(Screen fades from black to color, showing three young women in their twenties, sitting in directors chairs. The one on the right is sipping an iced coffee while bouncing her crossed leg. The one on the left is vigorously trying to finish her homework for her college classes. The one in the middle is jamming to her iPod and eating an ice cream bar.)
Camera Man: Yo AT! We're rolling!
AmazonTurk (AT): (singing) I'm not paralyzed but I'm seem to be struck by you, I wanna make you move, BECAUSE YOUR STANDING STILL!
Mystic (on the right): Uh, Queen? Think we should do something?
Queen (on the left): Uh, yeah. (pulls AT's earbud out and yells) SHUT THE FUCK UP! We're rolling!
AT: AAKK! (falls over backwards; picks self up and climbs back into chair) Damn it, you're loud, Queen.
Queen: And you can't sing.
Mystic: Uh...guys?
Camera Man: ROLLING!
AT: Oh! Hello! I'm AmazonTurk. You may remember me from such features as 'Separation', 'Caged Canary', 'Operation: Assassination', and the feature you just finished reading 'Turk Teacher Conferences'. (camera switches angles and we get a good peek up Mystic's skirt) I am joined today by dantesdarkqueen, authoress of 'Evidence of Sephiroth's Humanity', 'Seed', and 'I Knew Him Before'; and MysticSpiritus, authoress of 'Sephiroth's Honor', 'Honorable Mentions' and 'The Tantric Ways of a Mage'.
Kandi: KUJA IS MINE, BITCH!
Mystic: In the alternate universe! This is CANON! CANON!!!
Kandi: Oh...my bad!
Queen: Oh, hell. (looks at camera, which is now not focusing up Mystic's skirt) 'Turk Teacher Conferences' is our first collaboration together. We have all three written in each other's timelines, but this is the first time that we've actually joined forces for a fic.
Mystic: That sounds so bad. Joined forces. Like, the dark side?
AT (rubbing hands together): YESSS! The Dark Side! Mwah ha ha!
Queen (whacking AT upside the head): No, as in joining our collective minds together to form the fic.
Mystic: Oh yeah! We had so much fun! And you guys, our readers, made us so popular! Thank you!
AT: Anyway, as a token of our esteem, we have gathered together this collection of outtakes for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!
Camera Man: And cut. Good job, Ladies.
(enter Mystic's husband)
MH: Give me the damn footage you got up my wife's skirt! NOW!
Camera Man: Uh...(runs away)
AT/Queen/Mystic: (facepalms)
Outtake One:
"Oh, she's adopted?" the mother said with disdain. "That explains everything."
Kandi glared at her. "Actually, Andria is my biological child," she snarled. "I'm her father."
Courtney's mother's mouth dropped open. "You...had a sex change?" the woman whispered the last two words like she was bringing about the apocalypse.
"Yep!" Kandi said, unfastening her pants. "Wanna see where my penis used to be?"
AT: CUT! Kandi, what the hell?
Kandi: What? It used to be right there!
Reno: I wanna see!
Mystic: Back up, General Gonnerhea. You're not in this scene.
AT: Kandi, you do remember what the Green Sludge did, right? It temporarily made you a man and Zack a woman. You do not have a scar to show people where your penis used to be.
Kandi (grinning): Who said anything about a scar?
AT: (sweatdrop)
Outtake Two:
Andria beamed at what could only be her favorite teacher. "Hi, Mr. Becker!" she exclaimed rushing over to hug him. She grabbed his hand and led him over to her mom. "Mr. Becker, this is my mom."
"Pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Fair," he said with a smile.
Kandi snorted. "Uh, my name's Kandi," she said with a grin. "Andria's...father and I never married. He died shortly after she was born."
Zack: I'm not dead!
Kandi (hitting Zack over the head): He's as good as dead.
Zack: No, really. I feel better.
Kandi (pushing Zack away): Any moment now. Gonna kick the bucket.
Zack: I just might make a full recovery!
AT: CUT! Zack...you know, for this fic, you're dead, Sweetie.
Zack: Aw, but I want to hang out with my kid during parent/teacher conferences.
