Seeking His Hand
Chapter Ten
L,
I hope this finds you well, and safe. I have unexpectedly become accustomed to a letter of yours awaiting me after a meeting…if by some chance I caused you offence when last we parted, please accept my sincerest apologies. I endeavored to cheer you and in doing so, I see that I may have done the very opposite. It was not my place, I realize, to make such an advance toward you. I meant no indecency, nor rudeness. I only meant to give you the sort of gladness you give to me. And if there is some way that I may make amends for my behavior, do tell me with haste, so that I may rectify it.
How are you keeping? How is your grandfather? I trust that he remains in good health?
Is your case progressing satisfactorily? Any progress from my side of things remains well hidden from me, I am afraid. There has been nothing noteworthy. This may be attributable to the fact that I have not had any opportunity for travelling away from home lately, save for our last adventure together.
I am now pursuing another of the novels you lent me: The Red Country. I have only just begun it and have not progressed very far in the telling. The tale is much removed from Acts of Contrition in tone…this much I gleaned after only a few paragraphs. I have a suspicion that this tale will not end happily.
You have a variety of interests, it seems. You are quite adept in detective work, in dancing, in disguise….in Courting….and your novels suggest that even amongst what you read for pleasure, you require a diversity of topics for your attention to be held. Am I correct?
My mother and father tell me that I should have some afternoons free of planting and weeding (and most other tasks, as well) in the upcoming week. I am glad of the availability this presents, should you still wish to act on it.
Your Match,
Light
Light,
I am quite well, thank you, and in far better spirits at this moment. The arrival of your letters always accompanies a certain lightness of the heart in me, you see…so much so that now the sight of one neatly pressed envelope bearing your handwriting makes me instantaneously cheered.
That being said, for someone so clever, you are quite blind to certain things.
Allow me to enumerate them. Are husbands not often chastised for over-blunt speech? As your husband-to-be (husband in training?), I feel entitled to at least this much:
Firstly, I must correct your mistaken impression that there is some possibility that you have offended me. You have not.
You have given me cause to be many things, Light. You have made me pleased…intrigued… …confused, even, is something I shall admit to. You have made me feel like a man, in every sense of the word, and I pray that my saying so will not alarm you. You have made me discontented with my solitude, even. However, you have never given me reason to be offended. You are polite in the utmost, and unfailingly kind. So please remove the possibility from your mind.
Secondly, if ever you were to offend me, kissing me would not be the way to go about it, I promise you that. Most Suitors endeavor to find ways by which their Matches might be tempted or manipulated into such an activity. While I consider my morality to be worth preserving (and worth more to you, besides, than scandalous trickery), I cannot say that I am above the desire for such things.
No…. the absence of my correspondence is simply due to an overly ambitious working schedule. You remember our discussion of our respective faults? I feel that this is something else I ought to warn you of before the altar: I work quite diligently. Perhaps that is an understatement. I work with a kind of mania unseen outside of honeybee colonies or anthills. I seldom sleep, and I eat while I work. In fact, I can honestly say that outside of our Courtship, I spend my waking hours doing nothing but work. If I am between cases, I do take to reading, or practicing my marksmanship, or musical study…. apart from those things, I am a detective, and nothing more. It pains me to say, though, that my work during these past days has yielded me no solid return. I have been chasing what I thought was a promising lead, only to end up at loose ends and down a rabbit hole.
Grandfather is quite well, thank you. He sends his warm regards. He has also alerted me to something of which I was unaware. He tells me that it is traditional here for a couple in Courtship to attend one meeting together with the Suitor's family present and one with the Match's family present. And more than that, he says that you are welcome at our home for dinner at any time of your choosing.
The Red Country is quite removed from Acts of Contrition, yes. That is well-spotted. I cannot read it except during periods of melancholy – else my happier moods should be wiped away in one fell swoop.
Your Suitor,
L
P.S. – Thirdly, of course I still wish to act on your availability, Light, you ninny. Honestly, you are utterly charismatic and your lips are unfairly inviting, besides. Do cease your unnecessary fretting. I wonder if you might enjoy a visit to Mansfield Park?
L,
You have certainly put me in my place! I shall endeavor never again to bear witness to any sort of the doubts I expressed previously. It is difficult, though, to see in myself that which you profess to see in me. I have many, many flaws, and constantly strive to better myself. And I am not naïve enough to think of marriage as something seamless, easily made and maintained, requiring neither compromise nor conflict. And our own will be no different. Do keep this in mind when first we argue, else you shall be greatly disappointed in me, and in the life we build together.
I must again express to you your skill in persuasion, as well as your poetry. So many of your phrases imply to me that you have a great gift for communication. In fact, I feel confident in saying that you do. Your work as a detective is often the work of gathering operatives with the correct skill set to aid you in the case at hand, is it not? I think many assume detective work to be a lonely, solitary business. But in truth, you seem to constantly be in communication with members of a team. You become the orchestrator of an elaborate game with many players...perhaps the correct analogy would have you as the conductor of a grand ensemble. And I remember your saying that you have never lost, and I well believe it. You demonstrate your competence in many ways, not least in your letters to me.
In response to your contention that Suitors will often attempt to manipulate a Match into a kiss, I have only this: do you not know that, sometimes at least, Matches surely desire a kiss themselves? I would be unsurprised to learn that many of them simply allow a Suitor to believe himself or herself to be the architect of some elaborate manipulation, when in truth, the Match has engineered far more of the activity than they care to admit.
May I ask…now that you have had several days to reflect on our last meeting, what image does your mind brings forth when you recall it? What impression is cemented there behind your eyes? I feel the desire - no, the need - to know.
Your grandfather's offer is quite generous. Please convey my appreciation to him, and my assurances that I shall speak to Mother and Father about the most opportune time for such a meeting.
