Chapter Ten

He didn't say anything; he just sat there and looked at me, all the hurt and pain in the world written all over his face. I didn't know how long he had been here, I hadn't herd him jump onto the balcony or open the door and come into my room. I hadn't felt the cold pass through the room as he opened the door, and I never heard it click shut. I hadn't sensed him in my room because I was concentrating more on my pain than my senses, but now that I did, I sensed he had been here a long time, just watching me, waiting for me to acknowledge his presence in my room. Now that I had, he didn't now what to say. Come to think of it, neither did I.

I couldn't look him in the eye, or muster a smile. We both knew it would be a fake one even if I could. He just kept looking at me, staring. Waiting. I couldn't say anything; I didn't know what to say. He knew I was questioning my feelings towards him, I could sense that he knew, he just didn't know why. I didn't know why either, I don't understand how I can possibly be questioning this now. I thought I had loved him ever since I first saw him, but eight and a half months later, and now my head chooses to question it. Now I decide to break his heart, I should have done that before, when we weren't this deep into a relationship, when he didn't or couldn't possibly love me as much as he did now.

I shook my head looking down at my now clasped hands. No tears returned to my eyes, but by now I figured I had cried away enough of them in one day to last me a lifetime. I just wanted him to say something, anything. Now knowing that he wanted me to do the same, but what could I possibly say to him to make this easier or less painful for him? Nothing. There are no words that can possibly stop someone hurting when they are hurting for this reason. No words can make it better. He was waiting, thinking, both of us were sat in front of each other, both racking our brains trying to think of something to say. Still, no idea's came to my head, I knew that if I were to talk to Jacob now, I would have to make it up as I went along, knowing that I would have to be careful with what I said and try my hardest to make this turn out okay.

I took a deep breath and looked up at Jacobs face. The anguish I found there wasn't comforting or inspirational. It just made me feel worse about this. I couldn't believe that this was happening, I had never once doubted my feelings towards Jacob and I never thought that I would. But now, as I sat here, I was asking myself how I could doubt them? How I could have let this happen? And most of all, how did I really feel about him? Because what ever is said right here, right now, will either change our future forever, or set it forever. I had to be sure this is what was right because if I was wrong now, I would have to live with it for the rest of my life.

He spoke before I had even opened my mouth. "What is it that you want from me?" He asked me, all the emotion I could see on his face, spilling out into his words. "Just tell me and I'll give it to you. If you love me and that's what you want back, you've got it. If you need me as a friend or brother, you've got me as one. If you need me as an enemy just tell me and I'll leave and never come back. If you need or want me as a lover, just tell me and you know that's what I will be. I just need to know what you want me to be. But I can't stay in this relationship knowing you don't feel the same way about me as I do about you. I love you, so much more than I ever thought I would ever be able to possibly love someone. I love you as a human and as a wolf. Every fiber of my being loves you, and there is nothing that I, or you, can do to stop it. But I imprinted on you, and if that's not what you want me to be then I won't be like that for you. It won't ever go away but it will hide from you. I just need you to tell me what you want." He finished, sounding scared, alone. No wolf in history has ever had their imprint become confused about their feelings towards their wolf. It's never happened, ever, and it just had to happen to poor Jacob, didn't it?

I looked at him, shocked by his words; they were not what I was expecting. I wasn't expecting him to seem so calm; because I know inside him he's not. I was expecting him to be mad at me, or shout or something. I wasn't expecting him to just say it like that. That was not what I was expecting him to say either. "I don't know." Was all I could say.

"What don't you know?" He asked me. "Don't you know what you want? Don't you know how you feel? Don't you know what your heart is telling you? Or are you just listening to your head? What happened inside your head? What thoughts made you suddenly think twice about any of this, about us? You have to tell me." He was desperate, I could tell he needed to know, and I could tell I was hurting him. I didn't want this to happen, I didn't want him to hurt anymore.

"In my head, I finally realized that I would be with you forever, and it scared me. It made me think about whether I do love you as much as you love me. It made me realize that I probably never will. You love me because you have to, because you imprinted. You have no choice in the matter. I love you because I chose to, and I realized that I can always change my mind and that scared me for you. I realized what I had gotten myself into and I realized that I never stopped to think about it first. I know I'm hurting you, but somewhere, something inside of me is telling me to stop and think. It's telling me to be cautious about you, it's telling me to make sure this is what I want because if I do love you now, I will have to love you forever, and something inside of me is questioning if I can do that. Something inside of me is asking me, if I can love you forever, like you need me to, and I don't know if I can, and I need to know." I stopped, that was it, that was all I had.

"Can you love me forever?" He asked me sadness darkening his words more as he dreaded my answer.

"I don't know, I don't know if I'm even capable of loving someone forever." I answered him. The agony was visible in my voice. "I want to so badly, I just don't know if I can."

"Try." He whispered.

"I can't try and then let you down." I whispered back.

"What, so you're not even going to bother?" He asked me, his whole face seeming to darken.

"I just need time to sort this all out in my head. I need time without you, because if I hurt without you around then I will know that I do love you and I will know that I always will." My voice seemed to shrink into me as I finished my sentence.

"And if you don't hurt without me?" He quietly said, as he looked down from my face, to his hands.

"Then it's over." I said, now so badly wanting to cry.

He nodded. "I Love You." He said as he rose from the chair he was sat in. He slowly walked to the doors, opening them revealing the rain.

He looked back at me, my face, taking every aspect of me in, knowing that this would be the last time he would see me for a while. Once he had finished silently committing my image to memory, he left, closing the doors behind him.