So to anyone expecting an actual next chapter, I apologize. That will have to wait a little while longer, as I finish some other things. In the meantime, here is something that will be a thing after each major arc is finished: a collection of short stories, centered around a theme, that are meant to be funny, or at least funny to me. Mind you, my sense of funny is different from your sense of funny likely. Also, these works are by no means indicative of my quality of writing. Some of these are written sub-par on purpose, mainly to highlight tropes of certain characters. Anyway, I hope you enjoy!
- Ketchum Kid
A Certain Scientific Familiar Omake I: Familiar Familiars
The Case of the Vanishing Familiar
While the summoning of a Familiar at the Summon Servant festival is by no means a dull event, it usually does not get as flashy as Louise Françoise Le Blanc de La Vallière's attempt – a lot of smoke, but no mirrors. Actually, many of the other students thought there were mirrors, for what was summoned was not a lizard, frog, mole, or dragon, but a person.
"What…what is this…?" Louise stated, looking at the person that appeared as the smoke dissipated. The girl seemed about her height, with a pair of auburn pigtails held with a pair of red ribbons. Her outfit was most peculiar – it looked as if she was a noble, yet the design was not familiar to anything in Halkeginia. Plus there was the strange green armband on her right arm…
"…U…Ugh…" the auburn-haired girl groaned. "One minute I'm arguing with Sissy over what's Judgment's work, and now I'm here…where is here?" She looked around, confused. "Is this a school? It's not any outfit that I've seen in Academy City before." The students started jeering Louise, commenting how she could summon a commoner as her Familiar.
"Please, Mr. Colbert! Let me try the summoning one more time!" Louise pleaded. The balding man in the black robe shook his head.
"I cannot allow that," he stated. "You've already summoned a Familiar, and she's right there." He pointed his staff at the auburn-haired girl. The girl perceived the strange object as a weapon, and immediately got into a defensive stance.
"Don't go pointing things at me that I don't know about!" she objected. "I don't know who you guys are, but you all seem suspicious! As a member of Judgment, I, Kuroko Shirai, have the authority to take you in!" Colbert sighed.
"Just finish the contract with her before your Familiar gets out of control…" he groaned. The crowd of students laughed, as a reluctant Louise walked over to the strange girl.
"And who might you be?" Kuroko asked, putting her hands on her hips.
"Shut up," Louise stated. "You should be honored; most people go their whole lives without having a noble do this to them." She held her wand in her hand. "My name is Louise Françoise Le Blanc de La Vallière. Pentagon of the Five Elemental Powers; bless this humble being and make her my Familiar!" She then proceeded to touch the girl's forehead with the wand.
In seconds, she ended up seeing the clouds above her.
"I don't know what that stick you have their contains, but I don't want to chance it having anything bad to do with me," Kuroko stated.
"Why, you….!" Louise growled. Three more times she got up, then tried to touch Kuroko's forehead with the wand. Three more times, Kuroko tossed the pinkette to the ground, much to the amusement of the students watching.
"Just stay still!" Louise exclaimed. She tried again, deciding to go for the tap and the kiss in one motion.
This time, she stumbled forward, and found herself kissing the ground instead.
There were not many laughs this time, mainly because she was not thrown to the ground like the other times. Instead, the girl Kuroko had teleported herself several feet away from the group, and was now standing outside the ring of students.
"Wa-?! How?!" Louise was speechless.
"No way am I letting you near me now!" declared Kuroko. "My head is one thing, but my lips and heart are devoted to the one and only Mikoto Misaka of Tokiwadai! No way are you taking my first true kiss away from me!" Louise ran towards her, but the Teleporter simply vanished again, getting further away from the pinkette.
"Hurry up, Louise!" complained Colbert. "Then next class will start in a few minutes! How much time will it take for you to complete the Summoning?"
"How can I complete the Summoning when my Familiar is disappearing any time I get close to her?!" Louise shouted back. This continued for another five minutes, until Colbert finally decided to use the Bell of Sleep so that Louise could actually finish her ceremony. Kuroko would mourn the loss of her first kiss for the next three days.