Your Match,
Light
P.S. – Mansfield Park sounds divine, L.
P.P.S. – I am not the only one with his share of charisma, or inviting features.
Light,
We are all of us flawed…myself no exception. The key, I think, is not in finding flawlessness, but in finding the one whose flaws you enjoy. Or, in barring that, in finding one whose flaws you can tolerate. Or some mix thereof. As to the necessity of conflict and compromise in a marriage, I quite agree…there is a pragmatic realism to you that I find quite interesting, given that it is juxtaposed with a such pure idealism. I maintain that you are a romantic at heart, but you often stress the importance of accepting the difficulties of reality, too. But I digress…as to your point, I shall not be disappointed in you when first we argue, so long as you afford me the same consideration, as I am sure you shall.
…your understanding of the work of detection is astounding for someone so untrained. I have tried to explain this to many of my operatives, only to be met with blank stares, or worse: instantaneous, scoffing disbelief.
Are you quite sure that you wish to engender in me the kind of hope that your words concerning Matches do? For if you are not, Light, do not tease me so. I fear that with a mind like yours, a face like yours, and a spirit like yours, I shan't survive being so near to a flame and not feeling that flame's smoldering warmth. In the interest of honesty, I must tell you that I did not expect to be quite so….covetous…of you when I first made my Offer to your father. And now….now I am surely guilty of that sin.
In answer to your question, the image cemented behind my eyes of our last meeting is undoubtedly the image of you leaning in close to me, pink lips parted as delicately as a rose, honey-brown eyes mischievous. And it is accompanied by the recollection of the softness of your mouth against my skin.
I have conveyed your message to Grandfather, and he looks forward to news of when the three of us shall dine. As do I. Not only shall I have your company, I shall have the opportunity to show you the manor's interior. As it is to be your home for the foreseeable future, I am glad of the chance to give you a bit of a tour. I hope that it shall meet with your approval.
Your Suitor,
L
P.S. – Shall we say this Thursday afternoon, then, for our next meeting? The foliage, I'm told, is quite beautiful in May.
L,
Propriety limits my response to your last letter, but I can safely say that you may rest assured of this flame's true warmth.
I shall see you this Thursday, Suitor mine.
Your Match,
Light
L steps out of the carriage wearing a grey coat and a blue scarf tucked neatly underneath it. His hair is being whipped this way and that by the wind, which blows fiercely. It bites at Light's cheeks and pulls tears from his eyes.
"Boy, who would have thought it would be this cold today? I should have brought gloves!" calls Matsuda from the coachman's seat. He laughs, presumably at himself.
Light has no gloves of his own to bring – they are fairly expensive, being that they are almost always made custom. He did at least think to put two shirts on this morning, along with his coat. He sees that L does not wear gloves either, and he cannot understand why.
L extends his hand to Light, giving him a tiny smile and saying, "Good afternoon, Light. I trust you still wish to go, despite this chill?"
Light nods, sliding his hand into L's grip. L's fingers are warm despite the wind. "I wouldn't miss it," he says.
This answer seems to meet with L's approval. "Nor I," he says, and he opens the carriage door for Light to step inside.
Light puts one foot on the step, but L moves toward him quickly, halting him. He leans in to murmur into Light's ear. "Ah, I should warn you that there is a bit of a…surprise….in the carriage."
Light pulls back a bit to look at L's face. He smiles uncertainly, eyebrows pulling together. "Indeed? A surprise that warrants your warning…should I be worried?"
L chuckles. "Oh, undoubtedly."
And Light instantly realizes just who he means.
He climbs into the carriage to find her there, sitting in the middle of one of the benches in a lavender dress.
"Hi, Mr. Yagami!" she exclaims, smiling widely. "We meet again. Ryuga said I could come along when I asked him. I hope that's okay!"
"Hello, Miss Amane," Light replies politely. He takes a seat on the opposite bench. Honestly, he feels much more comfortable with only L for company, but naturally he would never voice that. "Of course it's alright…the more the merrier."
Light has never once, in all his life, found this cliché to be true. But it seems the thing to say during times like these.
"Exactly," Miss Amane says happily.
L follows Light into the carriage as she speaks. He sits down next to Light, surely closer than he would have when first they met. The carriage takes off smoothly.
"Misa is on a mission for me in Autumn Pass," he says. "Isn't that right, Misa?"
"Right!" Miss Amane nods, sitting up straighter and putting on an expression of unbreakable determination. "I'm going to be tailing Kiyomi Takada. Ryuga says she's doing something suspicious, and I need to find out what. But I can't let her know I'm following her, so I have to be really careful."
Light wonders at the wisdom of entrusting Misa Amane with something as serious and dangerous and spying on a potential murderess. But he supposes that her loyalty to L is unquestionable…it radiates from her the same way that Matsuda's enthusiasm for life radiates from him.
"And that means doing what, Misa?" asks L.
"Being as inconspicuous as possible, of course," answers Miss Amane, as if the question is unbelievably silly.
"Miss Amane is the ideal candidate for this reconnaissance," L says to Light. "There are so few female agents to be had in the area, and a woman, particularly one close to Miss Takada's age, will be able to follow her into places that would be off limits for a man."
Light supposes that this is true…Autumn Pass is not known for any sort of gender equality. He can count on one hand the number of women that work outside of their homes for a living, and none of them are involved in anything relating to law enforcement.
"Don't worry, Ryuga, I've got this A-okay and under control!" Miss Amane smiles broadly, and nods her head with a single, confident bob.
"Yes, well, we shall see, Misa," says L, and she protests his doubt with an outraged, "Hey!"
L only smiles.
"You can't let him boss you around when you're married, Light," she says to Light. "Ryuga's got this alpha male thing that makes him think he always knows everything."
