The awkward moment when I promise you a quick update and don't update for several weeks...
For those of you who noticed that I posted this chapter once and then removed it, I'm sorry. I posted the original chapter 10 in haste. I was trying to simply push out a chapter that had no inspiration. I was trying to push out anything just to get a chapter out since I hadn't updated in so long (I've been suffering a slight case of writers block lately). The chapter was horrible. It was short and boring, it skipped too much time and generally left very much to be desired.
This chapter is deserving of a place in my story that I've spent so much time on and I hope that you enjoy it. Thank you for your patience.
Love . Nicolette
[Ps - Keep in mind the last chapter ended in June of Year 4]
Year 4
[September]
Katniss' POV
"Do you want help?"
"No!" I snap back as quickly as I can. It's only the thirteenth time he's asked. My arms are absolutely killing me, but I won't give him the satisfaction of taking part in another loaf of bread. This one will be perfect and every inch of it's perfection will happen solely because of me.
I honestly never knew that kneading bread was such hard work. Stretching the bread out required both hands and a never ending pressure against the counter-top. Stopping every few moments to pound my fist into the mound a few times before flipping it over and doing it all over again.
About a month ago I had stood silent in the doorway to the kitchen. I stood still for a good 20 minutes, simply watching him knead dough for our bread. He didn't know that I was watching him, but I literally couldn't take my eyes off of him.
That was probably the first time that I felt it. A strange sensation creeping over me, not unlike the feelings that I had begun to feel for him before was hijacked by the Capitol, but somehow still very different. A feeling that started out as a strange pressure against my chest, as if something were slowly growing inside of it, pressing against my rib cage, fighting to get free. I didn't realize then what it was, all I knew was that it had everything to do with Peeta. All I knew was that I loved the feeling and yet was absolutely terrified of it. It reminded me of the feeling I would get when I would find Prim with her shirt untucked in the back, a feeling of warmth that reminds you of exactly who the person in front of you is and reminds you what they mean to you.
Simply watching him knead dough, and knowing that he'd done it pretty much his entire life. That this was an art-form that to me, was uniquely Peeta. That this was Peeta, the boy with the bread, the baker's son. Peeta Mellark. Made me feel the same way I feel about Prim. Protective. Happy. Surreal.
Watching the muscles of his arms and back flex and relax, over and over while he stretched the firming dough with his hands. Pushing out any air pockets. Flipping the dough over and starting the process again. The tiny smile plastered on his face, showing how much he enjoys his work.
He had made it look effortless.
My arms, however, feel like they're about to fall off at any moment. I know that I probably won't be able to finish kneading without his help. But I grit my teeth and push on, I've talked way too much smack to turn back and ask for help now.
I realize that while I was day dreaming about Peeta kneading bread, I've been ignoring the present Peeta right behind me. And when I look over my shoulder to glance at him, I see a dark look in his eyes. A look that's beginning to be very familiar to me. A look that immediately makes heat begin to pool between my legs.
He moves behind me before I have time to turn around. His hands come up to rest on the tops of my arms. He glides his hand along my skin slowly, as if warming me from an unknown cold.
My eyes close as he presses himself against my back. I feel his warm breath beat against my skin, teasing me. The anticipation is as good as abusive, but somehow I resist the urge to pull his head down to my skin with my flour covered hands. Finally his lips come into contact enough to brush the skin below my jaw and I sigh in relief. He moves them gingerly up to the spot where my neck meets me jaw, then pulls away to plant a soft kiss against my temple as his hand moves up to smooth a tuft of hair behind my left ear. I realize that my hands have stopped their movements upon the dough, and suddenly don't care in the slightest how this loaf of bread turns out. I tilt my head to the side to allow him greater access to the sensitive skin of my neck. Sending him a silent plea for attention there. He quickly complies.
"You're so beautiful." He whispers and a shiver runs down my spine at the feeling of his warm breath against my ear. I swear a day hasn't gone by that he hasn't said those words to me since I told him I was ready to be with him. I feel him nip at my ear with his teeth before pulling the lobe deep into his mouth. My eyes flutter open and then close again. I hear my throat let out an involuntary sound of appreciation and move my head back to rest against his shoulder.
His hands move down to my waist and I grip the side of the counter with my hands as he slowly begins to slide one hand underneath the hem of my shirt. The feeling of his fingers sliding against the skin of my stomach sends an electric current pulsating throughout my body. His hand continues it's ascent until he brushes the underside of my breast with the tips of his fingers.
