Author's Note: We're getting closer here...If I am a little slow to update the next few weeks, please forgive me. I'll try my best but my day job has been especially demanding lately. At the end of the day, I'm not up for much (even writing!) so I thank you for your patience. Plus, we are adding a sweet rescue dog to our household and she will need a lot of attention during the adjustment. Please be aware that this chapter deals with food issues triggered by Tarsus. Proceed with caution. Last but not least- thank you, DLB48, for your wise instruction. I don't know how I would have gotten this chapter written and edited without you!

"You're working too hard."

The soft, familiar voice swept into Jim's thoughts. It tugged and pulled at the horrors latched on to his mind. Although the fingers of his past held on with a death grip, Jim was somewhat startled out of his reverie. He cringed as the ache at the base of his skull spread and reached behind his eyes. Bewildered and in pain, he waited, longing to hear that calming voice again but the storm within him relentlessly raged.

"JT!"

Tom's scream echoed in the cell. Kodos had come. He wasn't dead after all but hid in the shadows of Tars-

"Jim?"

"Hmm?" He mercilessly gripped the PADD in his hand. Where was Bones? Spock? Tom? Head pounding, Jim hauled himself out of the chair and spotted only the petite blond across from him.

Carol.

Jim blinked, chest heaving and struggling to see her through his haze.

"Jim." Carol said calmly, taking hold of Jim's arm when he stumbled against the table. Terror gripped him as he wondered whether Kodos had harmed her, too. Jerking his gaze to hers, his breath finally evened as her face settled before him, clear and perfect. No one had touched her.

No one.

He was in his quarters. Kodos had not attacked her. Kodos was dead despite the tricks Jim's mind continuously played on him. Compassion poured forth from Carol. It was then as Jim searched her face that he knew...he had not fooled her.

Jim's stomach growled and took the place of any hollow excuse he had for his actions. He offered a lopsided grin.

"You need to eat what Dr. McCoy ordered for you." Carol hesitated, her concern almost bringing him to his knees. "If I bring it over, will you try?"

Feeling as ill as ever, he shook his head but stopped when the action suddenly reminded him of his headache.

"I've watched you all day, James," she said quietly. "Here's what I see. Your foot still bothers you. You're quite absentminded. You mumble dazed responses. You barely touched the food Yeoman Rand brought you."

Carol's precise and careful observations immediately activated a flight response inside of him. Flee- away- anywhere but here. Jim remembered more, now. Bones was distracted by a private conversation with his superior in Jim's bedroom. Carol had said she wanted to talk with Jim. Panicked that he would lose focus, Jim shielded himself with a PADD and informed her that he had to look over something first. Little good that did him. Still, with Bones in the other room, the docotr wouldn't know. Kodos was close, too close- Jim had to get away.

Carol's patience with him surpassed his every expectation. She'd been here...Jim stumbled over his thoughts. He wasn't certain how long but perhaps a few hours.. Maybe...maybe she would listen. He wanted to scream at her, at someone to help him.

No, that wasn't possible. Resigned, he set down his PADD on the table. No, no one could help him. Somehow he got the impression that Bones had revealed a little more to Carol than Jim wanted. Leaving things a mystery for Dr. Marcus was an error on Jim's part. Her curiosity would get the best of her. It seemed that it had already.

"I'm not really hungry, Carol." He grimaced at the thought of actually chewing and swallowing. The mere thought of food sent a familiar sense of nausea through his stomach. "I did eat a little this morning."

Actually, Jim managed six spoonfuls of broth before heaving it back out as quietly as he could in his bathroom while Bones and Carol remained in the other room. He had to try. He wasn't fooling Bones, not after the doctor saw him lose his dinner right in front of him yesterday. Before Carol arrived, he'd been flushed with electrolytes and vitamins. Jim had cursed those IVs the instant he saw them in his bedroom.

"Jim, it's not enough."

She'd seen straight through his meager lie.

"I know," he admitted. "I'm trying, Carol. I really am."

"I see that you are and I don't think it's working." Her concern seemed cautious, as if she was afraid of breaking him. "I want to help you and I need to understand these things first in order to do that in the best possible way."

"I...it's complicated." He couldn't suppress a slight shiver.

"It has to do with Tarsus, doesn't it?"

"Tarsus," he repeated, absently toying with the idea to flee again. Tarsus plagued him- always. He should've known dating an intelligent woman would tear down his walls and expose his secrets so quickly.

"What happened there, Jim?" she whispered. "There was a plague and people starved, but something more must have happened to you. Something that is haunting you right now. What did it do to you to make you avoid food like this?"

The simple mention of that cursed planet caused memories to surface. They threatened to overwhelm him. Pushing them down, he stated tersely, "Tarsus happened, Carol." Jim was certain that no one could ever erase those memories from his mind, even with a meld. Of that, Jim was certain. They were seared in his mind as if they'd been branded.

"Could you try to eat again, with me here?"

"I could try. Water would be okay." It was all he thought could handle. "I'll have something when Bones is done."

That much was true. Bones would do whatever it took for Jim to eat. To his chagrin, he shivered again. He'd hurl it out sooner or later but it was worth a try for her. Carol's eyes flickered with concern.

"Yes. Water. Maybe even soup," he repeated, sending her a smile that usually worked with Bones.

She hesitated, her expression unreadable. Jim's smile wavered. Carol clearly did not believe anything he'd said.

"Good," she said calmly. "I'll get your soup."

Jim grabbed the PADD, went to the couch, and settled defensively behind the device. Thankfully, his headache was almost gone even as he fought against Tarsus and instead thought of every good thing he had with Carol. He vaguely heard Carol's request to the yeoman to bring soup but so focused, Jim lost track of anything around him until Carol returned, tray in hand. His mouth tingled at the simple thought of swallowing anything. Muscles tensing, he held his breath as he stared down at the bowl. He'd have to persevere and take at least a couple of bites. Bones would be done soon, but that meant Jim was closer to the time when he had to make a decision.

He overcame obstacles all the time. He could do this. Just a few bites. He took a breath, lifted his spoon, and swallowed.

Sensing the all too familiar gag reflex, Jim set his spoon down like it was on fire and grabbed the cup of water. He gulped it down, stared down at the empty cup, and silently cursed the ex-governor for wreaking havoc on all parts of his life. It wasn't enough so he asked Carol for more.

Wordlessly, she brought him another cup of water and Jim repeated his ridiculous routine two more times.

Spoonful of soup, gag, a full glass of water. Soup, gag, water.

"Um, I think I need another cup of water." Jim bit his lip. He didn't think he could handle a fourth spoonful. He had to try. He'd try- for her. He wanted to try for all of them.

"Stop Jim, just stop." Carol whispered. "I don't know what's going on, but I can't watch you do this over and over. It's soup, Jim. Soup."

"I'm thirsty."

"This...isn't normal and it has to stop now. What's going on?"

With horrible timing, Bones entered the room just as Jim's stomach churned violently. Gagging, Jim quickly used his arm to cover his mouth and stifle his reflex. Out of the corner of his eyes, Jim watched the doctor stop dead in his tracks at the sight of Jim and Carol's stare-down.

Jim realized this was it. Just as Bones had warned him, Carol saw through his crap and did not believe him. The time had come for Jim to make a decision as Bones predicted. With the truth staring him in the face, Jim despaired. He could not lie to her but neither did he want to share these burdens. Tarsus was buried so carefully and deeply. He'd no desire to open the door to that part of his past ever again.

"Did I interrupt something?" Bones asked carefully.

"No," Carol said shortly, her expression still filled with hurt and tone decisive. She knew he wasn't being honest.

Jim said nothing. He bit his lip again, hating that he couldn't dig himself out of this one.

"Do you want to tell me what this was about?" Bones asked, voice rising with each word.

"Not really." Jim faked a smile.

"Jimmy..."

"Jimmy, what?" Jim mocked.

"Cut it out, Jim." Bones scowled.

"How am I supposed to explain this?" Jim shouted.

"Honestly, Jim. That's how. A little at a time."

"I don't know how, Bones," he swallowed, losing track of his surroundings. He closed his eyes to fight against the memory enclosing upon him. "I don't know how."

Truthfully, he was tired of trying to hide from his friends and wanted to talk. Carol's presence evoke the urge to share and allow his friends to help. He simply could not figure out where to even begin.

McCoy sat down beside him. "If you want, we can talk now. I'm not going anywhere."

"Tom," Jim opened his eyes and lifted his chin, daring Bones to flinch as the words burst harshly from his lips. "Tom. I killed him."

