Eli

I walked into the warm office of Dr. Brock. It smelled like cookies and then I noticed a plate of sugar cookies sitting on his table. He stood up and we shook hands. I guess he saw me eyeing the cookies, because that is how the conversation started.

"I see you looking at those cookies, my wife made them. She fusses on my about my health and then she makes me treats like these… Ah, but I love her. Do you have a special person?"

"Yes, no… I don't know. Her name is Clare and she's special to me but I don't think she cares about me anymore… With good reason."

"Aw come-on, what could you have done?"

"I hit her and… violated her."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"Yes you do… think about it. What could have made you hit and violate this person you care about?'

"I don't know!"

"Not an answer."

"I was mad!"

"Now we are getting somewhere…About something, or at her?"

"I don't remember."
"Come on Eli, think about this…"

"Well… the first time I… The first time I hit her was the first time I raped her. I think I was mad at her because she wasted coffee on a rare comic that cost me a shit load, she made a huge dent in the door of my car and she made this joke about me, everyone was laughing and I guess… I don't know. I overreacted. I just remember being so angry but she looked so… I got aroused but I was still so pissed off and I wanted to appease both of those feelings so I… drove somewhere there would be nobody to help her or interrupt me and I raped her and hit her."

"Do you often get aroused and angry?"

"Sometimes one follows the other. Sometimes it happens at once."

"Did this just occur when Clare came into the picture?"

"No, my ex girlfriend Julia… I used to say mean things to her because she was a cutter and I got some kind of…rise from seeing her claw into her skin with her fingernails when she thought I wasn't looking."

"Why do you feel the need to cause pain to others?"

"I don't know."

"Yes you do Eli."

"Really I just don't fucking know okay! I guess I'm just crazy."

"I want you to go home and think about that. I will see you again on Thursday."

"Sure."

I left the office. I thought he was going to help me not fucking quiz me to death. I got into the car and took a few deep breaths, my chest is tight and I'm light headed, I guess it's just being out in the fresh air after breathing in cookies for an hour…. I looked at my watch. Clare is going to be out of school by now.

I sped to Degrassi and made it just as she was coming out of the door. She was walking with Alli and KC? What the hell does he want with her…? Calm Eli, calm… I rolled down the window.

"Clare, want a ride?"

Alli eyed me evilly while KC grabbed Clare's backpack protectively. She whispered something to them and they eased off. She crutched down the steps and got into the car. Alli still seemed a little iffy.

"Alli, chat with you tonight?"

"Of course. On time this time geez!"

"Bye."

I took off and Clare sat quietly on the other side of Morty. Her perfume right now is simply intoxicating. I tried to think of something to ask her other than how her day was and what she done, but I couldn't… well at least I couldn't ask any questions other than that without having her say something that might upset me.

"How was your day?"

"It was better…How was therapy?"

"Useless."

"Well the results won't be instant."

"Well why not? If it takes years for me to get fixed then that means it will be years before I can be with you again Clare and I don't want to wait that long…"

"Try and be positive. Please?"

"Sure."

"Other than therapy, how was your day?"

"It was okay. Saw my parents yesterday."

"That's great."

"My dad shot my mom."

"What! Eli! Are you okay?"

"Clare you are overreacting, I'm fine."

"You saw it? Is he in jail?"

"No he left, but he pointed the gun at my head."

"Eli! Oh my god! You have to…"

"I have to do what Clare?"

"I don't know."

"I wish he'd pulled the trigger."

"Well I don't"

"Yes you do."

"No I don't!"

"Well you should."

"Don't tell me what to do!"

"Stop yelling at me Edwards."

"I'm sorry Eli."

Clare

Eli and I argued today. While arguing is usually a bad thing I was happy it happened. This is the first disagreement we've had in ages where he didn't snap and hit me, or say or do something to break my spirits. It was normal. Normal is what I need right now. The pregnancy ball missed me the first time but this time I have a feeling I won't be so lucky. I can pray that I'm not but that is all I can do.

Eli told me goodbye as I got out of Morty and he grabbed my hand. I felt something that resembled guilt. I guess because I haven't told him that I might be pregnant. God, I'm so stupid. I get out of the woods once and I wander back in. I guess I just never learned. It's just that when lust surrounds the air around him and he gives me that look with those jungle green eyes I lose it and all bets are off… My panties come off and the only care I have is getting off.

I went inside the apartment and saw there was a message on the machine. It was my dad saying that he payed the bills for another month because the deal was taking a few weeks longer to close than he thought. He promised to call Monday. Sounds like a plan. I placed my crutches beside the door and looked outside, the black hearse was gone. I called Alli.

"Hey Clare, are you okay?"

"I'm fine… Come over now, I'm home and bring it."

"Okay, this is so weird. I always thought I'd be first to need one of these things."

"Alli…"

"Okay okay."

Thirty minutes later Alli arrived with a box of tissues, a jar of pickles and a pregnancy test. She even had the decency to get the one that simply said "pregnant or not pregnant." God bless her. I took the test into the bathroom and I peed on the stick. Then I let Alli in and we waited. Five minutes felt like five days. Then the timer went off and it was the moment of truth. I can't look at the stick.

"Well Clare, it looks like… you should stock up on diapers and formula."

"No, please tell me you are kidding."

"I kid you not. Don't cry Clare."

"I can't help it. Eli is not mentally stable for a baby and I'm just all around not ready. I just wish… I wish things were different."

"You don't have to have it."

"What do you mean?"

"Like an abortion."

"Alli I can't do that."

"Adoption."

"No, not that either… Alli I just, I can't be pregnant."

"Clare I know you are pro-life but just think about it. You only have a few months though."

Thought abortion is wrong my mind was already made up. I can't bring a baby into this world. I'm not fit. I can't let Eli know either. Or should I… My conscience was eating me up. I decided to call him.

"Clare?"

"Eli, I have to tell you something."

"What's up?"

"I'm pregnant."

"Wow."

"I think I'm going to get an abortion."

"What! You haven't even heard my say."

"Eli! We aren't fit for a baby and my life is already so complicated."

"And you're supposed to be such a saint."

"No! I didn't give myself that nickname, it was given to me and I never said I was perfect."

"Clare do what you want. I just wish you wouldn't kill us."

"What?"

"Us… Just go ahead and kill the best parts of us that are growing in you right now."

"Eli just stop it! This is why I didn't want to tell you! I knew you'd try to change my mind."

"Damn fucking right I'm trying to change your mind Clare. Just, can we talk about this is person. You can bring along a friend and it can be in public I just need to see you while we talk about this Clare. This isn't like having your dog put to sleep, this is big… This is big; this is a person Clare, a baby!"

"Fine, meet me at the Dot in twenty minutes. Bring Adam and I will bring Alli."

"Okay."

Alli and I started walking to the Dot. I still couldn't stop crying; now I'm even more confused than I was before. What the fuck am I going to do? We arrived at the Dot and the black hearse was parked in front. Alli and I walked in, well I crutched in at least and Eli and Adam were sitting at a table in the back corner of the restaurant. I greeted Peter and then I went and sat down. Eli looked at me in a way I couldn't explain.

"Clare… Don't abort this baby."

"What else is there to do?"

"Have it. Raise it."

"Eli, look at us. You are…"

"Crazy, a fuck up, abusive?"

"…yes."

"That's the first time you've agreed to me saying that."

"Well this isn't the time for things to be sugar coated. A baby needs stability."

"So we will put it up for adoption."

"That would still mean I'd have to be pregnant Eli."

"Adam and Alli, could we have some privacy? Please?"

"Sure dude."

"Clare, whistle if you need me. Come on Adam, you can tell me about how miserable Drew is without me."

"Oh joy."

Eli moved over to the seat beside me. He slid close to me and wrapped his arms around me while I was crying. What am I going to do? I don't want to kill this baby but I know I can't keep it. The real reason I don't want to have it and give it away is because it would hurt too much. I'm so confused right now.

"Clare, we argued today. We are arguing now."

"What's your point?"

"My point is that I can get better. Sure, it will take a jizz load of sessions with Dr. Brock and his sugar cookie office but Clare we can be okay."

"It's a baby Eli."

"I know."

"A baby."

"I know that."

"You can't even take care of yourself."

"Hey, I have a fish."

"Wow and that's equivalent to an infant."

"Well we can learn to be good parents. We can take classes."

"We can't afford the baby."

"Yes we can."

"I can't."

"Yes you can."

"Shut up."

"Ouch Edwards you hurt my feelings."

"Whatever."

"Clare, in the end I know you have the final say and you call the shots since it's your body and all but this baby is going to be special. It might not be the next Bill Gates or Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley but it will still be extraordinary because it will be a life we made."

He wiped the tears that were constantly streaming from my cheeks with his scarf. I couldn't stop crying. I just couldn't stop. Eli gave me something to think about but now I need to decide on my own what I need to do. I just need some peace and quiet to think and then tomorrow… I can go to a clinic and talk to a doctor about either maternity care or… abortion specialists.

"Come with me to a clinic tomorrow?"

"Of course."

Eli dropped Alli and me off at my place and then he and Adam drove off. I got to my door and just as I was unlocking it I saw a shadow approaching me. Alli screamed but I stood still. That's when I noticed that it was Fitz.

"Fitz?"

"Hey Clare, I just came to be a bearer of bad news."

"What is it?"

"Ms. Brownstone passed away."

"What?"

"Yeah… It was over in the night when she was asleep… They say she looked peaceful though and she was happy all that day."

"Oh my god."

"Um, but there is something else, she left you this."

He handed me a huge box filled with shirts and jewelry and journals and photos. I was so overwhelmed. The nice old lady that had been my new friend earlier this week was not in an eternal rest, probably with Jimmy again. Hope he's nicer this time around.

"Why did she leave all these things to me?"

"Probably because all her kids died and you were the first visitor she's had in her ten years there."

"Oh. Thanks Fitz do you know when the services will be?"

"She was cremated, but I don't know about a service, I'll have to see."

"Thanks for telling me and dropping this off."

"No problem. Hey, why were you just crying?"

"Oh it's nothing."

"Didn't look like nothing."

"Could I tell you later?"

"Sure Saint Clare. See you around?"

"Sure."

He got into his rust bucket car and drove away. Alli helped me get into the house with the huge box. She then looked at me strangely as if she had a million questions to ask but she didn't know where to start.

"I have a million questions to ask but I don't know where to start. Since when do you hang with Fitz?"

"Since, I ditched with him Monday to do community service."

"Any spark?"

"No, he's sweet and funny but there's no spark."

"Sure… So I got caught up listening to Adam's tale or Drew's midnight crying and I didn't eavesdrop. What was Mr. Dark side saying?'

"He wants to keep the baby."

"Clare you know you get the last say right?

"Yes, and he knows it too…. We are going to the clinic tomorrow to talk to someone."

"Well, whatever you decide I'm by your side, I mean what else are friends for right?"

"Right… God Alli I don't know how I would be getting through this if you hadn't come back."

"I don't know either. Now let's eat something chocolate, warm and fattening."

"My thoughts exactly."

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