Glad to see you all enjoyed the Paris details, I loved every minute I spent in that city and I will carry those memories with me for all my life. Anyway, back to storyline and everyday life…enjoy.
After a week of trying to get over jet lag both Alex and Olivia had fallen back into their regular schedule of Haddie and work and home. Haddie had been starting to work with the director of the play to help her out with her vocals in preparation for when practices actually started. On this day in particular Olivia took the second half of the day off to take Haddie to her doctor's appointment. Haddie saw her therapist while they were away, but this was the first one she had been to since they had been back and Olivia was eager to hear how things were going. Alex had to be in court so when Olivia left the station house she went straight to the school to sign Haddie out of class. The drive to the office was quiet, it always was, almost like Haddie was going through a list of things she was about to talk about. When her name was called Haddie walked into the office and closed the door behind her leaving Olivia alone in the waiting room. She worked on paper work for about half an hour when the receptionist told her she could go in to talk to the doctor.
When she walked in the room Haddie looked like a kid who just got busted doing something she shouldn't have been doing. Olivia sat next to her daughter and Haddie immediately moved closer to her and buried her head in Olivia's shoulder.
"Haddie would you like to tell your mom what we just talked about?" The teenager shook her head and if it was possible buried her head further into her mother's shoulder; she was trying to hide from something.
"Would it be ok if I told her?" Haddie nodded.
"Olivia I had wanted to talk to you and Alex anyway when you got home from your trip, but Haddie seemed to be moving forward, but we seem to have hit a bump in the road. Haddie had been doing very well while the two of you were gone and had managed to not give into the urge to hurt herself the entire time you were in Europe." Dr. Hart smiled.
"Why do I feel a 'but' coming."
Dr. Hart sighed, "But since you and your wife have come home she has started again." Olivia winced and put her arm around her daughter who was quietly crying. "Can I ask what brought it on? Lexi and I thought she was managing things ok, she never said anything to us, did us coming home trigger something?"
"I don't think that's what it is at all Olivia. From what Haddie says, she stayed with your partner and his family correct?"
"Yes."
"From what Haddie says, she didn't hurt herself while she was with them because she didn't want to disrespect them or make trouble for them while she was a guest in their home. So whenever she wanted to cut, she reminded herself that she couldn't. When you came home she tried doing the same for you and your wife, but the urge was too strong for her to fight off."
"So what do we do now?"
"I'd like to suggest sending Haddie to a group therapy session; sometimes teenagers find it easier to open up to a group of their peers who understand where they are coming from."
Olivia turned to Haddie, "is that something you would like to try?" Haddie nodded and grabbed on tighter to her mother basically burying her face into her tshirt.
"Ok, I'll tell Alex, but I think that is something we want to try for her."
"One more thing, I think with what Haddie has been telling me it is not a stretch to say that we may be dealing with an addiction to cutting."
"Addiction?" Olivia wasn't sure why she was surprised but she was.
"It is very common these days, cutting is as addictive as drugs and alcohol and just as dangerous, a person's body can become addicted to the endorphins that get released when they get cut and then eventually their body needs the endorphins and cutting is the only way to get that fix."
"What can we do to help her?"
"Well, I'd like to stay away from any heavy hitting medication because of her age, but I would like to suggest a mild anxiety medication just to help calm some of the more frantic moments and beyond that the new group therapy should help. For now until we can get Haddie back on track with stopping the cutting I'd like to increase our meetings to three days a week. We discussed some healthier coping mechanisms she could practice. In the end it is up to you and your wife as to what actually happens."
"Thank you, Alex and I will talk about it when she gets home tonight and I will call you in the morning." Olivia thanked the doctor and walked out of the office with Haddie walking in front of her. The car ride home was silent and when they got to the apartment Haddie went and sat on the couch and did her homework in silence. Olivia wasn't sure if she was sad, or embarrassed or mad, but she figured they would deal with it when Alex got home. Just as she was finishing up dinner Alex walked through the door.
"Hey beautiful ladies, I'm home."
"Hey baby, I'm in the kitchen." Alex turned the corner and Olivia was just talking the food out of the oven. Alex gave her wife and quick kiss before grabbing the plates to set the table.
"How was your day?"
"It was good, nothing real exciting and I took off early to take Haddie to the doctor."
"How'd that go?"
"She had a lot to talk about. Apparently she was fine when she was with Kathy and Elliot, but eventually not cutting became too much and she relapsed. Rachel suggested group therapy to help her out further and maybe some anti-anxiety medication at a very low dosage to help her out."
Alex looked lost for words, "how did she take that?"
"Hasn't said two words since I picked her up from school. I think she is embarrassed and upset."
"I'll go tell her dinner is ready and maybe we can talk to her after." Olivia smiled as Alex walked down the hall to her daughter's room. When Alex got closer to the room she heard a familiar sound; living with two women that know how to play the guitar means that she hears a guitar being played almost every day. The do was opened slightly so Alex opened it a little more and stood in the doorway and listened while her daughter played the instrument and sang.