He stopped, stricken that he'd begun to share. He shouldn't have done that. How could he have do-

"You cared for him," Bones said gently. "You would have a reason for doing this."

Bones' compassion opened something within Jim. He squeezed his eyes shut. He was going to say more, probably damning his relationship with them both.

"In...in the cell...Kodos brought me a plate of food." Jim's breath quickened with each second. "Food, Bones. Food. I'd not eaten for days. I was so hungry I forgot about everything else. I couldn't resist."

His doctor listened without condemnation. Jim opened his eyes even though he feared the horror he'd see in his best friend's expression.

Instead, Bones looked...understanding but not horrified.

He knew. Somehow Bones knew.

"The only thing was..." Jim said simply before his stomach betrayed him. As he dumped the tray off his lap and attempted to jump off the couch he caught a glimpse of Carol's face. Her expression was shattered, as he expected, but rather than horror or pity reflecting from her eyes, it was sadness mixed with concern.

Jim's foot exploded with pain at the impact of every step, threatening his precarious progress through the bedroom. Scrambling into the bathroom he quite violently lost what little soup and water he consumed mere minutes ago.

As he retched again, Carol entered. He held up his hand to stop her and heaved, his legs shaking so hard that he slipped to the ground before he was done. Hands steadied him when he turned to be ill once more.

"You shouldn't be here," he groaned.

"Don't say that." She whispered, refreshing him with a cool cloth across his forehead. After a minute to catch his breath, he stood, never looking her in the eye. Hands trembling before him, he clenched them and cursed. "Please, Carol. Go."

"Here." She gently encircled his hands with both of hers and guided them, doing everything necessary to disinfect them. "I'm not leaving, James."

He didn't deserve her but she stayed. Ruefully, Jim realized she was as stubborn as he was. She and lifted a cup to his mouth, encouraging him to rinse with its contents. He nervously obeyed but then hunched over the sink. He wanted to as Spock for help, as hard as it would be. She patted his neck again. She was so close, the strawberry scent grounding him to a happier time.

With her.

"Carol." He straightened, wanting her to know how was sorry for hurting her. He was beginning to understand how his actions were hurting them. He wasn't protecting them. That was as far from the truth as was his claim that he was getting better.

"Carol," he said again. She pressed her fingers lightly against his lips.

"Shh," She hushed him. "Not now. Your doctor is waiting."

Jim staggered out of the bathroom, happy now that at least his stomach no longer churned. Ignoring Bones' scowl, Jim sat down beside him on the bed and fell back onto the comfort of his pillow with a contentment he always felt after such an episode. He clasped his hands at his chest and stared at the ceiling.

"I feel better."

"I'm sure you do, but that's one hell of a way to make yourself feel better. Jim, this needs to end now. From a medical standpoint, you are entering a crisis. Trauma is nothing that you can will away. If you don't deal with it, it will kill you."

"Sorry about the soup, Bones."

"This isn't about the soup and you know it. Listen, Jim. We don't have many options nor do we have much time. As much as I tease him, Spock is your friend and wants to help. I think he can do that. Now, do you want me to get him?"

"I don't...know. Bones, I don't know." Jim whispered, still confused.

"Another day of this, Jim, and it will be even worse. You must make your decision. You can't be malnourished and dehydrated while your body is recuperating from extreme stress and your mind battling traumatic memories. If you don't accept help I will have to declare you unfit for duty and you will admitted to a Starfleet medical facility."

Jim stood. The fight had left him, although he refused to show it. Unintentionally he staggered further away from the bed. With a frustrated growl Bones grabbed his arm and held him up.

"Sit down. I can get Spock"

Jim shook his head. "Not yet. No. Maybe not ever.'

"Jim, please," Carol exclaimed, her expression dismayed. "Don't put yourself through this."

"My past is mine alone, Carol," Jim clenched his jaw.

"It may be yours, but it's affecting all of us." McCoy stated. "You may think you have made the best choice, Jim, but if you want the truth, here it is. It is my professional opinion that unless you are willing to share your past with someone and let them help you, all the time in the world won't make a difference."

"I've gotten past it before, Bones."

"Is that what you call it?" McCoy said incredulously. "You fought, you bled, you drank yourself to oblivion, you didn't sleep, you pushed the limits, nearly died-"

"Stop it," Jim said sharply. "Just stop it. You may not think my decision is the right one, but for the sake of everyone on this ship, but maybe it would be better for me to remove myself from the Enterprise."