A Blooming Mess
"What…what is this…?" Louise stated, looking at the person that appeared as the smoke dissipated. The girl seemed about her height, with short black hair, and a row of flowers spanning to breadth of her head. Her outfit was most peculiar – it looked nothing like anything in Halkeginia, with its white and blue motifs. Plus there was the strange green armband on her right arm…
"W…Where am I?" The girl asked, looking around. "How did I get from the office to the outdoors?" The girl noticed her surroundings. "Who are you people? Where in Academy City am I?" The students started jeering Louise, commenting how she could summon a commoner as her Familiar.
"Please, Mr. Colbert! Let me try the summoning one more time!" Louise pleaded. The balding man in the black robe shook his head.
"I cannot allow that," he stated. "You've already summoned a Familiar, and she's right there." Louise groaned, and walked up towards the girl.
"You should be honored; most people go their whole lives without having a noble do this to them." She held her wand in her hand. "My name is Louise Françoise Le Blanc de La Vallière. Pentagon of the Five Elemental Powers; bless this humble being and make her my Familiar!" She then proceeded to touch the girl's forehead with the wand.
"A-Ah, I don't know what you're trying to do, but if it's trying to grow the flowers on my head, I don't suggest it," the girl said. Louise groaned.
"Just follow my lead, alright?" she stated. "Make this as quickly as possible, and stay still." Louise leaned forward, ready to seal the contract with a kiss.
Instead, she got nothing but air, and felt the girl faint onto the ground.
"F-Follow your l-lead…?" she nervously said, blushing red. "I-I can-can do that…I-I-If you insist…" The black-haired girl then completely passed out.
"Not sure if this is going to make it easier for me to finish the contract or paint me as a lesbian," Louise groaned, getting onto her hands and knees to finish the contract. "Honestly, this isn't what a Tristain noble should be doing…"
Skirt Temperaments
"What…what is this…?" Louise stated, looking at the person that appeared as the smoke dissipated. The girl seemed to be a little taller than she was, with long black hair and blue eyes. Her outfit was most peculiar – it looked nothing like anything in Halkeginia, with its white and blue motifs. There was also a flower, small and white, on the left side of her hair.
"W…Where am I?" The girl asked, looking around. "I was just walking, and…?" The girl noticed her surroundings. "Great, somehow I wandered into the occult side of Academy City. Not quite as the rumors led me to believe how this place looked like…" The students started jeering Louise, commenting how she could summon a commoner as her Familiar.
Louise ran up to Mr. Colbert. "Please, Mr. Colbert! Let me try the summoning –"
"No, Louise," the professor said sternly. "You are only allowed to summon one Familiar during the 'Summon Servant' ceremony, and that is her." Louise sighed, defeated. She reluctantly turned back towards the girl.
"You seem to know a little about what's going on," the girl said to Louise. "Do you mind telling these people to let me go?"
"No," Louise groaned. "We're going through with this. You should be honored; most people go their whole lives without having a noble do this to them." She held her wand in her hand. "My name is Louise Françoise Le Blanc de La Vallière. Pentagon of the Five Elemental Powers; bless this humble being and make her my Familiar!" She then proceeded to touch the girl's forehead with the wand. Afterwards, she grabbed the girl's shoulders. "Now just stay still."
"Stay still?" the girl said in confusion. "W-What are you - !" Before the girl could finish, Louise leaned forward and kissed her. After a few seconds, Louise broke off, leaving a stunned face on the girl.
"It is done," Louise sighed, her face red as a tomato.
"Congratulations, Louise!" Colbert said. "You have failed 'Summon Servant' many times, but you have managed to succeed with 'Contract Servant' in…one…" He trailed off, as the tone of the crowd died down. Louise looked over to him.
"What?" she asked. "What's wrong?"
"P-Pink…" he replied. Louise suddenly felt something was wrong. Looking back, she noticed her skirt was tilted unnaturally upward. The culprit of this was her newfound Familiar, who was lifting it high and proud into the air.
"W-W-W-W-What do you think you're doing?!" the pinkette exclaimed in horror.
"Well, since you've taken my first kiss without my consent, it's only fair I get to do something to you in return," the girl replied. "Now I usually only do this to Uiharu, but I can make an exception, especially since I get to see something she would never dare to try on. I must say, you're really bold to wear lacey things like those in publ-!"
