Not One For The Diary.
Memory Ten: Nightmares.
Disclaimer: River ain't mine, the Doctor ain't mine but I am borrowing them for a tiny bit.
Author's Notes: Okay, I'm sorry but this is where everything changes. Well no I'm just quoting River for the sake of it there but this part is going to be a bit angsty and I apologise because whenever I read D/R angst I cry like a baby. I've been putting it off for a while but this one keeps coming back to me when I'm deciding which part to write next. In my mind it follows sometime after the last part but that's not crucial to understanding it. (Also for anyone wondering I still haven't finished my essays! Haha) Enjoy…
"Bye Amy, bye Rory!" River called as she waved out of the TARDIS door at the retreating backs of her two friends. She sighed slightly as she shut the door and leant all her weight against it, kicking her heels off and allowing her tiredness to finally overtake her. It had been a long few days with non-stop running and all she really wanted to do was sleep. "Right, back to my cosy little cell with a view then. You flying or am I?" She grinned as she walked herself over to the console and began to input the co-ordinates for the place she called home.
"River…" The Doctor began as he walked up behind her and snatched up her hands before she could push the final button to send them on their way.
"Fine." She sighed as she turned around and pressed herself between him and the controls. "You do it but don't blame me when we end up about five miles north of where we should." She grinned cheekily.
"No, it's not that." He muttered, not looking directly into her eyes but instead staring at a spot somewhere above her left shoulder. She noticed how nervous he looked and she felt the feeling reflected in herself. This was either going to be something very good or very bad. "Could you urm… Would you mind possibly…"
"Spit it out sweetie." River teased him gently, laughter flickering in her eyes.
"Can you stay tonight?" He spluttered quickly. "Only if you wouldn't mind of course." He added as an afterthought.
"Of course sweetie." River purred as she placed her hand on his chest and closed the gap between them even more. Maybe it was later in his timeline than she'd given him credit for. "I'll get the handcuffs and meet you in the bedroom in ten minutes." She winked and enjoyed the look of panic that spread across his face briefly before she pushed herself up towards him and kissed him gently to reassure him she wouldn't eat him alive.
"Well actually…" He muttered, embarrassed. "Would you mind if we didn't? Not that I don't want to. Very much would like to. Maybe not the handcuffs but the other bit definitely…" He swallowed as he got momentarily distracted by her breasts showing slightly under her tight shirt. "But tonight could we just, y'know… be together?" He asked quietly looking younger and more afraid than she'd seen him in a long time.
"What's wrong Doctor?" She asked gently as she pulled his face to meet her own, her eyes searching out the secrets within his.
"It's nothing." He muttered trying to smile but not quite pulling it off completely.
"C'mon. Let's sit down." She grabbed his hand and pulled him after her, pulling them both gently onto the floor of the TARDIS. She sat close to him and placed her arms around him, pulling his head onto her chest as he curled around her and she stroked his face gently just reassuring him that she was there. The Doctor closed his eyes and River leaned her head on top of his. Neither of them slept but they stayed like that for the longest time just listening to the hum of the TARDIS and the sound of their own breathing.
"Can you tell me?" River asked eventually, breaking the spell that surrounded them.
"I've been having nightmares." He whispered gently. "Well, nightmare. Singular. Just the one every night." He closed his eyes tightly to try to force back the tears that welled up inside them. Ever since he'd started getting to know her, really know her, he'd been haunted by images of her death. Every night he was forced to relive the pain of what she'd done for him. What he'd let her do for him. And the knowledge that even though he'd been there it had been no good to her, that a stranger might as well have watched her die for all he'd done. If he couldn't stop it he wished he'd been able to be there, this him- the him that loved her, to tell her how much he'd miss her and how she was rapidly becoming everything to him.
"What about sweetie?" She muttered brining him back to reality.
"Ahhh… spoilers, River." He laughed bitterly as he stole her words. When she said them she promised excitement, love and passion. All he had to offer was pain and loneliness and death. Maybe he deserved this, deserved the pain he'd have to spend the rest of his life with her in, because he'd sent the woman who would be his entire world to death on her own.
"That bad, huh?" She smiled sadly.
"You have no idea." He whispered back.
"Is there anything I can do, anyway I can make it better?" She asked desperately, unable to take the pain in his voice any more.
"Oh River." He sat up suddenly, grabbing her face and looking deep into her eyes. "You wonderful woman. You have no idea how much you've done all ready. Too much. More than you should have done, more than you should have been allowed to do." She opened her mouth to reply but he kissed her deeply before she could. Kissed her without hesitation and without fear for the first time. He felt her sigh as she gave herself over to his kiss and he tried to put all the feelings he could not express and all the words he'd never be allowed to say into that one kiss. When he pulled away from her he rested his forehead gently against hers and sighed.
"I need to tell you something River." He muttered.
"You can't. Not yet sweetie, it's too early. You don't even know who I am yet." She said alarmed.
"I bloody do!" He snapped angrily. "You are the bravest, most self-sacrificing, loyal, caring and loving woman I've ever met."
"You forgot to mention my amazing breasts." River breathed with a small smile glinting on her lips.
"Oh yes, can't forget those." He grinned giving them an appreciative nod before shaking himself and returning to his previous train of thought. "But I've known all this since the day I've met you and I've just let myself be intimidated by you whispering that everything is going to change. I don't care any more River. Things have all ready changed and they've changed because I love you." River gaped at him- at a loss for words for the first time since he'd met her. "I know I haven't done this for a while but isn't this the point where you tell me you love me too?" He whispered.
"Oh shut up." She grinned as she pulled him in to kiss him. "Of course I love you." Her lips whispered against his as they kissed again. They clung to each other like sailors clung to their sinking ship. Neither was aware of starting to cry but before they knew it tears ran down both of their faces coating their lips in a salty sheen. He cried for the woman he didn't know that he'd all ready lost and she cried for the man she'd known for so long who was slipping away from her. As they burrowed their hands into each other's hair and cried together they knew that, tonight at least, they would never let each other go.
Remember all those lovely reviews you've all given me? If you could manage another one I'd be very grateful. And I promise I'll write a happier one next time!