"Peeta-"
My voice sounds foreign and coarse. He breaths a shallow groan against my neck, then begins brushing his lips slowly back and forth against it. While doing this he presses his hips tighter against me, effectively trapping me between him and the dough covered counter. I almost come unglued at the feeling of his arousal pressed flush against me and move myself against him, receiving something that sounds like a growl to erupt from Peeta's throat.
His lips sink lower until they reach the collar of my loose-fitting shirt. Here he grips the sleeve with his teeth, pulling it down, exposing the skin of my shoulder. My breathing becomes erratic as he begins assaulting this skin too with tiny, warm nips from his teeth. My arm snakes up to thread my fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck, pushing his mouth harder against my skin.
His hand has been teasing the underside of my breast for so long and his movements against my body have made me so delirious with need that I finally reach my own hand underneath my shirt, grabbing his hand and guiding it to cover my bare breast. Peeta's mouth goes slack for a moment and I feel a gush of air escape his lips against the overheated skin of my neck. He hesitates for a moment and then quickly brushes his thumb against my nipple. Causing it to immediately pebble. The feeling sends a shock through my body and I buck back against his arousal. He grunts and grips me tighter to him for a moment biting down hard onto my neck causing another moan to erupt from my throat. I reach back to place my hand against the outside of Peeta's leg and begin to slide it towards the hard lump in his pants...
...and then it happens.
The same damn thing that's been happening every time Peeta and I have had an exchange like this since we've been a couple.
Peeta takes a deep breath and gently pulls away from me. His hand snakes out from underneath my shirt and he uses his other hand to pull my hand away from him. I rip my hand from his before he can try to calm me with it.
I know exactly what he's doing and I can't help the anger that surges through my veins. I turn quickly, my hands clenched into fists at my side. I get the now familiar rainbow of emotions almost immediately. Feeling rejection, since he obviously doesn't want to continue what we were just doing. Embarrassment, that he obviously wasn't enjoying it as much as I was. Realization that he initiated the scene in the first place. And finally, anger that he continues to do it to me, again and again.
Whatever look that Peeta sees on my face causes him to frown. He understands exactly what he's doing to me, and it makes me even more angry.
"I'm sorry Katniss." He whispers. "I just want-"
"To take it slow." I say in a mocking tone, bringing my fingers up to make quotes in the air before throwing them back down to my sides, gripping my apron until my knuckles go white. "It's been nearly six months Peeta. I don't want to hear about it anymore. Stop coming over to me if you aren't going to finish what you start."
I hear him sigh behind me and turn to walk out of the kitchen. Yes, I understand the words that he says when he's rejecting me.
No, I don't want to continue 'taking it slow'. My hands begin to move against the dough with renewed fervor, imagining the dough is Peeta Mellark's face.
xoxo
Year 4
[December]
Katniss's POV
As hard as it is to believe, my life has been pretty amazing lately.
I finish tying the end of my now ridiculously long braid and stop for a moment to look at myself in the mirror. I can't help but think I look quite a bit healthier than I did a few months ago. The circles under my eyes are still there, but not nearly as prominent. My hair seems shinier. My skin seems softer. My cheeks hold color now. I've been eating a lot better thanks to Peeta. Maybe a little bit too well. Any bones that may have been protruding earlier this year are pretty much nonexistent now. I turn sideways a bit to admire some of the curves that I swear were never there before, when I realize how ridiculous I'm being.
It wouldn't matter how good I look. Peeta is oblivious. I see my eyes darken a bit and try not to get angry at something so small when literally everything else in my life is perfect.
There's only one small problem in my paradise.
His name is Peeta.
I had no idea that any rules about 'taking it slow' with Peeta would have gone on this long.
Do you even understand what it's like to be a woman and to be rejected by the same virgin man, who also happens to be your boyfriend, for over half a year? I can't even fathom what kind of girl could receive that much rejection and keep coming back for more.
But I can fathom her, she's in the mirror in front of me.
He wanted to take things slow. I could understand this, what I can't understand is taking it this ridiculously, infuriatingly, absolutely insanely slow.
He wants a 'real' relationship. He wants to date and woo and visit and hold hands and cuddle. And apparently, not. Have. Sex.
He says that he wants to keep things the way they are now for now. He says he doesn't want to push things too quickly and ruin them.
But most importantly he wants to know that I'm not going to bolt again. That I won't just have sex with him, and then someday change my mind and leave him.
Basically he's holding me prisoner, by withholding sex.
No matter how many times I tell him it isn't necessary, no matter how much I reassure him that I'm not leaving any time soon [Which I changed to 'not leaving ever' after he took my statement as affirmation that I will leave someday...], no matter how much I beg and plead and cry and scream.
