It occurred to me that I might want to go and find him, eventually. Just to make sure that he hadn't actually, you know, really felt something and keeled over from the shock. But if Heero came up against something he couldn't deal with, I doubt any of us could help him. I mean... seriously, he's Heero. They call him the Perfect Soldier for a reason.
Though, really, I think I'm going to kill whoever came up with that little title. It seems to have served him way too well. That thoughtful little look in his eyes when he left looked a bit too... confused. Like he had no idea as to what the hell he should do with the feelings I sort of stuck in his head.
But while I was spending my time thinking about Heero, about the way I woke up to him being there... I realized I couldn't sleep. And yeah, I know, he's going to kill me for getting up, but it's not like I'm going to bleed to death. So I got up, and really, I think he doesn't give me enough credit. I'm not exactly fragile. I've been shot, blown up, thrown in a ditch, stabbed, slashed, strangled, tortured and I'm still here - we all are. Isn't it sort of... our job to get blown up a little bit? You don't exactly become a Gundam pilot without realizing that eventually somebody's going to hit you. Repeatedly.
So I wandered to his room - shirtless... well... for no good reason - and knocked. Hey, if a guy doesn't answer, doesn't that mean you're allowed to open the door and see if, I don't know, they got blown out of a window? So I went in. And his room... was actually pretty surprising. It was neat, yes, and his bed was made with hospital corners, for crying out loud - but I didn't expect the notebooks. Those little black and white ones that they make you have for school, that you write in every day, usually "I ate a hot dog. I hate school." and that's pretty much it? Stacks of them, on a small set of shelves. All neatly labeled, because I looked. I know, I shouldn't have, but if YOU were in Heero's room, wouldn't you? This was a once in a lifetime opportunity, people. To see into the mind of the one and only Perfect Soldier - and the hottest guy I've EVER met - would be a chance I probably wouldn't ever get again, with the way things were going.
Flipping through them, I couldn't help but smile at his small, precise writing - everything about Heero seemed to be official, on the outside. But like this book, on the inside, something's a little different. It seems Heero had a journal - never a diary, heaven fucking forbid the day you mention to Heero Yuy you believe he has a diary - and while much of it detailed our missions, there were a few interesting tidbits. Written with some obscure dating that I'm fairly certain hasn't been around for decades:
"12/24
At the designated point. The informant has not yet appeared, and I am in a secure location.
That said, when he gets here, I would very much like to rip his fucking eyes out. I've met him before, on dates including 9/03, 6/08, and several others. He always seems to be testing me, seeing if he can make me snap. He has that look in his eyes, that he wants proof that I am the Perfect Soldier.
So maybe I'll prove it to him. It might even make this day bearable.
Merry Christmas."
I'm not entirely certain if he was serious or not, but I do remember that night. He came home with this... primal, feral look in his eyes, as if he were an untamed, wild cat, stalking his prey. It took my breath away. I wish he'd look at me that way again...
The next few entries took my breath away too, but for a different reason. The writing was jagged and loose, scrawling all over the page, screaming his pain for only his eyes to see, bearing witness to the uncontrollable rage and agony that built up inside of him.
Flipping to the entries for the past few days, I dropped the book and ran, only to grab the wall to keep from falling. Damn. Heero was right, I shouldn't be up, but the words kept roaming through my mind as I moved as fast as I could, grabbing my jacket, out the door, despite the protests of the other pilots. I think it was Trowa that held them back, and I reminded myself to thank him later.
I never, ever would have thought that Heero could ask for help. That he would write about his various torments, write why he does this to himself. Write my fucking name dug into the page like he had pressed in as much as he dared, "Duo, please. I need your help." And I never fucking listened to the way he kept to himself too much, unusual even for him lately. To the way his eyes were losing a bit of their light, like they had before, every time he's gone too long...
But it felt a bit different, this time, and as I knocked on the door of his Gundam, barged in as he didn't answer, I finally saw what he would never have the courage to show me. His flesh cut to ribbons, words slashed into his arms, unreadable through the blood, through... if I read it right, through the evidence of the only way he could cry. I knew what he did here, but I never imagined it would be like this. It looked sort of like he'd just... lost it, letting go of everything holding him here.
And his eyes were so soft as he looked up at me; I could have stared into his eyes forever, but he sighed. "Duo," he stated - that's all it was, a statement so quiet that I could barely hear it as I carefully gathered him up from the ball he'd curled into, bracing him against my chest, digging for the med kit he always kept in here - the "other" med kit. His eyes were just so gentle, so shocking that I held him, the kit on his lap, my fingers gently stroking the bleeding flesh, and with a sadness I never knew he could even feel, he smiled at me, and whispered, "I knew one day you'd come. Now I can sleep..." Those vulnerable, childlike words tore through my heart and I put pressure on the wounds, trying to think as I cried - I was crying? When did that happen? - and started trying to fix the mess he'd made. Before he really did sleep.
"It's okay," I whispered over and over, the irony that I'd said it a mere hour ago about just such an event like this not lost on me. When I said it, I never figured he'd just rush out and...
I think that we have an awful lot to discuss if I can pull this off without making it worse.
I'm sorry, Heero. Sorry that I never knew, that I never came to help you. That I only watched, I'll only watch if you want me to. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry...