Okay, this chapter hardcore sucks, no lie. I hate it a lot. I felt it was a pain to write because I was very low on creativity, but I honestly tried. Just for you guys. So be happy or something that I actually updated.

And um, it's kind of Loliver-ish at the beginning, I hate to tell you. I don't like Loliver too much, or even much at all really, so it's not meant to be that way. But you have to understand that Lilly and Oliver are best friends, too, so they do goof around with each other. And it doesn't mean that they have feelings for each other, okay? And Lilly fit the character that would do the thing she does in the chapter to him… Because she's so crazy like that. I don't think I could see Miley doing it, so yeah. Just wanted to make clear of this so no one complains.

Beginning of Lackson, too. VERY slight Lackson, as I have promised to you.

Anyways, here you go. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Still, I don't own Hannah Montana. Mucho sadness.

DEAR STUPID
CHAPTER TEN: ANTELOPE

Saturday, December 22nd, around 12:00 p.m., bench in mall.

Dear Stupid,

Miley, Lilly, and Jackson are all trying on clothes at the moment. I would be with them, of course, if I actually wore that brand of clothing, but whatever. I thought I'd take this chance to write in you about what has happened today so far… which has kind of been a lot… An embarrassing kind of a lot.

Let's start with my excruciatingly painful wake-up call at nine 'o' clock this morning.

You know, I'm like most guys when it comes to sleeping apparel, all right? I don't sleep in what you call pajamas unless you call my boxers-that-have-smiley-faces-all-over-them pajamas. And that's literally all I wear to bed. I get very hot when I'm off in dream world with Miley Stewart.

Oh my God. I sound like a forty-year-old pervert.

But yeah. You get the picture. So I was laying there all peacefully and happily, kissing Miley… yes, in my dreams, but I thought it sounded believable for a split second. And it was very nice to write, I can't wait until I might actually be able to write that sentence without lying. But anyways, as I was lying there, something like, jumped on me.

Yes, jumped. Like a tiger on an antelope out on a hunt, and I was, of course, the antelope with bad luck of the day. And this tiger had sharp claws. Okay, really, she just probably had her nails done, but whatever.

So. I woke up to a tigress named Lilly on top of me, our faces about a millimeter apart, and she was grinning ever so evilly. I was horrified beyond belief, just as a poor antelope should be. So I screamed like a little girl and went, "AHHHH!" like how a scream sounds, which made Lilly start laughing hysterically, so I thrashed about wildly, but she held me down with her terrible claws. And then she was just staring at me all mischievously.

I glanced at the clock. Nine freaking a.m., Stupid!!!! WHO IS EVEN FUNCTIONING PROPERLY AT NINE A.M.?! Oh wait, Tiger Lilly. HAHAHAHA. Oh man, I just made a funny. I rock.

Anywho, I held the covers up protectively over my body so she couldn't come in contact with it. I also had my Simba snuggled up next to me. Shut up, Stupid. Stuffed lions are incredibly manly.

"I've got you now, my pretty! And your little kitty, too!" Lilly screamed like the Wicked Witch of the West.

Well, not really, but I swear she was about to.

But now, Stupid, let me set the record straight.

I don't feel any sort of those feelings for Lilly Truscott, believe me. But if a girl is on top of you, and a pretty one (Lilly is pretty, just… I don't like her like the way I like Miley… I've known her too long to suddenly want her like that, ew) at that, and you're a guy… Well, you're gonna feel a bit awkward and out of place. Even if it's your best friend since kindergarten. And I really had no clue why Lilly was doing this to me. She's never woken me up by flying across the room with lightning fast tiger claws.

I was pretty red actually due to the uncomfortable feeling I was getting.

Not 'cause I like her like that. But because… well… I am pretty much naked underneath the blankets, and Lilly has never seen me naked before in my life. And I don't plan on her ever seeing it either.

"Lilly… What are you doing…" I mumbled with the covers over my face.

"I tried calling you about eight hundred and sixty two times, stupid," she said like this made it perfectly okay to be pinning me down on my own bed. Oh my God, that sounds horrible. "And then I tried knocking on your door. Trolliver answered and said you were still sleeping. So I knocked on your bedroom door. Only response I got was a whole lot of snoring. So I stomped in and screamed your name. Didn't work. And now, I have pounced upon your blubbery self, and you are awake. Great success!"

Lilly really sucks at a Borat impression, but whatever.

"I am not blubbery," I mumbled, still under the covers. "And it's like… nine something in the morning. How in the world do you have so much energy?"

"Easy. The thought of shopping until I drop and two cappuccinos is enough to make me run three whole marathons. Which reminds me, we're leaving to go to the mall in about or around twenty minutes, so you better get going."

