A/N: WhatsMyNomdePlume betas even when out of the country and internet-less!

*0*0*

"So we'll talk next week and see if we can reschedule. Okay… I know… it's a pain. Yeah…Thanks. We'll talk soon." Jane makes a kissy noise into her phone before ending the call.

I feel Bella's hand tighten on mine and I look over at her. Her knee is bouncing up and down like crazy and she's glaring daggers at Jane, who is completely oblivious. We've been sitting in the Family Lounge for less than an hour and the animosity radiating from Bella has increased exponentially with every word Jane has said. I don't blame her. Listening to Jane reschedule her life around the inconvenience of my father's massive heart attack is making me want to commit murder myself.

Thankfully I'm saved from committing homicide by the sudden reappearance of Dr. Stewart in the door. I scramble to my feet, shaking my head so I can clear the fog and focus. I'm so fucking tired. Bella is right behind me and as soon as I reach Dr. Stewart, I feel her fingers wind through with mine. I grip her hand tightly, focusing on that to hold myself together. Jane holds up a finger to shush us as she finishes typing out a text before pulling herself to her feet to join us.

"What's going on?" I ask the doctor. "How is he doing?"

"I'm afraid I don't really have anything new to tell you," he replies. "His condition is the same. If you want to go and get some sleep, the nurses will be happy to call you if there's any change in his situation."

"I'm not leaving," I say immediately.

"It's entirely your choice, of course."

"I won't be able to sleep anyway."

Bella squeezes my hand before she steps forward to talk to Dr Stewart herself. "Is he intubated?"

Dr. Stewart looks startled but nods. "Yes, he is."

Bella launches into a litany of questions regarding which drugs have been administered and what the readings of various tests were. She listens intently to every answer, nodding slightly, taking it all in. She's asking all the things I probably should have asked and didn't even think to. I'm torn between feeling like a failure and feeling abjectly grateful that she's here to do it.

When Dr. Stewart has finished reciting my father's entire chart to her, Bella finally seems satisfied. I look at her, but she just shrugs. "When I was in high school, this happened to my dad's best friend."

I squeeze her fingers. "Thank you."

She smiles. It's small and tired, but it's there.

Dr. Stewart leaves and the three of us stand in awkward silence for a minute.

Then Jane yawns loudly.

I roll my eyes, but take the cue. "Jane, why don't you go home and get some sleep? You heard what he said. It's just about waiting now."

"Are you sure?" she protests weakly.

"Yeah, I'm sure. I'm not leaving and there's no point in both of us staying."

"Well, if it's really okay…"

I insist that it is a few more times before she gratefully caves in and leaves. As soon as she's out of the Family Lounge, Bella lets out an exasperated groan.

"Jesus Christ," she mutters.

In spite of everything, I chuckle. "Yeah, I know."

She sighs and goes back into the room, tugging me after her. The other guy that was in here left hours ago, so now it's just us. My father's business partner, Marcus, came by briefly earlier in the night, expressing his concern and offering to help with anything we needed. But he looked so awkward and uncomfortable that I took pity on him, insisting that we had everything fully in hand, which is a lie, and that we'd call him with any news. He looked relieved to be let off the hook.

Bella sinks down on the empty couch and I sit next to her.

"Are you sure you want to stay?" she asks.

"It's just too soon. Maybe if he's better in a little while I'll go, but not yet." I swallow hard and force the next words out. "You don't need to stay—"

Bella's hand shoots up until her fingers are on my lips. "Hey, I said I'd stay. I'm staying."

I smile weakly against her fingertips. She slides them back, over my cheek and into my hair, her nails scraping my scalp a little. I close my eyes and moan.

"You look exhausted," she says gently.

"Mmmhmm."

"C'mon." She tugs on my arm and I open my eyes heavily to look at her. She pats her lap. "It's one in the morning. Stretch out and close your eyes for a few minutes. You won't miss anything. I promise."

