Chapter 10: Operation: Kidnap Child!

Suigetsu yawned. Itachi and Sasuke had begun their battle with genjutsu, and as such it was incredibly boring. As far as he could tell from their occasional muttering, they were playing monopoly.

"What's that, Frederick?" Said Juugo. Frederick whispered in Juugo's ear, causing him to yell "LOOK OUT SASUKE!".

Sasuke snapped out of the genjutsu and dodged just in time to avoid Bobbith's rabid clawing.

"Give it up, Itachi! You can't win! We're equal in genjutsu, and your blindness makes me better than you in everything else!" Smirked Sasuke confidently.

"Oh yeah? Bobbith! Ratatouille formation!"

Bobbith promptly leapt on Itachi's head and grabbed clumps of hair that were magically connected directly to his central nervous system. When the fight began, Bobbith started pushing and pulling these hairs, causing Itachi to move. They were exactly equal.

"WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?" yelled Sasuke furiously.

"Itachi! You have to hurry up! The operation has begun, remember?" yelled Kisame glumly. He really wanted to see those fish.

"Oh all right. Hey Sasuke-Karin Sakura nose fire." After hearing these words, Sasuke collapsed in the fetal position, sobbing.

"How'd you do that?" Asked Kisame.

"Dunno. I was just going to keep saying random words while Bobbith got out her secret walnut bazooka. But this works too."

"Anyway, we gotta hurry!"

With that, the duo sprinted away towards the village entrance.

"What do we do with Sasuke?" asked Suigetsu.

"I say we poke him with these sharp sticks I found!" yelled Juugo.

"Dude…You read my mind."

Meanwhile…

"AAARRRGHHH!!!!!"

"WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYYYYYYY?!?!?!?"

"AJKLDJBAHJHBFDK!!! THERE'S PAPER INSIDE MY AQUEUS HUMOR!!!!!"

Konan paid no heed to the screams of the guards by the town gate. After a few more minutes of brutal mutilation, she took out her cell phone and called Zetsu.

"Hey, what is it?"

"WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, YOU FREAKY SCHITZOFRENIC FERN?!?!?!"

"I been…uh…busy. Anyway, I got the south gate, and I'm heading towards-"

"Is that Konan on the phone?"

"Zetsu shut up!"

"You shut up! Let me talk to Konan!"

"Leggo-OWSUNNOVA-Hi Konan!"

Konan sighed and hung up the phone. No matter how many times she tried to talk to Zetsu, she simply never got used to him. Suddenly, Pein, Pein, Pein, Pein, Pein, and Pein appeared.

"How's the plan going?" asked Pein."Okay, I guess. Zetsu took out the guards at his gate, but he's arguing with himself, so he'll be late. How'd east and west gates go?"

"KICKASS! I got so many toes for my toe collection!" yelled Pein.

"I still say my elbow collection is better." Said Big Pein.

"Anyway, the escape is set up. We just need the blind guy, the fish guy, the psychotic guy, the shrub guy, and the Tobi/Madara guy to show up, and we can go." Said Pein.

"I wonder where our target is…" murmured Konan.

At the library…

"FUCK! I fucking HATE libraries! They call my religion a "disgraceful and violent cult". I'm not disgraceful or violent!" yelled Hidan as he finished eating his baby leg.

"HEY! You stole one of my baby legs! YOU BASTARD!" shouted Madara angrily.

"Oh, get over it. You ate like, I dunno, 43 fucking babies at the hospital?" said Hidan grumpily.

"Hang on a sec.." said Madara. He peered around a corner, and turned to Hidan. "Quick, open your mouth!"

Hidan opened his mouth and immediately had Madara's hand shoved down his throat. The hand emerged with a mucous covered cell phone. Madara quickly turned it on and activated the video function, and began recording what he saw around the corner.

Hidan rolled a few times and managed to see what Madara was recording.

