The Empty Vase
Chapter ten: Thank You
A/N: Okay...yeah I know. How long has it been since you've heard from me? Months? I know, I know. Go ahead. Yell at me ifyou want. I really don't care. And I KNOW you all wanted a chapter from my other story...but I'm sorry to tell you...that's not what came out when I started writing. A chapter for this story came out. So I'm sorry. You'll live. I swear.
Oh yeah and I advise you to read the past few chapters or something...or at least the last chapter. Because I don't think you'll get this if you don't and I highly doubt you've remembered what has happened so far. So yeah! That's my suggestion!
It happened almost a week ago. James is out of the Hospital Wing and back into his old swing of things. If he can go back to his old routine then why can't I? I can't stop thinking about last week. Just all of it. From the moment I went out into the rain that night...until the moment where I saw James crying with Sirius.
I keep feeling horrible about that night. James practically saved my life...well not practically...he did. James saved me that night...and I didn't even thank him....
I look at the clock beside my bed and I read clearly "3:48". It's almost four and I haven't had a wink of sleep. I haven't been able to sleep well for a week. It's all because James won't leave my mind. The sight of him crying haunts my thoughts. The guilt in my heart just keeps growing...
I give up and get up out of bed and make my way down to the common room. I don't care that I'll be tired for classes tomorrow. I really don't.
When I go downstairs I see someone down there too. It's not much of a surprise really. I really should've expected it more. I knew James would be down there. He's always down there still at this time...I don't know how he's never tired.
"Hey Lily..." he says staring at the fire place. He didn't even look back to see if it was me when I went to go sit near him on the couch. "I was hoping you'd come..."
"Why's that...?" I ask softly looking down at the floor.
"Because I need to tell you someting..."
I look up at him and stare at him questioningly. "What'd you have to tell me?" I ask quietly.
He turns to look at me and takes his eyes off of the fire place for the first time, and he moves closer to me staring deep into my eyes. So deep that I feel like I can't look away even if I had tried...even if I had wanted to. "I needed to tell you that I'm sorry..."
I almost choke on my next words. "You're...you're sorry...? Why are you sorry...?"
"Because I can't do it. No matter how much you want me to...I can't bring myself to do it..." he whispers and now I notice that he's right next to me...
"Do what...?" I ask faintly, staring at the little space left between the both of us.
"Do what you want me to do..."
"I don't want anything from you..." I assure him...but I'm not so sure of it myself even.
"Lily..." He tilts my chin up slowly to look him in the eye and force eye contact. "You want me to back off and I can't do that..."
"James...please...I just...I'm begging you..." I say weakly feeling like my heart is getting heavier and heavier.
"I can't do it...I'm sorry..."
"Why won't you...? Why won't you try...? It's not like I'm making it difficult for you to leave me alone. I keep pushing you away but you won't leave."
"And I'm not going to. No matter how much you push me away I'm not moving. I'm not going to let you do this to yourself..." He finishes the gap between us and doesn't even hesitate to pull me into his arms. And I don't move either. I can't move...This weight on my heart is too heavy to let me move away from his arms. It's too hard to carry anymore...and for the first time in my life...I don't care that I'm weak and vulnerable.
"I just wanna help..." he whispers, it coming out so weakly that it seems like it's all that's in him to hold me.
"I know you do..."
"Why won't you let me? I wish you would...I wish more than anything...that..." He lets his sentence fade.
"You wish more than anything that what...?"
"Nothing, Lily...it's nothing. I just wish you'd let me help..." He looks away from me and down at the floor, sighing deeply.
"James...there's something you don't know...there's something you don't know about...I wouldn't be pushing you away as much if there wasn't something else I didn't want you to know..."
He looks back up at me shocked. "What are you talking about...?"
"There's a reason I'm so cold and distant...it's not my father like you think it is. I mean...he didn't help much with making me like I am...but he's not the reason I act the way I act." I've gone on for the longest time not mentioning this...I've gone on forever not saying a word about it. I've only talked to my sister about it...I can't do that anymore...not since...not since she wanted to forget we were even related.
"You're not gonna tell me either..." It's like he was wording what I was feeling about it. I don't wanna tell him...I think.
"I...can't." He doesn't seem surprised by what I say.
"Are you trying to torment me, Lily? Are you trying to get me to feel worse?"
"Of course not! No! I'm not doing that I swear!" I say desperately my eyes only watering slightly. I wipe at the tears.
"Why would you have said that...if you're not going to let me help...? If you're not gonna let me help you? The only reason I can think of is to make me feel worse...to torture me somehow..."
I feel even guiltier now. How can he make feel guilty for not telling him a secret? My secret. Not anyone elses...I have the right to not tell him. I have the right to make myself feel better or worse. It's all my decision. Just James always makes me feel like I've made the wrong one. "Don't. Please just don't."
"Don't what...?" He runs his hands through his hair, one of his oldest annoying habits, but this time it's not bothersome. Maybe because this time he's not just trying to look better or show off something.
"Don't say it. Don't say that. I'm not doing this to torture you!"
"I can't do it. I'm sorry...I just can't do it...I won't do it...I refuse..." he says in a low weak voice, staring down at his hands in his lap.
"Do what, James?"
"I'm not giving up on you like you want me to..."
