Everything is forgotten the moment Azura hears that Corrin has relapsed. She is the first person outside her sister's door every morning, praying for her recovery with all her might. Though she's not allowed to go in and see her, she insists on sitting outside for several hours of the day, anxiously asking Jakob, Felicia, or Flora for news whenever they come out to fetch something for the medics or rest from tending to their mistress. The other princes and princesses drop by to check on her, but none stay all day like Azura does.
In the afternoons, she's joined by Laslow, who seems to be very worried. Azura pays him no mind; she has no time to wonder why he's there, despite the fact that she's always known Corrin to dislike him immensely.
She's asked Kaze not to come with her. She still hasn't spoken to him about her secret, but she doesn't want to cause Corrin any more distress if she wakes up. The guilt she feels about her part in Corrin's worsening condition is immeasurable. She doesn't care now if Corrin denies her request, she just can't bear the thought of having her die, especially not because of her own selfishness.
Two days after she begins her vigil, Jakob opens the door in the late morning.
"Lady Azura, she's awake," he informs her, and the relief is so immense that she presses her hands over her mouth, barely holding back her tears.
"Thank the gods... thank goodness..." she says shakily. "Oh, thank goodness...!"
"She wishes to speak with you," he adds, his expression not unkind.
Her chest aches uncomfortably but she nods and follows him in.
Corrin looks awful. She's been propped up in her bed with a series of pillows, but it's obvious she hardly has the strength to hold herself up. Her hair is sticking to her face with sweat, and she seems to be shivering slightly. Her lips are bloody and cracked, her eyes swollen. Azura wants to cry; she's never seen her sister look so fragile before. She has always seemed so beautiful, so noble, a touch of wildness to her features that gives the impression she's above such human things as illness. Clearly that impression is wrong, but even so, Azura feels like she's looking at a faint ghost of the Corrin she knows. It's painful to see.
"Felica, Jakob, Flora... Please leave us alone for a few minutes," she croaks. Her voice is incredibly hoarse and weak, and Azura bites her lip to prevent herself from crying.
Once they are alone, an awkward silence falls between the two women, Azura standing quietly at Corrin's bedside, her hands fidgeting slightly.
"Corrin... I'm so sorry," she says quietly, her voice breaking. "I... it's my fault you got so sick... I shouldn't have told you something so stressful while you were recovering..."
Corrin doesn't say anything for a moment, her eyes looking up at Azura with a sadness that pierces her heart.
She looks so... resigned...
"Azura... I'll ask you again. Are you absolutely sure? About..." she doesn't seem to be able to finish her sentence, her expression pained.
"Yes..."
"I see..." she says quietly. Azura can almost see the last bit of life go out of her, her whole body drooping forward slightly.
"You... you don't have to help me," Azura says, her chest tight. "It was selfish of me to ask for your help when this is all my own faul-"
"I'll speak to Xander," Corrin says abruptly.
"...What?"
"I'll speak with him. To arrange your... marriage... to Kaze," she says, coughing a little as she speaks. Azura notices she's clutching her sheets tightly, her complexion even paler than a moment ago.
"But...!"
"It's... the right thing to do," Corrin says, and for some reason Azura gets the impression that she's speaking mostly to herself. "This is the only way to protect you. You're... You're my sister, Azura..." she continues, her voice breaking. "I will always do whatever I can to keep you safe... We're family, after all..." Her voice has become almost a whisper.
"Corrin..."
"I just want you to be happy," she says, and she gives Azura a smile so sad and so heartbreaking that Azura cannot believe she has ever begrudged this woman a thing in her life.
Even though you look so broken, even though you're clearly upset that I was careless, you're still only thinking about others... I don't deserve a friend, or a sister, as kind and selfless as you...
I don't deserve you, Corrin...
She falls to her knees at her bedside, the emotions in her heart pouring out as she sobs into the edge of her sister's bed.
"Thank you... thank you so much... please, forgive me, I'm so, so sorry..." she cries, and she's no longer sure exactly what it is that she wants to be forgiven for.
It had been a while since Laslow had properly practiced with a bow, but he found that the movements came back to him fairly easily. He exhaled and shifted his stance slightly, one foot angled a little to the left, and raised the bow, remembering not to grip the wood with his hand.
Leave your fingers open and relaxed, let the bow hold itself against your palm from the tension in the string...
He fitted the arrow and pulled the string taut, his hand pressed against his cheek as he took his aim at the target.
Breathe. Don't aim too long. Look, exhale, release.
He let go and with a loud thunk the arrow buried itself into the wooden target, only slightly off the center.
"Oh, not bad!" The sound of lazy clapping startled him, and he turned around to find Niles and Odin watching. "You look like you might know what you're doing," Niles said, his voice a drawl.
"I've shot before, once or twice," Laslow shrugged. Odin snorted.
"You're so full of it, you used to practice bowmanship almost as much as you practiced danci-"
"Odin!"
"What? It's the truth," Odin scoffed, but a moment later he seemed to remember himself and his demeanor changed considerably. "Regardless! We have come to collect you, fell comrade of the night! Nearly has the time come for our imminent departure!"
"What he said," Niles yawned. "Hurry it up, will you, loverboy? There's nothing like the night before a wedding to drink yourself into oblivion. And to play a bit with the groom's nerves," he smirked.
Laslow nodded. "Just let me put the equipment away," he said, unstringing the bow.
A few minutes later the three of them left the practice range and made their way back into town, the setting sun turning the grass beneath their feet a dark orange color.
"It's weird, isn't it?" Odin said as they passed through Mozu's fields. "Holding a wedding just a few days before we set sail for Hoshido?"
"I smell a cover up," Niles said cheerfully, his smile wide and full of meaning. "Only one reason you marry a woman off as quickly as possible, and it isn't like the bride and groom haven't been sickeningly all over each other for the last few months."
"Niles!" Laslow said sharply. "You'll get killed saying things like that. Besides, Lady Azura and Kaze are hardly the type to let themselves get so carried away that they'd break any taboos."
"Hmph, I still say Lady Azura is less of a prude than everyone seems to think," he replied. "Anyone willing to show that much skin on and off the battlefield can't be as prim and proper as all that."
"Hey..." Odin said, holding his cloak closed over his rather revealing clothes. Niles laughed.
"Ho ho, have we been discovered for an exhibitionist, Odin?"
"Alright, cut it out," Laslow said, rolling his eyes. "Look, it makes plenty of sense to marry them now. Once we're in Hoshido, we'll be fighting day in and out. We won't have time for this sort of thing, and we don't even know if we'll all live to tell the tale. Better to enjoy the festivities in peace and give the couple a few days of happiness before we're all thrown back into hell. I'm sure that's all Lord Xander was thinking when he set the date for the ceremony."
"If you say so," Niles said, his expression infuriatingly smug.
Corrin walked through the castle gardens, trying to think only of the red leaves crunching beneath her feet and the comforting feeling of cool fresh air on her face. It had taken a couple of weeks, but she had finally made a full recovery, and in a few days, the army would be embarking across the sea and toward Hoshido.
That thought would have paralyzed her only a few weeks earlier, but Corrin was better informed now. It would be almost an entire year before they could hope to reach the border proper of her homeland. Several buffer states existed between Hoshido and Nohr, and not all of them were neutral. On top of this, they would now be facing enemies on a regular basis. Marching across Nohr, their own country, was one thing, but it was unlikely that the Hoshidans would allow an invading army to come to their doorstep unchallenged. Crossing the unfamiliar terrain would be difficult, and Leo had explained to her that wars of this scale often lasted several years. After all the time it took them to reach the border in the first place, Corrin didn't doubt it.
