Frozen Hearts Doesn't Melt
Chapter 10
Pacing back and forth inside her apartment all day was quickly causing her to lose her mind. She was extremely worried about Amanda's emotional state and also about her physical well-being, thinking about her spending another night outside in the cold, hungry and tired. She was beating herself up for not following her out of the precinct earlier in the day and if there was an even slight possibility of turning back time, she would and she would've run after the blonde to stop her from leaving or calling out her name to get her attention, but time couldn't be changed or edited, she knew that.
It was pitch black outside, and had been for hours, the clock ticking closer to midnight and the city was calming down and somewhere out there was Amanda.
Fin and John had rang twice and Carisi once in between, all concerned and keen on how things were progressing but all Olivia could say was that Amanda was still missing and that it didn't look very promising or hopeful that she would return tonight, or any other night for that matter. The strong and eerie sensation in her gut was almost becoming unbearable and no matter how hard she tried to keep her mind on something else, forcing her brain to think of work or miniscule and irrelevant everyday things instead, she couldn't. She simply couldn't focus on anything else except Amanda, where she was, was she okay, would she be back?
It had been over twelve hours since she had stormed off, and Olivia was beginning to think that she would never see her again, when there was a faint knock on the door. Without even checking the peep hole she instantly swung it open and her heart stopped for a second only to resume in double speed. Amanda was standing there, hands deeply shoved into the pockets of the coat that Olivia had given her that morning, rosy red cheeks, blonde toussled tresses falling over her shoulders and her hat pulled down so far Liv could barely see her eyes.
"Amanda!" she breathed in relief, took the young woman by the arm, pulled her inside and closed the door. "Where did you go? Why did you leave? I was so worries about you. Are you okay?" by cupping the blonde's face in her hands she turned her head to look at her and she could see the red rimmed and tired eyes, a clear indicator that she had been crying. She stroked the delicate skin underneath her eyes with the pads of her thumbs, her worried and empathetic gace wandering all over her face, needing to know if she was physically alright. "Are you okay, honey? Are you hurt?"
Amanda didn't trust her voice in that moment, too ashamed and embarrassed for having crawled back to Olivia like a small child that had been scolded but still pathetically wanted and needed to feel loved and cared for, finding no other way but to come back with her head hung low with the tail between her legs. She shook her head, a small whimper escaping here throat and Olivia pulled her into her arms and held her tight against her chest, rubbing her back and soothing her with soft words of comfort.
"It's okay, sweetie, you're gonna be okay. I'm right here with you, I've got you now. I've got you now." she whispered and felt the petite body in her arms tremble. "Shhh, sweetheart, I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry for what he did to you and your sister. None of you deserved that, no one does and it wasn't your fault, you know that right?"
"Yeah." came the weak and shaky reply, her tears now soaking into the material of Olivia's top, creating a big wet stain on her shoulder. "I know."
Liv held her for a while longer, murmuring soothing nothings into her ear and continued to rub her back in comforting circles as Amanda cried. Eventually, she could feel how the other woman turned heavy and slack in her embrace and knew that she had to get her to sit or lie down. "Come on, honey, why don't you sit down on the couch and I'll make you something to eat. You must be starving. How does a grilled cheese sandwich and a hot chocolate sound? I'll have some too, hmm?"
After they had eaten, Olivia noticed how tired she looked. Her eye lids turned heavy and it seemed like she had to really struggle to keep her head up or even keep herself in an upright position. Deciding on cleaning up their plates and cups in the morning, she guided the half conscious woman into the bedroom, helped her into a warm flannel pajama and tucked her into bed before slipping in under the covers herself, facing the blonde. "Go to sleep, honey. You're safe here and everything is going to be okay, I promise."
Amanda seemed to have fallen asleep already and, to Olivia's surprise, she turned to her side and snuggled in as close as she could get to the older woman, burrowing her face into the crook of her neck and sighed softly. The light and regular puffs of air caressed her skin and she tenderly wrapped an arm around Amanda's middle, letting her fingertips run lazy patterns on a small area of her back where her shirt had exposed a bare patch of her soft skin.
It felt good to hold someone close. So so good and her heart swelled with a mixture of emotions when the sleepy young blonde had scooted right up to her side with a content exhale. It had been a long time since Olivia had cared for someone like she now cared about Amanda. It felt so right to hold her so close in her arms, to run her fingers through her hair or just to be near her felt as if her chest would explode with the vast concoction of feelings and emotions that she couldn't specifically identify or put a name to. She cared so much for the woman she now had enveloped in a secure and warm hug and she found it difficult to let herself fall asleep.