"That is because I do know everything," L says evenly.
Miss Amane rolls her eyes. "You just keep telling yourself that, Mr. Oh-So-Great-Detective."
Light watches their exchanges with bewilderment mixed with a kind of vague amusement. It is hard to imagine two more dissimilar people. Yet, somehow, he can see that their friendship is genuine.
"But that reminds me," Miss Amane says suddenly. She looks from Light to L and back and again, examining them as if she is expecting to uncover something they are trying to keep hidden. "Are you two going to kiss and stuff in front of me?"
"What?" Light asks, taken by extreme surprise and as incredulous as he has ever felt. This woman surely cannot be familiar with Courting customs, if she thinks there is any possibility of such a thing occurring.
It is L's turn to roll his eyes. "Don't be absurd."
"I wouldn't mind, you know," she says, blithely. "I feel like love should be celebrated! And it's such a pretty day, when you ignore the cold. The perfect time for lovers. I don't believe romance should be suppressed, you see."
"But I believe your opinion should be, Misa," L says bluntly.
"Hmph!" Misa huffs, mouth curving quickly into an obvious frown. "Lighten up, Ryuga!"
"In Autumn Pass, it isn't really…customary…for a Courting couple to engage physically," Light volunteers, hoping that this will calm Miss Amane's insistence on discussing he and L's activities, or lack thereof. He quickly finds that he is wrong.
"You mean you can't even kiss?" she asks disbelievingly. Her mouth hangs agape at this idea. "But how are you supposed to know if you even like the person you're Courting?"
L snickers at this. "There is such a thing as talking, Misa, which some couples engage in from time to time."
Misa waves one hand in the air, as if to brush away L's remarks. "Well, sure, but you have to see if there's a spark at least!"
Light has no idea what to say to this pronouncement. He already feels no doubt as to the presence of a 'spark,' at least on his end of things. And he thinks that Miss Amane is forgetting (or is unaware) that L and Light are technically already engaged. They were Matched before they were Courting, which means that whether a spark is there or not is, in some ways, irrelevant. Matches don't marry for love, or even for liking. L could think of him no more fondly than he thinks of his coat, and still the marriage would be on. Adding Courting to the mix does muddy that proposition a bit, of course, but nothing about Courting means that the Match is nullified.
By contrast, L listens to her words and seems actually to be rather thoughtful.
"You know, Light…" he begins carefully. "You do still owe me that liberty from our last meeting. And perhaps I can take advantage of the fact that you will be reluctant to reject me in front of my subordinate."
He follows this up with a cheeky, "Matches are supposed to encourage others to see their Suitors in as impressive a light as possible, are they not?"
"Hey!" Misa shouts, indignant. "I'm not your subordinate! See what I'm talking about, Light?"
…he can't possibly be serious, Light thinks, hardly able to listen to her words. He can't possibly mean to…for the first time….right here, in front of her….
It turns out that L does not mean to kiss Light. He reaches for Light's left hand with his right, and holds it in his grasp. L's hands are larger than Light's, and long-fingered (what Light's mother would call 'pianists' hands'), but with a tangible strength.
"Might this be acceptable to you?" L asks, lighthearted on the surface, but Light detects an underlying seriousness to his voice.
It isn't against the rules…not technically, anyway. And there is a certain…warmth…in sharing L's touch. The cuff of L's coat brushes his wrist, and Light finds that it is soft and woolen.
Light nods. "It's acceptable, L," he says, and laces their fingers together.
Miss Amane beams. "Now that wasn't so hard, was it?" she asks.
When they arrive at Mansfield Park, Miss Amane is the first one out of the carriage. She rockets out like a tiny, concentrated pellet of gunpowder and goes immediately to Matsuda, talking excitedly to him about how pretty the trees are and how green the grass. She leaves the carriage door ajar.
L lingers inside, and Light lingers with him. Their hands are still joined.
"I should tell you that I would prefer our meetings to remain just the two of us…insofar as they can be just the two of us whilst adhering to the Courtship rules," L says.
Light nods. "We are in agreement. Might I ask why Miss Amane asked to come along?"
L grins. "I do believe she desired the company of our chaperone."
"She said that?" Light asks, grinning back.
"Not in so many words, of course…but there were quite enough words for me to discern just where her interests lie. Misa is not subtle, you know."
"Well, neither is Matsuda. You know he still goes on about how cute she is and how her eyes are like no one else's and how she's completely outside his station?"
"Hmmm, I see…" L murmurs. "Perhaps a second Courtship shall be on the horizon soon."
Light laughs. "Perhaps it already is."
"Well, in that case, Mr. Matsuda should be on his guard. If something offends Misa in any way, large or small, everyone in the vicinity shall know of it. She is small and blonde but quite ruthless in her own way."
"I'm sure Matsuda can handle himself…he's braver than he looks, I think," says Light carelessly.
Suddenly, Miss Amane's face appears in carriage doorway. Her eyebrows draw together in exasperation. "Aren't you guys coming? We aren't spending the whole time in the carriage, you know!"
Matsuda stands behind her, rubbing the back of his neck and smiling sheepishly. "And I don't think I can really say I'm chaperoning if I let you stay in there, either."
The four of them make their way to the park entrance, L and Light walking side by side and Matsuda and Miss Amane behind them. As they go, Light tells himself that he does not miss the feeling of L's hand in his. It is most impractical, he insists in his mind, and it would mark them out to anyone nearby as a Courting or a married couple.