Now I've just got mixed emotions. I don't know whether I want to smack James right now for not doing what I want him to...or break down crying because, in a sense, it could be one of the only things anyone has even done for me because they care. Well...because he thinks he cares...he's fooled himself...God, please don't let him fool me too...
"I know you don't want to open up to me...but just know that...Well that I'm here when if you finally do..." I look down at the floor, feeling guilty. "Lily...I just...can't take it that you won't even try to get help for yourself."
I close my eyes, suddenly very tired...I burry my face in my hands fighting back the tears...I try fighting off the urge to cry too often now... "Please...don't say that..." I try to whisper out just loud enough so he can hear me, "Please...When you say it like that...You sound like you're giving me pity. I hate pity..."
"I'm not giving you pity. I just care...As much as you make think otherwise...I do care about you. And I just....I miss that sparkle in your eyes when you laugh....I miss your eyes lighting up when you smile...I miss that way...just staring up at your eyes said a thousand words for you without you needing to say a thing at all..." He titles my chin up putting a hand on the side of my face tenderly in such a comfortying way it shocks me. "I miss that, Lily...I never see your eyes anymore...you always are looking down or away. And now...when I do...all that happiness I once saw...somehow got replaced with hate. It eats at me that it has..."
"Stop it, James..." I say weakly, finding all the strength I can to look him in the eyes.
"Please, Lily. I can't stand it anymore."
"But it's not your problem!" I yell, moving as far away as I can from him. I feel his hand leave the side of my face and suddenly I feel panicked with how cold I am.
"It's my problem when it is hurting someone that I care abo--"
"Stop saying that! It's not true. That's a lie," I yell angrily...but it feels like I'm trying to convince myself of it more now than him.
He doesn't say anything...he just...for a moment he just sits there staring at me. With this horribley sad look on his face. And I know that my face has softened now into a look that probably is similar to his. He doesn't say anything while he moves next to me again. He doesn't say anything while he pulls me into his arms holding me close. Only did he say something when I started to cry...He only spoke to whisper to me softly in my ear while I was turing his shirt wet with tears. He says, "It's okay, baby...it's okay...there's nothing wrong with crying...And it's not a lie...I swear it's not..."
I don't even argue. I don't have the strength with all this crying. Or maybe I just don't want to believe it's a lie. Maybe some part of me wants to believe he cares.
"I haven't cried for years until this week..." I admit still staying put with his arms around me protectively. "I hate it when I cry...I feel so...so weak and vulnerable..."
"It's okay to feel like that...there's nothing wrong with feeling like that..." he whispers again holding me a little tighter.
"I can't do this, James..." I say, thinking of moving away from his arms. I think it...but I'm not doing it. I can't bring myself to do it...I'm too weak to push him away. I'm too weak to remember how to be strong.
"You're not doing anything...I know you don't want to go through anything alone...I know you don't really want to fight me off right now..." He lets out a faint sigh, "But you do it anyway...Lily...Please...please just let me hold you for tonight..." He looks me in the eye again, wiping a tear away softly from my cheek. He finds a way to my hand and locks his fingers with mine...yet again it's comforting to me...
"Don't do this. Please..." I drop his hand from mine almost half-heartedly. I get up from the couch and move over to the fire place. Looking into it distracted. I probably look like a mess with my tear stains running down my face.
There's just...there's been...I can't explain it. There's been a change in James and a change in me. I hardly know myself anymore.
"Can I ask you something, Lily...?" I can feel his eyes on me.
"Sure, James...sure..." I at least owe him that I think...
"Why haven't you mentioned anythign about the other night?"
I turn around to look at him feeling stupid. I wipe away the last of my tears taking a deep breath befrore I say, "That ngith with Malfoy and Snape? I...Oh, James...I'm sorry...that was all my fault...I should've listened to you...You tried to tell me but I just wouldn't listen. I'm so sorry. And Inever thanked you for saving my life that nigh--"
"I didn't do anything that you need to thank me for." He looks down at the floor...this time to avoid my eyes.
"Yes, you did. Without you, that night who knows what would've happened to me. Thanks..."
"Really. Don't thank me. But I wasn't talking about that night anyway, Lily."
"What night are you talking about then?" I'm so confused.
"When you saw me and Sirius in the Hosptial Wing. I know it was you."
"It was me? What was me?" I ask trying not to show my nerves.
"It was you under my invisibility cloak. What do you know?" He somehow finds a way to my eyes...and I don't look away. There's no use in it.
"I don't know anything," I say as calm as I can.
He stands back up and moves over to me. He looks me straight in the eye again only a few inches from me, making my knees weaken slightly and my heart race from nervousness. "Don't lie to me. Just...what do you know?"
"I just heard something about...about your family." I try to look away but I don't have the heart to.
"You mean you know about that summer?" How can he stay so calm about it?
"If that's when it happened then...then yes. I'm sorry, James."
"Don't be...It's not your fault. You didn't kill any of them. I don't want to talk about it. I just need to know if you knew or not." He breaks away from staring at my eyes to look down. "You should get some sleep, Lily. We've got class tomorrow."
I sigh, not saying anything for a moment. "James...?"
"Yes?"
"I just want to tell you...thank you," I say quietly taking a step away from the fire place and toward the stairs back to my room. "G'night..."
And then I leave. Nothing else said, and a thousand thoughts running through my mind. How in hell was I supposed to get through tomorrow morning?