A Beautiful Letdown
Chapter 10 Humiliation
"So," Jonah smiled holding Olivia's hand against his chest, "how does is feel to be Mrs. Dr. Jonah Matthews?"
"Feels like a mouth full." She teased, kissing him softly on the mouth as they shared a pillow, "Exhilarating."
He grinned, "Enlivening."
"Really?" She blushed.
"Yeah, best move I've ever made, was getting you down that isle." He spoke softly, tracing abstract art on her thigh.
She shrugged her shoulder, "Third best move I made."
"Third!" He laughed in shock, "I'm third?"
"Well," She smiled, "You didn't hear my first choices."
"Oh, yeah…I'm not sure I want to know what I'm third to." He played wounded well.
"If you'd stop talking I could tell you." She hit his chest playfully.
"Okay…you got five seconds for damage control."
She rose up, caressed his cheeks with her hands and kissed him tenderly, "My first best decision, was waking up and going to the science museum."
He grinned against her, rested his forehead against hers and pulled her gently over his body, "And the second best move you made?"
She kissed him again, grinned as she looked at him, "Not arresting you for stalking me at said museum."
He kissed her again, nipping at her bottom lip as he rested his hands on her waist, "Not stalking…pestering."
"Whatever it was," she whispered softly, tracing his lips with her fingers, "thank you."
He rolled her gently onto her back, and she saw it, a moments hesitation…a fear, perhaps a curiosity, he kissed her deeply, traced her body with fingers, felt her moan against his lips, panting as he separated, leaving her with want. She furrowed her brow at the uneasiness in his eyes, "What is it, Jonah?"
"Your stuck with me." He whispered anything but playfully, "You know that don't you?"
She smiled up at him, "There isn't anyone else I'd rather be stuck with."
"But," he looked away, "that means…my body," he rolled away sitting on the edge of the bed looking for a shirt and frantically trying to pull it on.
She'd become accustomed to it, sometimes he was fine with it, sometimes he couldn't take the shirt off, and still there were times when he couldn't stand to even be touched, yet she looked past all of that and continued to offer a listening ear whenever he was ready, which he still hadn't accepted.
She sat up, kneeled behind him and stopped him just as he put his hands into the shirt, "Where did you just go? What happened?" She asked kissing his shoulder, as her naked breast meshed with his mutilated back. She wrapped her arms around his chest, just under his own arms.
He rested his hand over one of hers and moved it to the right side of his chest, "Doesn't it sicken you?"
"No." she whispered as she let her fingers softly memorize the area he moved her hand to, "I told you, there's nothing about you that repulses me or even comes close to making me not want to be with you."
"But my….um…the scars, how could you want this?" he whispered covering himself with the sheet. It dawned on her then that he wasn't as much concerned with the scars that made his back and chest, it was the scars on his inner thighs, on his shaft, and buttocks, it was the intimate scars that bothered him, not because they were necessarily there, but perhaps more so that they were inside of her when they made love. He cleared his throat, "If you want…to have sex…with other guys, I'd understand."
Shocked, hurt, furious that he would think she wanted someone else, she clamed herself quickly knowing why he offered, there were times when he was so nervous with her he couldn't become erect unless she calmed him down, assured him, she didn't mind. He didn't want her to suffer, for his sake. She never felt as though she was suffering.
"Listen to me." She spoke firmly as she held him, "You are the only man that I want to make love to, you're the only man I want inside of me, and I'll keep telling you that until you change your hypothesis. I love you Jonah…scars and all. I don't know what happened, I want to know, but I don't, so I'll keep telling you…I only want you." she smiled against his cheek, "That's kinda of why I married you…so I could wake up to you, make love to you, fight over the cheek book with you, and nag at you to take out the trash…I just want you…no one else." She assured him. "Besides, can I tell you something that might sound strange, but I don't want you to take it the wrong way…okay?"
He nodded his acceptance and waited for her to gather her thoughts, "I know that to you, the scars are the last thing you want, but can I tell you that…when you're inside of me, you feel really amazing."
He blushed, kissed her hand gently, "Really?"
"Most amazing feeling I've ever experienced." She grinned, kissing his cheek softly.
He kissed her hand again, "I'm sorry, I was rude to you about…you know, other guys."
"I understand," She laughed softly, "But in the future," she grinned, "Don't be so quick to pimp me out, huh?"
He laughed, reaching back to caress her face, "You even feel beautiful."
