Title: Shattered Innocence

Author: DnKS-giRLs

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: Kanda-Allen

Disclaimers: claiming the ownership of D.Gray-Man will only cause us something unpleasant with people in law suit therefore we announce now for good that it's not ours, dammit, so leave us alone!

Warning: it's rambling and stupid and you can see this is meaningless… we made our own version of Kanda's childhood to support this story and in this story Japan is just your normal, somewhat-peaceful country and not a centre of Akuma like what it is in the manga, so please, if that by any mean upsets you, do simply not read.

Chapter 10 - Looking Back

The ship rocked back and forth as it sailed through the rather calm ocean. Kanda stood alone on the deck, staring at the rippling waves of the water below him, thinking of a certain thing regarding a certain someone. He was content at being alone but some sounds of footsteps coming to his direction let him know that there was someone else beside him.

Turning his head, he had already possessed a frown when he stared directly at the newcomer's smiling face.

"Mourning over something?" the smiling person said and Kanda snorted.

"Back off," he simply said which made the other chuckled.

"Aw, Yuu, you're no fun when you're depressed," Kanda saw how his friend laughing in iniquitous happiness. He really had no intention to talk with anyone at that time being and Rabi was no exception even though he could say the other as one of his closest friends.

"Leave it," he said, somehow pleased when he could see the outline of the coast on the far horizon. He knew that they were nearing Yokohama harbour by then so he narrowed his eyes and continued, "We'll arrive soon, and you better prepare yourself."

"Oh well, whatever you say then. I assume you just want to be alone when you're daydreaming of your beautiful boyfriend far away from here," Rabi snickered before he ran away as fast as he could. Kanda's face twitched but there was no other change in him. The crack that suddenly appeared on the door to where Rabi walked was not his doing, of course. It was his sword that had done that, regarding not the fact that indeed at that time his hand was the one holding the said weapon.

Kanda blamed his good mood as his reason of not chasing after Rabi. Yes, he was indeed in a very good mood recently because somehow they had managed to finish the mission far sooner than what he had previously expected. Their mission was involving them having to meet a certain general and pass him a message from the headquarters. It was pure luck that they somehow succeeded in finding the general in no time thus they were able to finish their mission in a real quick time.

Snorting, Kanda made his way to his own cabin, preparing himself to be off the ship. It had been three weeks since they left England and he could not help but wonder if Allen was fine. He was still not utterly sure of his idea leaving Allen alone in the headquarters. Well, not entirely alone for there were still other people on his side, but he had still his worries in his heart. He knew how unsecured Allen felt though the other never really told him about it. During the brief news he exchanged with the headquarters once in a while, Kanda could catch some hints of Allen's depression though the other always said he was fine.

He sighed. Maybe it too was his fault that he could not make contact often with the headquarters after their communication golem had somehow been crushed and the branch of the headquarters there refused to give them any as a substitute though he didn't know why. And so they relied on telegrams to change news, a rather arduous mean of communicating in his opinion.

With a shake of his head to clear it, Kanda set his feet off the ship. Rabi was following suit beside him.

"So, we just need to give that message to the branch of headquarters here, right?" Rabi asked. "Such a simple thing. I still can't understand why they said it was a discreet mission. I daresay we'll be back soon."

"I suppose," Kanda said. In his hands, he had the reply from the general they were assigned to find. They just needed to go to the branch of the headquarters in that town and give it to whomever person supervising there. It seemed easy enough and Kanda was sure that they would have been home by the next few days.

But apparently, that was not what they met when they reached the headquarters. Rather than a permission to leave after finishing the mission, Kanda found that they both had another mission waiting for them. The order came directly from the Commander-in-Chiefs of the main headquarters in England and it was said that the mission was specially arranged for them and them alone after they had finished the preceding mission given to them.

With a frown Kanda took the description of the mission and with Rabi he exited the building. Just when they were out somewhere from that building did Kanda voice out his thought.

"Why did we have another mission?" he asked, much to himself.

"I don't know," Rabi said. "The thing that confuses me the most is why The Commanders specially assigned this mission to us after we finished our previous mission."

