Three weeks, 21 days of enduring the constant ringing, beeping and buzzing from my phone – it's a wonder I have yet to put it on silent. If Barry hasn't gotten the message by now that I don't want to talk to him then honestly I don't think he ever will. Bringing the large glass of liquid fire to my lips I took a large mouthful of the ruby red liquid and watched as my phone danced into life across the coffee table yet again, Barry's name clear to see on the display.

Ignoring the buzzing I switched the lamp on beside the sofa and headed over to the book shelf which stored my childhood memories, pulling the photo album from them shelf I dragged my feet back across the thick carpet and slumped down on the floor beside my suddenly quiet phone. I flicked open the first page while waiting for the small notification that was sure to appear at the top of the screen to tell me alerting me that I received yet another voicemail from Barry... Just like it has done for the past three weeks without fail continuously taunting me to listen to the little messages he had been leaving me. It's been getting harder and harder to listen to his voice on the other end begging me to forgive him and let him know I'm alright... I cannot tell you how many times I had almost called him back. It happened so often that dialling his number was now a subconscious action. A ritual I fact that probably started after I had heard the very first voicemail...

Week One

For hours I have been lay here, tossing and turning just like the past six nights while my phone sits in mockery on the night stand beside the bed. Flipping onto my right side again I looked at the small white square of my phone wondering if I was to take it over to the window and throw it out would I be able to sleep them but quickly came to the conclusion that I wouldn't because it will only make me more curious as to what he had to say. How can one little notification at the top of a screen drive someone so insane with curiosity?

I want to listen to it … I do but I also don't because I don't want to hear his voice. I don't want to know what he has to say. He hurt me a lot and made me feel and look a fool. My pride is too strong for that. My pride will not allow me to listen to it know if I do then I will want to talk to him, I will allow him to explain and I will forgive him for everything he has done.

Looking at the clock beside the bed to see the bright red numbers telling me it was 4:37am I tried to convince myself it was wrong as I pressed the home button on my phone bright the screen to life to see that also confirmed the time was right but also gave me a reminder of that voicemail begging to the listened too.

Snatching my phone up I rolled onto my back and in a moment of madness allowed myself to listen to it, going through all the procedure they expect you too just to listen to your own messages. Press this and press that.

"Cait" Barry's voice filled my head followed by a long pause. I held my breath waiting for him to continue. Just hearing his voice say my name more than enough to make me want to hang up and call him, even if it is middle of the night. "It's me" he finally continued bring a small smile to the corner of my lips. I know it's him he doesn't have to tell me that. "I know you said you're not here anymore but I'm still sat outside your door. I made a huge mistake and I understand that. You have to believe me when I say the last thing I wanted to do is hurt you, I never ever ever want to hurt you. So what I'm trying to say is if you are in there can you please open the door so we can talk and if you're not then call me so we can talk. I'll wait for your call. I need to know you're ok… that we're ok and that we're still friends. I will not bother you again just call me"

Dropping my phone onto the bed beside me, it made me wonder how long he did sit there for, he left me that voice mail six days ago and I doubt he is still there but did he sit there all night, asleep on my doorstep? Or is he just saying that to make me feel guilty? I knew listening to that voicemail would be a bad idea; it's made me even more curious than I was to begin with.

Week Two

Considering Barry told me he wouldn't bother me and that I am to contact him when I want to, you would think my phone would be as dead as a door mouse but no it has been going off none stop all night because of him, as each called died I got another notification that he has left another voicemail, the grant total as it stands right now being four – he has left me five voicemails in the last hours.

Ignoring my phone once again I continued to drive my fists into the bag of sand suspended from the ceiling, I needed something to let of steam and to relax me and my father suggested I tried taking all the anger out on a punch bag like he did and even still to this day – whenever I feel over whelmed, angry or burning some energy I will take on a the bag of sand and give it everything I have, hoping for the best. Knowing I will come out the other side, clear minded and distressed.

My fists and feet continue to make contact with the bag in fluid movements one after another but unlike normal it only made my anger worse – No Barry made my anger worse. He said he wouldn't bother yet he is calling none stop for the past hour. Never mind it is almost midnight, what happened to what I thought was him telling me he would wait until I was ready to talk, that he will wait for me to call him. Did that vanish into thin air like almost every other promise he made me?

"I don't know who that poor bag is supposed to be but I feel sorry for them – maybe it's time to head to bed before you hurt yourself" I heard a familiar voice say from behind me bring a small smile to my face. It doesn't matter what mood I am in – some people just know how to make everything ok.