She kissed his shoulder, "You make me beautiful."
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"You caught it," Jonah shrugged, "You clean it."
"Jonah," she groaned, "The fish was fine when I pulled it out of the water…why do I have to clean it?"
He smiled at her, "Not clean, like a shower." He informed her, pulling out a large knife, "Clean as in…cut its guts out."
She stared at the large fish in front of her, brows arched, "Yeah…that's not gonna happen."
"Stop being a girl, Olivia." He scolded through a smile.
"Hello?" she waved to her body, "I am a girl."
"Yeah…a girl who caught a crap load of fish and has to clean them…start cuttin'."
"I hate you." She moaned.
He laughed, "That's not what you were saying in the tent last night." He teased stepping closer to her and tossing her a hand towel.
"Are you inferring something?" She blushed whipping down the cutting board so the towel was damp, but not so much that she couldn't keep it draped over her shoulder.
"Not inferring…just recalling that I don't think I've ever heard someone scream that loud…didn't figure I was that good." He laughed turning around.
Before she realized the consequences she'd pulled the towel off of her shoulder and rolled it tight snapping it into his back. In a split second, the man before her changed into something unrecognizable, he spun around as he reached for a fillet knife on the cutting board, and immediately closed the gap between the two of them, grabbing the towel and twisting her arm painfully behind her, the knife at her throat as he backed her into the tree.
He stared at her with eyes that weren't his as if he were daring her to move. She struggled to catch her breath, never in a million years would she have thought this would happen, "Jonah." She spoke his name calmly, but his robotic nature was not something she'd seen before. The towel was cutting the circulation off in her hand, "Jonah, baby, it's me, it's Olivia."
He squinted his eyes as if the name was familiar, but there was no lowering of the knife, no spark in the gray eyes, that once gave her peace, "Jonah, please…your hurting me." She whispered as a tear fell free, "Jonah," she whispered, "I'm your wife…please."
As if those were the magic words to pull him from his trans the knife was dropped, the towel released as he stumbled backwards, staring at her in shock, "I'm sorry."
"Jonah." She whispered stepping closer to him only to send him walking further away, "Talk to me Jonah, what happened?"
He sat immediately where his was standing, his face in his hands, "I'm sorry…I'm so sorry." She walked to him cautiously, and knelt in front of him, tilting his head to look at her, "What happened…was it the towel?"
He pressed his lips together, turned from her, "I'm sorry…I just…I just reacted, I didn't realize it was you."
She furrowed her brow, "Honey, it's just me and you out here…who did you think it could be?"
He shook his head, "Them. Them. Them."
"Who?" She asked softly, "Your scaring me, Jonah…who are you talking about." She asked sitting next to him and embracing him tightly, "Tell me."
He held her waist, "They broke me." He whispered, "They broke me."
"Who did?"
"They broke me."
"Jonah, who did?"
"They broke me."
She closed her eyes, kissed his head softly, "Come on, you need to rest." She helped him up, thinking it odd that he was usually the strong one between the two of them, but whatever that towel did to him she hated herself for not thinking it through.
She laid with him, watching him closely as he fought sleep, his hand interlaced with hers, "Jonah," she whispered, "I love you."
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Five days after having his partner's and best friends blood cover his body, he found himself in clean clothes, pink daisies in hand as he knocked softly on her hospital room door. He peeked in to see her sitting up right, staring blankly out the window.
"Hey, good lookin'." Elliot smiled walking over to her and resting the flowers on her abdomen. She made no attempt to look at him but instead reached for his hand. He sat slowly holding her hand as he had done since she'd been admitted, both staying in silence as she starred into oblivion, silent tears occasionally falling.
"Elliot?" her voice finally came through, hours later, he smiled, hearing the tambre of her voice.
"Hi." He whispered sitting on the edge of the bed.
"El," she cried softly, "I don't like it here."
He ran his knuckle over her cheek, obliterating the tear with his compassion, "I know you don't and actually, the doctors are filling out your paperwork so I can take you home."
She smiled softly and turned back to the window, silence for minutes until a confession, "I'm sorry I lied to you." She whispered.
"Olivia," he rested his hand on her abdomen near the daisies, "I won't lie…it hurt, I wanted you to trust me, I want to help you, but I understand how confused and hurt you are right now."
She turned her gaze even further from him, "I don't know what's happening to me." She whispered, "The men…it hurts more…I wish the perp was a better shot."
