Chapter 10

As soon as the door closed Olivia was on her feet again. "I had nothing to do with Etienne's death! She's the one who threw him down the stairs!"

"Have a seat, Detective."

"Captain..."

"Sit!" Olivia sat down slowly. "Alicia claims she told you to stay away from Etienne, is that true?"

"Yes, but..."

"And you ignored her?"

"He came to me!"

Cragen shook his head. "He came to you and said he was alone and hungry, that's what you're arguing?" Olivia nodded. "You suspected abuse, then?" Olivia nodded again, slower. "Why didn't you report it? You're an SVU detective, for God's sake Olivia! You could lose your badge over this!"

"I had no proof. If I told her I was a detective I thought she'd run or hurt him even more! He didn't have a mark on him, how was I supposed to prove she was abusing him?"

"That's why you report it: so we can investigate. You don't know what their home looks like, maybe there's evidence of the abuse there." Olivia of course kept her mouth shut about having searched Alicia's apartment.

"But I was right. She found out about me and now Etienne's in a coma."

"You have no proof she's responsible for that. Your gut may be enough for you, but that's not going to hold up to IAB." Cragen sighed and shook his head. "Hand in your badge and your gun. You can have them back when and if IAB clears you. I'm not backing you up on this one, Olivia."

Again Olivia considered arguing, but there was no point. She knew how it would look to IAB and she couldn't ask Cragen to put his ass on the line for her. She screwed up, and that was it. All she could hope for now was that Elliot didn't get in trouble. Without another word to Cragen, she got up and left his office. She went to her desk to clean some things out.

"Hey, what's going on?" Elliot asked.

"Cragen took my shield. I have to talk to IAB."

"What are you gonna tell them?"

"Don't worry, I won't rat you out."

"That's not what I mean, Liv. You were just trying to protect him."

"Illegally, and that's all IAB's gonna care about. Etienne would still be alive if I hadn't got involved."

"He's not dead, Olivia, he could still recover. And you have no idea what would have happened. She might have killed him some other way, or crippled him. You can't blame yourself for what happened." Before Elliot could say any more, Olivia broke down and began to sob. She had never lost it in front of Elliot and she felt ashamed to be crying in the middle of the squadroom in front of all the other detectives, but she couldn't help it.

Sensing her shame, Elliot led her quickly to the crib, away from everyone else. She wiped her eyes frantically but couldn't stop crying. "I'm sorry, El."

"Don't apologize. You care about Etienne, it's normal for you to be upset."

"I shouldn't care this much. I shouldn't have let myself get so attached. Now he's...he's dying...and it's my fault." She broke into sobs again, her heart physically aching, the sobs so strong she was bent over nearly double. Elliot steered her towards one of the cots and made her sit down. She wrapped her arms tightly around herself and rocked back and forth, her pain too much to care about Elliot watching her.

"You're gonna make yourself sick," Elliot said, crouching down to look into her eyes. She nodded, trying to catch her breath and at least control her sobs. It was difficult, but eventually she calmed herself down. "Come on, let me take you home."

Olivia shook her head. "I'll call Gracen."

"Alright. Get some rest, Olivia, you need it."

Once she had calmed down and stopped crying, Olivia left the precinct. She didn't call Gracen, as she had promised, but instead walked home. She passed her apartment several times and ended up wandering aimlessly around the city. Finally, after standing in front of the hospital for several minutes wishing she could visit Etienne, she went back to her apartment.

How do you keep getting in here?" Olivia asked when she saw Eva sitting on her couch.

"You need a better lock."

"I'm not in the mood to have it out with you again. Please just leave." Olivia had never felt so emotionally drained in her entire life.

"I'm not here to get on your case, I mean it. Would you go with me to see him? Alicia won't be there."

"My captain already took my badge, and I might end up losing my job because of this. The last thing I should be doing is going to the hospital."

"Please? I want to talk to you."

"We can talk here," Olivia said, but her resolve was weakening. When Eva stood up to leave, Olivia followed, to Eva's surprise. She didn't comment, though, only lead the way for Olivia.