He refuses.
He says he doesn't feel like he deserves to take away something from me if I'm not 100% sure. And when I say I'm 100% sure he simply says he doesn't think I am.
It's a never-ending, absolutely maddening cycle.
I was relieved and terrified when I learned that Peeta hadn't done anything more than share a few chaste kisses with Delly the entire time that they were together. They didn't even share a bed to sleep. Not once.
I was relieved because the thought of Peeta and Delly together had kept me awake at night more than once while they were together. So to hear that basically nothing at all had happened between them made me feel about a million times better almost instantly.
Then I realized.
They were together for almost two years! And didn't do a. damn. thing.
If Peeta thinks I'm willing to wait two years, he's absolutely, irrevocably out of his mind. I'm honestly already upset that he's forced us to wait this long. The truth is...
I want him.
I want him like I've never wanted anything in my life. I want him naked and on top of me and inside of me, all at once. I want to feel the weight of him, the power of him.
But most of all I want him to change me completely, the way I know only he can do. I want him to take me and mold me into something new. Something that's his, and his alone.
I want to 'seal the deal' so to speak. I want to be marked as his in the most primal of ways, and I want him to be mine.
xoxo
Year 5
[January]
Katniss' POV
I can't shake the unmistakable feeling of dejavu that I have in this moment, but I don't mention it.
One of Peeta's white bedsheets flutters around our bodies in the breeze from the open bedroom windows, but stays tucked into the bed around us, shielding us from the outside world. The light that fills the room casts a soft yellow glow that illuminates Peeta's all-too-perfect features. And I can't help but smile when his astoundingly blue eyes capture my own. Nothing makes me want to get up from this bed, nothing makes me want to ruin this moment.
I've never seen Peeta smile so brightly in all my life.
I can't help the feeling of pride that I get knowing that I'm the reason it's there. That I somehow make him so happy.
His hand reaches up to tuck a string of loose hair behind my ear and then moves down to brush my cheek, running his thumb across my bottom lip. I flick my tongue out to flick the tip of his thumb and we laugh together like children for a moment.
He continues laughing and pulls me to him, rolling onto his back and pulling me on top of his chest in one fluid movement. The motion causes one side of the sheet to become untucked from the mattress and the wind from the window pushes it off of us in a matter of seconds. It flaps in the breeze tucked in on only two sides now. My hair is blown wildly around my face and Peeta's, lose from my usual braid. Peeta uses his hands to gather it together at the back of my head, holding it all together with one hand. I lean down and kiss his eyelids, then his nose, and lean down to finally kiss his lips.
"I love you." I feel him whisper the words, his lips barely grazing mine as he speaks.
That familiar feeling of warmth explodes inside my chest and seems to encompass my entire body, I can't help the smile that seems to be permanently embedded on my face.
I've never felt so at peace. I've never felt so safe and warm and happy.
And I realize for the first time exactly what the feeling is.
Love.
xoxo
[February]
Peeta's POV
I've never been so happy and so miserable at the same time.
I always wondered what it would be like. What it would be like to finally have that one thing that I'd been wanting pretty much my entire life. For the last few years I'd pretty much written it off as an impossibility. I'd come to terms with my fate. That I hadn't been enough, hadn't done enough to win her. That I'd failed.
Then all at once she's there. Wonderful and perfect and mine and there. All at once in my life again. Right in front of me where I can reach out and touch her whenever I'd like.
And yet...
I can't bring myself to.
Sure, I tell her how I feel. I spend countless days with her. We eat together, I let her stay over sometimes and sometimes when I can't sleep I'll slip into her bed at night. She says would rather that we stay together every night. She says she wants me, that she wants to be with me. This is what she tells me.
I just can't bring myself to believe it.
I love her. I know this beyond a shadow of a doubt. Sure, sometimes the remnants of the tracker jacker venom momentarily pull me away from that realization, but I always come right back to it. Right back to her. I love her. More than anyone I have ever known. More than anyone I will ever meet.
But what if it happens again? What if she leaves me?
What would be left of me?
I don't know how many times a man can have the thing he wants most ripped from his hands before he goes absolutely, completely, irreparably insane.
My father told me once that every person has a stone wall around their heart. That it was meant to protect it. When a person choose to love someone else they have to remove a few of the stones from the wall to allow that person access to their heart. He said it's a double-edged sword. It's nice to have someone inside the confines of your wall with you, it's nice to not be so alone, but removing a part of that barrier leaves you unprotected. Leaves you vulnerable to be hurt.
