I do not own Harry Potter. Slight HBP spoiler. I am not making fun of you, your character, or your fanfic.

"Serena!" Harry gasped, "There's no way you could've gotten here before us!"

"I'm an all-powerful Mary-Sue, Harry," Serena sneered, "I can do whatever I want! I can take over your series, I can defeat Lord Voldemort, I can become the most popular Sue on the planet! And there's nothing you can do to stop me."

"Sectumsempra!" Harry cried, completely ignoring the fact that he did not learn that spell until The Half-Blood Prince.

Serena knocked with spell away with a bat of her hand, relying on her wandless magic. "Did you really think that would work?" she asked, then frowned. She scrutinized her perfectly manicured hand in shock. "I broke a nail!" she cried, "Oh, you are going to pay for that!" She raised her wand to cast a spell. "Cru-"

"Sorry I'm late!" Wormtail suddenly ran into the graveyard, "Traffic was terrible. I got held up by a flock of geese and—er…who are you?"

Serena scowled. "I'm Serena, and I'm kind of busy." She turned back to Harry. "Cru-"

"Because…er…I'm supposed to get some blood from Harry so the Dark Lord can rise again." Wormtail squirmed underneath Serena's angry glare.

"The Dark Lord will have to wait," Serena said, "I have to make Harry pay for breaking my fingernail. Cru-"

"What's taking so long?" Lord Voldemort asked, completely ignoring the fact that he wasn't supposed to be resurrected until much later.

Serena pursed her lips in frustration. "Can't I have one minute without some random person barging in?"

Immediately after, a random person barged in to answer her rhetorical question. "no" said Biff the cellphone wizard, "u cant hav 1 min w/o sum rndm ppl brgin in"

Serena threw up her hands in exasperation. "Why the hell can't I just kill Harry," she ranted, "without everyone thinking they have to interrupt me? I mean, I take the time to create a perfectly good evil plot, but no, complete strangers have to barge in and ruin it!"

While she was ranting, Harry, Cedric, Wormtail and Voldemort slowly snuck away. "Okay, Serena's gone crazy," Cedric said, "One of us needs to fight her."

"Lord Voldemort's a powerful Dark wizard, right?" Harry suggested, "Why doesn't he fight Serena?"



"No!" Voldemort cried, "Serena's scary!"

"He has a point," Cedric said, "After all, you beat him up when you were baby. He probably wouldn't stand a chance against Serena."

"Hey!" Voldemort protested.

"I have an idea," Harry said, "Why don't we all sneak up behind her and attack at once? There's no way she can fight all four of us at once, right?"

"…and to top it all off, nobody is paying attention to my angsty, evil rant!" Serena finished her angsty, evil rant.

"Hey, Sue!"

Serena whirled around to face the speaker.

"Avada Kedavra!" Voldemort shouted.

"Avada Kedavra!" Cedric shouted.

"Avada Kedavra!" Wormtail shouted.

"Avada Kedavra!" Harry shouted.

"avda kdvra!" Biff texted.

Time seemed to slow down as the Killing Curses all hit Serena right in the chest, her face frozen in a state of shock—and then she laughed as the green light ricocheted off her. One of the rebounding beams of lights hit Cedric. He crumpled onto the ground, dead. "I'm immune to Killing Curses," Serena told them, "It comes from my elfin lineage."

"She's related to elves?" Voldemort asked.

"She's related to elves, veelas, catpeople, mermaids, werewolves, vampires, goblins, grindylows, dementors…" Harry told him.

Then Serena began to laugh. Hear laugh was like that of a meadowlark, but a particularly evil breed of meadowlark who had just triumphed over her enemies. "And now," she said to them, "I will destroy you all, and there's nothing you can do about it." She raised her wand to kill them.

"Hurt them, and you're dead meat," a mysterious voice called out from the shadows.

TO BE CONTINUED…

…NOW

"Oh, really?" Serena asked the author, who had just called out to her from the shadows, "And what are you going to do about it?"

"I think I'll just have Iggy throw a monkey at you," the author said.

Serena frowned, puzzled. "You'll what?" Then Iggy threw a monkey at her. "Eeek!" she screamed, "Get it off of me!" The monkey jumped off of her face and ran over to the author.

"Oh, you think you're funny, don't you?" Serena yelled, "Well, what will you do if I get the third-person omniscient narrative to do this?"

Suddenly the author began to walk away. "Narrative," she said, "if you don't stop that right now, you're fired!" The author stopped walking.

"You're bluffing," Serena accused, "You don't have anybody to replace the narrative. I made sure of that."

"Oh, yes, I do," the author disagreed, "he's right here." She pointed at the monkey.

"What?" Serena screamed, "You were locked in a closet! There were no narrators around! How could you find one?"

"Cellphones are a wonderful thing, aren't they?" the author taunted.

"hooray!!" Biff shouted.

"You see," the author continued, "I called in a friend. Meet Inky, the typewriting monkey-"

"Ook!" Inky grunted in introduction.

"-and this story's new narrator!" With that, Inky began to type.

"What hast thou wrought upon thy twisted tale/That thou shouldst allow a simian to lead!" Serena didst caterwaul in angst.

"Methinks the lady dost protest too much/Forsooth! Dost I detect a tremor in thy timbre?" thine author didst mock.

"Canst thou cut thy chatter," Brother Igbert didst cry, bemoaning the tempestuous temper of his own kin, "And kindly slay the Sue/Afore her wicked ways canst cause more woe?"

"Quite right thou beith, Igbert-"



At this he didst yell, "Alack! My name beith not Igbert, thou foul primate!"

Yet thy author didst continue "-The beast I must beheadeth/With haste, before the Sue may strike!"

"If thou dost believe thou canst defeat mine/Than thou shalt have a proper duel!" Serena didst shout triumphant, "For I dost know thyself as I mine/And thus I know how thou shalt be defeated!" She didst face my face, as I didst type upon my typing desk. "Thou may be strong, but thy narrator is weak/A banana, beith chocolate-coated, willst satisfy this glutton." I didst catch sight of her scrumptious sweet, although I didst not cease to do my duty, for I didst, for I didst, I didst-

"What happened?"

"Inky abandoned his post to go after the banana."

"Why can we only hear the dialogue?"

"Since I fired the narrative, and Inky quit, there's no one narrating the story. The readers can only hear us speaking."

"Oh. This chapter must be really hard for the readers to read."

"Definitely."

"How are we going to defeat Serena if we can't actually do anything?"

"…I think we need another monkey, Iggy."

"This stinks. Where will we get another monkey? The only people here are you and me!"

"Iggy, that's it! I'll be the monkey!"

"…What?"

"If I start typing on Inky's abandoned typewriter, I'll become the narrator!"

"You can't narrate! Remember when you tried back in Chapter 2? That was a disaster."

"I have to, Iggy, or the world is doomed forever."

"I hate it when you get melodramatic."

A/N-Sorry if this chapter was hard to read. If you were confused about what happened, here is a summary of what happened while Inky the monkey was in charge of narration: Serena and the author exchanged witty remarks, Iggy protested being called 'Igbert', and Serena lured Inky away from the typewriter with a chocolate-covered banana.