Disclaimers: 'Castle' still isn't mine. However, the story is.

Summary: With Dr. Burke's guidance, Castle tells Kate about the night and morning of Jackson's birth.

A/N #1: There will be one chapter after this to wrap everything up.

A/N #2: This chapter will have flashbacks to the day of Jack's birth.

A/N #3: For the reviewer who asked if I was a therapist, the answer is no. However, I probably need therapy.

Chapter 10: Fears and Revelations

February

Kate

"Has he told you anything?" Kate was nervously pacing around Dr. Burke's office on a cold, rainy February afternoon.

"Even if Castle had told me anything, Kate, you know that I can't discuss that with you," he told her quietly. "Why don't we talk about what you remember about that night?"

"I've already told you that I don't remember anything. One minute, I was looking at my newborn son, and then I woke up."

"What did your doctor tell you?"

"She said that there was a condition with my placenta that she was never aware of until after she delivered Jack. I was told that I was given several units of blood before they were able to get everything under control. She told me that Castle would explain everything else to me. But, so far he hasn't."

"What does Castle say when you ask him about Jack's birth?"

"At first, he said that he'd tell me everything as soon as he can work it all out in his own head."

"You said that he told you that at first. What does he tell you now?"

"Now, he just changes the subject. I know that he was scared. I found a video on his phone," she came over and sat down in a chair.

"What kind of video?"

"He was holding Jackson in the nursery and he makes a comment that we're never doing this again."

"Doing what again? Having another child?"

"Yeah. When he saw that I'd heard the video, he told me that he had meant to delete it before I saw it."

"What has your doctor told you about having another baby?"

"She says that we can have another baby. She says that everything that happened during Jack's pregnancy and birth was most likely due to all of the stress with Bracken's trial. She said that the likelihood of that happening again is almost zero."

"But, Castle isn't as sure?"

"I don't know. We haven't talked about having another child. Like he said, Jack is only a month old. We have plenty of time to discuss having more kids."

"How would you feel about having more kids?"

"After my mom died," Kate's voice cracked, "I never thought about the idea of being a mom. I never thought that I could do it without her. And I never was with a man that I could imagine as being the father of my kids. After I fell in love with Rick, we talked about one day having kids. He'd told me once that he wanted the option, but I wasn't sure if he was serious or not. After all, he had a grown daughter when we got together. I wasn't sure if he'd want to start all over from scratch with a baby. And I'd never so much as changed a diaper before I met him."

"But, you want more kids, don't you?"

"I love Rick," she smiled. "For the first time in my adult life, I'd like a life as a mom. I feel so complete when I take care of Ari and Jack. When I see Rick playing with Ari, my heart just feels so . . . full. He's such a great dad. Before I started liking him that was one of the things that I noticed about him. He was so great with Alexis."

"When I talk to Rick tomorrow, I'll set things up for the two of you to come in so that he can talk to you about what happened that night. I think he wants to tell you; he's just worried about letting his emotions get the best of him. I can help him with that."

"I know that you can," she smiled, remembering how Dr. Burke had helped her through the minefield that had been her PTSD.

"So, let me talk to him and I'll call you," he said, as their session came to an end.

It was bitterly cold when Kate stepped out of the office building. She pulled up the collar of her coat before pulling out her cell phone. Castle answered on the second ring. "Castle," his familiar voice came over the line.

"Hi. I'm leaving Dr. Burke's office and was wondering if you wanted me to pick up anything for lunch."

"I'm in the mood for a turkey on rye."

"One turkey on rye, it is. How's Jack?"

"He just had a bottle and is now asleep. Helen has taken Ariel to the Children's Museum."

"Oh, she loves that," Kate smiled. "Let me go to the deli and I'll be home in about half an hour."

"Okay. I love you."

"Love you, too. See you soon."

Castle was in his office writing when Kate walked into the loft a short time later. She put the deli bag on the counter before going into his office and stopping beside the bassinet in the corner to straighten Jack's blanket before walking behind her husband's chair. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him on the cheek. He saved his document and closed the laptop before swiveling his chair around toward her. "Hi," he grinned, pulling her closer for a longer kiss.

"Hi. Lunch is in the kitchen. Let's eat," she stepped back and grabbed his hand, slowly pulling him from his chair.

Sitting at the table minutes later, Kate found herself smiling while she watched Castle eat. His eyes were closed in contentment as he enjoyed his turkey on rye. Kate had learned early on how he liked his deli sandwiches. She knew that he liked turkey on rye with thinly sliced tomatoes, and spicy mustard. "You're not eating?" He opened his eyes, noticing her still-wrapped sandwich.

"I was enjoying the show," she gave him a bright smile before unwrapping her own tuna on whole wheat with lettuce and tomatoes.