"I'm not tired yet" I spoke over my shoulder. "I'm going to continue a little longer" I took small sips off water from my bottle.

"Caitlin you really should stop" he approached the situation carefully. Knowing exactly how quickly and violently I could erupt when my emotions were unstable

"I said I was fine" I assured him while discretely holding the ice cold water bottle to my now red hand

"Caitlin. It wasn't a suggestion. If you continue like that, it's going to be a mission to get an ambulance out here not to mention those poor souls would have to drive in the dark... "

Having had just about enough of people pitying me I let my anger get the better of me "I SAID I WAS FINE"

Taking one more look at my anger fuelled state he sighed in defeat "Then wrap your hands correctly, I don't know how many times I have to tell you"

"You're not my father, you can't tell me what to do"

"I know I'm not your father and I never will be but that doesn't mean I don't care for you so whatever is eating you alive. Deal with it before you cause yourself an injury"

Without another word I was left by myself again but the words echoed around my mind, deal with whatever is eating me alive before I injure myself. The thing eating me alive is Barry and his none stop calling, is he dying or something because why else would he continuously call me after he said he would leave me alone and wait for me to contact him. With one last punch at the bag I grabbed my phone and dropped to the floor crossed legged and decided to get the pain over with.

Going through the ordeal of press this and press that again only for the robotic woman on the other end to tell me I now had six messages waiting for me, with a deep breath for courage I started with the first one.

"Cait it's been a week. I've been constantly banging on your door to the point the neighbours have filed a complaint with the landlord. I'm starting to think you've really gone but I don't want to believe it. You know tonight I thought I heard movement coming from your apartment but I soon realised that I'm wishing to hard for it to be real that I'm now hearing things. I wish you were here, I miss you and I'm sorry…. Again"

Before I could think do about it, I quickly skipped onto the next one which I received three hours after the first one.

"Caitlin it's me again … I'm sorry I said I wouldn't bother you but I miss you" he paused making me knot my eyebrows together due to how different his voice sounded. Has he been drinking? I asked myself as I sat patiently waiting for him to continue. "I miss you so much; I miss you so much that I'm listening to Adele. This woman is a genius, Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead – that is so true Caity but never mind I'll find someone like you"

For some reason that one hit me straight in the heart, is this his musical way of telling me he's giving up on me. That he doesn't want to know me anymore. Needing to know what comes next I quickly skipped onto the next message.

"It's me again … CAIT … I need you please say something I'm giving up on your … ok I'm not giving up on you. I promise I'll never give up on you and I don't want someone else. Please call me"

If it wasn't confirmed before that last message confirmed that he has been drinking and sounding more wasted with each message that passes which made me eager to hear the next one.

"No matter where you go, you know you're never alone. I'm only one phone call away; I'll be there to save the day. Superman got nothing on me. I'm only one call away … I'm being serious Elsa … one call so CALL ME"

If he wasn't making it hard enough for me to not call him after that it made me want to call him even more. Even wasted he still sounds like an angel when he sings – how is that even fair? I try to sing sober and I sound like someone strangling a cat yet Barry Allen sounds like a freaking angel. As much as I didn't want to listen to the last one knowing my inner strength to call him is slowly weakening I need to know what he says – every cell in my body is calling out to hear that final message which me left not even twenty minutes ago.

"I can show you the world, shining, shimmering, splendid, Tell me princess now when did you last let your heart decide? I can open your eyes, take you wonder by wonder. Over, sideways and under on a magic carpet ride" Barry sang down the phone as I mouthed the words along with him, until he paused again and took a deep breath "We should watch Aladdin it's such a good movie, you can be the Princess Jasmine to my Aladdin. I wish I had three wishes my first would be to see your face right now; you're probably doing that cute frowning thing because I called you princess. My second would to have you call me back because I'm becoming desperate now, I need to know you're ok and my last wish is to be with you, I miss you Caitlin more than you know but genie has taken the night off so I'll sit here by the phone and wait for your call." Another pause came as a meow like yawn sounded down the phone which told me as much as he says it, he will not be sat by the phone waiting for my call he's probably fast asleep by now. "I want my best friend back… so pick up the phone and call me… I think that is everything I have to say so goodnight Elsa, sleep tight and sweet dreams"

The stupid robotic female voice returned to tell me I had reached the end of my messages which I was happy about. For some reason hearing him say I am his best friend felt like he was stood in front of me saying it while he took a knife and plunged it into my heart repeatedly. That is all I will ever be to him – I will only ever be his friend or best friend as he said. I am forever to just be his friend and nothing else but what if I want more than friendship with him? What if I need MORE than friendship from him? Clutching my phone against my chest I found myself curled up in a tight ball on the floor silently sobbing to myself. It would have been easier to hear if he said he was giving up on me at least I can do something about that but this. I've been friend zoned and I know I only have myself to blame. He's probably been out drinking with Aurora she is probably with him now. Her lips on his while he holds her close when it should be me he is with but I left him so once again I am the cause of my own misery.

