Once the apple pie Rachel had prepared for dessert was gone Rachel stood to clear the dishes and Heather jumped up as well.
"I'll help you," she said softly and a little too fast for the good feelings of those around her, "I should start earning my keep."
"Nonsense," Rachel said forcing a smile to cover her own heartache for the girl, "You are a guest here and you're hurt. You sit right down. These boys are more than capable of clearing a table."
She looked at the riders pointedly and was greeted with all of them jumping up to help. Rachel smiled.
"You know I wouldn't turn down help most nights but Cody, I think you ought to see Heather back to the house. Looks to be a lovely night for sitting on the porch a while. I'm sure the other boys won't mind this once."
They shook their heads even though the thought occurred to most of them that it wasn't just this once and Cody regularly worked his darnedest to get out of basic chores. But Rachel was right. On this particular night none of them begrudged him the chance to spend some time with Heather.
Cody offered Heather his arm and she took it and allowed herself to be led to the door and across the yard to the porch. On the way there she pulled him toward the corral.
"You don't mind do you?" she asked looking up at him with her startling eyes wide, "I'd like to watch the horses for a little while."
"Of course I don't mind, Heather. I want you happy and if looking at the horses makes you happy then I want to look at the horses."
Leaning against the top rail of the corral fence Heather turned her head to Cody.
"They're so beautiful," she said, "I always wanted to ride but Mama and I never had the money for a horse and then, well, Mama died."
"I could teach you," Cody offered, "Once you're up to it. We have a couple horses here that're real gentle."
"I don't want to be a bother," she said her voice betraying her and how badly she wanted exactly what he offered, "Once I get better I should help Rachel more. She works very hard."
"Honey, you are not a bother. You are part of our little family now. I'm sure in time you'll pitch in and help like the rest of us but that doesn't mean you can't do fun things too. Rachel works really hard but she also takes time to do things she enjoys. You're allowed."
Heather wasn't even sure what to make of that. There had never been any free time or fun time for her, not in longer than she cared to think about. There was only work and she just found ways to get to the work that was more enjoyable faster. She liked some cooking and baking and sewing wasn't so bad. The rest of it was miserable but she managed and just kept on. Her one bright spot in every day was heading over to the schoolhouse early and sitting a while to wait for the children. Those times became even better with the addition of Billy's company.
Cody saw Heather hug her arms to her chest and immediately took off his own jacket and placed it around her shoulders then hugged her to him.
"You want to go sit for a while now?"
Heather only nodded and allowed herself to be led to the porch. Cody pulled her to sit next to him on the top step of the porch. Heather leaned her head against his chest relaxing into the arms that encircled her. In the midst of all that had changed, he was still there, strong for her.
"I'm so sorry, Billy," she said softly into his shirt, "I really am."
"You don't have anything to be sorry for, Heather," he reassured her, "We'll get through this somehow. I know we will. I love you too much not to get through."
Heather just wrapped her arms around him tighter. She still didn't trust everything that was happening but she wanted to so badly. It was getting harder and harder to keep her guard up and she knew if she let it drop it would hurt all the worse when this wasn't real.
"Cody, it's time to say good night to Heather now," Rachel said from the doorway, "She needs her sleep so she can get her strength back."
The couple stood and Cody walked her to the door.
"You really do look pretty in that dress and with your hair all down like that," he said softly staring into her still frightened eyes, "Don't you worry. Somehow everything will be okay."
His fingers traced the contours of her face and the marks upon it.
"I hate letting you out of my sight," he told her, "But I'm right over there in the bunkhouse. If you need me you make Rachel come and get me."
Then he leaned and kissed her forehead and then the end of her nose and finally her lips. Heather could feel the desperation in the way he held her. His kiss was strong but so tender and she nearly wept at how loving he was to her. Too soon he pulled away from her and offered his best attempt at that bright smile that could make her believe everything was going to be fine even if the sky was falling down around her. He held her hand an extra moment.
"Sweet dreams, Heather," he said gently and then turned to leave the porch.
"Billy wait," she called softly causing him to turn back as she shrugged off his jacket handing it out to him. "Good night. I love you."
Cody took the offered garment and the chance to plant another quick kiss on her cheek and then he walked away.
"Sleep well my handsome prince," Heather whispered to the night air before going inside the house.
Rachel was waiting in the living room with a smile on her face.
"Did you have a nice time sitting and talking to Cody?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Heather," Rachel said fighting a frown, "I thought we determined we were friends. You call me Rachel, alright?"
"Yes. I'm sorry," Heather said dipping her head. She was ready to head to the room she'd been in earlier when she felt arms pull her toward the couch.
"I made us a nice pot of chamomile tea," Rachel said warmly, "I thought we could talk, just us girls."