"No, I can't…"

Bella rolls her eyes at me. "Don't be Jane with the fake protesting. Just put your head down and rest. You need it, Edward."

And she's right. God, do I need it. I need to rest, and I need Bella. I need her warmth and her hands and her reassuring presence. So I let her tug me down until I'm stretched out on the sofa with my head in her lap. Her fingers immediately sink into my hair and I sigh, feeling the tense air leave every last corner of my body.

She's warm and soft and smells good. Her fingertips make a slow, steady circuit through my hair—from my temple, up and over my ear, and down the back of my head—over and over. It feels so good, so easy and sweet and comforting. I curl my arm around her knees, hugging her close. She reaches her free hand down and settles it over mine where it's resting on her thigh. Nothing feels like this and nothing ever will. Ten minutes ago, peace like this seemed impossible, but I find it under her hands. My last fleeting thought is that I need to do whatever it takes to never, ever lose this—to never lose her.

*0*0*

"Edward."

I feel like I've sunk down to the bottom of the ocean. The air around me feels as heavy as the sea as I fight my way up to the surface of consciousness.

"Edward."

Warm fingers slide down my face and I inhale sharply. I smell antiseptic and burned coffee. The events of the last day shake into place in my head and I startle awake fully.

"Shhh." Bella's hand squeezes my shoulder. "Dr. Stewart is here."

I sit bolt upright and blink a few times to pull him into focus.

"Sorry to wake you, Mr. Masen," he says, blinking back at me through his smudgy glasses.

"It's fine. Is he alright?"

"I'm going off shift and I wanted to stop in and update you before I left. His situation is still more or less unchanged, but he's stable, so that, in itself, is positive. If you wanted to go home and get a few hours sleep, I think it would be safe to do so. They'll do another x-ray in the morning, so that's probably the earliest you'll learn anything new."

I look at Bella, desperate for someone to help me make these decisions, because I'm a mess. "What do you think?"

"I think we should go," she says, slowly. "We'll come back first thing tomorrow."

I nod. "Okay. That's what we'll do. Thanks, Dr. Stewart."

He gives me a tense little smile and then he's gone. Bella and I don't say anything else to each other, we just shuffle to the elevators and out of the hospital. Outside, under the entrance awning, I pause and stretch, looking around. It's still dark outside, although where we are is lit up as bright as day with fluorescent lights. It must be sometime in the very early morning.

I cast a quick glance at Bella, wondering what happens now. For the last few hours in the hospital we were sort of in suspended animation, the reality of her and my situation temporarily forgotten. Now we're back in the real world for the moment and I'm wondering what she'll do. Will she stay with me or go home? I really want her to stay, but I feel like I'm just asking, asking, asking.

"Where's your car?" she asks, startling me. "I'll just leave mine here since we're coming back so soon."

I'm so relieved I could kiss her, but that doesn't seem appropriate quite yet, so I reach for her hand instead. She weaves her fingers through mine and squeezes. I'm not going to question anything just yet. It's all still out there, hovering over our heads, but it'll have to stay there for now. I need us to be like this for just a little longer until I'm strong enough to face the future, whatever it holds.

Back at my place, I unlock the door and step to the side to let her in ahead of me. It's dark and a little stuffy since Jasper's still away with Alice and I haven't been here since early the morning before. I stuff my hands in my pockets, wondering how I should handle this. Are we sleeping? Or is this when we talk? But Bella once again takes the decision away from me. She pulls one of my hands free and tugs me after her down the hall to my room. Inside, she drops her bag and her coat by the door and reaches up to pull her hair out of its ponytail.

She looks at me for a minute, tired and apprehensive. Then she says softly, "Let's just get some sleep while we can."

I just nod and start stripping down to my boxers and t-shirt. Bella helps herself to a t-shirt from my drawer. Despite the fact that we're both mostly undressed in my bedroom, the site of countless scenes of sexual abandon, there's not a flicker of that present right now. Bella pulls back the blanket and crawls in, settling down on what I've come to think of as her side. She looks up at me and holds out her hand. I take it, grateful—so very grateful—that she's here with me and staying. I settle into my favorite spot on earth, right behind her, my cheek resting against her hair, her back tucked into my front with my arm around her waist. Her hand settles on top of mine and squeezes. I wrap my arm even more tightly around her, hoping that I never have to let her go.