There is a tall wrought iron gate at the entry point, with bars that run up and down its length. A matching fence runs around the whole of the park, keeping out wolves and the occasional catamount. The gate itself is closed, but as far as Light can tell, it is never locked. It is more ornamental than anything. The lower classes can mingle freely here, as no fee is charged for entrance. Light has seen members of the Gentry, even the aristocracy, visit on occasion, drawn by the park's beauty. Whatever their station, Light believes that all humans feel a certain kinship with earth, water, wind, and sky - the things that sustain them.
If anything ought to be worshipped he thinks, it ought to be those things. Not gods who can't be bothered to show their faces to us.
Mansfield Park is a tapestry of nature. Inside, there are oak trees over a hundred years old and lush grasses and flowering bushes. They will be in bloom at this time of year, Spring well underway. The whole park will be alight with color. It is a common place for families and couples to wander through during free hours…even the elderly can sometimes be seen sitting on benches or walking slowly and carefully along the paths. Light has been here several times throughout his life, always with Mother and Sayu but occasionally with Father, too. Nearly all of the visits occurred when he and Sayu were children. They used to spend their time picking leaves from fallen tree branches, pretending they were gold coins and "buying" various sections of the park. Light always bought the square of land farthest from the entrance, where there was a wall made of black stone. It had a small stream near it, which trickled into a pond filled with red and gold koi, kept alive by donations of bread and lettuce from visitors. Oftentimes, a vendor or two will set up a cart inside, horse still harnessed to it, and sell things like hot cocoa in winter or iced tea in summer.
It is so unseasonably cold today…the wind whips everything back and forth according to its whim. There is a heavy chill in the air, and Light wraps his coat more snugly about himself. It is the dying throes of Winter, perhaps. The last, desperate attempt of an icy, deadly season to survive.
L reaches the gate first and holds it open for Light. The gesture still sends Light's heart into a minor panic, especially with Matsuda and Miss Amane watching.
"Thank you," he tells L, as he steps through.
"My pleasure," L replies. He follows Light through and leaves the gate to fall closed after him.
Behind them, Miss Amane and Matsuda erupt into not-so-subtle giggles. Light hears Matsuda whisper to her.
"See? I told you they were like this!" he says triumphantly.
"You were quite right!" Miss Amane whispers back, and opens the gate for herself to pass through. Matsuda does the same
L is already strolling ahead blithely, not waiting for the two of them to catch up.
"You are aware, are you not, that we can hear you?" he calls over his shoulder. Light snickers, following him.
There is a very abrupt, telling silence from Matsuda and Miss Amane at that. Then Miss Amane shouts, "Stop butting in, Ryuga!"
As they walk along together, Miss Amane and Matsuda walk together too, far behind them. Matsuda can keep an eye on L and Light that way, as his chaperone duties require. Sometimes the park is not crowded enough to be considered truly "public," and a chaperone's presence was mandatory for Father to allow L to Court Light here. Light had laughed outright when he had insisted. Who on earth would think of doing anything improper in a public park? Light had thought.
And L is nothing more than a perfect gentleman, anyway. Time and time again, he has shown himself to be resistant to anything but what is prescribed acceptable in the Courtship rules. Light sees no reason for his father to be so suspicious of him. Even if Light wanted L to push the boundaries of propriety a bit, he never would.
Not that Light resents this fact. L is an upstanding citizen and Light would have him no other way. Or have him at all, because of the rules. Not that Light would wish such a thing before they were married. He is an upstanding citizen too, after all.
He and L talk of The Red Country as they walk along. It is the story of a man doomed to die alone after he stumbles upon a cursed jewel. Once popular, kind, and beautiful, the man ages quickly with the jewel in his possession, and becomes crueler and crueler by the day. He loses his friends and family and wanders the earth, forlorn.
"I've reached the part where Mr. James sees his own reflection in the lake, and doesn't recognize it," Light says.
L nods. "The author is quite poetic there, I recall."
Light agrees. "I've never cared much for poetry, but poetic prose is somehow very different."
L makes a sound of assent. "I think the author was a poet, before he penned his novels."
Light looks back, seeing that Matsuda and Miss Amane have fallen quite behind them. He thinks that they are out of earshot. "Do you think that whoever is committing the murders looks at themselves as Mr. James does? After they first killed, they weren't able to recognize their own image?"
"I suppose I could not say until I capture them, and learn what sort of man or woman they are," L says. "But…I have often thought that some individuals who pursue the death of another are irrevocably changed. They may have started their lives with spotless hearts, but end them with a soul like soot."
"I can't think that someone with a spotless heart could turn to something so evil. I think that murderers were always corrupt, and only hiding it," argues Light.
"This is because you see the world in blacks and white, Light," L says. "And I….I see in gray."
They continue walking. Light looks up at L's profile and sees that his eyes are cloudy with thought. He can think of nothing to say besides intrusive questions about L's past: the sort of crimes he's seen and the dangerous places he's been and what happened to his parents.
Light holds his tongue.
As they walk, Light sees L's scarf get blown out of place by the wind. Both ends of it flutter this way and that, doing no good in keeping L warm. L seems to pay it no mind, but Light cannot abide it.
He stops walking, and L is forced to halt too. He makes a questioning "hmm?" sound, turning to look at Light.
Light steps in front of him so that he can take the ends of the scarf and tie them securely again.
"Your scarf came loose," he says, by way of explanation.
"I see," L replies. His eyes roam Light's face before he tilts his chin up, letting Light work.
Light ties the thing very neatly indeed, forming a relaxed knot at L's collar. He tucks the ends into L's coat, and when he does, his fingers brush the skin at the base of L's throat.
"There," says Light. "All better."
L tucks his chin back down again, looking at Light with bright eyes. "Indeed."
Light maintains his gaze but cannot find any words with which to reply. He swallows, mouth suddenly gone dry.
"Shall we?" L asks, starting forward again.
Light nods, and they continue onward.