AT (fangirl sparkles in eyes): Isn't he cute? Fifteen minute break! (grabs Zack and takes him off to Stage 69 where they proceed to break a set and shatter a woofer)
Queen (looking at Mystic): I call Sephiroth.
Mystic: Damn it!
Outtake Three:
"Well, if you decide you want music lessons, Azrael, I know several good teachers." The blond looked innocent. "Laseedra Vaneth, for example, gives good rates on her off-season..."
"You know Laseedra Vaneth?! Of Ephemeral?!" the silver-haired boy exclaimed, staring up at his teacher in shock.
"I used to date her," Mrs. Breize smiled warmly.
(crickets)
Queen: CUT! The line is 'I used to date her brother.' Brother. As in, male sibling. You did not date Laseedra Vaneth.
Mrs. Breize: Oh. OH! Sorry. (looks disappointed) I didn't date her?
Queen (ignoring snickering of co-directors): No.
Mrs. Breize: Pity. She's hot.
Queen (rolling eyes): Take if from Azrael's line. And ACTION!
"You know Laseedra Vaneth?! Of Ephemeral?!" the silver-haired boy exclaimed, staring up at his teacher in shock.
"I used to date her brother," Mrs. Breize smiled warmly.
(crickets, again)
Queen (whispering): 'She and I are close friends.'
Mrs. Breize: You and who are close friends, Queen?
AT: (snorts)
Mystic: (giggles)
Queen: That's your LINE!
Reno: Hey! I know her! That's Lizla!
Rufus (paling): Oh gods. (goes and hides)
Queen (whips out cell phone): Yes, I need the listing for Smart Blond Actresses. (pause) What do you mean there's no such listing? Oh. Okay. Thanks anyway.
AT: What was that all about?
Queen: Apparently, smart blond actresses are mythical creatures. One has yet to be found.
AT/Mystic: Ooooh.
Ram (blond): I resent that remark.
AT (pointing excitedly): OH! Ram! She's blond! Use her!
Queen: Worth a shot. Take it from Az's line again. ACTION!
"You know Laseedra Vaneth?! Of Ephemeral?!" the silver-haired boy exclaimed, staring up at his teacher in shock.
"I used to date her brother. She and I are close friends, and she's good vocal instructor. That's how she funded her band, in fact, before Ephemeral got their record deal." Mrs. Breize frowned. "Though, I don't know any truly good guitar teachers. You're on your own for that one, Ms. Forrest."
Queen (sparkly eyes): She's perfect!
Ram (smirking): Natural blond. Peroxide is what kills the brain cells.
All: Oooh.
Outtake Four:
Just as they passed the half point, Akalara heard little feet running down the hall and turned her head slightly, seeing Ethan racing towards her son, fist poised for a devastating punch.
Pushing Azrael out of the way, she spun around and kicked out, using her momentum to add strength to the blow. Her foot caught Ethan on the leg, and everybody in the hallway heard the sickening crack! of his femur shattering. The sandy-haired boy went down, screaming and clutching at his thigh. There was no doubt the leg was broken; thighs weren't meant to bend that way.
Azrael (sporting white liquid mustache and holding glass of said liquid): Got milk, Bitch?
Queen (grinning): I think we should keep that in there.
AT: It's cute. I like it. Perfect timing.
Mystic: I love you, Mini-Seph!
This outtake was sponsored by the Society to Promote the Consumption of Bovine Discharge. Got milk, Bitch?
Outtake Five:
Randak and Nilto sat down with Kaya jumping into her father's lap. Principal Torvis looked at the family and forced a smile upon his face. "Darryl Randak is it?" Randak nodded silently. Torvis turned his attention to the young woman. "Ayako Nilto?" That knowing smirk never left her face as she nodded too. What were they? He knew they were Turks, but what kind? A swordfighter and a mage? That kind of didn't seem right. Shaking away his thoughts, Torvis began his prepared speech. "Your daughter is overall a very lovely student--"
"Cut the crap," Randak interrupted. "What right do you have telling my daughter that she can't say a simple grace before lunch?"
Ooooh, right to the chase. "Well, you see sir, this school tends to the educational needs of students from many different backgrounds..."