All I waited for Time won't ever steal my soul Morning comes and life moves on Time won't ever steal my soul I won't let them break you down When the world is insane Time won't ever steal my soul
Was A chance to make you understand
Tell you these forgotten truths you never thought were real
And if the world should turn it's back
You know that I'm still here
And we're not broken
So please come home
But when it changed
You didn't know where you belonged
I'll still catch you when you fall from a past that steals your sleep
And scrawl these words upon your wall
Remind you to believe
And we're not broken
So please come home
And if the world has worn you down
And I'll be waiting
So please come home
And I won't hear the empty sounds
I'm hopelessly pretending that I know the answer
Angels light the neon fires that burn so cold through your desires
And all you are is all I need to know
You get used to the pain
And you don't even know what you feel
And I get like you
I'm alone and confused
But you know it's not forever
And we're not broken
So please come home
And if the world has worn you down
I'll be waiting
So please come home
Haddie played a few more chords before the music in the room died down. Alex moved inside the bedroom, "that was beautiful; soon you'll be able to play better than Liv."
"I doubt that. How was your day?"
"The usual, criminals, defense attorneys, lots of yelling, but I'm more interested about hearing about your day." Alex tucked a stray hair behind Haddie ear and smiled hoping that Haddie would volunteer the information.
"Mom told you didn't she?"
"Did you really expect her not too?"
"No, I just, nothing, it doesn't matter."
"What doesn't matter?" Haddie put the guitar down and pulled her knees to her chest. Alex saw what she was trying to do and jumped in, "hey, don't do that, don't hide from me." Haddie picked up her head but kept her arms wrapped around her legs. "I'm not scary and I'm not going to hurt you so there is no need to hide from me, just tell me what is bothering you, or better yet tell me what you're trying so hard to hide from."
"I'm sorry."
"What are you sorry about?"
"I'm sorry I screwed up, I really did try to stop, but I just couldn't do it anymore, it hurt too much." Alex brushed away a few tears from Haddie's eyes, "I know you tried, we aren't mad at you sweetie, we're just not sure how to help you. Your therapist seems to have some good ideas though, do you think we could try them and see if they help you."
"What if I mess up again?"
"Then we try something new. Honey you have a problem and this one is a little bit harder than some to deal with, but the only way you can move past it is if you work at it. You can't give up just because you might fall down a few times; Liv and I aren't going to give up and neither should you. If you mess up then you try again until you get it right."
"I don't want to disappoint you, I'm trying it's just so hard."
"The only thing you could ever do to disappoint us is if you gave up and didn't keep trying. Success isn't measured by how many times you get knocked down, it's how many times you get up."
"You and mom sound like fortune cookies when you give pep talks." Haddie cracked a smile.
"They are the wisest of all cookies so I will take that as a compliment. Come on, dinner is ready, we can talk after dinner ok?" Haddie got off her bed and followed Alex out of the room. The three talk about little things at the dinner table; Haddie talked about an art project she had, Alex talked about going and spending time with their family during the summer and Olivia just jumped in where she could. With the dishes done and put away Haddie spread out on the couch and eventually Olivia and Alex both joined her in the living room. No one said anything for a while and finally Haddie broke the silence.
"Is one of you going to say something?"
"We thought maybe you could guide this conversation."
"I don't want to talk about it." Olivia got up from the chair and disappeared in the bedroom and came back with her NYPD shirt and handed it to Haddie who held it close to her like she had in the doctor's office.
"How about now, can we talk about it now?"
"I want to stop, I do, but it's like I can't. Like no matter how good things are that something bad always takes over my thoughts and I just can't fight it."
"Do you think that the doctor's ideas are worth a try?" Haddie nodded. "Do you think that maybe you could come to me or Olivia or another adult when you feel like you want to cut? That way maybe we could work through what you're feeling instead of you taking it to that next level."
"Ok, I'll try. Can I go finish my project now?"
"Sure honey." Haddie left the room and Alex took her spot on the couch. "God I hope this works because I honestly don't know what else we could do aside from having her hospitalized and I really don't want to put her through that."
"I don't think that anyone wants that Lexi, but we have to get her to a place where she can just be happy and healthy. Let's see how these new things play out and then we can visit this again, till then we just have to keep on her to talk to us and share her feelings. I'm going to go shower, I'll be out in 20." Olivia left the room and Alex followed her out. Eventually they ended up sitting on their bed reading their individual books when Alex looked up form her's and turned to Olivia.
"Have you ever thought about us having a baby?" Liv closed her book and turned to her wife.
"Where is this coming from?"
"Just a question, have you."
"Of course I have Alex and eventually I want to have a baby with you, but I think we should table that until Haddie gets to a more stable place, I don't want her thinking that we are trying to replace her with a baby. She deserves and needs our full attention."
"No, of course she does and I wouldn't trade her for anything in this world, I was just thinking about it and I wanted to throw it out there. Like maybe in a year if Haddie is in a better place and can handle us adding to the family we maybe try for a baby. It's a terrible idea, never mind, forget I asked." Alex was about to pick up her book again when Liv stopped her. "I think it's a great idea, let's see where she is in her recovery next year and then we can revisit this ok?"
"Ok." Both of them went back to reading and neither one of them knew that outside their door Haddie had heard their conversation. The teen returned to her room feeling insanely guilty and slightly determined; if her having a baby brother or sister was contingent on her being healthy she was going to give sobriety a chance, besides deep down she always wanted a younger sibling.
Most of what was in the chapter was stuff I learned while I was still cutting and going to therapy only my parents had no clue what to do and we didn't talk about it. It really is addictive and I lived that, but now I get to live the happier side of that and say that I have been sober for almost four years. Quick show of hands: when it comes to baby and being pregnant do you guys want to see Alex or Liv pregnant? I know that Liv is older, but I could still totally make it work, up to you guys. Tell me what you want to see and review, thanks.