Liv wanted to stay awake so she could relish and enjoy this moment of physical closeness and proximity to the fullest. She was prepared to lie awake all night, or what was let of it, and just listen to the faint snores and noises that escaped Amanda's lips now and then, shushing her every time she thought she heard a whimper or a moan caused by demons in her sleeping state but, with the world still spinning as people went on with their daily life's, Olivia eventually slipped into a deep sleep, happy that Amanda had come back in one piece and that she was now resting peacefully by her side.
Violently, Liv was awakened by a forceful blow to her stomach and she gasped for air as she scrunched up her face in pain, wondering what the hell was happening. Then, she heard a grunting noise coming from her right and she quickly came to realize that it was Amanda who had made the strange and awful sound and caused the strong blow to her gut. Turning, with an uncomfortable ache, she switched on the bedside lamp to see what was going on and spotted Amanda tossing and turning, deeply caught in the midst of a nightmare from hell.
"Amanda! Come on, honey, wake up, it's just a dream." ignoring her own pain, that was already starting to dull, she reached her hand out to place it on one of Amanda's flushed cheeks but didn't get very far before her hand was slapped away by the blonde's flailing arms.
"Get away from me! Don't touch me, please don't touch me, I can't take anymore... please." tears found their way out from behind closed lids and rolled down her temples and then onto the pillow bellow, wetting her hair in the process. "Please, no more... please." she pleaded in such a feeble and vulnerable voice that it brought tears to Olivia's eyes and she had to swallow her own feelings so she could be of any use and help the distraught young woman.
"Shhh, wake up, sweetheart, it's okay, it's only a dream." she soothed and once again reached out to touch her.
Amanda flinched as Olivia's hand came to rest upon her shoulder but she didn't pull away but instead she turned completely rigid and tense, as if her body had suddenly turned to stone. "No dream, he's here... he's here." she choked, lying flat on her back, eyes still tightly shut, arms pressed down against her sides and her hands curled up into fists, her knuckles turning white. "He's here." she repeated in a hushed whisper, almost as if she was afraid to be spotted or heard.
Frowning, Liv propped herself up on one elbow and then realized that Amanda wasn't sleeping but instead she was having some kind of flashback or experiencing a very vivid memory from her past which caused her to act in this way. "Who's he, honey? Is it your father?"
"Yes, he's here. Please, make him go away." she whimpered and her chest heaved with fear and dread. "Make him go away!"
"Honey, he isn't here. He's locked up behind bars and will never hurt you again, I promise." Liv cooed softly. "Open your eyes, sweetie, and see for yourself."
"NO! Please, don't make me. I don't want to see him, just please, make him leave. I don't want him touching me anymore. It hurts, please, it hurts." she cried, refusing to open her eyes to see that there was nobody else inside the room besides the two. She shuddered as Olivia brushed a stray lock of blonde hair away from her clammy forehead, thinking it was her father's touch. "Please, don't hurt me! I'll be good, daddy, I'll be good, I promise, I'll be good."
Liv felt her bottom lip tremble with emotion and how her eyes quickly filled up with tears that streamed down her ow cheeks, distraught herself over what Amanda had gone through as a child. "Amanda, it's Olivia! I'm right here with you, sweetheart and nothing bad is going to happen to you. Your father is not here, he will never be here, he will never hurt you again and he will never come near you again, I can promise you that. You are safe with me, honey, you're safe here with me." she whispered ever so gently, scooting closer to the stiff body next to her. "Open your eyes, my love, just open your eyes."
Amanda shivered underneath the covers, whimpers and sniffles escaped now and then, her breathing still laboured and way too fast for Olivia's liking and, as she softly reassured the young woman that there was nothing to fear and that she was safe, her body began to gradually relax, her breathing seemed more normal and her eyes eventually fluttered open. "Liv!" she softly called out, her eyes adjusting to the dim light inside the room. "Olivia!"
Scooting even closer, the brunette took a chance and placed a hand on a bony shoulder and, this time, the touch was welcomed. "I'm right here, honey, right next to you." since Amanda didn't pull away from her touch, she moved her hand from the shoulder and, instead, ran her fingers through a tangled mess of fair tresses. "See! There's no one here besides us two. It was just a bad dream, sweetheart, just a really bad dream."
The room fell silent for a moment, the only noise present was Amanda's breathing and occasional sniffle, alongside Olivia's soft sushing and nurturing words before the blonde spoke again. "It wasn't a dream. It was a memory." she admitted in a low voice that resembled more of a whisper than just a quiet statement.
Just as Olivia expected; a memory, not a dream. "You think you can tell me about it? It helps to talk about what scares us, trust me on that." they were both lying on their sides, facing each other, Liv still supporting her head by her propped up elbow and gazed tenderly down into the blonde's face. "You can tell me anything, Amanda. I would never judge you or look at you any differently no matter what you decide to share with me. What happened wasn't your fault, sweetie, and I'm not gonna let you blame yourself for it."