Nilto (pulls Super Soaker filled with Holy Water out from under her cloak and begans soaking Torvis with it): THE POWER OF CHRISTUS COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF CHRISTUS COMPELS YOU!
Mystic: CUT! Nilto...um, let's not waste Holy Water, okay?
Nilto: He's a demon!
Mystic: No, he's an actor.
AT: Wow, crazy exorcist you got there, Mystic.
Kaya (throwing cleansing powder on AT): My Mommy is NOT crazy!
AT (hissing): My eyes! My eyes! I'm blind!
Queen: Oh boy.
Outtake Six:
"If I used that cleansing powder on you, Mr. Torvis," Nilto suggested with a cocky grin. "How long would you be unable to see?"
"A very long time." Kaya exclaimed. "All I wanted to do was say grace before eating my hot dog!" She settled back onto her father's lap and crossed her arms.
Torvis: Truthfully, Kaya, I do, too. The Planet only knows what's in those things! I've heard stories of how hotdogs are made, and let me tell you, it takes a lot of faith to eat one.
Mystic (mouth opened): Whoa...WHAT?! You're supposed to be against prayer in school!
Torvis: Well, not that's hypocritical. How can I be against it when I do it myself?
Kaya (grinning): I like him. He's a nice man now.
AT: I STILL CAN'T SEE!
Queen (texting Kadaj)
Outtake Seven:
Reno grinned. "Az got his dad's muscles and his mom's temper. Kids should know not to mess with him by now."
"They like setting him off. Especially the girls, since he won't hit 'em." She smiled fiercely. "Andi and I take care of them for him. See?"
(Axys grabs random extra girl and starts wailing on her)
Queen (watching with a smile): Good practice for the kid.
Mystic: Uh, I think the little girl stopped moving. Maybe we should stop her before she gets too hurt.
Queen: Nah. Reno's got his Restore and Full Life materia, dontcha Red?
Reno: Yep! Right...(reaching into pockets) uh, hey! Who stole my materia?
Somewhere in the rafters: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
All: Yuffie!
AT: Quick! Before the kid dies, have her sign a liability waiver saying that she will not hold AmazonTurk Productions responsible for any injury sustained that could result in serious incompacitation and/or death!
Mystic: Where are they?
AT: I don't know! I still can't see!
Rude: Here.
Mystic (gets girl to sign liability waiver): Got it!
Axys: Can I finish beating her up now?
Queen: Knock yourself out, Kid.
Outtake Eight:
The pieces didn't bother him, but he could see where somebody not used to this sort of thing would find it disturbing. Moonflower, obviously, did not.
"I'm going to submit at least one of her pieces to the National Art Show in June. Axys is good enough to win first prize!"
"That's cool, Moonflower." Reno smiled. "Now, where's your stash?"
Moonflower: Pardon?
Reno: Your stash? Of hash? Where is it?
Moonflower: I don't know...
Reno: Look, Lady. Anyone who is not a Turk or seriously fucked in that head that thinks my kids art is not disturbing, has got to be getting fucked off something. Now, hand it over, cos I seriously need to toke up.
Queen: RANDOM DRUG SCREENING!
Reno: Shit. Wait! I'm clean! I go first.
Queen (smirking): No, you're last.
Reno: You...are evil.
AT: I CAN SEE! It's a miracle.
Mystic (grumbling): Took you long enough.
AT: What? Who said that?
Mystic (facepalm)
Outtake Nine:
Continuing on, he turned a corner and pointed to a charred spot on the floor. "And this is where Axys burned the effigy of Ethan Nadair," he grinned. "Gods, that girl is such a freakin' pyro."
Tseng studied the spot, his hands clasped behind his back in thought. "Indeed," he agreed.
"But it got our point across," Paulo said lowly.
"And that would be?"
Paulo turned his face up to the man who had saved him and given him a new life. "You fuck with one of us, you fuck with all of us," he stated.
Kandi: I swear to Shiva, that kid has got to be Tseng's bio Spawn.