"AHHHH!!! WHAT!!!" I pushed her off me and she flew onto the floor as I flew to my bathroom. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!"

"OW! Thanks a lot, you idiot, you could've broken my leg! And like I said, I tried to call you eight hundred and sixty two times."

I didn't even reply, just hopped into the shower and out, got dressed, and was out of my house in ten minutes. I walked to my car, but was stopped when Lilly stepped in front of me.

"We are not taking your car when it takes a ten minute walk to get there, Oliver," she said to me angrily.

"It is nine a.m., Lilly," I said with the same tone. "I am not walking anywhere at nine a.m. on a Saturday where I should be sleeping."

"Well, we are. Besides, you need the exercise, Blubberbutt."

And I proceed to chase her down the sidewalk until she very suddenly turned to me, and began walking backwards and was like, "So Harry Olive, eh? When are you going to break it to Hannah Montana that you are actually truly head over heels in love with her?"

"I am not head over heels for her," I said simply, forgetting the Blubberbutt comment for some reason. Even if it partly is a lie. I am head over heels for Miley, really, just not in love. In like head over heels.

"Whatever, Harry."

"Stop calling me that, Lola."

"I will once you finally tell Miley how you really feel."

We just pointlessly argued for about another hour. Well, about five minutes, I guess, it just felt like longer because arguing with Lilly is as knowledgeable as a science lesson with Ms. Kunkle. Which is, of course, fifty minutes worth of NOTHING.

We finally got Miley's. Miley came bouncing outside, looking beautiful as ever in a green dress with leggings. I guess I was staring at her because Lilly had to nudge me in order to bring me back from space.

Jackson soon followed out, and something really weird happened.

Lilly's eyes got all wide at him (???) and she immediately yelled, "SHOTGUN!" and hopped into Jackson's car like a freaking kangaroo. Jackson looked mildly confused at this, too, and then got into the car with a shake of his head.

Miley gave me a strange look also, but then she shrugged. I was staring again like an idiot, pretty much at her lips basically, thinking about the kiss she had given me last night, and how much I wish the lips would magically land upon mine.

She didn't know that, though. She looked behind her. "Oliver, what are you staring at? It's just a lamp post."

I shook myself out of my trance, trying to actually use my brain to come up with something to say. Because I couldn't say I was staring at her and say how beautiful she looked. She wouldn't like that – she doesn't like me in that way… And I suck at complimenting people. I mean, just last night I said she had greebluay eyes. I pretty much lost my chance after that dud of a compliment came out of my mouth.

"R-RIGHT!" I stuttered out. "Well, it's a beautiful lamp post! I just can't keep my eyes off of it! Er, haha?" I was kind of metaphorically speaking, but Miley is clueless about that.

She even gave me a strange look, which I don't blame her for. I am such a weird antelope.

Then Tiger Lilly screamed out the window of Jackson's car, "STOP MAKING OUT AND GET IN THE CAR ALREADY!"

It was so embarrassing.

Although I wouldn't mind it actually if we were making out. But I'm not going to go into that.

Miley just laughed, though, and called back, "Whatever, Lilly!" and got in the car. I followed, taking my seat next to her, red as Rudolph's nose. Lilly glanced back at me, smirking. I just decided to give her a death glare because I'm that awesome at being annoyed with her.

The car ride wasn't too bad. I had to look out the window to refrain from staring at Miley. She was really oddly quiet the entire ride there. Basically, we were listening to the radio. Er, I'm kinda lying actually because Jackson and Lilly were way louder than the radio… They were talking. Er, arguing really. It was something like this –

Lilly: We're listening to Hannah Montana! (changes radio station)

Jackson: No! (changes it back to Hinder) I've heard enough of her! I LIVE with her for crying out loud!

Lilly: Yeah, well she's my best friend, but I'm not sick of her yet! (changes it back to HM)

Jackson: STOP IT! (changes it back)

Lilly: YOU stop it!!! (changes it back)

Jackson: WHY didn't I go shopping yesterday? AHHHH!

Lilly: (singing horribly off-key) LIFE'S WHAT YOU MAAAKE IT!

Jackson: SWEET NIBBLETS, MY EARS! And they say I sound like a walrus?!? STOP IT! (changes it back to Hinder)

Lilly: NEVER!!!!! (changes it back)

As Miley and I were watching this, something extremely weird happened. They both reached for the radio knob at the same time so that their hands were touching, then they looked at each other, looked away kind of embarrassed, and left the radio where it was… Hannah Montana.

I raised an eyebrow. I looked to Miley; she was busy texting someone. I'm so horrible and nosy that I looked over her shoulder to see.