I have already experienced this very thing a hundred times over, most of those times with the same girl. I know what the hurt feels like. And I'm terrified of it happening again.
I need to know that she isn't going to run. I need to know that she will stay with me, no matter what. Until then, the more that I give to her, the more I stand to lose.
And on top of all of that, the thought of taking that last bit of innocence that she still has intact after the war. Taking her virginity. Taking her the way that she thinks she wants to be taken...
I don't think I can do it.
It has to mean something more.
It has to mean everything.
As cliche as it sounds, I don't want to have sex with Katniss. I want to make love with Katniss. I want her to feel secure and loved and cherished. I want her to know how much she means to me.
And a large part of me wants to know that I mean just as much to her.
So here I sit, on the back deck of my house in the snow. Watching the spot that I could last make out Katniss on the horizon. I wonder if she's out in the woods. It's been at least an hour since she stormed away from me. Angry that when she tried to join me in the shower, I sent her away.
The image of her in nothing but a white terry-cloth towel flashes across my vision. Standing right in front of me, dropping the towel slowly, just enough to expose two perfect, hard nipples to my prying eyes. The blush that flooded across her skin, the blush that I'm attempting to protect by refusing to go too far with her.
I shake my head, attempting to bring it back to the present.
My breath hangs in the air in front of me. Maybe she simply snuck around my house the long way and went back to her own home. I finally decide to stand and attempt to stretch the stiffness out of my muscles. Turning toward the house I jump when I see Katniss standing in the open back door just a few feet from me, gripping the door frame with her right hand. How long has she been standing there? Why does she have to be so damn quiet?
"I can't take it Peeta." She says quietly her silver eyes meeting mine. "I don't understand why-" She pauses. I watch her eyes turn glossy, but as I move towards her she moves away. Retreating into the house.
I walk inside the kitchen and close the door behind me. Turning to Katniss, I start to try and explain to her again how I feel. She's got her back to me, her hands on the counter. I remember again the scene in the bathroom and try to push away the intrusive thoughts of how much I'd like to do to her exactly what she's asking of me.
What would it be like to walk over to her, slip down whatever she's wearing below and take her right there, against the counter, hard and fast. Make her shout my name, make her tremble until she comes undone around my cock.
All of our problems could be solved in one simple session.
But it would be meaningless.
And we'd never be the same.
And she'd probably just leave me after things changed between us.
"Just tell me what I'm doing wrong..." Her words snap me back into reality, "Please. Tell me what I need to do."
I open my mouth, and realize I'm not sure what to say. So I close it and take a few cautious steps towards her. Hoping she doesn't plan on moving away from me again. She doesn't move, so I reach out to grab one of her hands. She pulls it away from me as if she's been scalded.
"Just tell me what I'm doing wrong!" She shouts.
"You're not doing anything wrong!" I say quickly. "I wish I could make you understa-"
"I want to be with you Peeta. In every-" She blushes a deep red, "In every way..." She breaks eye contact here and looks down to study the white tiles of the kitchen floor.
She has no idea how much she's breaking my heart. She thinks that she wants me so badly. She thinks that I don't want her. How can I make her understand that I'm not willing to take that innocence away from her yet? How can I tell her that I want to keep that small part of her that still remains innocent intact? That I want to be able to hold onto that girl who blushes at the very implication of sex. That I don't want to ruin the last pure thing I have in my life until I'm absolutely sure that she knows exactly what she's giving up, until I know that I won't ruin her and then have her leave me forever.
"Please say something." She whispers.
"I love you Katniss." I say quietly, I reach out and this time she doesn't pull her hand from mine. "I just want to make sure that you're ready."
"I'm not some little girl Peeta! I'm nearly 23! I know what sex is! I know exactly what I want! And it hurts that you don't seem to want it as much as I do." Her eyes are filled with tears that don't quite fall. I open my mouth to answer but she stops me by looking up, straight into my eyes. "Look," She pauses, thinking for a moment before continuing. "I get some of what you're saying. In some ways you're absolutely right to doubt. I deceived you once, I'm not proud of it. I wasn't sure for a very long time what I wanted. Things haven't always been so clear for me as they were for you. But for the first time in my life I know exactly what I want, and that's you. I want you Peeta. And everything that that entails."
I feel my reservations begin to crumble deep within my chest.
"Then marry me."
The words seem to come out before I even form them in my mind.
I watch her face closely. Her lips drop open and for a moment her jaw goes slack. I watch her eyes flicker from my face down to our joined hands, and then back to my face again. "Is tha-" Her voice cracks and she clears her throat quietly. "Is that what you want from me?"