They wander along the park paths, discussing the greenery all around them. L is particularly enamored of the ancient trees, seemingly fascinated by something that can survive for so long a time. He lays a hand on the trunk of one of them. The rough bark must surely be painful against palms as smooth as his.
"Do they become world-weary, Light?" L asks thoughtfully. "After standing upright for over a century? Aren't they tired?"
"Perhaps they are…but surely standing is better than the alternative?"
"I think sometimes," L murmurs. "That the oldest trees deserve to rest. They've done their part for the world, haven't they?"
Light wonders at L's strange and sudden mood and considers the possibility that he is sad, or perhaps under one of his occasional fits of melancholy. "It might be that they just…aren't finished yet," tries Light. "And they'll stand a bit longer before they can lay down forever."
L nods. "In any case, they are quite…majestic."
Light agrees. They fought their way through life from the time they were mere seeds. They endured over a hundred icy winters, and a hundred blistering summers…droughts, floods….everything. And still they endure.
Light watches L watching the tree. His head is tilted back so that he can look up at the branches, covered all over with new leaf buds.
L's scarf is untied yet again. The wind is stronger than Light had given it credit for. He was sure he tied it securely the last time.
Light takes L by the shoulders (surely shoulders are within the boundaries of respectability?) and turns him gently away from the tree trunk, so that Light can do up the knot again.
L gives him an expression of faint surprise at this before glancing down at his own chest.
"Oh dear, it seems to have slipped again," he says, staring down at himself with painted-on sadness, as Light works on tying the knot. "Perhaps I am not meant to be warm today."
"Don't be silly, L," replies Light. He shakes his bangs out of his eyes. "It's just the wind's doing, is all."
"Hmmm…in any case, Light is quite willing to keep me warm, it seems," L remarks. He looks at Light from under his eyelashes with a petite leer.
Light finishes with the scarf. His eyes glare at L but his lips smile broadly. He gives himself permission to speak in a voice that is a shade huskier, a shade more masculine, when he replies, "L, you utter wolf."
His hands linger on the lapels of L's coat. Light feels a wild sort of daring race through him. This would be, without doubt, a moment that only barely complies with Courtship etiquette.
L is watching him with a newfound gravity in his eyes. "Perhaps we ought to continue on, before you find yourself a lamb?" he asks.
Light's heart slams against his sternum at that. It is all he can do to nod agreeably, when every breath he takes urges him to continue this dangerous game they play, and see what will transpire. He brings his hands back to himself, tucking them into his pockets.
They start again, making their way to the clearing of wildflowers in the middle of the park. Whites and reds and oranges and purples and pinks spill out across the grass. The flowers form waves like an ocean as the wind pushes them left and right and left again.
"Take a look behind us, Light," L says, looking back over his shoulder. Light copies him and sees that Matsuda and Miss Amane are quite far behind them indeed. Matsuda does not look to be concerned in the slightest with what L and Light are doing. In fact, he is not looking at them at all. His gaze is turned to his left, where Miss Amane is talking animatedly. Matsuda's expression does nothing to hide how completely besotted he is.
Light gives a disbelieving sort of laugh. "He seems quite worried about you and I, doesn't he? Watching us with a hawk's eyes, surely."
L grins. "I confess I rather saw this coming, and took advantage of the situation."
Light turns to L, half appalled and half impressed.
L chuckles outright at his expression. "You see, I allowed Misa to accompany us for Mr. Matsuda's sake. And hers as well, clearly. Just look at the two of them together." He gestures behind himself. "And Mr. Matsuda's distraction affords us a bit more…space…which I know you prefer, if only for the sake of your privacy, which you guard dearly."
Light cannot fault him for speaking the truth. He feels emboldened enough to diffidently ask, "And you, L? What do you gain from Mr. Matsuda's distraction?"
L meets his eyes unrepentantly. "Well…surely Light would not judge a Suitor harshly for carving out a bit of isolation for he and his Match, so long as it fits the boundaries of decorum?"
Light feels the weight of L's self-assurance like melting toffee in his stomach. It settles there and heats him from the inside out. "I can't say that I would, L," he says. "I can't say that I would."
They have not walked even ten minutes more before Light sees L's scarf untied again.
"Oh, my stars, look at that," L remarks, looking down at himself. "It seems to have happened again, Light."
He goes to stand directly in front of him and holds his chin up expectantly. "We ought to charge this wind a fine for his mischief, oughtn't we?"
Light takes the end of the scarf in his hands and sets about tying the most secure knot he can think of. "I'm beginning to suspect that it is not the wind at all, and that you are undoing it on purpose, L," he teases idly.
"Oh? Whatever should make you think that?" L replies serenely. He remains standing in front of Light with a lazy confidence, chin still tilted up, neck exposed plainly.
And Light realizes exactly what is going on.
"You are doing it on purpose," he says wonderingly. He lets go of the scarf with one hand and smacks L's shoulder lightly.
L tucks his chin down again, looking at Light normally. "So you figured it out…hmmm, well, what am I to say? I am too quickly spoiled for your touch."
How can one man be filled with the combined charm of a hundred others? It is not to be believed.
"L…." Light says, resuming tying up the scarf. "You don't have to get it that way."
When he is done, he takes L's hand in his, Light's right hand inside L's left. L smiles, and they walk onward through the park this way. Light realizes that within mere months, when he holds L's hand, he will feel a wedding band there on L's ring finger.
And a matching one on my own.
As they walk, an elderly woman stands up from a nearby bench. Her hair is purely white and drawn up into a tightly-wrapped bun at the base of her neck. She has a face full of deeply etched wrinkles. They are especially pronounced around her mouth.
She approaches L and Light, gravel crunching harshly under her heeled boots. She wears no overcoat, and in this chill, she must be freezing. She shows no sign of it.