I scoffed. Jerk Rat.

"You still like him?" I said, irritated. She should be paying attention to what was right in front of her. I would never cheat on her with Hannah Montana. Okay, that makes absolutely zero sense. For one, Miley is Hannah Montana. And another, my alter ego is dating Hannah Montana.

Whoa, so in a weird way… I'm dating the girl of my dreams, and I've just now realized it. SWEET! I'm halfway there!!!! Woooah, living on a prayer! Sorry, Bon Jovi moment.

Anyways, Miley blinked at me, and then bit her bottom lip. She looked adorable, except I didn't like what came out of her mouth, which was FAR from adorable, "Yeah…"

Lilly suddenly turned around. "Miley, I would personally dump that idiot and go for someone, or maybe even a different idiot… at least one that's more… deserving." My eyes got wide, and I couldn't breathe. She wouldn't… would she?

She was grinning like the Wicked Witch of the West again. "I mean, give someone else a chance for once. They could prove to be less of a donut to you!"

I honestly wanted to push her out of the car at that moment.

Oh, wait, it gets worse.

"There's so many more fish in the sea… Get away from Jerk Garbage."

YEAH. JERK FREAKING GARBAGE. SHE SAID IT OUT LOUD! TO MILEY!!!

Miley went in her wonderful Southern accent, "Jerk Garbage? What in the world are y'all talkin' about, girl?"

"I'm so sorry it's probably going to take you a zillion years to figure that out, Miley," Lilly said and turned back to the windshield, which she should be looking at in the first place instead of making me blush and stuff.

Then Miley looked at me for an answer. Like I'm really going to just confess right up and there that I secretly call Jake Ryan Jerk Garbage and that I am the donut Lilly referred to.

I said, "Oh, that Lilly! HAHA!"

My God. Kill me? Oh, but that would be too nice. Instead, I'm alive still, suffering.

Either Jackson seriously just wanted me to sit there in uncomfortable silence for longer than necessary, or he drives five miles per hour, but we finally got to the mall. And we've been nonstop shopping ever since… I've already gotten Lilly the pair of Converse she's wanted for like ever… The ones where you draw on them, you know? I wasn't sure if I was supposed to get Jackson anything, but I felt bad that since he was with us, so I did anyways. I got him a white t-shirt with "CHICK MAGNET" stenciled across it. He'll never wear it, but whatever, Jackson's weird to shop for. I mean, he's my dream girl's brother… awkward, right? And I still haven't even found what to get Miley. It has to be perfect.

Speaking of her, Miley has been looking kind of sad all morning as she's shopped. I don't know why, but she hasn't really been talkative at all. She's really only speaking to Lilly. Which makes me kind of mad because I haven't done anything. Right, Stupid? RIGHT????

What the crud, why am I waiting for a response from a freaking notebook?

Wow. I am too cool of an antelope, I know.

Hold on a sec…

Lilly just came out here. She says I need to see Miley in this skirt because she isn't sure if she should buy it, and I guess my opinion will supposedly matter. "Even though you are just a donut," she adds. Whatever. She makes no sense.

So I gotta go, Stupid. I mean, I cannot turn down a moment of seeing Miley in a freaking SKIRT. I mean, HUBBA HUBBA much? AWOOOO! That was supposed to be a wolf howl, Stupid. Work with me here.

Although I suppose we antelopes here don't howl. What sound do antelopes make??? Do they even make noises? I'm guessing frustrated ones because I seem to be huffing and puffing a lot in my life lately. And sighing happily because of Miley. Oh, there goes a sigh now.

I mean, Tiger Lilly obviously growls and roars.

Miley, well, I haven't classified her as an animal yet. I've classified her as food instead, like a strawberry with greebluay eyes. Oh, geez, that reminds me, I'm hungry.

Er, but yeah, I suppose she'd be like a beautiful songbird.

AH! Sorry, Stupid! I must be getting to that beautiful songbird! Tiger Lilly is getting annoyed. Even growling like she's going to pounce on me again.

She wants me to tell you that, "'Ollie-kins' is sorry he must stop writing in you. And he is so girly for writing in you, a 'diary' (which you aren't), about all his mushy mush love for Miley Stewart."

I retort the entire thing. I mean, Ollie-kins? What the—

OKAY, SORRY, BLUBBERBUTT HAS TO GO, DIARY, GOOD FREAKING BYE!!!!!!

Love,
Ollie-kins and Lillllyyyyyyyy

I hope you get that Lilly wrote that last part, haha.

So, review and tell me what you think of my worst chapter ever. It's yucky and unfunny, I know. (runs from the throwings of random vegetables)