*0*0*

I wake up again as soon as the sky begins to lighten. I'm still so exhausted, but it's like my brain is keeping track of reality even when I'm asleep and wants to make sure I don't miss a minute of the misery.

What I'm faced with when I first open my eyes is not at all miserable though. Bella's back in my bed, tangled around me. She's turned during her sleep so that she's facing me. One of my legs has wormed its way between hers and I can feel the heat of her bare thighs on either side of mine. My shirt has twisted around her body and ridden up to expose her stomach. My forearm is pressed against her bare skin. I shift so I can open my hand and lay my palm against her back.

She makes a soft, breathy moaning sound, turning her face up under my chin and moving closer. Her hand is on my hip and then it runs up my side to my shoulder. I close my eyes and just feel. She was asleep a second ago, but I don't think she is anymore. I'm sure of it when I feel her kiss the underside of my jaw. My body responds, whether it should or not. And then, she responds to my body, pressing her hips against my growing erection. My thigh slides up until it hits the apex of hers. She moans again, the sound more intentional this time.

Fuck, this is all wrong. We shouldn't; nothing's been said or fixed or dealt with yet. This might make everything so much worse later. And the timing absolutely sucks. But right now, I really don't care. She's warm and soft with sleep, and I'm tired and hard and desperate for her. She starts to grind against me and I grind back.

I groan and give up, rolling her until she's under me. She gasps and her legs fall open. One shift of my weight and I'm between them, thrusting against her in earnest now. I kiss the side of her neck and the slope of her shoulder. Her hands fist into my shirt and her back arches up off the bed.

"Bella," I sigh into her hair. "We… I can't… I need…" I can't finish my fucking sentence. We should stop, but I don't want to. If I say anything else, we'll stop. Am I asking her to stop us because I can't? Or am I asking for permission to just keep going?

"Please…" she moans, her hands sliding up into my hair.

I raise my head to look at her, finally. Her eyes are still heavy with sleep and her cheeks are flushed, but she's awake and aware. She wants this, too… she wants me. I don't know whether it's lust or comfort or some brand new thing, but I don't want to think anymore. I just want to feel. So I don't say anything else, I just reach for a condom.

It's slow and deep. I just rock against her, pushing in hard and steady. We're too tired and strung out for sexual gymnastics. That's not what this is about anyway. She never lets me go, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and her calves around my hips, holding me to her until I start to shake and groan.

"I'm almost there," I whisper.

"Do it," she says, kissing the side of my neck.

"Are you…"

"No, just you. Just you this time."

I kiss her cheek, my last coherent action. I come hard, gripping her hips as I drive into her. She holds on tight as I fracture over her, gasping . She pulls my head onto her chest, stroking my sweaty hair off my face as I slowly recover.

A long time later, she speaks. "God, we always get this backwards, don't we?"

"What do you mean?" I ask, not raising my head.

"This. We have so much to talk about, but instead, we had sex."

"Sorry," I say, even though I'm not really. "Are you upset about that?"

Her hands dig into my hair and tug, making me moan. "No."

"Good."

"So, can I talk now?"

I smile against her chest and press a kiss to her breastbone. "You can always talk."

She nudges me. "You know what I mean. I have a lot of stuff that I need to say. Do you feel like you can do this now?"

I close my eyes, dreading this but knowing it needs to be done, so I nod. She keeps stroking my hair, letting her fingertips run down over my shoulders on each pass. She's quiet for a while, for so long that I'm wondering if she's changed her mind about saying anything.

Then she takes a deep breath. I can feel it fill her chest under my cheek. "I think I love you," she says quietly. "No, that's not right. I know I do."

I blink.

