you! Do you believe in life after love? Do you believe in life after love? What am I suppose to do, sit around and wait for you? Well I can't do that. I need time to move on and love to feel strong. DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER LOVE? WELL I KNOW I'LL GET THROUGH THIS. I DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE. DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER LOVE?" Malzahar finished off his song only to turn and see a rather peeved Kassadin looking through his soul with a bloodthirsty glare of hatred.
"You heard me Kassy. I don't need you anymore. I'm a strong independent woman. Just like my mom told me. And you are only weighing me down."
"Urghh…gah…BAHHH. YOU FREAKING IDIOT. YOU ARE NOT A WOMAN! AND I NEVER ASKED FOR YOU TO BE IN MY LIFE."
"THAT IS NO WAY TO TALK TO A LADY! IMA ABOUT TO HAVE A BF. Gregory. Hold my earrings."
Kassadin merely let out an exasperated sigh and produced a feather and rubber chicken out of thin air.
Malzahar's eyes went wide in horror under his cloak.
"N-n-no not the feather. NOT THE CHICKEN!"
Kassadin closed in on Malzahar who was now curled into a fetal position with purple 'tears' streaming out of his eyes.
"There is no mercy in this world for the vile, you overcomplicated eggplant."
Kassadin then lowered the feather of pain down to Malzahar's nose and tickled him with it.
"HAHAHAHAHA-STAPH-HAHAHAAHAH, MAKE IT STOP! KHA'ZIX SAVE ME! HAHAH IT BURNS HAHA HAHA Ha-OW OWO WOWO WOWO!" Malzahar laughed so hard he nearly peed himself. Okay…not just nearly…a little pee got out. I don't get paid enough to learn this info…and then have to say it.
A devious smile fueled by malicious glee grew on Kassadin's otherwise emotionless face. He slowly brought up the arm holding the rubber chicken. The suspense was rising. WAM! He slammed his arm down causing the rubber chicken to make a slapping sound as it collided with the profit's arm.
"WTF PLZ STAPH KASSY. :("
"NEVER!"
"PLZ"
"NOPE."
"PLZ."
"FINE."
"RLLY? ^-^"
"NO. MWAAHHAHHAHAAH :)"
All of a sudden Urgot appeared out of nowhere. Kassadin fan-girl screamed. He dropped his torture tools and scampered over to Urgot.
"OMG. URGOT. LOL XD IM LIKE SO HAPPY TO C U. I MEAN WHO WOULD EVEN KICK U OFF THIS SHOW URGY- CAN I CALL YOU URGY?- THANKS XD. SO ANYWAY WE SHOULD TOTALLY GO WREAK VENGEANCE ON THOSE OTHER CHAMPS. CASS AND DRAY-DRAY."
Urgot simply nodded his head in agreeance.
Kassadin shrieked in joy. He then looped his arm around Urgot's.
Meanwhile at the Campfire….
"Let's see…add a vial of lich-bane, ah-hah yes….then a drop of Randuin's Rose water..yes yes, very good youngling." Morgana stood looking at her book and then Pantheon and then her book and then Pantheon and so on.
Pantheon, however, stood before a boiling kettle of….water…no it was too murky...well it was something.
"Morgana look at what I did!" He held his pot of whatever it was up to Morgana's view. Her eyes lit up in pride and pure joy at her pupil's accomplishment in the art of baking (queue spongebob imagination rainbow.)
"Yes! Very well done young padowan! You are on your way to becoming a true Jedi cook master."
Meanwhile, in the corner, stood a sad little Teemo, stirring a pitiful little pot of whatever it was, repeatedly murmuring, "Notice me Senpai," while tears streamed down his face, matting his fur.
"Pantheon…do you hear something?"
"..no.." Pantheon replied knowing very well what it was but not wanting Teemo to steal his moment of glory...he already stole it all his kills.
ZAP! Out of nowhere Kassadin and Urgot appeared, sporting armor made of pots and pans, all the while holding giants ladels and ice cream scoopers as weapons.
"What is the meaning of this?!"
"Revenge is the meaning of this, Morgana," replied Kassadin as him and Urgot closed in on the two. "Stand behind me teacher!" Yelled Pantheon as he stepped in front of Morgana, Pizza roller at the ready.
Kassadin advanced only to be deflected by the mere flick of a wrist from the more skilled utensil wielder. Soon enough Urgot advanced as well.
Then clunk of wood on wood barely sounded through the dark forest as the two exchanged wit and blows, intent on defeating one another.
"Go Panty go!" Cheered Morgana as she and Kassadin engaged in a very intense slap fight.
All of a sudden Malzahar rode in on a giant Void crab.
"STOP!"
Everyone stopped and stared in shock and awe (heh see what I did there?) at Malz. Except for Pantheon.
The Rakkor kicked his opponent into a conveniently placed well. A small echo of the words, "Pantheon, I am your father," escaping the depths.
"HOW DARE YOU..YOU…YOU…THREE BREASTED MASTADON!" Screeched Kassadin in horror "YOU EGG EATING, SNAKE FU-"
All of a sudden, far far away blood streamed out of Riven's vagina and caked her tampon. But it wasn't a tampon. It was mashed potatoes. And it wasn't her blood, it was gravy. To add to all of that it wasn't ever her vagina, it was a ladel. What even was I fucking talking about if?