A/N: A smack of reality, and a cold shower.
DISCLAIMER: SVU and characters belong to Dick Wolf. Tstabler © own this story.
Olivia ran her hand down her face. She shook her head, trying to process the conversation she was having. "I told you, for the seventeenth time, I don't know why I can't say it."
Rebecca looked at her, her eyes narrow as she sat poised with pen over notebook. "I do," she said. "I know what's going on in his head, Olivia, and I know what's going on in yours."
"Did he give you more of his porn-esque love notes to read?" Olivia asked, scoffing.
Rebecca smirked. "No, but I would have enjoyed them. I can't discuss that with you, but I can tell you that your fear of rushing this, the terror you feel..."
"I'm not afraid of rushing it!" Olivia snapped, wide-eyed. "I've already had more sex with him than I had with my last three boyfriends combined."
Rebecca clicked her pen and bit her lip. "Then it's the other thing," she said. "You...you've got to get over that, Olivia. Have you even told him..."
"He doesn't need to know," Olivia said firmly. "I need to get over it, Becks. It's not...it's just not easy. When everyone hears those words come out of my mouth...whenever I let myself say it, they leave. It's like my own personal fucking Kryptonite. I can't say it."
"Not everyone you love leaves," Rebecca said softly.
"You don't know what it's like, Becks," Olivia said, her eyes closing. "Growing up with a mother who convinced you love was noting but pain. A mother who had you believing, by the time you were four, that men were evil. She told me...every day until I was eighteen...that I was worthless, no one would ever love me because of what I was, who I was. That I was undeserving of love." She wiped her eyes quickly, refusing to cry.
She took a shaky breath and said, "The one time I open myself up, say it to someone, they fucking prove me right and walk out of my life forever. Then she fucking falls down the stairs, the only person I had left who was semi-capable of showing me some type of affection, and everything hurt so much worse. I promised myself I would never do that again."
"Do what again?" Rebecca asked, marveling at how much Olivia had opened up.
Olivia bit her lip, wiped her eyes again, still not acknowledging that she was crying. "Let someone hurt me," she whispered.
"You really believe Elliot would hurt you?" Rebecca asked, not prepared for that.
Olivia shook her head. "I don't know what to believe anymore," she said with a shrug. "A week ago I believed he was happily married. A week ago I believed there was no way in hell he'd so much as hold my hand let alone fuck me seven ways from Sunday every chance he gets." She let her red and dry eyes finally meet Rebecca's. "He is the only person I have ever let myself trust. Really trust. With my life. With every secret I have, except one. That's all changed and now it's so much more complicated and if something goes wrong..."
She swallowed hard and shook her head. "Part of me believes that there's only one way this can end, and I really don't want to believe that."
Rebecca let out a breath she didn't realize she'd been holding, and she squeezed her eyes shut. She turned toward her desk, moved some papers around, and picked up Elliot's notebook. She sighed, then turned to Olivia and held it out to her. "Read this," she said. "Don't tell him you have it. Don't even tell him you know it exists. If you're still afraid after you read it, then go to Huang, don't come to me. I won't be able to help you."
Olivia took the notebook, and she blinked. "Okay," she said, standing. She left the office, flipping open the notebook as she stepped into the elevator. Her eyes widened as they followed the words across the page, and her heart broke and then swelled.
She hit the emergency stop button, then slid down to the floor, avoiding everyone and everything until she'd finished the notebook.
"Where the hell is she?" Cragen yelled, pacing.
Elliot, worried out of his mind, slammed down the phone. "No fucking idea," he hissed. "She's not answering her cell phone, she's not at her place, she's not at mine, I..."
"Why the hell would she be at yours?" Cragen asked, angry.
Elliot turned to him. "I...I just called everywhere, all right?"
Cragen nodded, satisfied with that answer. "Anything?" he asked, as Fin and Munch walked through the doors.
Fin was laughing and Munch was rubbing his eyes. "She was stuck in an elevator downtown," Fin chuckled.
"My phone died," she said meekly, holding up the phone. She walked over to her desk, pulled open the drawer, and pulled out a charging plug. She plugged it in, though she knew it was fully charged, and looked at it as it blinked on. "A hundred and seven missed calls? Jesus, people!"
Elliot was still staring at her, his mouth opening and closing. "I...I was..." He pulled her into his arms. "Never do that to me again."
Stunned, wanting to hold him back but she knew it would look bad. "I won't. I'm sorry," she said, pushing him away and shooting him a hot look. She looked at him so differently now. She knew his inner thoughts and fears, the same as hers for the same reasons, hadn't kept him from openly declaring his love for her.
She read it, in his own handwriting, she was the only one he had the urge to just say it to, he knew she needed to hear it, loudly and often. He wanted to be the one that said it to her.
"Are you okay?" he asked, his voice soft as he looked into her eyes. "You look...you look like maybe you're not okay."