He shook his head softly, holding his own tears at bay. He'd known she was sleeping with people she didn't know, he'd had the uncomfortable experience of walking in just after Jonah passed, was even in the same bar, unbeknownst to her as she walked in, sat next to some curly haired ass hole and within minutes slipped away.
"I'm ashamed of myself." She whispered, still looking away, "Of what I've become…I can't look at myself in the mirror."
Elliot lowered the railing of her bed, "Come on." He told her softly, "I want to show your something beautiful."
"Where?"
"Just trust me." He smiled, helping her swing her legs over the edge of the bed, her good arm over his shoulder as he stood her to her feet and walked her over to the restroom.
"Oh, a toilet…fantastic." She muttered dryly.
"No," he laughed softly and turned her gently to the mirror on the back of the door, "this is beautiful." He whispered gently pulling her hair back so she could see herself in the mirror, "Currently a little shot up…but beautiful nonetheless."
Her eyes misted as she rested her hand on her abdomen, "I haven't felt anything yet." She whispered.
He smiled softly, "You will…let's get you back in bed, before the doctor has my butt."
She nodded softly and let him lead her, "My ass is hanging out of his gown isn't it?" she laughed softly.
"No," he assured her, "It's tied pretty good."
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"Elliot," she said still tired after just getting out of the hospital, "my house is in the opposite direction."
"I know." He responded without looking at her.
"So…where are we going?" she asked furrowing her brow, "I haven't had a shower in five days, I'd like to go home."
"We need to make a stop." He told her pulling up to the curb.
"Where are we."
"You'll find out soon enough." He told her biting his lip, avoiding her gaze. He stepped out of the truck walked to her side and helped her out before setting the alarm. He walked her through a building that looked like a typical office building with various companies here and there, "You're my best friend Olivia, and your gonna hate me for a while, but in the end, this is what's best for you."
"What are you talking about?" She furrowed her brows, stopping only because he did.
He stood by a small plaque next to the door and stared at her without saying a word until her eyes registered what his lips couldn't tell her.
"NO!" She barked, "How could you!" she hissed, "I trusted you with that information Elliot."
"Your abusing yourself, Olivia." He told her calmly, he knew she was gonna fight and he was prepared for it.
"I can't believe you." She whispered in shock, "Sex-a-holics anonymous?" She asked incredulously, "Elliot, why?"
"Because, I want what's best for you…I want you to be able to get some help for this…you know as well as I do that your putting your life in danger ever-" he was stopped immediately when she slapped him.
He took it, closed his eyes to will the sting away, "Your putting your life in danger every time you have sex with someone your don't kno-" Same hand, different side, he flared his nostrils in anger but kept himself in check, "I love you, Olivia, and your gon-" The third slap, the one where she was already crying was the one that did him in.
Elliot opened the door in anger, "Go. In. Now."
"I'm not a child!" she hissed.
"Then stop acting like one." He bit back only to feel the wrath of her palm again, "I swear if you slap me one mor-" she called his bluff, slapped him again, then turned to leave when he pulled her wrist and shocked her by slapping on a pair of handcuffs and pulling her into the room.
"You want to be stubborn?" He growled pulling her into the office where a councilor was sitting, "Fine. You want to act like a kid?" He barked forcing her to sit, unconcerned at the moment that she winced in pain as her wound collided with the back of the chair, "Fine, enjoy your time out!" he yelled clasping the free bracelet onto the chairs armrest, "I'll be back in an hour!" he pointed at her as a father would a child, "I mean it Liv, you can hate me all you want, but your not gonna ruin your life."
Elliot walked past the councilor, "I told you she was gonna be stubborn about it, don't let her just be quiet in here."
The councilor stared in shock, "I'll see what I can do."
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True to his word Elliot returned to get her one hour later; he knocked on the door waited for the councilor to allow him to come in. As soon as he entered Olivia looked away, but not before he could see that she had been crying, he looked towards the councilor, "Productive?"
"She's pissed off at you…but yeah, the last fifteen minutes she opened up a little. I'd like to see her again."
"Fine." Elliot agreed, "I'll bring her next week."
The councilor raised her brows still shocked at the scene unfolding, "Um…I'll look forward to it."
He kneeled near her as the doctor left, "I know your angry."
"I hate you."
"No you don't." he whispered unlocking the cuffs and watching her rise in anger…shame. "Come on." He whispered placing his palm at the small of her back only to have her pull away.
