Chapter 10: The

Henry stepped outside of the hospital and checked his map, pinpointing the location of the Antique Shop.

'Flying fucks, that thing is miles away!' he complained. 'The amount of monsters that are between me and that shop are probably off the damn charts!'

He pulled out his shotgun only to find that he didn't have it. Nor did he have the pistol, or the pipe. He stood there, completely in denial, trying to deduce where they could be.

— — — Super Awesome Dream Hospital — — —

The Comedian was jumping on a rusty, bloody mattress, screaming the whole time. 'WHOOO! WHOOO! WHOOO!' Kinda like that.

'Does he ever run out of steam?' Lisa asked, frightened.

Rorschach thought. 'It should be about now . . .'

'What?'

Eddie continued to jump on the bed.'WHOOOOO! WHOOOOOOOOOO! Whoh.' The Comedian suddenly got extremely mellowed out mid-air and fell limply to the bed, landing on his ass. There came a deafening crack as the shotgun, which was strapped to his back, discharged, spraying the area with buckshot.

'Holy shit!' Lisa exclaimed as she flinched.

'Damn!' Rorschach said as he jumped in his seat.

James's mouth was open in pain as he lifted his leg up to find it completely littered with shrapnel, blood dripping all over his jeans. '. . . oww,' he said quietly. 'Do we have any Band-Aids around here?'

'No but I have this,' Lisa said as she injected him with an ampoule.

'Uh I think you should treat the wound,' Rorschach suggested.

But James's leg was strangely completely healed.

'That's a painkiller! What the fuck?' Rorschach exclaimed.

Lisa shrugged as James fell back in his chair, completely numb, and Eddie snored loudly on the mattress.

— — — Townshend — — —

Henry was jogging through the streets, randomly performing dance moves and cartwheels and flips and shit. Crazy stuff, man. He finally came to the doorway to the Green Lion. Unlocking it with the key, he entered to find a completely normal shop for antiques, almost like some sort of antique shop.

He found nothing peculiar, except for a dresser that appeared moved recently. Pushing it out of the way, he discovered . . .

'. . . a hole,' he declared dryly. 'Wow. A hole. As if I haven't seen enough holes in my damn life.' He sighed and tapped his foot impatiently. 'Oh I wonder where Cybil could be!' he yelled after a few minutes.

Author: You shot her in the face in the second chapter . . .

'What?' Henry said. He thought for a moment. 'Oh yeah!' he chuckled. 'Well, time to suffer from post-traumatic stress syndrome while walking through this man-sized hole.' Henry proceeded to suffer from post-traumatic stress syndrome while walking through a man-sized hole.

Upon breaking on through to the other side, Henry found himself before an altar, with a picture of a pretty kick-ass incubus demon and some candles and shit. I mean it's really not important. Anyway, what is important is that he noticed something hanging up on the wall.

'Is that . . .' he breathed as he fell back against the wall and started to hyperventilate. 'It is . . . oh . . . oh dear . . .' He stepped forward and gingerly took the axe that was hanging on the wall. 'My sweet, sweet axe . . . how I have missed you . . . I know you sucked in this game . . . but I will make you all better . . . shhhhh . . . it's okay, you're safe . . . you're safe . . .'

Author: Uhh . . .

He's scaring me.

Author: I think we should cut to someone else.

No one's doing anything.

Author: Huh. Well then. No choice . . .

Just then, the altar sprouted flames and the entire room combusted in a hellish storm of fire. Henry leapt to his feet and looked around, terrified. 'Fire! Fuck!' he screamed as he ran for the hole, but before he could make it, he got a terrible headache and passed out.

— — — The Tyrannosaurus Sex — — —

Claire was sitting in one of the seats, absently playing her bass, as the others sat and thought about what to do, while Setzer was flying the airship. She looked out the window and sighed. 'Son of a bitch.'

'What?' Setzer asked, annoyed.

'Remember that time Richard lost our first airship?'

'The Intercourse Maximus?'

'Yeah.'

'Yeah.'

'Look behind us.'

Setzer checked behind the airship, and sure enough, there was a red ship flying directly behind them, charging up its lazer beems. Lol just kidding. They were already charged.