Akalara: No fucking doubt about it. Remember N.C.'s initiation mission? Her target was some fucker that was harassing Elena
N.C.: That was a cool first assignment. One-on-one with the Bossman. In and out, lots of blood.
Kandi (snorting): Perfect description for losing your killing virginity there, N.C.
N.C. (blushing): No! I didn't mean it like that! I lost my virginity to Demxyx!
Demyx (looking up from buffet table with a grin): Yep! I got that!
AT (clearing throat): As interesting as this conversation is, and N.C., I want details later, WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH THIS SCENE?
Queen (snickering): You've lost control of your characters.
Mystic (giggling): Bad Amazon!
Paulo: Yo, At. Can I get something to eat? I'm hungry, Man.
AT (sighing): Yeah, let's take a break. Y'all are really starting to irritate me.
(enter Sephiroth)
Sephiroth: Good day, Ladies.
AT/Queen/Mysic: GENERAL!
Queen (leaping from directors chair): I called him! He's mine! (Sephiorth is dragged back to Stage 69 where Queen proceeds to 'sex him up')
Akalara: HEY! That's my man! He fathered MY son! Give him back!
AT (grabbing Akalara): Keep in mind, Green Bitch, that woman over there, created you. One word from her, and in the next installment of Operation: Assassination, your ass will be toast. Got it memorized?
Axel: My line!
Mystic: What the hell? Where are all these characters coming from?
AT (whispering): Don't question the good fortune. Maybe Disney and Squeenix died and went to Hell and they are flocking to the ones they love and write them so well.
Mystic: Oh...(grabs Axel and drags him to Stage 69-1/2 and proceeds to molest him)
AT: Gentleman...and, uh ladies...I wash my hands of this weirdness.
Jack Sparrow: My peanut...er, line!
AT: (facepalms)
Outtake Ten:
"With the exception of Sephiroth's son, of course," Torvis said with a nervous smile. Tseng glared at him in a way that made Torvis' bowels loosen. If this continued, he was going to shit himself.
"If you utter another word of that boy's parentage again, I swear to the mighty god Leviathan I will remove your small intestine through your nasal passage," he growled out.
Torvis' face paled and he began sweating profusely. Suddenly, he broke wind and a foul smell came from him. Tseng stepped back, trying to keep a straight face as he turned to the directors.
Tseng: I believe, Ladies, that I just scared the shit out of your principal. Quite literally.
Torvis (blushing): It's true.
AT (laughing hysterically): Woot, Bossman!
Queen: Way to go, Tseng-sama!
Mystic: YAY! Oh. But who's going to clean it up?
AT (tapping chin): Hmmm...who do we hate in the FF-VII franchise? Who, who, who?
Queen: Palmer?
AT: Too lardy.
Mystic: Scarlet?
AT: Too whorey. But I like her choice of color. Hmm...(a slow evil grin begins to spread across AT's face)
Queen: Uh oh. (evil grin forming on Queen's face as well) I know that look.
Mystic: (grinning evilly as well) Is that person here?
AT: We have magical fictional powers. Of course she's here. (lets out ear piercing whistle) Yo! Aeris(th)! Get your pink ass out here!
(enter Aeris(th), wearing Aunt Jemima do-rag)
Aeris(th): You summoned me, oh great conjugators of the written word?
Queen (laughing): You brain washed her!
Mystic: Sweet! Is she like a mindless shell that just takes orders from us?
AT: Yep! Aeris(th), clean up Torvis' shit pants.
Aeris(th) (bowing): As you command.
AT: Where's your Cetran powers now, Bitch?
Queen (holding up bottle): I stole them and I'm going to sell them on ePay.
Mystic: And all proceeds will go to the Society to Promote the Consumption of Bovine Discharge.
AT: Great community service, Ladies. This should help get rid of that public drunkeness charge on our records.
Outtake Eleven:
Rufus looked over to Lily who was chuckling quietly. "Instead of a backpack, he brings a small briefcase to school?" When it came to being completely anal, nobody could top Rufus and Tseng the Bossman. However, mini-Rufus was easily giving the two grown men a run for their large amounts of money.
"Of course, dad." Bryce answered matter-of-factly. "A briefcase organizes important papers better and makes me look more important."