"SHUT UP!-!" Louise shouted, casting an explosion to try and hide her embarrassment...and to get as far away from her new Familiar as humanly possible.
Bad Luck Girl
"What…what is this…?" Louise stated, looking at the person that appeared as the smoke dissipated. "And where am I?" She was clearly not in Tristain anymore. Instead, she was in a room, about the size of her own, but with a strange and curious design. She could soon make out two figures in the room. One of them was a male in a white shirt with spiky black hair, and the other was a girl, dressed in a white robe with yellow trim that reminded Louise of the women in Romalia that were committed to the Pope.
"A…A girl?" the boy stated in surprise.
"Touma!" The robed girl said accusingly to the male. "What is this? Why did a girl just magically appear in your dorm?!"
"How should I know?!" the spiky-haired teen rebutted. "I'm as in the dark as you are! And for that matter, she's ruined the room; look at it!" Louise looked around. A strange black box with a glass screen had been damaged, a table in the middle in the room was clean in two, and several plates and bowls were in various states of damage. A cat had found its way onto some cupboards, startled by the explosion.
"You don't mean to accuse me, Louise Vallière, of causing such damage as this, do you?" she stated in a huff.
"Well, duh!" Touma huffed. "You came in this strange explosion, so that obviously means you caused it! Are you some magician after Index?" Louise simply pointed her wand at the boy.
"Tell me where I am, commoner," she ordered. "And for that matter, I need to know how I can get back to the Academy and make a proper Familiar summoning, because this certainly wasn't a proper summon." She stepped forward, but slipped as something darted past her foot. She stumbled into Touma, who caught her…by her breasts.
"A-Are you okay, miss…n-n-no, this is not what it looks like!" Touma stated, quickly pushing the pinkette away. "O-Othinus, could you stop running around like that! You're going to get someone hurt when they can't see you!" Louise went red in the face as this was going on. She took out her wand, and pointed it at Touma.
"H-H-How dare you defile me, a Noble of proud stature!" she declared. Immediately, she casted an explosion, which filled the room with smoke once again.
"HYAAAHH!" cried Index.
"Damn my rotten luck!-!" cursed Touma.
Outside the apartment door, hearing all this, was a certain brunette. She contemplated knocking on the door, before deciding that it was probably better not to do so, and turned to head back to her own dormitory.
Familiar 10032
What…what is this…?" Louise stated, looking at the person that appeared as the smoke dissipated. The person summoned was a girl, a little over Louise's height, with short brown hair and brown eyes. Her outfit was most peculiar – it looked as if she was a noble, yet the design was not familiar to anything in Halkeginia. Plus there was the strange, bulky black headband the girl was wearing…
"'Where am I,' asks Misaka in a confused tone," the girl stated in a monotone voice. "'If I remember, I was looking for cat food for Dog while 12472 looked after Dog,' states Misaka as she recalls what she was doing seconds before entering a strange portal." The confusing speech befuddled everybody at the event.
"E-Er, excuse me?" Louise asked, whose surprise was mixed with anger. The girl turned towards Louise, an expressionless look on her face.
"'This person seems to be speaking in French,' Misaka notes as she takes in her surroundings," the girl noted. "'Bonjour mademoiselle,' salue Misaka comme elle tente de se acclimater à l'environnement local. 'Pourriez-vous se il vous plaît dites-moi où je suis,' enquêtes Misaka, ce qui implique qu'elle ne est pas familier avec ses environs." Louise sweatdropped.
"Ah, you don't need to speak the language," she whispered. "This actually isn't part of the main story."
"'Oh,' sighs Misaka, annoyed that both she is not the main character and that the fourth wall needed to be broken." Louise looked at Mr. Colbert.
"Do I REALLY need to have this girl as my Familiar?" the pinkette groaned. "She's going to cause nothing but headaches for the rest of my life here!"
"Rules are rules," the balding mage stated. "Like it or not, this girl is your Familiar." Some snickers from the other students accompanied this.
"As I feared," Louise sighed. She turned back to the brunette.
"You should be honored; most people go their whole lives without having a noble do this to them."