The softness in Olivia's voice calmed her senses and the continuous soothing touch of the older woman's hand combing through her tangled hair made her inch slightly closer to the warm body next to her, leaning into the touch. "It... it was the night of the fire. Earlier that evening I... I saw him looking at Kim with that perverted and twisted grin that he always wore on his face and I knew... I knew what he was after. I caught him staring at her as she was getting changed, touching himself as he stood behind the doorway to her room, making faint grunting noises that Kim couldn't hear but, to me, they were crystal clear. He had never looked at her that way before. It was always me."
She closed her eyes as the memory played before her, almost as if it was physically happening again, and she could smell every scent, feel his rough and cold touch, taste his dry and faul lips and see every freckle and every scar on his body. "Kim was only thirteen at the time and I was close to eighteen." she opened her eyes again and stared straight into Liv's dark brown that held nothing but concern, interest and understanding. "I did what I had to do." the last statement was said with a sad but firm tone that told Olivia that what she did was out of desperation to protect her little sister from the claws of a pedophile.
"It still wasn't your fault." Olivia stated, her heart breaking for the younger woman who had become so important to her in such a short period of time. "It wasn't your fault." she firmly repeated, trying to get Amanda to understand that his actions and his decisions were all his doing and his alone.
"You don't understand." Amanda whispered, her voice breaking slightly as fresh tears formed in her eyes. "I led him on, I asked him to do it. I asked him to... to do those things to me."
"To save your little sister from a monster. What you did was so courageous, so brave and so selfless, sweetheart. You did what you had to do to save your sister and if she was here right now, inside this room, she would tell you how grateful and proud she is to have you as a sister." Liv used the pad of her left thumb to capture the salty droplet that escaped their brimming blue confinement and watched as Amanda's face crumbled.
"I miss her." she sobbed. "I miss her so much." her body shuddered from the release of emotions and felt herself lose control. "She... she should be... here. He should... be dead."
Holding onto the trembling petite frame, Liv slid her hand underneath Amanda's blonde head and tenderly brought it towards her, tucking it into the crook of her neck. "I know, baby, I know." the loving endearment slipped out so naturally, she was barely aware that she had said it at all. "Shh sh sh, I'm so sorry, sweetheart, I'm so sorry you had to go through that." Liv hushed while she cradled the head against her, feeling Amanda's tears soaking her skin. "Where was your mother in all of this? Did she know what was going on?"
It took a while before Amanda could speak, her sobs were erupting in a steady flow into Olivia's tanned soft skin and she was now clutching tightly to the pajama top of the older woman, needing something to hold on to. "She... she knew. She knew from the very start." she cried, gasping for air.
"Hush, sweetie, I've got you now. I've got you." knowing that Amanda's mother was aware of her boyfriend's actions made it all worse. She simply couldn't understand how a mother could be so ignorant, cruel and cold hearted towards her own children and, frankly, a part of her didn't want to understand. "You're safe now, my love, and everything is going to be okay. That's it, just hold onto me, sweetheart, give it all to me, I can take it. You're not alone anymore."
Liv lowered herself and Amanda back down onto the pillows bellow. The blonde still had a fierce grip on the Lieutenant's shirt and refused to let go but Olivia was okay with that, willing to do whatever it took to make her feel better, secure and cared for, and if that involved small hands clutching desperately at her skin and clothes, then that is what she was willing to endure. "How old were you when it first started, honey?"
Olivia's soothing touch was finally calming her down enough to a level where she could speak more coherently and breathe somewhat easier, without having to gasp for a lung full of air. "Kim was only four so I must've been around nine years old. I remember how he suddenly took an interest in me getting ready for bed. He would help me change into my night gown, making me dance and twirl in front of him, telling me how pretty and special I was." she snorted in disgust before continuing. "It was all so innocent, like he wasn't doing anything wrong and I believed him. I was his special little girl and I didn't know any better until..."
"Until what, sweetie? You can tell me." she gently urged, trying to get Amanda to continue, especially now when she had made it this far. "It's okay, honey."
The young blonde shut her eyes tightly, not wanting to go back to that dark place where her consciousness met the vivid and horrid past. "... until one night when my mom was out drinking. He.. he snuck into my room, got under the covers and... and he... he... he put it... inside of me." she broke once again, removing her hands from Olivia's top and covered her face with them, pulling her knees up to her chest and curled into a ball, trying to ease the pain that was rapidly building inside her whole being.
"Oh god, it hurt!" she sobbed, rocking her own body from side to side where she laid. "It hurt so much, Olivia."