I'm startled, stunned, and surprisingly I'm still really angry. I didn't realize I was until she told me the very thing I hoped to hear and instead of feeling happy, all I feel is hurt. Still.

"You have a funny way of showing it." Then I flinch and close my eyes. So wrong. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I didn't—"

"No," Bella cuts me off. She gives me a nudge and I sigh, sliding off her. She immediately rolls to her side to face me, scooting down until her face is level with mine. She fumbles down until she finds one of my hands and brings it up to hold with both of hers, between us. "I deserved that," she starts again, looking me straight in the eye. "I'm so sorry for how badly I handled everything. I told you how I feel so I can explain why."

I scowl in confusion. She gives me a little half-smile and shakes her head against the pillow.

"Edward, you… terrify me."

"Excuse me? Terrify?"

Bella raises my hand and kisses my knuckles. "Yes, terrify. You're thrilling and comforting and sweet and exciting and it's all so terrifying. Can I explain?"

I nod. "You'd better."

She looks down at our joined hands and chews her bottom lip for a minute, considering what she wants to say. "You know how serious I am about school, right?"

"Of course I do."

She nods once, eyes still down. "I haven't… been with anybody since undergrad. I broke up with my last boyfriend at the start of my senior year and…"

"Nobody since then?"

"Nobody. I knew I wanted to do this… grad school, my PhD. And I knew it wouldn't be easy. I didn't want any distractions. Then when I met you that first night, and you were just looking to get lucky—"

"It's more than that now," I protest.

She glances up at me with a smile. "I know. Well… anyway. I don't make a habit out of that. Hooking up with random guys."

I close my eyes and swallow, remembering all those horrible things I shouted at her on the sidewalk outside the restaurant. "I know that. You've never been like that. I'm sorry about what I said the other day. I didn't mean it."

"We were both upset and we both said things we didn't mean. Let's just forget that part, okay?"

I want to. We're curled together naked and warm and touching and she's saying she loves me. I want to forget it all and start over from this moment. But one thing keeps nagging at me. I keep seeing her face when she looked up to find me standing behind her in the restaurant. The shame on it.

I don't want to say it, but I have to. "You're ashamed of me, Bella. I can't forget that part."

Her eyes go wide and her hands tighten on mine. "No! No, I'm not. I swear it."

I close my eyes so I don't have to see her earnest, desperate face. "I saw the way you looked—when you realized I was there. You were ashamed."

"Not of you. I was ashamed of me. The second I saw you there and saw the way you were looking at me, I knew how I'd made you feel—and I felt so terrible. It's the worst thing I've ever done."

Her voice is getting teary and I can't stand it—I need to comfort her. I raise my free hand to cup her face and run my fingers back into her hair. "But you didn't want me to meet your dad. I mean, I get it. There's not much about me to impress somebody like your dad—or your friends. I'm sure everybody would have asked you why you were wasting your time on me. "

"Stop talking about yourself like that."

"It's true. You've got your life together. You know what you're doing. I'm totally fucking lost."

Bella closes her eyes and shakes her head in frustration. "That stuff is just superficial. The circumstances of your life don't define who you are. You're more than a job and a plan, Edward."

"So why didn't you want me to meet him?"

When she answers, her voice is a little sharper and she arches that eyebrow at me. "I'll remind you that you didn't want to meet him at first, either. You should have seen your face when I mentioned he was coming. You totally panicked."

I wince because she's right. I was a total coward. "Okay. Point taken. I didn't. It freaked me out and I was scared. But it turns out, he was fine."

She smiles and runs her fingertips over my knuckles one at a time. "I think he'd like you if he met you for real."

I smile, too. "We'll give that a try sometime. Now answer the question. Why did you hide me?"

She sighs, her playfulness evaporating. "I just didn't know what to say about you. I knew if he met you, he'd ask questions about us, and nothing I could say about what we were doing sounded good. And that just made me feel worse. Because then I had to face that I really wasn't okay with what we were doing or I wouldn't feel the need to hide it." Bella stops and shakes her head sadly.