She nodded. "An hour and a half in a small, metal box," she said with a shrug. "I'm a little shaken up, but I'm fine."
He gave her a curt nod and took a step back. "Okay," he said. "We, uh, we have a case to..."
"Take it with Fin," she said, shrugging off her jacket. She slung it over her chair and looked toward Cragen. "Cap? I need a minute to..."
"Whatever you need," Cragen interrupted. "Just glad to have you back safe, Benson."
Olivia nodded, then walked out of the squad room. She walked down the stairs, two flights, and headed through the gym into the locker room. Opening her locker, she sighed. She couldn't get his words out of her head. She's the only person in the world I am not afraid of falling in love with, I'm not afraid to let her love me. I'm an open book for her, and I pray every day she knows I am. She pulled a clean pair of jeans and the gray hoodie that bounced back and forth between them out of her locker, laying them on the bench. She pulled her black sweater over her head and turned on the water in one of the showers.
She slithered out of her pants and she peeled off her bra and panties. She stepped under the spraying water and gasped a little.
She heard someone chuckle, and a low voice say, "We have had problems with the hot water for about a week, Liv."
She pulled the curtain back a slight bit and poked her head out. "What are you doing? I thought we had a case."
"We did," he shrugged. "Cragen sent Munch and Fin, then told me to come see how you were. He knows how you get in small spaces."
She gave him a small smile. "Well, I was sweaty and smelly, hence the shower, but I'm fine, I told you..."
"You're a good liar," he said, pulling on his tie. He slipped it off and laid it over her fresh clothes. He unbuttoned and took off his shirt and said, "I knew by looking at you, something's on your mind."
"You are not coming in here, Stabler," she said. She shut the curtain, as if the filmy plastic would keep him out. She heard him undress as she said, "We're at work."
"Yeah? I hadn't noticed," he cracked, stepping in with her. He reached passed her and pulled on the knob hard, suddenly the water heated slightly, and he chuckled. "Tell me what's bothering you."
She shook her head, feeling more cramped and tight than she had in the elevator, and she closed her eyes. "Nothing, El, I was just...I had a rough morning. I realized something and I..."
"You went to see Becky, what happened?" he interrupted. He ran his hands over her smooth shoulders, pulling her against him, enclosing her in his warmth and his love, as well as his body. "What did she make you realize?"
"It wasn't her," she whispered. "Not really. It...it was you."
"Me?" He furrowed his brow as he spun her around to face him. "Liv, baby, if I did something to hurt you, I..."
She stopped his words with a kiss. "You didn't hurt me. I know you...I know you would never hurt me," she said, believing it as the words came out of her mouth.
Elliot squinted. "You...she gave you the...she let you read..."
"Calm down," she interjected, holding his hands. "Please, don't...don't be mad at her for it. I'm glad she gave it to me, El, I was...I was terrified. So scared that...scared that this would all go away if I admitted it was real. If I let it become what I refused to let it become."
He looked at her, brushed her hair back a bit as it grew wetter and stuck to her face, and he said, "What's that?"
She took a breath and she closed her eyes. "Love," she whispered. "El, I..." she opened her eyes and she said, for the first time while fully aware, "I love you."
He breathed out hard, relief and instant fear pushing out from his lungs. He moved forward, pressing into her as he pushed her into the tiles behind her and crashed his lips into hers. Their teeth clicked, their lips fought for some kind of coordination, and their hands grabbed at nothing while trying to grab at everything.
She said it. She knew she said it, intentionally letting him take the one part of her she fought so hard to keep from him. She thought she'd feel terror but she felt lighter. She felt like she'd jumped off of a mountain and landed on the world's softest cloud.
He ran his tongue over hers, moaning, cupping her face and budging her knees apart, never wanting her more than he did right now.
She whined and whimpered as he thrust his hips forward, pushing into her, and she moved her right leg up his body, trying to find balance and support. "El," she murmured.
"Just say it again," he whispered to her, peppering her neck and lips with tiny kisses as he moved, hard and deep. "Don't think about it, don't think about anything, Liv. Just tell me."
She grabbed his face, held his gaze, and said, loudly and clearly, "I love you."
He kissed her again, trying to tell her through his actions how much he longed to hear her say it, hoe amazed and relieved he was he finally heard her say it for real. "I love you, " he said sweetly to her between kisses and grunts.
She held onto him as the water ran cold again, and she shut her eyes, letting him take everything away the way he always did.
But when everything returned this time, and they were brought back to reality, regret and fear would sink in deeper. Not fear of being together, no, but the fear of being together in the wrong place and the wrong time.
A/N: A divorce hearing like no other, Olivia has a chat with the twins that surprises her, and Elliot stops in to see Becky, but this time, he's pissed. Why? What happened? Review here, or on Twitter: TMG212