Lily praised her son by massaging his shoulders. "The class president is supposed to look important." The exotic beauty smiled at Rufus. "Right, Sir?"
Rufus: This kid is the coolest! Can I keep him?
Mystic (eyes bugging): Uh, yeah. He is your son, Rufus.
Rufus: No shit? For real? Far out!
AT/Queen (screaming in horror): WHO ARE YOU?!
Mystic: What have you done with Rufus?! Rufus does not say 'far out'!!! I'm scared!
AT/Queen (holding each other in fear)
(real Rufus enters, shotgun in hand)
Rufus: Reno, the disguise materia, if you will.
(enter real Reno)
Reno: Dude, Bossman. Not me.
Rufus (confused): Then who is that?
Sephiroth (casting Dispel): Zackary.
Zack (grinning mischievously): I just wanted to be in the feature, Man.
Rufus: By ruining my reputation with surfer jargon?
Zack: Uh, yeah.
Andria (grabs Zack's hand): C'mon, Dad. I'll show you how to make mustard gas in the science labs.
Zack (grinning): Cool!
Mystic: Saved by the Spawn.
AT (crying): Rufus does not say 'far out'! I'm scarred for life.
Queen: I need a drink.
Outtake Twelve:
The woman gasped at the sight of the famous leader of Shinra. "Mr. President!" Mrs. Nadair smiled at her impending victory. Once the handsome president heard that one of his Turks had harmed a little boy, that bitch with emerald hair would be gone for good, along with that freak of a child.
"I told you to leave." Rufus said again. This was one man who did not like to tell people twice. "I will warn you now, that if I learn about one more incident involving your son; Ethan will be permanently expelled from this school and you will be considered wanted: dead or alive." The president shoved his finger in her face, reveling in the way her pretty face paled. "Understand?"
Ethan's mother glared at the president and smacked his finger out of her face. "How dare you speak to me in such a way!" she shrieked. "I am Jayne Nadair. I will not stand idily by while your Turks go around harming innocent children. You are nothing but an egotistical, money hungry bastard and you are just like your father."
The report of a shotgun rang through the office and Jayne Nadair fell back onto the ground, her blood pooling on the carpet. Rufus sneered down at her body. "I am nothing like my father," he seethed.
Mystic (mouth agape): That's not in the script.
Queen: But I like it!
AT: I am officially turned on by that scene.
Mystic: But that's not in the script! Rufus, you killed Ethan's mom!
Rufus: The bitch had the audacity to compare me to my father.
AT: Uh, Kandi? Can we do a digital Jayne Nadair for the ending scene?
Kandi (through mouthful of chocolate cupcake): Yup...no prob.
AT (to Mystic): Is that cool?
Mystic (nodding): Is it okay that I'm officially turned on by that scene, too?
Queen: I think we all were. Rufus in all his badass glory is just...
AT: Cream worthy.
All (sighing): Yeah.
Outtake Thirteen:
Spitting out another acrylic nail, N.C. felt her sadness turning to anger. "How dare she?" she seethed. Nate raised his head up and looked at his sister. "Who the fuck does she think she is?"
Nate's eyes widened. "N.C.?" he asked in shock.
"Whoa, Babe," Demyx said with a grin. "You okay?"
N.C. stood to her feet. "No, I'm not," she said, turning on her heel and tackling Demyx, ripping his clothes off. "I'm pissed and I need really violent sex right now!"
Reno: Oh hell yeah! Now we're talking! Another AmazonTurk Porn Production!
AT (throwing child extra at Reno): I do NOT make porn!
Reno: You're making it right now!
AT (turning back to scene): N.C.! Quit taking Demyx's clothes off! There are children present!
N.C.: Who the fuck cares?!
AT: N.C.! Stop it! Put his shirt back...whoa. (blinks) Demyx has great abs.
Mystic/Queen (drooling): Uh huh.
AT (watching scene): Uh, Spawn and extra kids?
Minors: Yeah?
AT (passes them a credit card): Go get some ice cream, or GSP's for you all.
Andria: I already have one.
Bryce: Me too.
Axys: Yep.