Light looks to L, wondering if perhaps this another of his agents, but L does not show any hint of recognition. He watches the woman with a kind of stillness about him. Light feels it radiate from their joined hands. He would not let go of L's hand now even if L asked him to.
The woman's voice, when she speaks, is just as harsh as the gravel under her feet.
"Courting, are you, then?" she asks.
Light raises his chin fractionally and meets her eyes. "We are. May we help you?"
L says nothing, but watches the proceedings closely.
"You might say that," the woman says. She lifts her hand, and Light sees what is held within it: a single black, ostrich feather. It is huge and somehow menacing in her grasp.
"Accept this, as a token of my wishes for your future together," she says, holding the feather out to L. He stares at it, taking it with a detached, automatic sort of gesture.
"Why on earth would you give us such a thing?" Light demands. What business is their Courtship of hers? And why should she wish them ill?
"I follow the gods' will. They will see to it that those who ought to be paired will be paired. And those who defy their expectations for marriage will be punished," she says. "Most severely."
"Do the gods not proclaim that those who spread malevolence will be punished most severely of all? Do they not desire good will be passed from man to man on this earth?" argues Light. He cannot stomach this treatment. Not when it is wholly unwarranted. "We defy no expectations. None."
"You defy the expectations of station. And I shall not debate the will of the gods with the likes of you," says the stranger, with a damning sort of finality, before she turns and walks away.
L remains silent throughout of all of this. When the woman is finally out of sight, Light turns to him and sees that he is bone-white. The feather is held loosely in his grasp. L's eyes are focused in the middle distance, looking at something that only he can see there.
Light takes the feather from him and throws it to the ground with a deliberate negligence. It barely skims the air, how heavy is it, and falls a few feet away. Light does not look back at it.
Still, L does not speak.
"L, come now," Light urges, pulling him forward by the hand. "Never mind that old witch."
L follows, but only belatedly.
Light tries to inject some life into him by asking, "There are busybodies everywhere, aren't there? Never minding their own business and always poking their noses into someone else's. We are glad to be rid of her."
"Busybodies…yes…" L murmurs, sounding unconvinced. When Light looks at him, his eyes are still far away.
"L, what on earth is the matter? Surely you do not take that hag's words seriously, do you?"
"It isn't her words that perturb me," says L, in the same low murmur. "It is the token."
"The feather?"
"Precisely," L says on a deep exhale. He finally makes eye contact.
"Why should that disturb you? I mean…I know it's a bad omen, but those are only superstitions," Light protests. "It doesn't really mean anything."
"Usually I would agree with you," says L. "But Light…." He sighs and doesn't continue.
"…what is it?"
L doesn't look at him when he begins again. "When Amra was dying, especially near the last days of her life, she was delirious. And over and over, she would talk about a black feather. You can see how now I would be…unnerved…by that token."
Light feels a kind of helplessness. He can understand, now, but he can find no words of comfort. Except to say, "I see. But in the end…it can only be coincidence. Nothing more."
"And if we take into account the attempt on your life?" L demands, looking at Light once more, black eyes boring into his. "Am I to write this off, call it coincidence, even then?"
"Yes, L. Yes, you are. It is coincidence. An attempt was made, and you foiled it. Amra wasn't killed; she became ill. It was tragic but it was no one's fault, least of all yours. And you've already saved my life. Give no more thought to the cruelty of that woman's token."
L sighs. "I suppose I have no choice in the matter, do I?"
Light nudges L's side with his elbow. "No choice at all. Are Matched husbands not rumored to be unbearably bossy? And am I not your Match?"
This earns Light a smile.
"You are indeed," L says.
They make their way to the wall of black stone in the back of the park. Light can hear water falling into the koi fish pond, and the occasional splash from one of koi's tails. Someone must have come along recently and fed them, if they are this active.
"There you have it, then. And never mind her ridiculous claims about 'the expectations of station.' One's station ought not matter for any sort of relationship. Surely not a Courtship, no matter what the protocols might have society believe." Light tells L confidently.
"Of course I do agree," replies L, following Light's lead around the bend of the path they take. They are very near to the stone wall.
"The Courtship protocols weren't designed for people like you and I, anyway," Light tells L confidently. "We don't need to be told to control ourselves. We would do so anyway, because of our inner natures and standards. It could be that privacy between us were allowed at every stage of our meetings – that needn't mean that we act lasciviously. We are both of us honorable men, after all. Perhaps lesser individuals would need outside sources to put controls…or place limits…on their behaviors. But not you and I."
"You are right," says L thoughtfully. He pauses in front of the stone wall, drawing Light to a stop. "You are right. The rules are unnecessary for us. Ridiculous, even. Why, suppose I did this - "
He leans forward, caging Light in between himself and the stone wall. He rests one of his hands against it, near to Light's hair, and the other he slides into his own breeches pocket.
" - what harm could possibly come of it, I ask you?"
"Indeed. What harm could come of it?" Light agrees. His eyes are pulled to L's thin, delicate lips. "It isn't as if we are even touching, and surely if left alone we should have the sense and self-control not to…act unwisely."
"And even if I took a step closer," L continues, and does so. His chest can only be a few scant centimeters from Light's now. "Even if I do this, we should still have our wits about us…shouldn't we?"
He is close enough that Light could count his eyelashes, if he cared to. They are thick, and long as young foal's. Light realizes that he has no idea what to do with his hands, and that the most natural place for them to go seems instinctually to be around L's neck. Or his waist. Both of which would be strictly off limits. He keeps them flat against the wall behind him, and the coldness of the stone is a stark contrast to the heat of his blood.
"We should, yes…surely we should…" Light says, trying to maintain the thread of their conversation.