"Bella—" I want to tell her once again that this is more than casual sex and it has been almost from the start, but she cuts me off.

"Do you remember that night you came to the bar with Alice and Jasper when I was working?"

I pause to think about where she's going with this. "Yeah, I remember."

"That night, when I saw you with that girl—"

"I didn't go home with her. I didn't even want to talk to her. She was just some friend of Alice's."

"That's not even the point. It wasn't about you, it was about me. When I saw you with her, I was so… hurt and furious and insanely jealous."

"Hey—"

"No, I know. It wasn't anything. But the way it made me feel… that's when I realized I was in trouble. That I cared about you way more than I should. And I was terrified. I was in too deep and I didn't know what to do."

She closes her eyes and shakes her head. I squeeze her fingers to encourage her to keep going.

"What were you so afraid of?" I ask her.

She takes a deep breath and when she starts talking again, her voice is low and uncertain.

"I wasn't expecting you. This was supposed to be just fun. Everything is always so serious with me. I've been so mature and responsible my whole life. Just once, I thought I would do one thing that was crazy and irresponsible and easy. That's not me, you know? I don't do casual sex. But I figured, why not? You didn't want anything, so maybe I could try the whole not-wanting-anything, too. It seemed perfect, since I was so focused on school. I should have known better. I have no idea how to do casual, because I fell for you so hard. I fell for the guy who doesn't do relationships. Stupid, stupid me."

I cup her chin with my fingers and turn her face up to me. "Hey, maybe it's true that I wasn't exactly looking for a relationship..." She gives me her most judgmental face and I immediately backtrack. "Okay, fine. A relationship was pretty much the last thing on earth I wanted. But it doesn't matter because it happened anyway. We fell for each other. That night? Talking to that girl? I kept telling myself I could do it if I wanted to, but I felt so guilty about it. That's when I realized that it felt wrong because it was wrong. She wasn't you."

She smiles at me, but it's sad, too. "I didn't know that. I figured it was just a matter of time before you got bored and walked away." Her voice is soft and so fragile. It kills me. I can feel what I made her feel and it hurts.

"Because I was really shitty about showing you. Telling you. I'm an idiot. And I suck at this."

"No, you don't," she says softly, rubbing her thumb across my knuckles. "Well, maybe you suck a little bit. No worse than me, though. I knew I was being a coward. Hiding. I just kept my mouth shut and kept pretending everything was fine. I'm sorry."

I smile a little and wrap my arm around her shoulders, pulling her in towards me. She's smiling too, pressing her forehead against my chest. "And I didn't say anything when I should have because I couldn't figure out what the hell I was even asking you for. I'll try and do better," I promise her.

"You already have." She sighs. "Edward, that book… the one you gave me for my birthday?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you mean it—the poems inside—or was it just a pretty book?"

I lean back and look down so I can see her. Whatever I did to make this girl doubt how much she means to me was the stupidest move of my life. I have a lot to make up for. "I meant every word," I tell her. "I'm sorry I gave it to you like that. Obviously, that was not what I intended."

"It's okay. I was so mad at you right then. Because of what you said, but also because you made me feel guilty for what I'd done to you. Then I went home and opened it and… Jesus. I fell apart."

"Your dad must hate me," I murmur.

She chuckles. "He kind of wanted to kill you at first. But after that, I was so upset about what I'd done that he backed off. He'd like to give it another go someday."

"I would, too. I ruined your birthday."

"I had plenty to do with that myself."

I remember that night, Jasper telling me that Alice was with Bella picking up the pieces. Guilt cuts right through me. "Still, that was… The book was supposed to be—well, it was my way of telling you how I felt. Because, you know, I suck at actually using words."

She sniffs and smiles. "You're doing okay at it right now."

I swallow and brace myself. I'm still scared but it's getting easier. With Bella with me, loving me, I feel myself expanding. I am capable of so much more than I thought. Including this.