AT: Then go buy a mo-ped, but just LEAVE!
(exit all actors under 18...except N.C.)
AT (reads above action): OH SHIT! N.C.! You're only seventeen!
N.C.: Today's my birthday. I'm eighteen! (goes down on Demyx)
Demyx (screams in ecstacy)
Queen: That has got to be one of the hottest sounds I've ever heard.
Sephiroth: Other than when I do that?
Queen: Oh yeah.
AT: I want copies of this. Demyx is hot!
Mystic (reaching out): Me want! Me want!
Rude: You people are never going to finish this feature.
All: SHUT UP!
Rude (cries and runs away)
AT: Damn it. We hurt his feelings.
Queen: He must be feeling left out. He didn't have a part in this fic.
Mystic: Poor guy.
AT: Eh, I'll molest him later with cookies. He'll be fine. (eats popcorn and watches live porn)
Outtake Fourteen:
N.C. smiled at her and gave Tseng a thankful look. "Thank you, Ms. Forsythe," she said.
The young woman laughed. "Please, call me Pam," she said, gesturing for N.C. and Nate to accompany her.
Tseng smirked and pulled out his cell phone again. "Elena?" he said. "Send the clean up crew to the junior high section of the educational facility. Oh, and let President ShinRa know that there is an immediate opening for the position of principal. And...what are you wearing? Really? The black one with the sheer thing? Oooh, I like that one. You just took it off? Now what are you doing?"
AT (covers mouth)
Queen (covers eyes)
Mystic (covers ears)
Paulo: Gods, my dad is such a pervert.
Reno: That's...not...right.
Akalara: No it ain't.
Kandi: You should see him masturbating in the shower and screaming Elena's name out. Hot!
All (look at Kandi like she grew three heads)
Kandi (confused): What? It is.
Akalara: Why haven't you shared this with us?!
Nilto: Yeah! I like a little man/hand action!
Randak: You what?!
Nilto: Uh...I mean...uh...what?
AT: Where's that vodka truck at? I ordered that shipment and hour ago!
Outtake Fifteen:
But somewhere, just a little ways down the road, was a small diner. Nothing but a little hole in wall. It was a 24 hour joint that had the strongest coffee on the Planet and the best apple pie. And driving by that parking lot, one would see a red and black Harley Davidson Fatboy with a matching adult sized helmet and a black and purple child sized helmet resting on it; a midsize four door sedan in forest green; a four-wheel drive pick-up truck that had seen its share of dirt roads and sported a bumper sticker reading 'Honk if You Love the Planet'; a older model red Ferrari in mint condition; an inconspicuous black Jaguar; a bluish silver Prius; and a white Rolls Royce Corniche.
Akalara: Hang on a second!
AT: Yo.
Akalara: Okay, the Fatboy is Kandi's.
AT: Yep.
Akalara: Pick-up truck is Randak and Nilto's; Ferrari is Reno's, Jag is Tseng's.
AT: Yep.
Akalara: Prius is N.C.'s and the Rolls Royce is Rufus'.
AT: Yep.
Queen: Uh oh...get ready for it (covers head).
Akalara (fuming): Why the FUCK do I drive a midsize four door sedan in forest green?! Why can't I have a badass ride?!
Queen: Not good.
Mystic: Wait! Didn't Joel pimp out her ride?
AT: Yep. Joel, kindly explain to the Green Bitch about her car.
Joel (in mechanic's overalls, covered in grease): It's unsuspecting, see? Twin bazookas under the chasis; rocket launchers out the tail pipes. And check this out! (hits remote and helicopter blades pop out of the top and back of the car) Built in helicopter feature for aerial advantage.
Azrael: COOL! Mom, our car is so wicked!
Akalara: Whoa. I mean...whoa.
Lily (grabs Joel and takes him to Stage 69 and plays with his monkey wrench)
Mystic: We're all horny around here, aren't we?
Queen: Yeah, pretty much.
AT: I know I am.
Reno: It's the Essence of Reno. Makes everyone feel a little bow chica bow bow!
Mystic: Shut up.
Reno: Giggity!
