Debby don't you leave me now. Not now. (Check the about me page if you must.)
This has been a long night.
You're lying on your bed, staring into the dark, going over everything you learnt this evening. Your thoughts are dragging you to such extremes, your emotions are so tangled up you can't think where to begin. Holly's still fast asleep right next to you, sleeping off the Oxy and every now and then you glance at her - every time she slightly shifts.
Now - where to begin? The feeling of hurt that she never told you? The fact that you actually loved this woman more than you thought you did? The hurt that you must have felt but can't remember? This slight feeling of betrayal? The stifling feeling that the four years that you don't remember held things more dear to you than you can ever imagine? This worry of whether Holly is alright or not? Your thoughts are pulling you apart - but for once you don't feel this biting rage building up in you. It doesn't seem your place to feel angry at things you never knew you lost.
Needless to say - it's all twisted.
Every time Holly does shift - you hold your breath to look at her, you can't make out much in the dark though. You can't begin to comprehend what she went through - and then writing it all off. You desperately want to know why she didn't tell you anything - but after so long - you trust Holly; if she didn't tell you - she must have her valid reasons. That doesn't make this any easier though.
"What's happening?", Holly stirs, slurring in her sleep - making it rather obvious the Oxy still hadn't exactly worn off.
"Hey there sleepyhead." you softly whisper - you can't manage anything more than that - still out of breath from the evening.
"What happened." Holly groans sleepily, dragging herself closer to you and inspite of her stupor - manages to hold on to you tight, resting her head on your shoulder, trying to snuggle as much as she can. As if by instinct you wrap your arm around her, holding her close.
"The officers called it - 'going to the pink elephant zone.'" and before you can elaborate, Holly groans yet again. Of course she knew what that meant.
"Was it that bad?" she asks, half asleep before she can get the answer.
"Yep. It was." you curtly reply, taking in a deep breath before you can ask another question.
"Hey Hol."
"Hmm."
"If we had a kid, what was I going to name it?"
"Charlie."
Charlie?
"Charlie?"
"Hmm. You kept rambling about how it didn't matter if it was a boy or a girl. You wanted to call them Charlie. And the way that name used to roll of your tongue." Holly continues, and you can make out she's looking right at you.
"So adorable." she finishes dejectedly, shifting closer to you.
"I wish we had our Charlie, Gail." she sighs before setting her head back on your shoulder, instantly falling asleep.
I wish we did too.
"So Gail, believe you've made any progress from our last session?" always brought up that question somewhere during her sessions, and till now you had been rather truthful about however you felt.
Right now, not so much.
"It feels like a step forward and ten back."
"Overwhelming?"
"Well, yes. I'm learning that I can't grow the 4 years I did in six months."
Silence. You know that the Doctor wouldn't let you off till you explained what that meant.
"Well - it's like using bits of feeble string to hold together these two obvious parts of you. And the constant worry that something is going to pull it all apart anyway."
"I understand that leaving the Force was hard Gail - "
"No, it's not that. Besides this way I get to catch bad guys without actual running so that's a relief." you hastily joke. You don't want to talk about what you learnt a few nights ago, it feels too personal, to close to the heart to discuss with anyone really.
"It's about feeling like I'm two people at the same time, and it's going to take more effort to actually make the leap four years into the future."
"You didn't feel like this till now?"
"No. It all felt like a dream - that I'd soon wake up and find myself in that dingy little apartment and back again in life. But it's been long enough - I've got to realize that the person I am isn't whom I'm supposed to be."
"No one's asking you to change."
"But I'm not going to get far like this either."
"Is this about Holly?"
"Maybe. I've got to realize that I love her. More than I actually do."
Dr. Taylor's thoroughly confused by now, well it takes a lot to confuse a psychiatrist.
"Umm how do you intend to do that?"
"Well it's our wedding anniversary tomorrow night. Figured I'd start by celebrating that."
Dr. Taylor's surprised at that and dissolves into congratulations - on a marriage that you don't remember.
Now what does my wife like?
How does anyone do this?
Was there supposed to be candlelight dinners or something? Wine and chocolates? How did you normally do this?
"Gail?"
Well this would have to do.
All you've done is set the wrapped up present on the table, looking anywhere but at her.
"What's this?" Holly asks, noticing the box on the table.
"Not really sure what you like exactly so I decided to go with the customary choices of anniversary presents." you explain hurriedly. Jeez you could have really thought this present out better than you did.
"You remembered." Holly smiles, rather amused at your fluster.
"Technically - I knew." you correct her, you don't know why but you've been doing that a lot. She just shakes her head shyly.
You're still sitting at the table, not sure of what to do. This was a bad idea indeed.
"Thank you." Holly smiles, barely able to contain her glee. She looks so cute as she blushes at that. The sight of her makes you wish you truly remembered this day - and not videos of it.
"What was this day like?" you ask, for the first time not caring for how vulnerable you come across, holding out your hand to her - waiting for her to take it.
She does take it - as you pull her towards you, making her sit on your lap. She wraps her hands around the back of your neck, smiling her lopsided little grin, licking her lips as she does.
"Long. Tiring. But so worth it."
"I'm sure I looked gorgeous."
She laughs at that, something you loved doing - hearing her laugh like that.
"Well you were drop-dead gorgeous. And very annoyed at me."
"Really?"
"Yeah, I wanted to do the whole - don't see the bride before the wedding thing. You did not approve."
"Oh yeah?"
"Hmm Mmm. You suggested we could elope. Just run away from your mother and mine and Chloe who had ganged up to plan the wedding."
"That sounds like an excellent plan." you laugh yourself - that did sound like you.
"Yeah, in retrospect - it doesn't seem to matter much. The wedding and all that. You know what we did that night?"
"Well knowing me - I'm sure I got some." you joke as she rolls her eyes at that.
"We watched Star Wars." she replies with a little smirk on her face.
"That sounds - dorky." you state, feeling better already. You didn't turn into a big romantic goof with Holly. Holly was just as big a dork as you were - and that's probably why you fell in love with her.
"It's been a tradition here." Holly pouts and you smirk yourself as she leans into you for a soft kiss.
You don't know why but as she kisses you, you run your hand along her stomach - and you can feel her catch her breath for just a second before she breaks the kiss. You're so close to confessing that you know right now.
"Why don't I set up the T.V. so that we can continue our tradition." she asks as she hurriedly gets up from your lap. You really want to hold on to her much longer - but you can't really find in yourself to do that.
"Hey Hol." you begin - on the verge of owning up, telling her everything - but looking at those deep brown eyes looking back at you inquiringly, you can't go on with it.
"Don't forget your present."