I lean in and kiss her cheek, and then I linger there, my face right next to hers. "I love you," I whisper.

Her breath catches and she turns her face to press her lips against mine.

"I love you, too," she murmurs, kissing me again.

I wrap my arms around her and she wraps hers around me. I close my eyes and just breathe her in—Bella beside me, all around me, in my life and in every corner of me. We hold each other. Close and tight. And in love.

I am so lost in her. Lost, and I hope I'm never found again.

*0*0*

As much as I want to forget the world and sink into the bed with Bella, real life—real, miserable life—still exists. We have to get back to the hospital. I already feel guilty for the minutes we stole away for ourselves this morning, even if it was the most important conversation I'd ever have.

We crawl out of bed and into the shower together to save time, but also because I can't bear for her to be too far away from me yet. The fear and anxiety is still hovering all around us, but for just this little bit of time, I'm happy. We touch and smile and lean into each other. I kiss her shoulder, the back of her neck, her fingertips. I'd like to do more, but now is not the time nor the place.

As we rinse off, we talk more, although it's not as heavy and intense as in the bedroom earlier. It's odd—now that we've stepped over this line, asking questions and telling secrets is so much easier. She loves me. I love her. She's not going anywhere. I feel so confident in this knowledge. It makes me feel free. I can ask her what she's feeling, I can tell her what I'm thinking, and we'll just deal with it. Get through it. And on the other side, she'll still love me, I'll still love her.

Jasper was right—it really is that easy. It seems like the easiest thing in the world. How did I make it so hard?

I ask her about Riley and she just sighs and laughs, tipping her head back to let the water sluice through her hair. I reach out and settle my hands on her hips.

"Oh, he's just some boy. Why do you care?"

"He's a boy that wants my girl. I care."

"New rule," she says, opening her eyes to look at me. "We forget everything we said outside the restaurant except one thing. Remember this one. I told you the truth about Riley. He's got a thing for me. I don't have one for him. End of story."

I grin. "Because you have a thing for me."

She rolls her eyes. "Now I know you're feeling better. You're getting cocky again."

I pull her up flush against me so I can hug her, all warm limbs and slippery wet skin, and so she can feel for herself. "I'll say."

She chuckles and pushes back. "No time for that."

I sigh. "I know." The playfulness evaporates like the shower steam. I think about my father lying intubated in a hospital bed and my stomach bottoms out. For all that I've faced and dealt with regarding Bella, there's so much about my father that I haven't even let myself think about yet. And I need to.

Bella seems to sense the turn of my thoughts and puts her hand on my cheek.

"Hey, it'll be okay."

I nod tightly. She continues, "Whatever happens, I'll be right next to you, okay?"

Hearing her say that makes me almost breathless with gratitude. I swallow around the lump in my throat so I can speak, even though my throat is hoarse. "Thank you for coming when I called, even though things were awful right then."

"I wanted to. I called you."

"I'm sorry I didn't answer. I was just mad. I didn't want to talk to you until I had myself under control. I was going to go see you last night as soon as I got off work, but then Jane called about my dad."

She smiles and presses a little kiss to the edge of my jaw. "It's okay. After you gave me a book like that, I wasn't going to let you run away. I'd have kept hunting you down until you talked to me again."

"Nice to know literature has such an effect on you. I'll keep that one in mind."

"You're the one that has an effect on me. Just you."

She hugs me under the shower spray until the water goes cold. It gives me the strength I need to keep going and face what waits for me at the hospital.

*0*0*

A/N:

I just wanted to take a moment and say thank you for all your lovely reviews, tweets, and mentions. Life is crazy busy for me right now, so I can't thank everyone personally the way I wish I could. But know that I read and appreciate every word.

Like I said, life is busy, but no worries, this story is finished (and it's twelve chapters long, fyi).

And a little self-pimpage—a one-shot I wrote, Two Words, won first place in the Missed Connections contest! Thanks to anyone who voted for me. You can find it on my profile if you're interested.