"You know that you love me," he returned her grin.

"Yes, I do."

"So, how did it go today?" He asked, taking a bite of his pickle.

"We talked about the night that Jack was born. Or, I should say we were talking about what I remembered."

"Kate, I'm going to tell you—"

"Castle, it's okay. Dr. Burke said that he'll discuss everything with you during your session tomorrow. I told him about the video."

"Kate—"

"Again, it's okay. I understand that you were scared."

"Babe, there aren't enough adjectives for the word scared to describe how I was feeling that night."

Every time he so much as mentioned what had happened in the early morning hours of January 9, his eyes would get a haunted look in them. It always made her wonder just what it was that Dr. Caldwell hadn't told her. So, instead she concentrated on her own sandwich, waiting for the tension to let up once again. Things had finally been getting better lately. She didn't want to do anything to ruin that now. "What time is Helen bringing Ari back home?" She asked, changing the subject to their daughter.

"She said between four and five. She said that depending on how tired they are, she might take the kids for pizza after."

"She's going to have three kids dragging her through the Children's Museum. She's probably not going to have the energy to breathe, much less go for pizza afterwards."

"You're probably right. Have you talked to Gates about returning to work?"

"No, I figured that I'd call her after I see Dr. Caldwell at the end of the week. Castle, I'd love to take as much leave as I did when I had Ari, but I can't."

"I know. And it's okay," he took her hand and squeezed it.

Later that evening, Kate was upstairs in the nursery rocking Jack to sleep. Staring into the sleeping face of her small son, she thought back to the day of his birth.

January 7 (the night before the induction)

"How long are you going to be gone?" Ari asked her mother, as Kate bundled her into her coat and mittens so that Rick could take her over to Kevin and Jenny's, where she was going to stay during Kate's hospital stay.

"I should be home the day after tomorrow."

"Are you going to miss me?"

"I'm going to miss you very much. I'll try to call you tomorrow to talk to you. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Be good for Uncle Kevin and Aunt Jenny. I'll see you in a couple of days. I love you."

"I know," she said as Kate grinned.

Kate was reading on the couch when Castle returned from the Ryan's after dropping Ari off. She watched him as he removed his coat and scarf, hanging them carefully in the closet before coming to join her on the couch. She gasped when he put his cold hands on her huge stomach. "Castle, your hands are cold!" She protested.

"That's what I have you for. To warm them up," he kissed her as his hands stroked her stomach. "Besides, I was trying to wake Jack up."

"Castle, I'm scared," she admitted, biting her lip.

"Hey, it's going to be okay," he was quick to assure her. "Just think that by this time tomorrow night, he'll be here and he'll be safe."

"I've been having the most god-awful nightmares. If something goes wrong, Castle, I'll never forgive myself for what I've done these last months. If something happens, I won't blame you for hating me—"

"Stop," he admonished her. "Everything's going to be fine. Yeah, it's been a bumpy road getting him here, but we're almost at the finish line. I know that nothing has been easy when it comes to you and me, but not everything can be difficult. We have to catch a break sometime."

"Do you remember how great everything was when Ari was born? I was so scared because I didn't know what to expect, but she was so textbook perfect. Do you really think it'll be that way with Jack?"

"I think once the doctor gets those drugs going into you, it's going to be even better than it was with Ariel. After all, from everything that I've read, all of the subsequent babies after the first one are supposed to come quickly."

"Oh, you're saying that everything you've read says that I'm all stretched out down there?" She couldn't resist teasing him.

"Sweetheart, I've made love to you several hundred times since Ariel's birth. Everything is exactly as it's always been," he kissed her neck.

"Because if it isn't, I can always get things tucked," he pulled away with a look of horror that caused Kate to burst out laughing.

"Don't you dare!"

January 8

They arrived at the hospital for the induction shortly after seven for the eight a.m. procedure. After filling out paperwork, they were told to have a seat. At 7:45 an orderly came to take Kate up to the L&D floor with Castle following dutifully behind. A nurse met them in the room. "Change into this and I'll help you get settled. Dr. Caldwell is running a little late, but she'll be here as soon as she can."

"I can't wear my own gown?" Kate looked at the backless hospital gown in disgust.

"After the birth. Right now, its better that you wear the hospital gown."

Kate didn't say anything. She went into the bathroom and changed before returning to the room. The nurse helped her into the bed and covered her with a thin blanket. "We should've brought our comforter from home," Kate looked at Castle.

"If you're cold, I can bring you another blanket," the nurse told them.

"Let me see. It's January, it's snowing, and I'm in an air-conditioned hospital room, so yeah, another blanket would be great," Kate said sarcastically.