L is watching him, and with every passing moment, his gaze seems to increase in intensity. The blackness of his eyes makes it impossible for Light to tell where his iris ends and where his pupil begins. Every breath between them is a shared breath…every inhale brings them that much closer to touching. Suddenly, L's pink tongue darts out, licking at his lips, and Light is mesmerized by it until it is again hidden away. L's eyes call him back.
The eye contact between them is nearly too powerful to endure, but Light holds on, as if his life depends on it. L is saying nothing to him, and still saying everything. And, oh, but does Light listen. He craves more of this kind of silent communication.
And L looks ready to give it. His head tilts ever so slightly to the right. His gaze begins to dart between Light's eyes and his mouth and back again. He is assessing, calculating, measuring angles and trajectories but also Light's readiness…Light's acceptance….
There is an infinitesimal pause, during which even the chatter of the birds overhead does not reach Light's ears. There is only this – the roaring of his own pulse in his ears. This, and the perfect, beautiful, sweet sight of L leaning in….Light's eyes slide closed without his conscious consent. He is the Match, and he will wait patiently for his Suitor's next move….
"Ah…perhaps the rules have some merit after all," he hears L say quietly. His voice is murky with something unnamable. His words break whatever swirling mist of magic enveloped them there, and he goes no further.
Light opens his eyes…tries to catch his breath.
L moves back and turns away, saying in a louder voice that is much more like the one he normally uses, "Come, Light…let us visit that vendor there. I want to show you the joys of iced lollies. I suddenly crave something…juicy."
Iced lollies turn out to be made of fresh fruit speared through on wooden skewers and frozen in ice boxes. The vendor they visit clearly planned for this Spring day to be warmer than it turned out to be.
Light had had reservations about the wisdom of eating something frozen on such a chill day, but L had easily convinced him to try it.
"Come now, Light, live a little," he had said, before taking a long lick.
It was this, more than L's words, that pushed Light in the direction of trying it. The strawberries on his skewer began to thaw easily after a few tastes, and were soon melting with rich juice. Light's lips and tongue were numb with the cold, but the flavor was worth it.
"There you guys are!" they hear Matsuda shout. Light turns to see he and Miss Amane running in their direction, cheeks red.
"We were looking all over for you two!" Miss Amane exclaims. "Isn't it against the rules for you guys to sneak off?!"
"We were certainly not sneaking anyplace, Misa," says L calmly. "We merely assumed that you and Mr. Matsuda would have a vested interest in following closely behind. Clearly that assumption was mistaken."
Matsuda's cheeks turn an even brighter red. "I'm so sorry, Mr. Lawliet! I just…well, that is, we didn't - "
"You don't have to apologize to this guy, Matsu," Miss Amane says stubbornly. "Hmph. It's none of his business, anyway,"
L beams. "Perhaps you are correct, Misa. I shall leave the subject there. Perhaps you and Mr. Matsuda would like an iced lolly as well?" he asks, holding up his own snack for them to see.
While Matsuda pays the vendor for two more iced lollies, Miss Amane reveals something that gives both L and Light pause.
"This park sure is something! Did you guys see that grandmother in the boots? She was walking around without even a coat? She's all the way from Golden Apple! She goes to the church there every Sunday. People says she's more devout than the pastor! Anyway, Mansfield Park must be really popular if even people from my town make visits!"
L and Light look at each other immediately after this pronouncement.
"She is well-known in Golden Apple, you say, Misa?" L asks.
"Oh, sure. Everyone goes to church, don't they? She's always there," answers Miss Amane. "And she volunteers in the church, too."
"This case is bigger than I suspected," L mutters.
"Huh? Ryuga, you think she's involved in something?" Miss Amane asks.
"I do…keep an eye out for her, wherever you go. Report her movements to me in the usual way. In the meantime, your primary focus must remain on Kiyomi Takada. Alright, Misa?"
Miss Amane nods. "Well…I don't get why you're saying it, but if that's what you want, Ryuga, I'll do it."
L nods. It is clear to Light that his thoughts are elsewhere.
Matsuda returns to them, passing an iced lolly to Miss Amane. "Are you guys all set to take Light back home? I think it's almost curfew for him."
On the way back home, Miss Amane sits in the front of the carriage with Matsuda, next to him on the driver's bench. This leaves L and Light alone in the carriage, which Light is grateful for. He is more at ease with only L for company, and though there is a tension between them, it is of a variety that Light quite enjoys.
"This means the murderers could be all the way in Golden Apple, right?" Light asks, when the carriage takes off. "Or, at least, that they could have accomplices there?"
"It's possible," says L. "All things are possible, until they are not."
Light ponders this. "As long as we continue in that vein…maybe it isn't that the murderer has accomplices there. Maybe it's just the churches…maybe they are coordinated somehow."
"You hit the nail squarely on the head, as usual, Light," L says wryly. "That is a definite possibility. Part of me wishes that you were not so acute in your analysis of things."
Light blinks. "Why would you wish that?"
"Because if you were more obtuse, you would be less of a target. Any criminal wants to get his hands on someone who has figured out their secret."
Light lifts one shoulder in a shrug. "Maybe, but surely my mind protects me too. I shouldn't walk headlong into a trap if I keep my eyes open. And really, I haven't solved anything. You'll surely solve it before I come close."
"I would not be so sure of that, if I were you. Do not let your past dictate your future. Educated or no, you would be an asset on any investigation," L says gently.
"That's kind…thank you," Light replies quietly.
During the rest of the trip home, they discuss various other possibilities for the case. Light feels his brain actually push itself to keep up with the speed of L's inferences, and the way he leaps from one small fact to the inference that follows logically from it. At times he has to ask L to elaborate on his reasoning, but L shows no impatience for this. And when Light is able to actually finish a sentence for him, L seems somehow very pleased.