The calls continued to flood in as my voicemail began to slowly fill up again with his voice. Since his night of drunken voicemails I haven't listened to any of them. I can't – I can't sit and listen to him call me his best friend again when I want more than that but I'm also afraid of more, what if I hurt him. I warned him time and time again that I am dangerous and that I can hurt him but he doesn't understand – he doesn't understand just how dangerous I am.

Running my fingertips lightly over the family photo of my parents both hugging me at around age six I felt the tears begin to build again as the memories of happier times filled my mind. When I didn't have a care in the world and I had parents who loved me – who understood me. When I didn't have to be who I am now, when I didn't have to put on a brave face in public and hide away when alone, back when I wasn't scared of anything because I knew no matter what my parents would be there to protect me.

Flipping the page I came across a photo of just my parents, the love they had for each other clear to see in the way they looked at each other, when I was younger I would always wish that I would find someone who looked at me the way they looked at each other – a small part of me still wishes now and the truth is I've found that person but I'm scared of hurting him but I know by pushing him away I am also hurting him so whatever I decide I can't win.

"I miss you both" I spoke to the photo as I brought the wine to my lips taking a large gulp. "I wish you were both still here because I really need you both right now. I feel so lost and I don't know what to do" the tears began to silently fall down my cheeks as I spoke out loud.

To someone on the outside I might look like a crazy person talking to myself but what else can I do, they're not here to give me advice anymore and I need some so the best I can do is tell them how I feel even if they can't hear me – it can only make me feel a little better right?

"Mom I'm so sorry, I never meant to do it – I hope you can forgive me. I love you so much and I need my mother now but you're not here but that doesn't mean I don't think about you, I think about you every day. There was a time I could tell you anything and you would never judge me, you would support me so please forgive me. I need to know you can forgive me. It might be a little late but I really am sorry – if I could turn the clocks back I could but I can't" the edge of my index finger traced the outline of my mother's face as I spoke through my tear filled vision.

Flipping the page again, I felt my heart skip a beat as I came across a photo of my father and I outside in the garden, with our matching platinum hair and blue eyes. The memory of my mother telling us to get closer and stop messing around so she could take the photo came flooding back to me but my father didn't listened, he continued to tickle me which made me squirm around in his arms which annoyed my mother.

"I don't know why you did it but I'm beginning to understand. The life we have been given isn't easy and I want you to know that I'm not angry anymore, I'm not angry that you left me but I need your help now. You said I would be drawn to people and I need to figure out of it's a good thing well it's finally happened, for the first time in my life I've finally felt that pull and I think it's a good thing but how do I really know – you never told me. Daddy I think I love him but I'm scared of hurting him, how did you know you wouldn't hurt mom. You spent most of my life teaching me how to control my powers but how do I ensure that I don't hurt him, I've lost to much in my life already – I can't lose him by my hand. I want to let him in – I really do but I don't want to take his life, I'd prefer to take my own first" I sighed knowing maybe it would be easier to end it all now.

No one would really miss me, I like to think Barry would but as time passed I would just become a distant memory to him. He will move on and start a life with someone else. Could we ever have a normal life if he knew what I am capable of? I know my parents made it work and were happy but that doesn't mean I would be happy with Barry – if he learns the truth about me then he might think I'm a monster, he'll finally see me for the monster I really am.

"Daddy I need you to tell me what to do. I can't do this alone" finishing the rest of the wine in my glass, I placed the empty glass onto the table to refill when I feel like doing so. "Give me some sort of sign as to what to do" I begged.

Suddenly my phone Sprung to life again on the coffee table, placing the album onto the floor beside me. I saw Barry's name flashing across the screen. I don't know if this is my sign but I wasn't in the mood to find out right now. Reaching my hand out, I declined the call.