"I do not believe you can make any decision at all. Tell me, who else is in this room right now, Jim?"

Jim blanched. "Please, Bones, it's not like that."

"It's not? Then tell me."

"You," He forced out. "Carol."

"And?"

He looked away, wanting to hide the truth from Bones but now fully aware he had no choice. Kodos and Tom- he saw them just as clear as he saw Bones and Carol. The governor and his friend were in Tarsus, and Jim...Jim was both here and there, trying desperately to separate the two. "I..I..need...to..to..s..sit..."

Wordlessly, McCoy helped him back to the bed. "Jimmy, who is here with you?"

Jim wrapped trembling arms around his chest and stubbornly shook his head. "Carol. You...you should go."

"You know I'm doing all I can for you, Jimmy, and that includes keeping Carol here." McCoy bent at the knees, sinking in front of Jim. He peered up at him, his voice no longer sounding threatening to Jim. It was better than the orders Kodos continuously whispered in his ear. "Jimmy, you can tell us."

"They are." A feeling of relief washed over him as he admitted his secret. "Tom and Kodos."

"You can't make this choice," Bones said sadly.

"But I want to, to protect my friends."

"Please don't send yourself away," Carol cried. "Please, don't do this, Jim."

"It may be best." Jim steeled himself against her warm, comforting hands. "Until I can work through this, away from you. It's only causing you pain."

"I'm losing you," She whispered. "Your past...you're letting it defeat you. You can't see it, but we can. Don't let your past win. Please, James. I need you here. With me."

"I don't want to hurt you with what I've kept hidden. It...it's so buried, Carol, I don't know if Spock can get through to see it. It may take more than a simple mind meld."

"It may not work but then again, it might. Why can't you try? Please, Jim...I don't want to lose you."

"I don't want to lose you, either," he choked out. Her pleas cracked even more of his facade and he desperately held on what was left. "I can't live with myself when those memories surface so how can I ask any one of you to share that feeling? It's not one memory, it's many. And Spock...the emotions that I felt...all that he would directly experience because of me..and you having to see me deal with it even more..."

He took a deep breath, battling the choice again.

"How could I do that to him? To you?"

"Jim, we're your friends. You always put your health and well-being last but it's time to stop doing that. Let us help you. Spock and I know the risks. I am confident he can cope with the meld, even if he is emotionally compromised for awhile. Who knows, a few nasty human emotions may do that green blooded hobgoblin some good." Bones leaned forward. "He won't die and neither would he go insane. He'd recover. Jim, don't you see that you're hurting us even when you push us away?"

"What I have buried is so twisted and mangled...you know it is, Bones. I've been running from it for years. I've destroyed parts of myself that have only recently been restored. Friendship and love being two things I never thought I'd feel again," he spoke confidently, feeling as if he could finally explain himself clearly. "I don't want to destroy those friendships I've gained. I don't want the people I love- you, Spock, and Carol- touched by Kodos any more than you already are. I will allow you to admit me into a hospital where I will give my full cooperation and, with any luck, return to the Enterprise and my command one day in good health."

"That's your decision, then? You're certain." Bones stated carefully.

"I am," Jim said firmly, lying straight to their faces.

Bones' face hardened to stone as a cool mask slid into place. Jim sighed, knowing that it was because of his decision- he'd failed them even as he was trying desperately to spare them all.

"Don't you do this, James Tiberious Kirk."

Carol's hushed severity stunned him. He stared at her, her flushed face and glittering eyes challenging his decision.

"Don't you say that you love me and then expect me to agree with your decision." Her voice was low and urgent. "I am not going to let the man I love walk away from his crew, his friends, and me after making probably what is the worst decision of his life."

"What did you just say?"

"I'm not okay with your decision."

"No." Perhaps he hadn't heard her correctly. It may have very well been a figment of his imagination, as many of his thoughts were these days. He frowned at her. "No. The other thing."

Jim never thought of Carol as fragile, but as she took a tremulous breath, he had to brace himself against the vulnerability etched in her expression. The tears spilling over her cheeks were daggers, plunging deeply and painfully into Jim's heart.

"I love you, Jim." Her eyes filled with all of the affection she professed to him. "That's what I said. I love you."