"Do. Not. Touch. Me." She bit out as they walked out of the office.
He exhaled, withdrew his hand and bowed his head as he followed her outside of the building, "Trucks this way." He informed her unlocking the door.
"I'll take a cab." She barked.
Frustrated he trotted to the truck as she hailed a cab. He opened the passenger side and ran back to her as a cab pulled up. "I said," he barked picking her up by her waist and dragging her back to the vehicle, "that the damn truck is this way." He growled forcing her in like she were a perp then slamming the door and pointing at her as he walked around to his side of the truck, "Stop being stubborn!"
"Obstinate." She muttered.
He slid in next to her, started the truck and pulled away from the curb, "I already ordered food, it should be at your house by the time we get there." He informed her calmly as if she hadn't just slapped the crap out of him an hour ago, as if he didn't have to handcuff her to a chair or drag her from a cab into his truck.
"I'm not hungry."
"Well tough shit, your gonna eat."
"Ass."
"Me? You're the one who's being as stubborn as an ass," He informed her, "So I think that makes you the ass."
She exhaled, accepted defeat, "Whatever."
"Yeah," he shook his head, "Whatever."
They rode in silence, both irritated with the other, as he pulled into her driveway. He got out and helped her out, surprised that she actually let him, but her right arm was useless and she needed help to get out of a raised truck.
He walked with her up the path, he took the mail out of her box, "When was the last time you checked the mail, Liv?"
"Does it matter?" she muttered.
"Well, the electric company probably thinks so." he said holding up a twenty-four hour notice.
He used the key she'd given him to unlock the door and help her into the house, "Where does this go?" he asked referring to the mail.
She pointed to the counter where there must have been three months of unopened bills laying there. He groaned and tossed the added paper before hearing a knock at the door. "Why don't you put some comfortable clothes on…call me if you need help." He instructed.
"Whatever." She rolled her eyes and made her way back to her room.
Elliot shook his head in irritation, answered the door, handed the pizza boy thirty dollars, telling him to keep the change for the sole purpose of not dealing with him at the moment. He tossed the pizza on the counter and rummaged around her kitchen drawers for the spare checkbook he knew she kept there when he watched the house.
He grabbed two plates, and paper towels putting them on the table next to the checkbook and sodas he found in the refrigerator, but when he hadn't heard anything from her he walked down the hall rapping softly on the door, "You okay, Liv?"
He heard her sniffling and he assumed she was probably licking her wounds but when a labored gasp came out he opened the door slowly seeing her struggle with her top, "Liv-"
"Leave me alone." She snapped trying to get the shirt off but it was obviously caught.
"I'm coming in."
"I don't need you."
"Shut up." He told her softly, memorizing her position and shutting off the lights.
"Oh great…now how am I suppose to do this?" she growled.
"Shut up." He told her again, making his way to her, "I just didn't think you would want me to see you naked, I'm trying to be a nice guy here Liv…will you give me a break?" he told her finally reaching her and helping her take the shirt off, "Where's the shirt you want to wear?"
"Foot of the bed." She whispered.
He felt for it blindly but found it, "All right, your arm please?"
"Ell-"
"Liv, stop arg-"
"Elliot!" she cut him off, "Can you please unhook my bra!" she braked in frustration, "I cant do it…I need…I need help." She whispered.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off." He assured her, "Is it hurting you?"
"Yes."
"Alright," he touched her softly, felt for the strap and unhooked it allowing it to slide off of her body on one side, as he more delicately lead it off of her other side, "You want the shirt now?"
"Yes…please."
He stayed behind her, dressing her carefully, trying to allow her the most modesty he could, "Pants?"
"Flannels…foot of the bed."
"Alright, can you push yours down?"
"Can you unbutton them please?" she asked, words coated in humiliation.
"No prob." He tried to sound undaunted but the absurd truth was that just touching her bare skin was arousing. He unhooked her pants quickly and turned his back, "All right I'm turned."
She stepped out of her clothes, held out a clean pair of underwear and pulled them up with one hand side by side before stepping into her flannels and repeating the same motion, "I'm done."
"Good," he smiled flipping on the light, "lets eat."
"I'm not hungry."
"I didn't ask if you were…I said lets eat." He reminded her, "Sit."
"What am I? A German Shepard?"
"Na," He grinned sliding the check book over to her, "Your much too stubborn, pit bull is more your breed."
