December 2014

Lila Stangard is not a Philadelphia girl, that's for sure. She can't stand the cold. (She's from California. Lila told Rebecca one day on the roof. It's been cold since September, according to Lila, and they haven't been up there in a while.) Also, starting December 1st, Lila worries about her plans for Christmas.

"I mean, I already ditched Thanksgiving. I lied and said I was sick when I really just didn't feel like dealing with my family's shit this year," Lila frets, lying on her back on Rebecca's bed, eyes set on the ceiling. "I can't say the same for Christmas, but I don't want to fly across the country to see people that hate each other."

"Then don't," Rebecca says, and Lila's pointed look tells Rebecca that she gave the wrong advice. "What? You don't have to subject yourself to that. Save yourself the money and trouble and stay here."

"I wish. I'm sure my mother will call me within the next couple days and demand to know when exactly I plan on flying in."

Rebecca sighs. "Sorry, loser. I don't have these problems."

(Lila's father was crazy. Not like quirky crazy but like actually insane. They don't know why he went insane – and if they do, they didn't tell Lila – but he murdered a coworker before killing himself when Lila was six. Lila's mother's a bitchy, judgmental control freak that holds grudges forever, which is why she hates her siblings. Lila's siblings are all super successful overachievers minus the one in prison for – get this – drug dealing.)

Lila's eyebrows knit together. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why don't you have these problems?"

"Um, because my family's so fucked up that we don't do holidays together. Never have, never will. So I'm staying here."

"I don't think I know anything about your family."

"There's nothing to know," Rebecca says, and she tries to think of a place to start. "My parents were never married. They dated, my father knocked my mother up, and he dumped her. She raised me alone, but she didn't really care. She was a sex addict, so she brought home a lot of men. She drank quite a bit, too, and swerved off the road one night and hit a tree head on. Didn't survive that. I have no idea where my father is. My grandparents are dead – at least, on my mother's side. No siblings, my aunts, uncles, and cousins pretty much want nothing to do with me –" Rebecca stops talking, as if she just realizes everything she's said. "So I'm alone for the holidays. It doesn't matter."

"It does," Lila says quietly. Rebecca hates the way Lila's looking at her now. She hates the pity etched into Lila's features. Rebecca rolls onto her side to face Lila (Lila had shifted onto her side facing Rebecca halfway through Rebecca's story). Lila takes a deep breath and says, "I'll stay here for Christmas. With you."

"You don't have to."

"I can't stand my family. Of course I'm staying. When my mother calls, I'll just tell her I'm not coming home because I don't want to."

Rebecca doesn't argue. Instead, she turns the light off and says, "Goodnight," effectively ending the conversation.

X

Neither Rebecca nor Lila sleeps well. Rebecca's back to the Sam Keating nightmares (in this one he tries to kill both Rebecca and Lila, but Lila isn't dead – long story short, she ends up bashing Keating's skull in with some sort of trophy; Rebecca forgets by the time she wakes up). Whatever Lila's dreaming about, it can't be good. Her face is scrunched up, her hand balled into a fist, and she's murmuring incoherent words in her sleep.

(Rebecca thinks she hears 'no' and 'stop' but everything else is impossible to understand.)

"Lila," Rebecca says, shaking Lila's shoulder. "Lila, wake up. You're having a nightmare." Lila's eyes pop open, and she gets a death grip on Rebecca's bicep. "Um, ouch. Lila, let go before you leave marks."

"I was – I dreamt – you were – I couldn't –"

"You're not making any sense," Rebecca says, prying Lila's fingers off of her arm. "C'mon, loser, use your words." Lila bursts into tears, startling the hell out of Rebecca. "Jesus Christ!" Rebecca nearly shout. "What the hell's wrong?"

Lila grabs onto Rebecca's arm again (not as tight as before, so Rebecca lets her) and sobs, "You were dead. You were dead, and there was nothing I could do about it."

"Okay," Rebecca says slowly. "But I'm fine. I'm alive. So…let's calm down, alright?"

Lila pulls it together, swiping the tears away, and says, "Has anyone ever told you you're good at comforting people?"

"No."

"Good, because you are really terrible," Lila says with a small giggle. It falls silent for a while. "It was Sam," Lila whispers. "He killed you."

"Now you know how I felt."

"He wouldn't do that," Lila defends. "So I don't know why –"

"Are you sure we're not psychic or something?"

"He's not like that."

"What do you care? You two are over."

"I know."

Rebecca isn't sure why Lila sounds so sad – is it because of the nightmare or because she's not with Sam anymore? Rebecca doesn't ask.

Lila's hand is still on Rebecca's arm. She drums her fingers against Rebecca's bicep, her eyes searching Rebecca's face for – for what? Rebecca finally decides she's just going to ask why Lila's been staring so much lately. If anything, Lila will get all flustered and deny it and hopefully fall back to sleep.

Yeah, that doesn't happen.

Rebecca doesn't get the chance to open her mouth let alone speak. Lila surges forward, her left hand going to Rebecca's cheek as she crushes her lips to Rebecca's. Because while it's soft – and not as sloppy as that night Lila was shitfaced – it is definitely not gentle. (Which is funny, because Lila's always seemed so gentle, but Rebecca's not right about Lila all the time.)

Rebecca's too surprised at first to do much of anything. Lila's eyes are shut, but Rebecca has to force hers to close so she can focus and kiss back, goddamn it. Rebecca actually listens to herself, but another thought tugs at the back of her mind.

What if Lila doesn't really want this? What if she's upset and just needs someone and you're all she has? What if she needs comfort and you're so shitty at comforting people that she thought this would be better? What if she regrets this? What if – ?

Lila pulls back – and maybe Rebecca was wrong; maybe she can read minds – and breathes, "Stop being so fucking paranoid, Sutter, and kiss me."

Well, Rebecca's always been one to give Lila what she wants (most of the time). And this is something she actually wants to comply with. So she does as she's told, and she hopes her heart holds out. It pounds in her throat, and she thinks she might be feeling a little lightheaded if not faint.

She's kissing Lila Stangard.

(The thought hasn't really registered with Rebecca's brain yet. If she's not careful, she might stop breathing.)

Lila rolls onto her back and groans, "What the hell are you waiting for?"

So Rebecca takes the (not-so-subtle) hint and rolls on top of Lila. Lila yanks Rebecca down to kiss her again, and Rebecca pulls back to say, "Wow, impatient much?"

"Shut up, Becca! God, do you hate me?"

"Obvs," Rebecca mocks, but it turns into a totally unexpected groan when Lila grabs onto her ass. Lila's hands don't stay there long – they don't stay anywhere long. Lila slides her hands up Rebecca's shirt (and damn, Lila's hands are cold, but Rebecca doesn't even care; she's not even sure she's awake) and she tries to get the shirt off, but she's struggling.

Rebecca laughs and takes it off herself, tossing it aside. "You sure you've had sex before?" Rebecca teases.

"Shut up," Lila growls.

Rebecca hesitates. "You sure you want to do this?"

"God, Becca, yes. Are you really oblivious or just stupid?"

"I'm not even sure I'm awake."

Lila grins. "Oh, trust me, you are. You're so cute when you're unsure of yourself."

"I am not unsure of myself."

"You so are."

"Says the girl who's slept with, what, one person? And it was a fifty year old man."

"Forty eight, and I'm a fast learner."

Lila flips Rebecca onto her back, completely taking her by surprise, and she's right.

She's a fast learner.

X

Rebecca knows she's not dreaming, but she thinks it might be easier to handle if she was. (Well, she's dreaming, Lila's slept with a woman before without telling her – and Lila tells her everything; too much, really – or Lila is a very lucky person, because there's no way she's that good without any practice whatsoever. Lila's probably just lucky.) Rebecca wakes up in the morning and is smacked with reality.

She slept with her best friend. Like, for real.

It's going to be weird Rebecca thinks, squeezing her eyes shut. Oh my God, it's going to be so weird, and then we're just – we're done. How do I – how do I not fuck something up for once? How do I hang onto someone I don't want to lose? How do I –?

"What's going on?" Lila asks gently. "I can see your mind racing. Spill."

Rebecca grimaces.

"Oh God. You regret it, don't you?"

"What? No. No. I do not. Stop making assumptions."

"I can't help it, especially if you're going to keep whatever's going on in here," Lila waves her hand over Rebecca's head, "to yourself."

"I – I, uh –" Rebecca loses her train of thought when she realizes they're both in the same bed. Naked.

"C'mon, loser, use your words," Lila says, throwing Rebecca's words back at her. "Or wait, are you speechless? Like seriously? I'm so amazing, I made you lose your ability to speak?"

"No, I am not speechless. Give me a second to think."

"I already did."

"Well, then, move over. I can't think with you pressed up against me."

Lila giggles, wrapping her arm around Rebecca's waist. "Just what're you thinking about? It's not a hard question."

"I don't remember."

"Liar."

"It wasn't important, alright?" Rebecca assures her. "Now it's not even seven a.m. I need to sleep more."

"Well, you don't need to. You could always –"

"Trust me. After last night, I need to."