"'What are you talking about?' asks Misaka so as to inquire about the culture of your society. 'And what is a Familiar?' Misaka further presses. 'Is it a helper of sorts, like in books of fantasy and magic?' Misaka continues, trying –"
"Ah! Just shut up already!" Louise complained, before quickly going through the rest of the ritual, in the hopes that the girl would learn what the meaning of 'first person' was very soon.
The Holy Familiar
"What…what is this…?" Louise stated, looking at the person that appeared as the smoke dissipated. The person summoned was a girl, dressed completely in robes of white and gold, along with a few metal pin-like fasteners. The girl had bluish-white hair with green eyes, and seemed downcast.
"Hey, did Louise the Zero just summon a Romalian clergy?" one person asked.
"Leave it to our resident Zero to try to pine for a greater power and get it," another person quipped. Louise approached the girl, who still was not moving much.
"Hey," she stated. "Are you alr-"
GRRROOOWWLLLL!
All eyes went to the mysteriously-dressed girl's stomach.
"…I'm so hungry…" the girl groaned. "It was nearly dinnertime…and Touma was going to get some snacks as well…" Louise looked to Mr. Colbert for help.
"E-Erm, if it is food you want, then I'm sure that we can arrange for something in the dining hall after the -!"
"Dining hall?" the girl repeated. "Food? For me?!" Her disposition seemed to completely change. "Yahoo!" Before anyone could stop her, the cloaked girl raced to the dining hall, disappearing into the building in a flash.
"- a-after the 'Summon Servant' ceremony is finished!" Colbert hastily finished, albeit too late. "Oh dear…"
"So…does this mean I can summon again?" Louise asked hopefully.
"No, Louise," the professor groaned. "That girl is your Familiar…" Louise pouted. Within the next few days, Colbert was forced into a meeting on how the Academy could find the funds to increase its food budget, in light of chronic shortages.
Last Familiar
"What…what is this…?" Louise stated, looking at the person that appeared as the smoke dissipated. The person summoned was a girl, albeit a very short and young one. She was wearing a blue spotted dress and a white coat. She had short brown hair, with a large cowlick standing up on the top, and had a very confused yet cute look on her face. While the male students began to mock Louise for summoning a commoner, the other female students were unable to join in the mocking, ensnared by the young girl's cuteness.
"'Where am I?' Misaka Misaka wonders," the girls said, looking around. "'I could have sworn that I was with Accelerator to get food, even though the last time I saw him was ten minutes before stepping into that strange portal.'" Louise looked at the young girl.
"N-Not another one of these third-person freaks…!" she muttered under her breath.
"'Hey, you!'" the brunette said to the pinkette. "'This is a professional quality chapter, so we shall have none of this fourth-wall breaking anymore,' Misaka Misaka berates in a tone not quite befitting her age. 'Also, Misaka Misaka is quite upset that you are belittling her Sister that you clearly have never met before! Don't go judging a person you've never met!"
"For the love of…" Louise groaned. She looked at Mr. Colbert. "I'm not even going to ask at this point…"
"Very well then," he stated. "Go finish the 'Summoned Servant' contract." Hearing this, the young brunette raised a fist into the air.
"'Yay! An official ceremony,' Misaka Misaka cheers, not knowing quite what it's for but expecting food to be there regardless!" Louise's eyebrows twitched.
"AND she's food-crazy too?!" she complained. "Forget the ceremony! I'm done! I've been drop-kicked, embarrassed in front of all my classmates, groped by some strange guy, and driven completely crazy by these last three lunatics! Just get to the part of this chapter where there's actually relevance to the main storyline!" With that, the pinkette walked away, leaving everyone in the courtyard very confused.
In a prison outside of the Capitol sat Fouquet the Crumbling dirt. Stricken of her wand and locked in an enchanted cell, she waited in her cell's bed for her fate to be decided for her. As she had stolen famous treasures and caused a great deal of trouble for nobles all across the country, she was likely to be sentenced next week either to execution or exile. Either way, her time in Tristain had come to a close.
"Is this really how Tristain treats a feeble woman like myself?" Fouquet grumbled. In her cell was nothing, save for a small wooden bed and a small wooden table. Nothing that she could use to escape from her confines, even if she was able to use magic. If there was a metallic spoon, things would be different...