"They're doing it wrong. They don't have any rabid wolves, or torture devices, or even an executioner for the end!" mused Hidan angrily.

"Dude, shut up! Do you have ANY IDEA how much Hugh Hephner would pay for this!?!?!?" yelled Madara loudly. Naruto and Hinata immediately ceased their activities and turned around.

"WHAT THE FUCK!!!! It's you guys AGAIN!?!?!" yelled Naruto angrily. Hinata, who was pretty pissed off herself, began cracking her knuckles.

"It's okay, Hidan. I did my research, so I know exactly how to defeat them." Said Madara calmly. Inhaling, he whispered the following words that would lead to the next several chapters of this brilliant parody, which is being turned into a full motion picture and is already nominated for ALL the Oscars (I'm played by Mathew Damon!):

"Naruto is happy."

Immediately, Sakura flew through the window, punched Naruto and Hinata 5,463,879,592,364 times in three seconds, and flew away. Madara scooped up Naruto's body, grabbed Hidan's travel string, and began sprinting towards the gates.

Meanwhile…

Kisame was so happy, he was practically cheering. Everybody was still waiting for Zetsu, Madara and Hidan, so he had been able to sneak off and visit the aquarium! He even managed to win a game of "shred your face off with my huge-ass sword" and got a shark in a giant plastic baggie!

"I'm gonna name you Chrysanthimum Juliper!" said Kisame happily as he looked over Chrysanthimum. He was foaming at the mouth, as he had eaten the aquarium guard's face when Kisame wasn't looking and had developed a taste for blood.

When Kisame arrived at the gates, Zetsu had shown up.

"Hello, everyone!...Hey, do you smell flowers?"

Zetsu began coughing nervously.

"You know, now that you mention it…"

"SO! Where are Hidan and Madara?" asked Zetsu nervously.

"I don't know. I hope Madara gets here, though-I need his sharingan to count the pebbles I shoved under this guy's toe." Said Pein. If he beat his record of 712, he would put this toe on the mantelpiece.

"FUCK! We're here!" yelled Hidan as he, Madara, and a still-unconcious Naruto arrived.

"Hey, you guys are-um, why is the kyuubi kid naked?" asked Kisame, puzzled.

"Well, it's a long story, but let's just say that I just got us free playboy magazine subscriptions for life." Said Madara. He than heard movement and turned around. "OOOHH! A puppy!"

"Alrighty, I can see some ninjas heading this way-time to deactivate Madara." Said Konan. Moving towards the Uchiha-who had just finished eating the puppy-she whispered in his ear "Madara, grandfather wishes to play croquet."

Immediately, Madara's sharingan disappeared, and was replaced with a simple-looking black hole.

"Hey guys! The Disney store here KICKS ASS! Lookit all the stuff I gots!" yelled Tobi as he took out roughly 2000 dolls.

"Tobi, as much as we'd love to feign interst in your dolls and feed them to Big Pein in front of you when your guard is down, NINJAS ARE CHASING US AND WE HAVE TO LEAVE!!!" Yelled Itachi as he began running.

"OH NO! Hidan, time to use your flying powers! We'll meet you at the base!" Yelled Tobi. Grabbing Hidan's string, he began spinning the psychotic head and let go, sending him far into the stratosphere.

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuck!"

"Should he have done that?" asked Zetsu Black.

"Yeah, we might have been able to use him for a doorstop or something." Said Zetsu White.

"Yeah, well, we'll worry about him later. Now let's get this naked ramanophile to our base!" yelled Pein.

With that noble sentiment, the Akatsuki fled deep into the night.

Next Chapter: What do you MEAN nobody's available? Assembling the Rescue Squad!

AU: sorry it took me so long to update, but as I have said before, a lot of stuff is happening right now. By the way, before I forget, it appears that dangos are in fact rice dumplings, not bean dumplings! Anyway, I'm THRILLED that I've gotten this many reviews! Thank You!