But while the thought of having the war drag on for so long was disheartening, it also gave her a small measure of relief. A long campaign meant that her encounters with her brothers and sisters in Hoshido would be few and far between, and it would give her time to better plan how to overthrow Garon when the time came. It gave her the space to breathe, though it also gave her too much time to think about other things.
"You look pensive, darling."
She looked up. Camilla and Elise were coming up the path toward her, their expressions gentle and concerned.
"Are you sure you should be outside, sis?" Elise asked, her eyes wide and full of worry.
"Camilla, Elise, hello," she said, giving them a small smile. "I'm fine. The medics said I could do whatever I like now, as long as I don't push myself too much."
"How much is pushing yourself?" her younger sister pouted, taking Corrin's arm.
"Hmm, no fighting for a few days. Everything else is fine. They even told me I should exercise again, since I've been in bed for so long."
"Oh, in that case, I'm glad," Elise said, beaming. "Then you can dance with me tomorrow!"
Corrin tried her best not to flinch.
"I suppose so..."
"Dear, even if you are allowed to be out and about, I hope you won't exhaust yourself at the party. And no drinking, understand?" Camilla said firmly, hands on her hips. "The last thing we need is to have you collapse for a different reason."
"Heh, I'll be sure to keep that in mind."
The three of them resumed the walk down the path, Elise linking arms with both her sisters in the middle.
"Azura looks so happy, don't you think?" she said cheerfully. "I'm so glad that Xander approved of their relationship. I thought he wouldn't, but I'm happy he said we're all free to marry whoever we want. He's right, after all; Father won't care as long as Xander himself marries into a proper rank."
Corrin said nothing, keeping her eyes firmly forward.
"Yes, and I feel rather bad for Xander... but they really do suit one another," Camilla said, running her fingers softly through her curls. "I hope it will be a long and happy marriage, for my baby sister's sake."
"Azura isn't that much younger than you," Elise pointed out.
"Darling, didn't you know? All three of you are my dear baby sisters. And Leo is my only baby brother," she said, smiling her indulgent smile. "But it is rather hard to see my little ones getting married before me; I'll be an old spinster before I know it at this rate." She tutted, and Corrin failed to hold in her laughter.
"You?! A spinster?! Please, Camilla, you have your pick of this entire army! You could have any man or woman you wanted! You only stay single because you want to."
"I could never choose," she said, sighing. "None of them are nearly as adorable as my dear sisters."
Corrin and Elise laughed, but deep inside a sharp pain shot through Corrin's heart.
If only that sentence meant the same to me as it does to Camilla.
Every stroke of the brush through her hair seemed to be counting down the seconds until Kaze arrived, and Azura's breath kept catching painfully in her lungs.
"Just a bit more, milady," Mozu said, carefully holding up a handful of long hair as she worked. Azura's heart was hammering in her chest, her palms slightly sweaty as she clasped them in her lap.
"Y-yes..."
"Are ya nervous, Lady Azura?" Mozu asked as she carefully ran the brush through the long strands.
"It's a little frightening," Azura admitted, fidgeting with her dress. "I've never been good at being in front of crowds..."
"But ya sing all the time!"
"Yes, but if I'm not doing anything, if I'm just standing there... it's unnerving..."
Mozu chuckled. "I s'pose ya always did like keepin' to yourself, milady. But today is your day, you should at least smile!"
She looked up into her mirror. The young woman staring back at her felt like a stranger; though the golden eyes and face were the same, there was a pretty blush on her cheeks and her face looked a bit more rounded than usual.
That's because of you, isn't it? she thought, unconsciously pressing her hands to her stomach. It was still far too early to feel anything, but she felt somehow warm at the thought that she wasn't alone.
"There, see?" Mozu beamed at her in the mirror. "You're lovely, Lady Azura."
A faint blush worked its way up her neck, and Mozu began to hum as she made the final adjustments to Azura's dress.
"Finally, I can sleep normally," she muttered to herself, and Azura pressed her hand to her mouth to stifle her laughter. Poor Mozu, keeping an eye out for us all these months. I really don't deserve her sweet loyalty, but I'm thankful for it all the same.
A soft knock came at the door, and Azura's heart leapt up into her throat.
"Come on in, Kaze," Mozu called. "Lady Azura is just about done."
He opened the door but didn't cross the threshold. He seemed petrified, his gaze on Azura, and she knew her face was burning.
"Do... do I look that terrible?" she asked, unable to look him in the eye. He looked very handsome and dashing, his usual shabby clothes gone in place of what Elise would call "princely attire." Across his dark gray shirt, he wore a sash with the color of the Nohrian flag. Though he would not take Azura's rank, he would still be considered part of the royal family, and Xander had insisted that Kaze dress for the occasion. Azura thought it rather suited him.
"You look beautiful, Lady Azura," he said, his own face red. He held out a hand for her, and she took it shyly.
"Just Azura," she said. "From now on, Azura is enough."
Corrin sat through the entire ceremony as was expected of her. She sat in the front row next to Xander, her eyes cast forward, her hair arranged prettily over her shoulders. She watched as Kaze and Azura made their way down the courtyard, hand in hand, and she was able to see every smile, every breathtaking gesture Azura made as she went through the rites.
Azura seemed to be glowing. Her eyes were soft, her hands trembling slightly with what Corrin knew were nerves. Her face was flushed, but it only served to accentuate her loveliness, especially in the flowing white dress that Camilla had picked out for her. It hugged the contours of her body suggestively, and Corrin unconsciously dug her nails into her palms.
She's radiant... and she looks so happy...
She looked away, hearing the rites but not really listening.
Don't cry. Don't. You promised yourself you wouldn't. This is for the best... This way, she'll be safe, and she'll be happy. There's no reason to cry, Corrin.
Something wet trailed down her cheek.
No! Stop! Stop it! You can't do this here!
She never understood how she was able to take control of herself for the rest of the ceremony, but before she knew it, it was over, and there were no more pieces left of her heart to break.
The party wore on into the evening without pause, music and laughter filling the castle gardens. Laslow was still feeling rather hung over from the night before, but he didn't turn down the wine offered to him by the maids and butlers making their way through the crowd.
Ah, I'm going to be shit drunk at this rate, he thought as he emptied his third glass. Still, this is much more pleasant than that hard liquor Niles likes so much. I don't drink nearly enough to enjoy crap like that.
"I hate stuffy parties like this," Peri complained, arms crossed. They were sitting together at Lord Xander's table, though the prince himself was off dancing. It was a nice change, Laslow thought, seeing Xander enjoy himself from time to time.
"Why don't you go dance?" Laslow asked, stifling a yawn.
"It's boring," she huffed. "Besides, how come you're not dancing? I thought you loved sappy stuff."
"No reason, really," he shrugged. "Just a bit tired. We took Kaze out drinking yesterday."
But Peri wasn't even paying attention, and he found he didn't care very much.
He cast his eyes out over the crowd and easily found Selena. She seemed to be dancing with Lady Camilla, and Laslow was not surprised to see that she was laughing, her face only slightly less flaming than her hair.
Ah Severa, you're the only one who hasn't noticed yet, but Lady Camilla and the rest of us certainly have, he thought, grinning stupidly. He thought that there was a rather mischievous glimmer in the princess' eye as she led Selena around the courtyard, her hand firmly held at the small of her retainer's back. If he were closer, he would have wolf-whistled, if only to annoy his childhood friend.
Odin was off in the other corner, speaking animatedly to Felicia, who looked like she was eager to get back to work. Not far off, he spotted the newlyweds, dancing with their arms around one another. They hardly seemed to notice anything around them, and Laslow felt the romantic in him approve.
On a day like this, it would be wrong not to look at the person you love.
As if on queue, he began scanning the crowd for a glimpse of hair the color of ink. Though few people in Nohr had hair that dark, it was hard to find in the dim light of the lanterns. It was only a few minutes later that he spotted her, standing alone at the castle gate, staring at something in the courtyard with a pained expression on her face.
He frowned. He recognized the look, but it was one he associated with her illness. For a moment he thought she might be relapsing, but by chance he followed her glance and realized she was staring at Kaze and Azura. As he watched, Azura stood on her tiptoes and whispered something into Kaze's ear. Whatever it was, his face lit up, and he threw his arms around her, laughing.
When Laslow looked back to Princess Corrin, she had disappeared. He immediately got up from his seat to follow her.
There was only so much torture she could take, and Corrin had reached her limit. She felt nauseous, sick to her stomach, and her chest ached so badly that she thought that being set ablaze wouldn't feel much different.
No more, I can't take anymore.
She left through the castle gate, making her way listlessly toward the river. She felt numb and cold, the way she did when she came in contact with snow. Leo had teased her once, saying that as a dragon, she should have better cold resistance, but Corrin couldn't help it; she was a water dragon, not one that breathed fire. Snow was far too cold for her.
The feeling seeped into her skin and through her bones until she could hardly feel what she was doing. Though her feet walked forward, she sensed nothing, heard nothing. It was only once she reached the water that she realized she was tired. She sat down at the edge, staring at the ripples on the water's surface blankly.
I should have told her.
She closed her eyes, thinking back to all the chances she'd missed because of her own cowardice and thick skin. It had taken her much too long to realize her own feelings, far too long to accept them. She'd been giving herself excuses for almost a year now, and she knew she was paying the price for that hesitation.
If only I hadn't been so quick to dismiss it... if only I hadn't tried to convince myself that I didn't love her...!
"Even if you had told her, she would have rejected you," another part of her said cruelly. "She never loved you, she's always been Kaze's, since long before you even met."
No! Stop!
"She's loved him from the start. Nothing would have changed."
Even... even so... if I had told her, perhaps I could have accepted this...
But she knew it was a lie.
"Azura," she said, letting the name echo across the water. "Azura... Azura...! Azura!" she cried, her voice breaking as the tears began to flow. The name gave way to a raw, desperate wail, and she buried her face in her hands, tearing at her hair painfully, her screams lost in the silence of the night.
"Lady Corrin..."
She recognized the voice, but she was too distraught to pretend nothing was wrong. She felt reckless and overwhelmed.
"Go away," she said, and she was reminded of one other night when he had found her, alone and broken.
"I can't do that..." Laslow said, his eyes gentle. "No friend would leave you alone just now. You look like you're falling apart, princess..."
She wiped her cheek, desperate to maintain at least a little dignity, but she wasn't able to stop the heaving sobs that followed.
A pair of warm arms wrapped around her shoulders, and she felt him stroke her hair gently, kindly. Corrin suddenly felt like a small child, safe and warm in a parent's arms, and she pressed her face into his shirt, trying to muffle the sound of her cries. Her heart was being torn, her blood pounding in her ears, a desperate, instinctual need for comfort destroying her self-control.
Perhaps that was why she kissed him.
It wasn't planned. It wasn't something she meant to do. She wasn't even thinking of him as she did it. A frantic impulse came over her, her longing for Azura and Laslow's kindness setting her blood aflame. It was violent, angry. She forced her mouth onto him, her senses overcome with a primal hunger. She bit his lip, and didn't care that their teeth knocked together. She could taste the alcohol on his tongue. He made a noise of protest, but she ignored it, letting the dragon take control.
When she let go, a different desire was filling her from within. She clung to his shirt, both of them breathing heavily, his face confused.
"Lady Corrin, I..."
"Sleep with me," she said fiercely, cutting him off.
"I... what?!"
"Make me yours," she insisted. He stared at her, a strange, almost longing look in his eyes, but a moment later her grasped her wrists tightly and shook his head.
"No, you're not thinking straight, princess."
"I don't care."
"You do. That's why you're crying," he said quietly.
"I don't!"
"Princess..."
She kissed him again, taking him by surprise. His hold on her wrists loosened and she broke free, throwing her arms around his shoulders.
"Please!" she cried, all but begging him. "Just for tonight, just for a little while...!"
"Lady Corrin, don't do this," he said thickly, her expression pained.
"Please... Laslow, if you care about me at all, help me," she pleaded. "Help me forget."
He groaned and pulled her to him, pressing his cheek to her hair. "Don't do this to me, princess, don't ask me to hurt you."
"Please," she said again, and she felt his body tense beneath her arms. He made a strangled noise and embraced her tightly.
"Anything, I'll do anything," he said, his voice delirious with what Corrin recognized as drunkenness and desire, the kind strong enough to bring a dragon to its knees.
He tried to be gentle, but she quickly took control. She was rough with him, and she knew it, though her mind was working far too slowly to do anything about it. It had long since given in to pure instinct and lust.
She bit him, more than once, her fangs drawing blood from his shoulders and neck. She hardly registered his gasps of pain, hardly thought about him at all. She was imagining someone else, imagining soft white skin beneath her and silk-like hair in her hands. She was dreaming of kissing those slight shoulders, of pressing her mouth to those breasts, of hearing that soft voice calling her name loudly as she explored with her hands.
When she straddled him, she bit his shoulder savagely, crying out Azura's name, the sound muffled until it was unrecognizable. Her body seemed to move on its own, and she was sure there were times when it began to transform. She vaguely remembered claws and her tail coiling around her thigh at some point, though in truth, she couldn't be sure. The entire experience felt like a vivid fever dream. She was an animal, a dragon in heat, and she didn't care for anything except the pleasure and pain, both in her body and in her heart.
When she was sated, at last, she began to come back to her senses. The first thing she noticed was how tired he looked, his body under hers, pressed against a tree, his shoulders and neck torn by her teeth. The second was that though the dragon was gone, the pain was not. Her chest ached with the same intensity as before, and she realized that no matter what she did, no matter what she gave up, she was never going to forget. Azura was the only one she wanted, the only one she loved, and she would never get the chance to tell her.
She collapsed into his arms, crying her heart out into his shoulder, no longer bothering to hide the depth of her heartbreak.
He feels battered, exhausted. What they did can't be called love, and he knows that's not what she wanted anyway. He understands from the fierceness in her eyes, from the desperate way in which she clings onto him, that she's seeing someone else, that she's hoping for pain that might help her drown out what she feels on the inside.
He knows he'll regret this with all his heart come morning. He was weak, he couldn't stand seeing her cry like that, or hearing her beg him. He knows he's drunk, though he also knows that's no excuse for allowing this to happen. There will be hell to pay.
But as she begins to cry loudly, her face pressed into his collarbone, he forgets about what will inevitably happen. He wraps an arm around her shoulders and another under her hips, bringing her to his chest and letting her cling onto him like a child. He smooths her soft hair back gently, ignoring the pain from the bites she's left.
He knows that she thinks he doesn't understand, but he's not an idiot. Even if he hadn't heard her crying Azura's name by the river as he searched for her, he would have been able to tell what name she was calling when she was trying to disguise it in his shoulder. It's obvious now, what's been ailing her all along. It's a sickness he's all too familiar with, and perhaps that's the reason that he couldn't deny her as firmly as he should have.
Or perhaps that's just what I'm telling myself so that I won't feel as guilty about it. I wanted her, after all. I still do, even now.
He sighs, feeling disgusted with himself, with his shameful lack of control.
I almost hope Lord Xander kills me for this.
He looks down at the girl crying in his arms and kisses her forehead softly. She doesn't notice, and she probably never will, but he loves her, and he's willing to go to hell itself if it means he can comfort her in any way at all. Even if it means letting the world crash around his ears.
It's my fate, isn't it...? To suffer from unrequited love...The gods must really hate me.
Notes:
... WHY AM I LIKE THIS? OTL