Heather sat stiffly on the couch. Rachel looked after these young men and now that she knew what kind of girl Heather was, she probably didn't want her anywhere near Billy anymore. But she sat there anyway ready to take whatever came. Rachel just quietly poured the tea as if they really were just two friends sitting down to tea. But Heather knew better and braced herself for the heartbreak that was to come.
"Are you in much pain?" Rachel finally asked with a much more serious expression.
Heather shook her head looking at her hands in her lap.
"No, it's not so bad at all."
"Sweetie, it's alright to admit if you hurt. You don't have to be so brave anymore."
"Mostly just stiff and sore," Heather admitted, "I don't feel it when I'm close to Billy though."
Rachel reached to pat Heather's hand but was saddened when the girl pulled her hand back to avoid the contact.
"I'm not going to hurt you," Rachel said trying not to feel hurt or take Heather's actions personally, "No one here is going to hurt you. I promise."
"I'm sorry," Heather had offended Rachel and that wouldn't help at all.
"No, I'm sorry. I know you're frightened and it's only natural you would be. I really won't hurt you though. Maybe in time we can all prove that to you."
Heather only nodded.
"I'll bet you're tired," Rachel said suddenly, "Why don't I help you get ready for bed?"
Heather stood and made her way slowly to the room she'd been in earlier with Rachel following along. Once in the room Rachel handed over a fresh nightgown and helped Heather out of the dress and into the nightgown.
"I think tomorrow I should get to those hands again," Rachel noted, "They'll probably be a whole lot better the day after."
Heather climbed into the bed with the warm quilt the likes of which she had never known before and felt Rachel sit behind her untying the ribbon and beginning to brush through her long hair.
"Can I hold that?"
"What?" Rachel asked and then realized, "Oh the ribbon?"
Heather turned it in her bandaged hands. It was so smooth.
"I never had my hair tied in a pretty ribbon before."
"Then how about I tie your braid with that one tonight?"
Rachel could feel the girl relax little by little as she brushed through her hair.
"Can I ask you something, Heather?"
"Yes."
"We had a talk the other day," Rachel began, "And you asked how I knew Henry loved me and how I knew I loved him. I was wondering how you know Cody loves you and how you know you love him. I wouldn't ask at all but the two of you are so young. I want to make sure you're not so busy running away from a bad thing that you don't look what you're running to."
"I know I'm not good enough for him," Heather said sadly, "You care for him and you don't want him with me. It's okay."
"Oh sweetie that's not it at all," Rachel nearly exclaimed, "It's you I'm worried about. You're so young and being married and having that life together, well, that forever is a long time and even longer when you're young. I just want to know what lets you know this is right."
"A story Mama told me," Heather answered, "She told me that I was a princess in disguise but that someday a prince would come along and he would see past the disguise. I'm not stupid and I know I am no princess and Billy's not really a prince either but he saw past everything. I wanted to be even homelier than I am and I'm not pretty to begin with but he saw something deep inside me. Maybe that's silly, I don't know. I know I feel like maybe I am a princess when I'm with him on account of how he treats me. He must really love me. And I feel like I'm something good when I'm with him. I never felt that before."
Rachel couldn't stop herself from wrapping her arms around Heather and giving her a squeeze.
"That sounds like love alright," Rachel told her, "Can I get you to think on a couple things for me?"
"Yes."
"I know you two have been together and I figure you gave yourself to him."
Heather lowered her head.
"Don't be ashamed," Rachel soothed, "You're in love and that is what people in love do. I wish Cody might have shown some more restraint but he is a young man after all. I want you to consider that just because you're in love doesn't always mean you have to run a race to the altar and I want you to think about if you're really ready. I don't mean just ready to be someone's wife but to be a mama yourself. You've been doing the housework and child rearing all this time and you're little more than a child yourself. Maybe you'd like to have some more experiences before you are living that life again."
"Billy said we could get married right away."
"And you can, sweetie," Rachel agreed, "I'm just asking you to make sure that marrying right away is what you want. I don't think you've gotten to spend near enough of your life thinking what you want."
"He'll be upset."
"No he won't. You still love him. If we explain things then everything will work out just fine," she assured Heather, "Seems you have a birthday coming this week and there's the dance next weekend. That seems like plenty to concern yourself with. You don't need to plan a wedding on top of it all. Just think about things is all I am asking."
Heather nodded and Rachel rose to leave the room and let the girl sleep but then was drawn back by Heather speaking.
"Could I ask you something, Rachel?" Heather was terrified. She hadn't had anyone to ask advice of in so long.
"Of course."
"I'm so confused about what I feel right now," Heather said, "I know I love Billy and he makes me feel so good when we're together but I'm sort of afraid for him to touch me. I don't want to be with him—or anyone else—like that right now. I'm afraid that I might not ever and then I'm afraid that when I do he won't want me anymore or he maybe already doesn't want me."
Rachel sank back down onto the mattress and put an arm around the girl.
"You are dealing with some things no one should and so young too," Rachel nearly cooed at her, "I saw that boy's eyes light when you walked in for supper tonight. He still wants you like that. Any restraint he shows is because he doesn't want to hurt or frighten you more than you are. He's a good boy. And I'm no expert but I have a hunch you'll want him to touch you again in time. He'll wait."
"Do you really think so?"
"He'd be a fool to give up on a princess," Rachel answered, "Even one in disguise. Did he kiss you good night?"
Heather nodded.
"How was that?"
"So good," Heather replied, "He's so gentle and tender to me. But I didn't want him to do more than kiss."
"And he didn't so he's behaving. You just have to make sure that you let him know how you feel all the time. He can't help you through if you don't let him. Do you think you can sleep now?"
Heather nodded and watched as Rachel turned down the lamp before leaving the room and closing the door behind her.
Sinking back into the pillows under the quilt Heather thought on the day that had started before dawn with her running flat out to the station and then being too afraid to wake anyone or even talk to anyone. She had been terrified when Jimmy had come into the barn but he had been almost as sweet to her as Billy and the other one, Buck was so gentle and careful of her too. Still she hadn't felt completely safe until she saw Billy but then there had been a whole new wave of fear. She wasn't afraid he would hurt her but she was afraid he would turn away from her. She still feared that morning would bring a realization that she was tarnished now and that he no longer wanted her or could stand to look at her.
Under the covers she rolled on her side bringing her knees as tight to her body as she could. She felt so small and so alone and all she really wanted was to be held. Her first thoughts went to Billy but he wasn't what she wanted right now. She wanted her mama. No one else had ever loved her and asked nothing of her. She wanted to suddenly be six or seven again and know that if she was scared that those soft arms would wrap around her and the simple melodies would start to waft into her ears. She would be rocked and comforted and be safe. Fears would flee as darkness from the rays of the morning sun. She hadn't understood a good deal of what went on when Mama died. She had been young and whisked off to stay with neighbors while her aunt and uncle were contacted. They came for her the day after the funeral. She hadn't even seen her mother's body. She had gone off to school and not been allowed to return after. One of the men who visited her mother had found her dead. Sometimes Heather thought that her mother had known that they would not see each other again. Heather had kissed her goodbye like every morning but Mama had taken her shoulders and kissed her again and held her tight.
"Remember who you are inside and don't let anyone tell you you're not."
In all the time that she had been with Uncle Martin and as badly as she felt about herself, she always remembered that Mama said she was a princess. Some days it seemed ridiculous to her to keep holding to it but she did anyway. It was the last promise she had made to her mama and she'd never break it. Still it made her angry to think Mama might have known and hadn't given her a chance to say goodbye proper though she doubted she could have found a way to do it.
Heather had cried a good many tears since Mama had died but she'd never really grieved her mother. She had wept for her own loneliness and misery but never really her loss. But now the little girl she had been when she stood at her mother's graveside rose up within her and begged to be allowed to cry, to grieve, to let out the pain she had held inside for so long. Heather was not merely lonely or frightened; she missed and needed her mama.
The tears came and she gasped for air hugging her knees tightly to her as the sobs wracked her thin body. She cried and cried and for a time did not even notice the arms that encircled her or the soft voice that sang in her ear.
Rachel had barely gotten herself under the covers when she heard the sobbing. She rushed to Heather's room and found the poor girl curled into as tight a ball as she could work herself into sobbing and calling for her mama. It broke her heart to think of this poor girl going so long without that love and comfort that a mother could give. There was no thought behind her movement to the bed and onto it. She pulled Heather into her arms and rocked her. Singing every lullaby and sweet song she knew and interspersing it with words of comfort, Rachel held the girl while she cried. Eventually the thin body in her arms relaxed a little and the sobs came less frequently. Rachel still held her tight and cooed sweet words of comfort in Heather's ear. She told her it was alright and she was safe and loved and such a pretty girl and a special girl. She told her she was a princess and that no one would hurt her. In time Heather turned her head up in the darkness and saw the silhouette of a woman with soft curls and felt herself in the soft comforting arms of a woman.
"Mama?"
Rachel kissed the top of Heather's head before speaking.
"No sweetie, I'm not your mama. It's just me, Rachel."
"Mama used to hold me and sing me those songs," Heather whispered.
"I'm so sorry she's gone," Rachel said softly, "She sounds like she was a good mother."
Heather nodded against Rachel's shoulder.
"I miss her so much."
Her tears renewed and Rachel just held her all the tighter. Eventually they both fell asleep with Rachel leaning against the headboard cradling Heather in her lap and held tight to her.
Heather just about killed me with that last bit, darn her. Poor thing.-J