'SON OF A SHIT BITCH ASS!' Setzer cried as he performed a barrel roll and evaded a huge blast. However, since this was on Earth and none of the occupants were strapped in except him, everyone tumbled around the airship like . . . things that tumble.

'What the hell is going on?' Richard demanded as he picked up his gun.

'Alfred!' Setzer yelled. 'Everyone buckle the fuck up!'

'Why?' Tom asked. 'What's—'

'Too late!' The gambler hit several switches and maneuvered the ship to fly in a vertical loop, ending up behind the Intercourse Maximus.

'Who the fuck is naming these ships?' Crono asked as the rest of the gang tumbled about the ship.

'Don't you be dissing my names!' Richard barked as he kicked open a hatch in the floor. 'Claire—'

'Richard—'

'Now is not the time!'

'But—'

'No buts!'

'I like big butts and a cannot—' Crono began before Amarant layed him out.

'Someone has to man that gun!' Richard declared.

Setzer drew a sharp breath. 'Oh yeah . . .'

'What?'

'The gatling gun down there, yeah, kinda forgot to restock that ammo.'

Richard stared at him. 'Tell me . . . you're kidding.'

'Why would I tell you that? I'm not kidding at all!'

Amarant stood up and walked over to them. 'So we're weaponless?'

'We've got the four of us!' Setzer exclaimed.

'. . .'

'Yeah we're pretty fucked aren't we?'

'Richard,' Amarant sighed. 'I never thought I would say this, but . . . you and I should teleport over there.'

'Good thinkin'!' Richard said as he high-fived the giant.

'I am coming too!' Robo beeped.

'As am I!' Frog declared.

Crono looked around. 'I'll stay with the ladies.'

'So will I,' Tom said.

'On second thought, wait for me,' Crono decided. The five touched each other—lol—and braced themselves.

'I'm sure this isn't that bad,' Robo booped.

Amarant looked at him. 'You just wait.'

And like that, the five of them were gone.

Setzer jumped up in his seat. 'You know what, I did actually restock the ammo! Ha! Man, good thing—wait, where'd they go?'

Claire slapped him hard in the face. 'You're an absolute dipshit, Setzer.'

— — — Somewhere Dark and Smelly — — —

'Ungh,' Henry moaned as he woke up on bloody, rusty grate flooring. He got to his feet and held his head in his hands. 'What the fuck is going on? This is the worst damn vacation I've ever had. Unless I'm dying in my car right now. Man. Sure hope THAT doesn't turn out to be the ending of the game! That would suck! Anyway, I should go see Lisa, I'll probably find James and everyone there.'

Stepping out of the antique shop, Henry was immediately greeted by an ape monster tackling him. 'Remember me, bitch?' it said as it wrapped its hands around his neck. Henry's axe was knocked out of reach.

'Listen,' Henry struggled to say. 'We don't have to settle it this way!'

'Oh really? How else can we settle it, you pacifist faggot?'

Henry bit his lip to stem the rage about to erupt from his soul. 'There's other ways than violence! We don't have to do this!'

'Name one other damn way!'

Henry thought, but, not being well-versed in the art of pacifism, he could think of nothing else but: 'Dance?'

'We can't fucking dance at a time like this!'

Suddenly the riff from 'Safety Dance' began to play as Henry got to his feet and the monster released his throat. Henry rubbed his neck and stepped forward, looking off into the blackness of the Otherworld.

'We can dance if we want to! We can leave your friends behind!' he said in time to the music as the two began to walk down the road. ''cause your friends don't dance, and if they don't dance, well they're no friends of mine!'

He turned to the ape. 'Say, we can go where we want to!' He patted him on the shoulder. 'A place where they will never find! And we can act like we come from out of this world, leave the real one far behind! We can dance!'

'Dansez!' the ape replied as the two held hands and danced in a circle around each other, then began to march down the street again.

'We can go when we want to! Night is young and so am I!' A small group of monsters began to gather behind the duo as they marched. 'And we can dress real neat, from our hats to our feet, and surprise 'em with a victory cry! Say, we can act if we want to! If we don't nobody will! And you can act real rude and totally removed and I can act like an imbecile! Say . . .'