Outtake Sixteen:
Kandi shrieked in protest. "My pie!" she wailed, brushing the salt off the dessert. "You are an evil man!"
The president chuckled. "I get that a lot," he said. "Like water off a duck's back, Kandi."
"Bitch," she grumbled, trying to salvage her pie.
"Children," Nilto said sweetly, the red in her eyes building to a raging inferno. "You are TWO SECONDS AWAY FROM COMPLETE AND TOTAL ANNIHILATION! I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOU!"
Randak (tosses Nilto over his shoulder, takes her back to Stage 69 where muffled groans, screaming, chains, whips, a chocobo and a sacrificial lamb can be heard)
Kaya: Mommy?
Nilto: Mommy's fine honey! Drink your milkshake!
Queen (to Mystic): Think she's ever walked in on them?
Mystic: Hope not. Poor kid would be scarred for life.
AT (sneaks over toStage 69 and peeks around): HOLY SHIVA MOTHER OF SNOW CONES, RANDAK HAS A TAIL! Wow...that's a good use for it!
Mystic (paling): Oh boy! He's been reading 'Tantric'. Got that idea from Zidane.
AT: That is so COOL!
Randak/Nilto: GO AWAY!
Queen: I wonder if I can get a tail for Kadaj?
Mystic: Oh, he'd be totally cute with a tail.
Queen: I know, right?
Outtake Seventeen:
Kandi spoke into a head set, monitoring Niki's position in the vents via the GPS tracking chip in her cellphone, telling her exactly where to drill the holes. Sage and Ram started to feed the cameras into the holes and Kali secured the ends with the small power supplies. The cameras were independently powered and did not rely on the school's electricity. Once the cameras had been set up, Kandi pulled her laptop out of her jacket pocket and checked each connection, rotating each camera. Each view was perfect.
She zoomed in on a particular camera, seeing a red-head with extreme black eyeliner, tears streaking down his face as he lay against what appeared to be sheets under a blanket.
Reno: You people are lucky she even performed for you! LEAVE BRITANY ALONE!
Kandi (snorts and chokes, dying of laughter)
AT (tosses Phoenix Down on Kandi): Reno, what are you doing?
Reno: My impersonation of a certain BoobTube video?
Mystic: Oh boy...we could be in serious trouble.
Queen: Yep, and Reno, if that particular person comes after us, we're sicking him on your ass.
Reno: Wait! That was a GUY?!
All: YES!
Reno: Oh...he's pretty hot.
Kandi: His eyeliner is always perfect. Mine smudges like a motherfucker. I wonder if he could give me any tips?
AT: Guys always do their eyeliner better than girls. It sucks.
Mystic: Strange phenomenom.
Queen: Yeah, Kadaj does his eyeliner better than me. It always looks good on him.
AT: He looks hot in eyeliner.
Queen: Oh yeah.
Mystic: Agreed. Kadaj is hot. Let's go molest him!
All: Right!
Sephiroth (calling Kadaj's cell phone): Run. Run for your life. Three extremely horny women are coming for you. Go! Go now!
AT (staring at footage on outtake reel): Wow. We're we all high?
Queen (shaking her head): I don't know. Seems like it in retrospect, doesn't it?
Mystic: You know, Moonflower DID give us that Opium incense.
AT: You don't think...?
Queen: Nah, she wouldn't...would she?
Mystic: I don't know. Let's ask the Magical Leopleuredon what he thinks.
Leopleuredon: Grrraaah...graaaah...ggggrrrraaah!
AT (blinking): I suddenly know the way to Candy Mountain.
Queen: The land of sweets and joy...and joyness?
Mystic: Let's go!
Rude: Uh...you guys do know there's no such thing as Candy Mountain, right?
AT/Mystic/Queen: Shun the non-believer! SSSSSSHHHUUUUUNNNN!!!
Rude (runs away crying)
A/N: And thus ends the craziest thing I've ever written. Uh, if you're still here, I commend your bravery in the face of such idiocy. Cake and ice cream do odd things to me. So does being surrounded by a McDonald's PlayPlace full of children under the age of 5 at my neice's birthday party. Reviews are welcomed, flames are expected. lol...thanks for reading!