I can't help the frustration that I feel. I pull my hand away from hers and turn before she can see whatever emotion is undoubtedly etched across my face.
"No! That's what I want you to want. And that's wrong of me." I turn to look at her realizing that I'm making very little sense. "I just want to take things slow for now Katniss. I just want to feel like... Some day you may want that too. Want this too." I wave my hand back and forth between us to show what I mean. Before she can protest I quickly add, "I know that you say you want me. But I want to feel like there's a chance that you will want the same things as I do." I pause shaking my head, realizing that I'm repeating myself. "Sorry this is coming out all wrong. Let me try again." I walk over to her and move to brush the back of my hand down the side of her face, there are tears in her eyes and I feel another crack break through my resolve. "I want to know that you aren't going to leave me Katniss. That I won't be without you anymore."
She swallows hard once, "Would you still..." She pauses for a moment to swallow again. "You would want to marry me still?" She almost whispers. "Even now? After all that's happened? After how bro-" A sob escapes her throat and I see one of the tears begin to trickle down her cheek, I'm quick to brush it away as I pull her close to my chest, wrapping my arms around her. Hoping my own tears won't threaten. She sniffles a few more times and tries again. "Even knowing that I'm so hopeless. You'd still want to be with me..." She pauses searching for the right word.
"Forever." I whisper into her hair. "Always."
"I'm not leaving you Peeta. I wouldn't risk losing the only thing in my life that means anything. I wouldn't risk losing the only person I..." She trails off, burying her face into my chest. But I want to hear the rest. I pull back and put my hands on her shoulders, pushing her away from me slightly. I use a hand to tilt her chin up, so I can see her devastatingly beautiful eyes,
"The only person you what?" I ask quietly. She shakes her head and tries to move her face away from my penetrating gaze. I take a deep breath and ask the question that's been prying at me for weeks.
"You love me. Real or not real?"
She immediately closes her eyes, the pressure causes giant tears to fall down her cheeks. She drops her head down, bringing her hands up to bury her face in them. She chokes back a sob. "Real." The first is almost inaudible, it's muffled from the pressure of her hands. I'm not sure I've heard her correctly when she pushes herself back into my chest and repeats herself over and over, "Real. Real. Real." She chokes out between fevered sobs. Crying into my chest freely now while balling my shirt in her hands. "It's real Peeta."
My arms close around her instantly and I cradle the back of her head with my hand as she burrows into my chest. "Can you..." I whisper. Not wanting to push her too far, but needing more than anything to hear her say the actual words to me. "Can you tell me?"
She takes a few deep breaths in and out before pulling away enough to look up to me with tear filled eyes.
"I love you Peeta."
And I believe her.
"Then marry me." I say for the second time tonight. This time meaning it wholeheartedly. I consider dropping to one knee, but I'm terrified that she'll get too embarrassed and flee again. My mind flickers to the tiny golden band I've been saving that's tucked deep into one of the drawers in my bedroom. I don't dare leave her right now to try and grab it. Nothing about our relationship has been conventional, why start now?
"Peeta..." She whispers. I see the shock register on her face, her lips stop moving and I realize she has no intention of answering. Either that or I've literally shocked her into silence.
"You love me, and god knows I love you. Show me that you're willing to do this for me. That you're going to stay with me Katniss. Show me that I mean as much to you as you mean to me. I'll never ask another thing of you for the rest of our lives..." I laugh at how desperate and pathetic I sound. She laughs too, probably for the same reason.
"Peeta..." She repeats, this time it sounds like the beginning of a denial so, of course, I begin to ramble nervously.
"It doesn't have to mean anything to anyone other than you and I. We wouldn't have to tell a single soul. I swear. Just you and I." I almost cringe at the begging tone, but honestly I have nothing else to try. I don't know why it means to much to me to be able to call Katniss my wife, but it does. Somehow it means everything.
She looks into my eyes for a long time, never blinking. I can almost see frantic thoughts in her mind. I can watch her fighting against the panic that is no doubt running through her veins. All I can do is wait, and hope.
Until she speaks the sweetest words I've ever heard.
"If it convinces you that I'm not just going to up and leave you..." She pauses, "If it means this much to you..."
"It does." I assure her.
"...then yes."
xoxo
Little bit of lime, some sweetness...
Mostly just a filler chapter I suppose, short and to the point, but necessary nonetheless.
Sorry again for the double post, but you wouldn't even believe how much better this chapter is than the one I originally posted. This chapter is worthy of this story, the other was definitely not.
I promise to make up for this limey-sweet chapter with a full blown, much anticipated, L.E.M.O.N! Asap.
As usual REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!