She exhaled, "What am I suppose to do with this?" She asked irritated as she held up the checkbook.
Elliot took a bite of his pizza and pulled the first bill from the pile, "I don't know, how about paying your MasterCard bill."
"I don't want to pay my master card bill!"
"One Twenty Seven." He read her the balance due, "Mostly late fees, start writing."
She slammed her hand on the pin and struggled to grip it in her non-dominate hand. He watched her write slowly, carefully, the concentration on her face as she willed the pen to move in her hand. She pulled the check out carefully, with her hand to which he simply put it in the envelope and set it aside.
"Next one," he opened another bill, "Ah, you owe the electric company, six eighty seven, damn, turn down the AC."
She pressed her lips together starting over again only to mess up on her own signature, frustrated she slammed the pen back down, "I'm done."
"Not according to your Capital One statement."
"Elliot! Leave me alone!" She barked pushing the checkbook away.
"Olivia, why are you being so hard?"
"Because I hate myself!" she finally screamed standing up, "I hate who I am! Is that what you want to hear me say? I wish you had let me die!" she barked bowing her head and pinching her nose.
"Come on." He spoke softly, compassionately to a woman obviously broken. He'd laid the foundation of tough love; it was time for the soothing balm of gentleness. He brought her back to the table, put the cheek book back in front of her, "Just sign your name to about fifteen checks, I'll fill in the rest."
She picked up the pen again and began the tedious work that was her name. Fifteen minutes later she was done. Elliot found himself happy that she willingly ate a slice of pizza without him demanding it even if she did it in silence. When she was done she simply stared at the plate.
"All done?" he asked softly.
"Yeah…I'm a little tired."
"Okay, lets get you off to sleep then." He smiled helping her up, "Do you want a pain killer?"
"No."
"Okay," he agreed pulling her blankets back, "I'll just be in the other room if the pain gets bad, holler for me."
"Okay." She muttered allowing him to help her into the bed and pull the covers over her.
"Night Liv." He said as if they hadn't been fighting tooth and nail for the last several hours.
"Night."
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Elliot squinted at the alarm clock that told him it was two O'clock in the morning. He didn't know exactly what had woken him until the faint moan came again.
"El?"
He rubbed his eyes as he got out of the bed walking down the hall to her room, "Liv? You okay?"
"No…it hurts so bad." She moaned.
"Okay," he told her softly leaving her room and retrieving her medication and water before coming back to her, "sort of sucks that you can't take anything remotely helpful 'cause of the baby, the doc's gave you this though." He informed her.
"No…I can't, it's not good for the baby." She shook her head.
That was the first time she'd ever actually consciously made a good decision for the baby, he hoped that was a good sign. When she winced and took in a deep breath he sat on the edge of the bed, "What can I do for you?"
"It hurts." She winced again, "Please help me sit."
He picked her up slowly, allowing her to lean into him, "I don't know why, but my whole body hurts."
"Liv…you were shot, the paramedics, did all sorts of cruel things, the doctors poked and prodded…your gonna be hurting." He informed her stroking her back softly.
"Ugh, I wish I had a hospital bed, so I could sleep like this."
"Well, here, sit up." He told her letting her gain her balance as he situated himself behind her, legs spread so she could lean back, "Here, lean against me."
"The whole night?" she laughed softly.
"The whole night." He assured her, "Come on." He gently pulled her back to him and allowed her to rest, "Better?"
"Much…thank you."
"Welcome."
"No." she sniffled.
"No?"
"I mean…thanks for everything, the flowers, the dinner…the SA meeting." She whispered.
"Did it help you?" he asked softly.
She exhaled, "I don't know…but maybe…I should give it another try?"
He kissed the crown of her head adoringly, "I'm glad to hear you say that."
"El?"
"Yeah?"
"I…I don't hate you, I'm sorry I said that." She whispered.
"I know you don't hate me…your frustrated, I get it…but if you ever slap me again, I may have to slap you back." He teased her.
She smiled softly, "I'm sorry, I slapped you…I…I don't know what's going on with me…I don't know what to do."
He softly embraced her waist, "You take one thing at a time…lean back and go to sleep." He whispered.
She leaned back, resting her head on his shoulders, "Ugh."
"What? Hurts?"
"No," she exhaled, "I'm sorry…I haven't had a bath in a while, doctors couldn't' give me one 'cause of the stitches."
He chuckled softly, "I think your great."