"She's a little uptight," Castle apologized to the nurse.

"I understand. I'll be right back."

"Don't apologize for me, Castle."

"Kate, it's going to be okay," he sat down in a chair and took her hand.

9:15 a.m.

It was after nine when Dr. Caldwell arrived. "I apologize for being late. I had a delivery to attend to. How are you doing this morning?"

"Scared, nervous, take your pick."

"Okay, we're going to get the Pitocin started in just a few minutes. At first, I'll start you on a slow drip. I'll be increasing the drip every hour. Now, you can walk around the room once I start the IV, but you and the baby will need to be on a monitor, so you won't be able to walk around the halls. Are you going to want an epidural?"

"I don't know. I didn't need one with Ari, so I really don't want one this time, either."

"Okay. You have a huge window to decide on the epi. So, let's see how things go and we'll talk about that again later. Are you ready?"

"I've been ready."

"Okay, let's get this show on the road."

Kate hated needles. She always had. She closed her eyes and gripped Castle's hand when the IV needle bit into the back of her hand. "It's in, Kate," she opened her eyes and met Castle's steady blue gaze. "Just think, we're going to have a baby soon."

"Well, not soon," Dr. Caldwell was quick to correct them, "but probably sometime today. Okay, the drip is going, Kate."

"How long will it take before it starts working?"

"Not too long. I'll come to check on you in just a little while."

11:00 a.m.

So far, the contractions had been fairly mild, not much worse than the cramps she sometimes experienced during her periods. They were coming every 15 minutes and lasting just a short time. Castle helped her to remember her breathing and was there to make her laugh or just give her words of love and encouragement.

Dr. Caldwell stepped in and shooed Castle from the room so that she could examine Kate, who bit her lip and endured the woman at the other end of the bed feeling around inside her most private parts. "I hope you're planning on buying me dinner since you're becoming more intimate with me down there than my husband is."

"I'll buy you a pizza after you have this baby," Dr. Caldwell stood up, peeling off her gloves and disposing of them. She then walked over and examined the strips of white paper that were spilling from the monitors. "So far, you and the baby are tolerating the labor well."

"How far am I dilated?"

"You're at three. You've got a long way to go."

February

'A long way to go' had been a massive understatement. She didn't dilate to four until late in the afternoon and that was only after the doctor turned up the drip. "I know that it was nice and warm in there, Jackson, but you really started to scare me and daddy."

January 7

5 p.m.

It had been an endlessly long day. Kate was dozing with a wet cloth on her forehead. One of the side effects of the Pitocin was severe headaches, and right now, she felt like hers was in a vice grip. She groaned as a contraction rippled through her. "Oooohhh," she gripped Castle's hand as he watched her stomach tighten up with the force of the contraction.

"Breathe, Kate," he whispered to her.

"Why is it taking so long? Why is he being so stubborn?"

"Maybe he's decorating," he told her as she opened her eyes to glare at him. "Maybe that's why he wanted out so early before. It was probably boring to him."

"So, what're you telling me, Castle? That our son has created a man-cave in my uterus?"

"Sure. He probably has a big-screen TV and a Blu-Ray player in there with him," he said as she couldn't help but grin at him.

"Right now, I'm pretty sure that he's playing handball. It hurts, Castle. I don't remember it hurting this bad the first time."

He hated seeing her in pain. Seeing her in pain always took him back to the first time he'd seen her following her shooting. While he'd been so happy to see her alive and talking to him, he could see how badly she was hurting. He'd just wanted to take her into his arms and hold her until the pain went away. That's what he wanted to do now. Just hold her until she stopped hurting.

February

Dr. Burke's office

"Kate, Rick and I talked yesterday at length about what happened the morning of Jackson's birth. He wants to tell you, but he doesn't want you to interrupt him or ask any questions until after he's done. Okay?"

"Okay," Kate looked over at Castle, who looked so pale and nervous that it scared her.

"You have the room, Rick."

"It seemed that everything went downhill when the calendar changed to the ninth. When you went to your first appointment after you took the test, we were given a February due date. We weren't even concerned about that date," he took a deep breath as he remembered back to that night. "We thought that we were going to skate past it."

January 9

After midnight

"I didn't want to have him today," tears ran down Kate's face as the doctor once again removed her gloves and disposed of them. "You told me that he'd be born within a few hours. You told me that I wouldn't have to have him on the ninth. You promised!" Kate knew that she sounded like a petulant child, but she couldn't help it.

"Kate, I know that you're tired, but what you have to keep in mind is that every pregnancy is different. In a perfect pregnancy, you would've had him quickly. Now, you've been in labor for 15 hours. Do you want to see if you start progressing or do you want us to go in and get him?"