All the monsters grabbed a partner and started dancing around each other while Henry walked around them and danced himself. 'We can dance — we can dance, everything's out of control!' He skipped to the edge of the street, just beside town center. 'We can dance — we can dance, they're doin' it pole-to-pole!' He watched as the monsters danced among themselves, and the ape that had been attacking him started taking over his part. 'We can dance — we can dance, everybody look at your hands! We can dance — we can dance, everybody's taking the chaaa-haaa-aaa-aaaaance!'

'Safe to dance!' the whole group cried as one. 'Well it's safe to dance! Yes it's safe to dance!'

'I'm a changed monster!' the ape yelled. 'I have seen the light! This feeling . . . such a great feeling! I feel so powerful, with the might of dance! Thank you Henry! Thank you a thousandfold! Ahahaha!'

Henry smiled broadly and waved as he danced into the Town Center, where upon entering he promptly grimaced and shuddered. 'Why the hell did I do that?' he wondered aloud, utterly sickened with himself. 'I could have killed them all and gotten here quicker! Oh well, what's done is done! Time to find Cheryl!'

He went to step on the escalator when suddenly a huge blob of televisions came to life and started showing weird symbols! Henry recoiled in surprise, holding his arm up to shield his eyes from the terror-inducing images that gnawed at his sanity like—

Author: Shut the hell up and get on with it.

—Henry recoiled in surprise.

'Daddy!' came Cheryl's voice as her image appeared on the screens. 'Daddy! Help me! Daddy, where are you?'

'Cheryl!' Henry cried as he leapt over to the televisions. 'Let her out! Let her out damn you!' He backed up to the other side of the room and charged at the array of TVs, diving headfirst into one just as the images flickered into repeats of the symbols. His head crashed through a TV and sparks flew everywhere.

'In hindsight,' he said as he pulled his bleeding head out of the TV. 'That was a James thing to do. I must remember to think about these things next time.' He climbed the escalators and moved to climb over a gaping hole in the floor via a section of the floor still intact. The floor caved as soon as he stepped on it, and he fell into a pit of . . . sand? Is it sand? It looks like sand, but I can't be sure, we'll have to take samples and wait for the results.

'I hate . . . everything,' he moaned as he stood and dusted himself off. 'Now—'

'OMM NOM NOM NOM!' came a voice from somewhere. A gigantic larva-worm-beetle-thing came out of the sand, with huge pincers and tons of itty-bitty legs. It was the cutest ugly thing you ever saw! 'WHOSSAT IN MAH SANDEH PEHT?'

'What?' Henry asked, confused.

'AH SEHD, WHOSSAT . . . IN . . . MAH SANDEH . . . PEHT?' the voice repeated.

'You need to see a speech therapist, dude, I got no clue what you're saying.'

'YUH MUST BEH HENREH TOWNSHEHND!' the voice declared. 'AH HAHV HERD ABAUHT YUH!

Henry sighed. 'Yeah, sure, whatever. Have you seen my daughter around here?'

'AH AM UNDAH STREHCT ORDEHS NOT TAH LEHT YUH TRUEEH!'

A moment passed. 'Ooookay then, I'm just gonna—'

'HAV AT YUH!' the thing cried as it barreled forward to snap him in half with its pincer-claw-vice things, I don't know.

'Son of a bitch,' Henry sighed as he whipped out the axe and wound up, releasing his signature Townshend Maneuver on the beast. The axe was repelled by the rock-hard shell-carapace-casing thing.

'HAH! AHM ENVEHNCEBEHL!' the thing chortled.

Henry huffed and looked around for some tool to help him in his kampf. As he did, the worm leapt and hit him in the face with its tail, knocking him across the room, into a rack of hunting rifles.

Our protagonist stared at them like they were Christmas presents before swiftly picking one up, loading it with the infinite ammo slug, and tactical rolling into the sand, coming up just as the worm was.

'Taste hot lead, mothafucka!' he cried as he squeezed off three shots into the monster's face-mouth-head thing. It reared back and shrieked.

'BULULULULU! WUT WAS TAHT FOHR?' it cried.