When the carriage pulls to a stop, Light is more reluctant than ever to step out of it. His pulse is a drumbeat impossible to ignore as he sits on the cushioned carriage bench, and he doesn't yet know why.
"Did you enjoy yourself, Light?" L asks.
Light nods, mustering his nerve before saying, "I'm beginning to wonder if I am ever not to enjoy a meeting with you."
L gives him a sideways smile. "Is that so? Well, the feeling is mutual."
L reaches for his hand, and Light gives it easily, feeling an aching softness when L gives the back of it his customary kiss.
"I shall write you," L says afterwards, straightening up again. "Until we meet again."
Before he has the opportunity to talk himself out of the act, Light scoots to the edge of his seat, leaning far forward. He presses his lips to L's cheek – keenly aware that this time he is doing it out of a purely selfish desire. There is no convenient excuse of L's despondency to cover him now.
When he pulls back, Light forces himself to meet L's eyes. He is reasonably certain that L will not be anything other than accepting, perhaps a bit pleased, but he needs to see it for himself.
"Until we meet again, then," Light says, voice much softer than he intended. He remains very close to L. There is less than a hand's breadth between them.
L's eyes search his own. There is a glow to them, but also a reserve, like banked fire.
"I fear that I shall overstep my bounds," L says.
There is a thrumming between he and Light, like that of violin strings recently plucked, vibrations left to linger in the air.
"Can we not make our own boundaries?" asks Light.
They share a moment of silence, eye contact unbroken, before L warns, "I will take any lack of rejection as an assent."
Light keeps himself carefully motionless.
L's gaze rakes back and forth across his features before he takes Light's cheek in his hand. Light feels every fingertip like a brand on his skin. The touch snatches his breath and takes it swiftly away, gone in an instant, and not missed.
Light knows what is coming. He knows and he wants. He can think of nothing but the approaching moment. And how long must he wait for it…how much more can the string of time stretch between them until it snaps?
And then L moves in, and the last thing Light sees are L's eyes slipping closed, lips parted ever so slightly, before his own eyes shut.
And then L's lips are against his, the barest hint of pressure there, like the brush of a rose petal on one's palm, or the softness of falling rain. Light has never known such tenderness. It is exquisite. He knows not what he ought to do, only that he ought not pull away.
L's hand on his cheek directs him just slightly to the right, and the angle at which they meet shifts. The difference is perfectly arranged, perfectly sound. L's lips are smooth and fine. Even with this most delicate of contact, Light feels a stirring within himself. There is something waking up inside of him – the opening of a long-dormant seed, which yearns for sunlight and water now that the possibility of life beckons.
My whole life has changed Light thinks, knowing it with complete certainty. He covers L's hand with his own and presses their lips tighter together as much as he dares.
L is the first to pull back, and when he does, Light opens his eyes.
L is beautiful before him…too beautiful. His eyes are brighter than stars, color high on his cheeks. Light wants the image of him burned into his memory, fierce and vivid.
"Please tell me now if I am the only one of us moved by that," L says, heartbreaking in his honesty.
Light shakes his head, beyond even the most rudimentary poetry right now. "You are not the only one."
L exhales, short and quick, nodding. Then, he bursts into a laughter that Light has never heard from him before: full of joy and unhindered by any darkness.
Light laughs with him. There is too much happiness in his soul right now to do anything but that. Laughter is the only way to let it out. Nothing is funny, but everything is bright.
They watch each other, smiling and unable to stop, as childish as either of them have surely ever been.
"Am I allowed to repeat that when next we meet?" L asks.
"If you don't, I shall be angrier than I can say," Light assures him.
L's smile grows impossibly wider.
"I should ask you to repeat it here and now, if not for Mr. Matsuda and the curfew," Light goes on.
L's eyes soften. "Savor the anticipation of it, then, as I shall in turn."
Light nods. "I think I can do that," he says. He must pull his next words out by the strength of his will, lest he remain here in this carriage, with L, forever. "Until we meet again, then….goodnight, L."
"Goodnight, dear Light," says L in return.
They share one final glance, and then Light forces himself out of the carriage, and back home.
Author's Note:
While I have had the general plot of this thing mapped out almost from the start, far more specifics have been filled in now. I am even more excited to write future chapters! The next three, specifically, have been plotted out in a fair amount of detail….and anyone curious to see the inside of L's manor will have their curiosity sated. J
I made a rough estimate of the overall length of this thing when it's all said and done and…it kind of terrifies me, as I have never written anything even close to this long before. However, all of your comments and kudos and reviews and favorites have been so kind – this writer is truly lucky! Thank you also to those who encouraged me despite my dissatisfaction with the last chapter and those who offered constructive criticism – it was helpful! And thank you especially to those who have left comments and reviews so consistently!
BC3, so much of this story is inspired by the path of our own love story…never let it be said that I am not grateful for it, and for you, every day. I'm sure you see all that is autobiographical in this.
Also, if anyone is wondering why Soichiro is now suspicious of L when in the beginning he was very trusting of him (or at least trusting enough to entertain his Suit), there are two reasons. One, I think that emotionally Soichiro is not ready yet to let Light go, and his fear of losing Light is manifesting itself as fear of Light's virtue/honor/reputation being "ruined." Two, I think that SEEING L and Light together has shown Soichiro (and everyone else who has witnessed the energy between them) that they have quite a lot of UST. Lol And Light does not understand or realize how obvious the tension between he and L is to other people. (I don't think L realizes it, either.) When my girlfriend and I were first dating, we thought we were so subtle and skilled about hiding it. Not so much. Everybody knew. Everybody.
Please let me know what you thought of this chapter!
The next installment is underway…see you there!
- Magic