"Do you think that I could start progressing?"

"Possibly."

"But, you don't think so?"

"Honestly, no. But, for right now, both you and Jackson are still tolerating the labor, despite the fact that you're exhausted. I want to avoid a c-section for the time being, but Kate, I also don't want to wait so long that you or the baby could be endangered."

February

"So, you were assured that everything was okay?" Dr. Burke asked.

"Yeah. Dr. Caldwell told me that Kate was exhausted, but she said that both hers' and Jack's heart rates were fine. So, Kate and I talked about it and we decided to wait a few more hours. We were hoping that she'd dilate further."

"When did you notice problems?" Dr. Burke asked as Kate's eyes snapped up.

"What problems?"

"Kate," he quietly warned her.

"Uh, it was about six o'clock, I guess. Every time Kate had had a contraction since the drip had been started, I looked at the monitor. The numbers had stayed the same until six o'clock. Jack's numbers were still okay," he looked at Kate, "but your blood pressure seemed to be getting higher. Not alarmingly high, but enough so that I asked one of the nurses."

"What did she tell you?" The doctor asked.

"She said that it was nothing to worry about. But she said that she'd let the doctor know. Dr. Caldwell came in and looked at the printouts. That was when she put something else in the IV."

"It was supposed to lower Kate's BP?"

"Yeah, that's what she told us."

"When did you notice that Jack's heart rate wasn't bouncing back?"

"It was about an hour, maybe an hour and a half after she started the other medication. At first she said that it could be because he was sleeping. She told Kate to rub on her abdomen to wake him up and get him to move."

"Did that work?"

"For a little while. It was a little after nine that morning when she said that she wanted to go ahead and deliver him. I was relieved. I just wanted for him and Kate to be okay."

"What happened after the delivery?" Burke asked, cutting to the chase.

"At first, everything was great. Kate and I were laughing over how big Jackson was. The usual stuff that you go through after having a baby. But, then . . . it just got so noisy. That's when I saw Kate. She was so white. I heard the doctor yelling, but nothing made any sense and then they made me leave. I just wanted to stay with Kate."

"What were you thinking when they made you leave?"

"That I was losing her again."

"Again?" Dr. Burke looked at him before looking over at Kate, who had her face buried in her hands.

Of course. 'I watched you die in that ambulance. Did you know that?' She could still remember his words from that fall afternoon so many years ago. When he'd been so angry at her for pulling her three-month long vanishing act.

"It seemed like it was forever before she came out to talk to me. I got to see the baby and hold him. But all I could think about was the fact that I couldn't do this alone again. I didn't want to do this alone again."

"How long was it before the doctor came out to talk to you?"

"I don't know. Maybe an hour, maybe longer. I lost track of time. She told me that Kate had some problems after the placenta was delivered. She said that her uterus wouldn't contract like it should have. She said that her heart stopped—" he paused as his voice choked up, "—but that they were able to shock it back into rhythm. She had to have six units of blood before they were able to get things under control."

"But all that you heard was that she'd died again?"

"Yeah. Everything else was just white noise. I heard that she'd died and this time I didn't get to say anything."

"What do you mean; you didn't get to say anything?"

"When she got shot that day that was the first time that I ever told her that I love her," he looked over at Kate. "Since we got together, I make it a point of saying it to her every day. But, that morning, I didn't. I could've lost you and you never would've known—"

"Oh, Castle," she got up and rushed into his arms, throwing her arms around his neck as she sobbed on his shoulder. "I would've known."

"I'm going to leave you two alone for a few minutes," Dr. Burke got up and discreetly stepped from the room.

"I didn't want the doctor to tell you," tears ran down his face, soaking into Kate's shirt. "I didn't want you to ever know that you'd died giving birth to our son. But, that morning has been haunting me."

"I'm here, Castle. I thought that you were angry at me for what I did during the pregnancy."

"I was, but after what happened, that didn't matter anymore. I love you so much."

"I love you, too," she pulled away and gently kissed him. "Do you feel better now that you've gotten it off of your chest?"

"Yeah."

"I never wanted to take you back to that morning in the cemetery."

"Well, while the memories of that morning are awful, they did lead us to where we are now."

"Yeah, they did. When is Alexis bringing the kids home?"

"This afternoon. Why?"

"Oh, I was just thinking that I might take a certain ruggedly handsome author home and show him just how much I love him."

"You're planning on calling Connelly?" He teased as she slapped him. "Oh, you're talking about me."

"Of course I'm talking about you, silly," she brushed her thumbs over his cheeks, wiping his tears away before kissing him again. "We're going to be okay, Castle."

A/N #4: One more chapter after this that will have a time jump of a year. It will wrap everything up nicely.