'Shut the hell up, you make NO SENSE!' Henry yelled as he popped six more rounds into the thing.

'AH, AHM AOUTTA HEHR!' it declared as it escaped via the front door. A novel idea, according to rocket scientists.

'This town is pissing me off! Where the hell is my daughter, so I can go back to 302 and get wasted!' Henry huffed as he made his way toward Alchemilla. All the monsters were with the ape, having a jammin' dance party.

— — — Alchemilla — — —

'I'm bored,' James sighed.

'Me too,' Rorschach agreed. 'We need to get out of this town, to hell with Henry.'

'I can't leave without my water chip!' James reminded. 'I think now is the time to go get that, amiright?'

'What?'

'Am I valid in that statement?'

'Oh, yes.'

'Wait! You guys can't go!' Lisa pleaded. 'I'm terrified to be here alone!'

'Come with us!' James offered.

'Hell no! You guys are gonna get killed as soon as you get to the streets.'

'Bitch!' Rorschach screamed as he sailed to punch her, but James and Eddie held him back.

'Calm down man!' Eddie said. 'Calm down!'

Rorschach's breathing slowed and he dusted himself off.

'Punching broads is my thing!' Eddie reminded as he turned and layed Lisa out with a haymaker. 'Okay, let's get the fuck outta here.'

They all nodded, and walked out the door.

— — — Five minutes later — — —

'Lisa?' Henry cried as he walked in and found the nurse wiping blood from her nose. 'What happened?'

'Your dumbass friend punched me!' Lisa cried, infuriated. 'Where the hell did you go? I was so scared all alone! Especially with them!'

'It's okay, I'm here now, baby,' Henry said as she embraced him.

'Baby?'

'What? Anyway, I have no fucking clue what to do now. Lisa, where were those morons headed? This is turning out to be harder than I thought.'

'They said something about a Water Chip. There's an emporium on the other side of town, near the lake.'

'How do I get there?' Henry asked.

'Bachman Road, dumbass, check your map.'

'The roads are all out. Is there any other way? A super-easy, safe way filled with bullets and hot women in need of loving?'

'No, but there's a sewer by the school.'

'Oh, that works, I guess.' Henry turned to leave.

'WAIT!' Lisa cried. 'Don't go! Don't leave me here alone! It's so scary I'm going out of my fucking MIND!'

'Then why don't you come with me? I'm not makin' promises or anything but I'll do my best to protect you.'

'No, I—'

'Then WHAT THE FUCK do you want?' Henry said, throwing up his hands. 'I have to get my little girl. As soon as I get her, I'll come back for you, I guess. But if I do, you better be ready to get a little Henry in your system.' He winked.

'You are a father, you sick bastard.'

'I know,' Henry sighed. 'Just, meet the people I live with and you'll understand why I'm desperate. Anyway, I'm off to chase a bunch of dipshits around town, I guess. Catch on you on the flip side! LAY-TAAAA!' Henry threw his hand up and walked out of the door like he was all-that.

Outside of the hospital, he noticed that the rest of the road was obliterated, save a small path that led to the top of a building. Jogging his way to the top, he found a gigantic moth waiting for him.

'Hello,' the moth said in an extremely dignified manner. 'I am the moth. It is my sworn duty to obstruct the path of Henry Townshend in his desire to reach his daughter in the hopes that Wallace the Daemon may be summoned. I apologize for using violence but understand that this is my sole purpose in life, and therefore I truly have no voice in the matter.'

Henry stared at it for several seconds.

'In any case, I am afraid that this is the section of the story in which you are terminated. I truly—'

It was at this moment that a gigantic red ship barreled into the moth and tore it in half. Flames were spewing from out the back of the vehicle and there was maniacal laughing and lots of gunshots emanating from the interior. Henry could only stare as the ship crashed to the ground and took out a slew of buildings.

Distantly he heard a roaring sound and a horn honking. Looking behind him he saw a pair of headlights flying downward right where he was standing. 'FUCK!' he screamed as he tore ass to the other side of the roof just as the thing hit, the resulting explosion launching him off the roof into the unknown . . .

To Be Continued . . .