"Caitlin, are you there?" I heard Barry's voice making my heart race. "Cait I know you're there, I can hear you breathing. Please don't hang up"

Wiping the tears from my eyes, I carefully reached over and brought my phone closer deciding to listen to what he has to say. After all, the worst it could do is save me from having to endure another voicemail

"Caitlin please talk to me, I'm begging you now. It's been three weeks and I need to know you're ok, please just tell me where you are so I know you're ok so I don't need to worry. I miss you – please Cait talk to me" his voice sounded broken, just how I felt. Every word he said tugged at my heart strings making me want to curl up in his arms and just hold him while he holds me.

Reaching for my phone again, I increased the volume so that Barry's voice was more audible, I had missed speaking to him so much. I hadn't even realized it until this moment, wiping the fresh silent tears from my face again. "I miss you too" I admitted. Simple words but it felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders.

"Cait you have no idea how happy I am to hear your voice. Are you ok? Where are you?" he shot back down the phone making me want to cry all over again.

"I'm fine. I told you I was coming home – I'm in Central City"

There was a short pause not long enough to make me think he had cut the call but definitely long enough to make it seem as if he was not expecting that answer "Barry? You ok?" I started, but he cut me off before I could finish my question "Wait you're HERE in Central City, you LIVE in Central City. I've been going out of my mind and you're in the same city as me. How did I not know you lived here?"

"Because you never asked and I never asked where you were originally from" I told him honestly. He never asked where I came from, I never told him and I never thought to ask him as I didn't think it mattered.

"I've been in Central City for two weeks – I can't believe you've been here all along. Will you meet me?"

"What now?" My eyes widened in shock either the alcohol content has finally gotten to my Brain and this just another dream or Barry Allen had just asked me to meet him – Right now, In the middle of the night.

"Yes right now – meet me somewhere, I don't care where I just need to see you"

Biting my bottom lip I thought about it, I cast my eyes over at the photo album to the photo of my father and asked myself what would he do? Shutting my eyes I gave Barry the answer he wanted even before my brain had registered I had one to give "OK – I know a place; I'll text you the address"

Hanging up I decided to ignore everything and go with my gut that is what my father would have done. Growing up he would always tell me to never be afraid because somewhere inside you have more courage than fear but at times fear can scream louder. So for once I am throwing caution to the wind and having faith in my courage and hopefully it is stronger than my fear.

I arrived at the location at something to one in the morning. In typical Barry Allen fashion he was late as usual or he wasn't going to show. I took out my phone reasoning that if something had come up he would at least have texted me. I had been going through my thousands of emails for ten min before I got the feeling of being watched. Knowingly I proceeded to aimlessly scroll through my inbox until I felt the presence move to stand right before me. I tore my eyes away from the screen and looked up into those emerald greens I had grown to love so much a few more seconds had passed and he continued to stare at me with a look a look of longing and unbelieving.

Barry looked at me like he couldn't believe I was really real as if he expected me to vanish into thin air if he dare came any closer – not that he could come any closer. Realizing what was happening I stood up taking the opportunity to slide my phone into my back pocket.

"Hey" I said a tiny smile tugging at my lips for the first time in the best part of a month. He didn't reply he just looked at me as if I had just said the most ridiculous thing mankind had ever heard.

Feeling embarrassed and confused I averted my gaze back down to my feet had Barry not wanted to see me? Because I could've sworn that he was the one who wanted this meeting arranged in the first place. At some point his hand must have moved from his sides because the next minute his fingers were gently tilting my head up so I was looking him in the eyes once more, He reached out and with his other hand tucked a stray curl behind my ear and used the same hand to trace over my earlobe, across my cheek bone, over my lips before finally sliding down to rest in my own curling our fingers together and squeezing my hand tightly his other hand had long since abandoned my chin and was now resting lightly on my arm a second and two more past Barry's attention seemed occupied by our joined hands and with every second it felt like his grip was tightening I was sure he was never going to let go until he did.

It happened in a split second. Barry had used our tangled fingers to pull me to his chest before releasing my hands and taking me into a bone crushing hug His free falling tears were surely soaking my hair by now but I didn't mind "I missed you" he muttered into my hair it took me a while but I hugged him back even tighter only feeling slightly guilty for allowing my own cold tears to mess wet his shirt.

"I missed you too" murmured into his chest.

He pulled back for a second and even then it looked like he was having an internal struggle of whether or not to put distance between us even for a moment "Caitlin. I am so so sorry"

I sighed a deep sigh under his calculative gaze deciding not to make my previous mistake I looked up at him and straight into his eyes before breathing out my reply "I know you are"

So we're back and we're sorry about the long wait ... we didn't realise it had been so long.

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