A recent memory, one of being shocked with electricity, came back to her. The woman twitched backwards unconsciously, as if reacting to the actual event. Her mind flowed back to the events of the previous day, when her plans for the Staff of Destruction were thwarted by a certain brunette.
'That girl…Mikoto Misaka…she seemed much more different than I expected her to be. She seemed to be fighting for what she felt was right…and with such power like that, it's no wonder I was defeated. But to be able to use the Staff of Destruction…just who exactly is she? Granted, it's not like I have any reason to care. Who knows if I will even live after this week is over?' Fouquet contemplated going to sleep, when a distinct clinking sound came from the staircase. 'Spurs? The wardens don't wear spurs on their boots.' Soon, a person appeared in front of her cell. Even in the poor lighting of the cell, she could tell that the person was a male, with long grey hair. The rest of the person's features were hidden by a black cloak and a white mask that the person was wearing. A wand was visible under the person's cloak. "It's rather late for visiting hours, don't you think? Although, as you can see, I don't have much room to entertain you with."
"You are Fouquet the Crumbling Dirt?" the person asked. Fouquet simply huffed, refusing to look further in his direction.
"I do not remember who gave me this nickname," she stated. "But yes, I go by that name."
"I have something I would like to tell you, Fouquet," the man stated. "Or rather, Mathilda of Saxe-Gotha." Fouquet paused. She sat up, and sent a stern look towards the man.
"That's a name that Fouquet had taken over," she said. "Rather, it is a name that I was forced to replace. Nobody should know that name anymore."
"Do you wish to serve your proud country of Albion again, Mathilda?" the man asked.
"Don't make me laugh," the green-haired girl scoffed. "You are talking of the same nobility that murdered my father and annexed my home. Why would I serve you monsters, even if it means that my life would be spared?" The man coughed.
"Do not misunderstand me, Mathilda," he stated. "I am not asking you to serve the current Royal Family. That group of weak cowards will soon be overthrown."
"What do you mean?" Fouquet asked.
"I am surprised you haven't heard of it, the Revolution that is going on in Albion," the man said. "We are going to overthrow the powerless Imperial family, and succeed them as more capable nobles that will lead Albion into a bright new future." Fouquet narrowed her eyes.
"You're talking as if you are not from Albion yourself," she deduced. "Why would a member of Tristain nobility have interest in the affairs of my home country?"
"We are a consortium of nobles without borders, who are concerned about the current state of affairs in Halkeginia," the man continued. "We wish to unify the continent and return to the Holy Land, which the Founder set foot in long ago." Hearing this, Fouquet chuckled.
"Unifying the whole of Halkeginia – Tristain, Germania, Albion, Gallia, Romalia, and the smaller kingdoms that quarrel with each other on an annual basis – that's a midsummer night's dream," she said, waving her hand. "Besides, how would you deal with the all-powerful elves? They're highly efficient in battle, and possess magic not known to us. I faced one who is expertly efficient in such arts, and that's how I ended up here."
"I thought that the reason you were locked here was that you were captured by some noble students," the man stated. "I have not heard of any elves spotted this far north."
"Then you people will not stand a chance against the might of that person," Fouquet sighed. "There's nary a person in this world that will be able to stand up to her might."
"Surely there is not a sole person that can single-handedly take down our movement," the man stated. "Idle chatter gets us nowhere, so I'll cut to the point. We need skilled magicians that will aid us in our battle. After taking Albion, our movement will aim for Tristain, and someone with recent knowledge would be of most help. What I am offering you is a choice, Fouquet. Either you become our comrade, or you – "
" – or I am killed here and now, am I right?" the woman finished. The man nodded. "When you put it that way, how can I refuse? You nobles are a conceited bunch; you'll never consider other's feelings." She said the last sentence with a chuckle. "At the very least, you guys will have a person that will be able to warn you about the threat that girl places on your organization, so long as you tell me who you guys are." The man frowned.
"Are you really joining us, or are you simply toying with me?" he asked.
"I just want to know who's side I'm on, is all." she stated. "I see no reason why heading back to that cursed landmass is worse than this dungeon if it means you are getting rid of those who killed my family." The man removed a key from his pocket.
"Welcome to The Reconquistadors," he stated, unlocking Fouquet's cell door.
To Be Continued…