Will Henry be okay? Will James ever find his Water Chip? Is it really safe to dance? Find out in Chapter 11 of the Nameless Parody 4!

EF: Quality Time.

Richard: YEAAAH!

Amarant: Kick ass.

Henry: HOOOOOOOOOOOO BOOOOOOOY!

EF: Alright, let's get this show on the road. First question comes from our good friend Psychoburner420! He asks: "Did you cheat in the poker game that caused the naming of the Tyrannosaurus Sex, are you just a truly amazing poker player, or did you distract them all with Maria's breasts?"

Richard: Interesting question. You see, it's funny that you mention Maria because this was waaaaay back, when I was alive and my wang functioned. So I was nailin' chicks left and right, and havin' sex to boot! HA! Anywho, there was this broad, alright, this smokin' hot blonde babe, who we brought on the then-nameless tour bus.

Amarant: This better be going somewhere.

Henry: Fuck it going anywhere except the bedroom!

Richard: Shut it up! Anywhy, me and Setzer were playing poker to see who could name the ship. Well we all were playing but Claire was too busy gettin' some and Ocelot didn't know how to play so he folded ASAP. So me and Setzer are bee-boppin' along, playin' some cards, when, don'tcha know it, my hand turns out to be a steaming pile of shit.

Richard: So I got this blonde chick to come over and give Setzer a lap dance while I nab his cards and rig them to suck royal ass! AHAHA! And the best part is, that chick turned out to be Maria!

Henry: That is awesome!

Amarant: Kinda is actually.

Richard: It got really hilarious when Setzer found out Maria and him were related! HIS FACE WAS PRICELESS! HE THREW UP FOR THREE HOURS! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Henry: And there it goes.

Amarant: Like the wind.

EF: . . . . . just eww.

Richard: Aww fuck you guys, you have no sense of humor.

EF: . . . anyway, we have a whopping total of 3 questions from Lord Darkcomet, who asks first: "First obviously for Richard. I sent my ninja's to do some dirt digging on you and have discovered something horrific, a sex tape featuring you, Necron, Exdeath, and Salazaar. My question is what the hell brought that on?"

Amarant: Fuck, I can explain this one.

Richard: Yeah.

Henry: Wha-what?

EF: Yes, I'd like to hear this. I think. Probably not. But I'll listen anyway.

Amarant: Okay, so we all know Salazaar has this whole thing for pain, you know?

Henry: We do now.

Richard: Well he does, and he's also got necrophelia. So he hired Necron to kidnap me so he could diddle me while I slept. Unfortunately no one realized that ghosts are super-sensitive to disturbances.

Amarant: Yeah, on that tape I believe Salazaar screams 'He's moving, oh God, he's moving.'

Richard: It ruined it for him, but he refused to pay the other guys without some sex, so Exdeath took him on.

Henry: Why are YOU in the video after that?

Richard: Well Necron offered me a drink and you know me: I never refuse a drink. After a few shots I started to see things, and I thought Necron was Eileen, so I started to make out with him. Apparently he is gay, so he didn't stop me, and then I thought the other guys were Playboy Bunnies and things got out of hand WAAAAAAY too quickly.

EF: Wait, how does Amarant know this stuff too?

Amarant: Who do you think held the camera?

Henry: (EXTREME VOMIT ACTION)

Amarant: Hey man, I was seeing things too, sue me.

EF: Because I don't want to talk about this ever again, let's move on to the second question: "Amarant, is it true that you once had a month long orgy in Tibet?"

Amarant: Yes.

Richard: . . .

Henry: . . . that it?

Amarant: He didn't ask for details or anything. You guys are so stupid. And kind of disgusting.

EF: True that. Last question of the chapter: "Henry, Here is a hammer, can you solve the meaning of life?"

Henry: Hmm. You know, I think the meaning of life is that we have to hit the nail on the head. We have to be accurate with our life, aim to kill, no matter what. Precision is the only path in life.

Richard: No you bitch, it's 42.

Amarant: Idiot.

Henry: . . . fuck.

EF: Well that wraps this episode up! Tune in next time for an exciting chapter in which nothing happens! Til next time!

Amarant: See ya.

Richard: Bye!

Henry: I still have to puke!