Wakanda
I asked Shuri if I could have a notebook, so I could write down my thoughts. I'd gotten in the habit and it's hard to stop. I expected her to scoff and say something like 'How primitive' because this is a society where you can speak your thoughts out loud and they are preserved but she didn't. To my surprise, T'Challa himself presented me with a blank book with a beautiful cover made of a material I did not recognize, inlaid with intricate colorful details and a pen that glowed blue with carvings up the side. The 'ink' if I can call it that, was gold, making these words seem alive. I told him I was just keeping a journal and he laughed and told me 'memories are precious and should be kept in beautiful places.' He's always saying things like that, so here goes.
I don't know what happened to my old journals. They're probably in Germany. If anyone reads them, then perhaps they will prove to be my 'mitigating' circumstance if I ever have to answer for everything. That doesn't frighten me as much as it used to. In fact, it's a relief to have it out there.
After we left Stark, we met T'Challa outside the base. I remember my first reaction was "Oh Shit!" but he held out his hands and told us in that regal voice that 'I am not here to fight you. I heard Zemo's confessions and I have him…secure inside my plane."
He offered us asylum in Wakanda which we accepted but Steve told him he had something to do first. I knew what it was. He had to take care of his friends. Just like he wouldn't abandon me, he wouldn't abandon them.
And he did. They piled on the plane, Sam took one look at me and asked: "What the hell happened to you?" I told them Tony Stark happened to me, but he was entirely justified. Steve told me to save it for later but I was insistent.
"You know good and well that 'later' isn't going to happen. It'll get pushed around and shoved aside and it'll never be a 'better time'. Neither one of us is going to come out of this looking good so you might as well tell them now. I don't want a repeat of what just happened. They're you're friends Steve, they deserve to know." I think they were a little shocked because for one thing, they had never heard me talk so much and for another, no one talks to Steve like that, except maybe Sam or Stark.
Steve can be stubborn at times but then, so can I, so hesitant and with help from me, he told the whole sordid story. They were shocked at first, silent for a while but in the end, every single one of them thanked us for trusting them enough to tell them, even Sam. That's what they needed. Time to think it over. The time we should have given Stark. We were wrong to deny him that. Maybe someday, I can tell him in person, how it was but if he never wants to lay eyes on me again in this lifetime, that's fine too. It's his call. He's the injured party here. This might sound strange but part of me is glad he blew my arm off. It hurt like hell, but it was part of him, the other guy who lived inside me for so long, that person I want to forget. I won't have that reminder there, memories of how I used it, so maybe I can truly start over.
Even though I'm in a safe place, it's not over. I still see them, in my sleep. I dream that Hydra has found me, I see the Wakandans dead in the lab. I see my victims...I see myself killing Steve and I wake up, screaming with Steve holding me, telling me that it's alright, I'm safe, They're gone. Sometimes Sam would be standing across the room, his arms crossed in front of him, studying me. I expected him to look at me in disdain, to judge me for being weak but there is none of that there. I never thought it possible, but I saw true compassion in his eyes but it goes away as soon as he sees me looking at him. We give each other a hard time but maybe there is hope we can learn to get along. I mean, Steve picked him as a friend for a reason, I just have to figure out why.
I have been confined once again, isolated, surrounded by 'kind' people and can't help but think how it was before, back at the Hydra base where the agents kept me isolated, using their 'kindness' to further their own ends. It can make a person suspicious and distrustful but the Wakandans don't need anything from me. They are doing this because they are good people and I'm grateful. T'Challa is going out of his way to make things easy for me, he won't even let me call him by his title. Shuri is a funny kid, and it's odd to call her that, considering how smart she is. They told me they have an idea of maybe clearing my brain of the programming but it will take a sacrifice on my part. Whatever it is, I'm ready. I trust them. I'll do it. I know I can't go back to being just Bucky Barnes but maybe I'll be a better person on the other side. Maybe my memories from here on out will be beautiful.
Steve. He's here all the time and we have been catching up and remembering. His life after I fell, Peggy, his sacrifice and like me, of being frozen in time, the shock of waking up again. In a way it was worse for him, he didn't have the gradual adjustment to the 'future' that I did. Everything new was piled onto him all at once, some of his stories about his attempts at readjustments are funny. So much like the Steve, I remember. I told him I was out of the loop when it came to popular culture but Shuri was more than happy to fill me in, and so was he. He had a list of things we need to go through, which is something else Steve would do. He told me of his adventures with his new friends. They are lucky to have him and I'm glad he didn't have to go through everything alone.
He went through so much for me, holding onto hope that I could be saved. What we have is deeper than friendship, closer than brotherhood. We are both out of time, but we are together. When I first saw him again, after the bombing I could hardly talk. He found me. After all this time and after everything that had happened…he found me. Sometimes you want something so badly and when it happens, you can't believe it.
I'm living my dream, the one I fought so hard against that deep down, I always knew was true.