"It seems they deliberately wait for us finishing our mission just to assign us another mission," Kanda said with his mind busy calculating in his head. He stared at Rabi who seemed to have the very same thought with him.

"You know, Yuu, this sounds like a conspiracy," Rabi said.

Kanda grunted, "And the reason being?"

Rabi looked at him for some moment before saying, "Allen."

Kanda cursed loudly in his native tongue which made several people turn their head to his direction in shock. Rabi made no attempt to prevent his friend for he too felt like cursing at the now noticeable fact. It seemed that those higher-ups were trying to give their punishment to Kanda. For what, Kanda thought cynically, for marrying one of their exorcists and loving him?

"Let's just finish this off quickly," Kanda said. "And if after this finished those people still give us another mission, I swear there will be bloodshed."

"Not mine I hope," Rabi said.

With a darkened mood, the two of them decided to study their mission more closely. Kanda was evidently raging when he found out that their mission was nothing but a stupid task of delivering some documents from the headquarters to its remote department which was located in some kind of inaccessible area somewhere in Japan. Seeing how angry his friend was, Rabi secured the papers which held the description of their mission before Kanda could rip them to thousands pieces.

"This…" Kanda hissed. "Is ridiculous!"

"I know, but don't rip the papers," Rabi warned.

"I'd better rip those Commanders off their head," Kanda seethed.

"After the mission is done," Rabi said with a pressure on the word 'after'. "I know you're upset. Hell, I'm upset too, but we're exorcists and we have the obligation to accomplish our missions, even though it's just the simplest form of idiocy which came from nothing but a bunch of imperceptive supercilious things that called themselves Commanders."

Kanda frowned at Rabi, "Imperceptive supercilious things?"

"It sounds cooler than just call them stupid people," Rabi grinned. "I bet if I say those words in front of them, none of them will notice that it's supposed to be a cuss."

Kanda only rolled his eyes but Rabi's words more or less could lift some of his dark mood. He knew that the other said right. They were exorcists who had pledged themselves to accomplish any mission given to them. And by doing this, Kanda thought, he had a chance to stay longer in his nearly-forgotten homeland which allowed him to do something he left unfinished the last time he set his feet off that country.

Considering the matter in his mind, Kanda finally decided.

"Rabi," he called the other, "I wonder if you can maybe leave me alone for a while? I need to do something personal."

Rabi stared at him for some time and then with an understanding smile he asked, "Something about your family?"

"I even haven't said anything to them about my marrying Allen," Kanda said. "It leaves me somehow disturbed."

"Ah… I see…" Rabi breathed. "Take your time, then. I can do this mission by my own. You don't need to worry."

"I'm not intending for you to do the mission alone," Kanda retorted. "You can wait for me. After I finish my business, I'll help you in the mission."

"And waste so much time? No way!" Rabi made a face. "I better go and do the mission as soon as possible and then come back to my warm bed hoping those Commanders have their life full of sorrows and troubles."

"You better hope that they have no life at all," Kanda said which made the other laugh. It was relieving to have someone like Rabi as his friend and Kanda Yuu realized it. He watched in gratification as the other walking away from him, leaving him alone to do his particular business.

Kanda took a deep breath before he forced his feet to move forward to the train station. He bought a ticket that would deliver him to the city in which he was born nineteen years prior. It was two days after he and Rabi took separate ways that he found himself standing on the station of his hometown.

He strode through the street he knew so well by his heart. How could he not if the major part of his childhood time he spent by wandering and playing on that street? Though he too forgot not the certain incident happened on that street that changed his life forever.

He could still evoke the smell of blood and smoke that came to his nose that day. He could still recall the sounds of people screaming and the sight of them dying before his eyes. The sight refused to leave him, even after so many years had passed, he still could not erase it from his mind.

People who passed on the street gave him a knowing look laced with a little fear. Kanda knew that those people too had not forgotten that certain incident. The cross he carried on his chest proudly revealed his identity to them as an exorcist. When he was just a little boy, Kanda remembered, no one dared to wear such thing like cross if they did not want to be killed. Christianity was prohibited in Japan by that time but now he could walk freely in his uniform through the busiest street in that country. All thanks to that certain incident he could never forget. The incident that had made him be what he was now.

His feet brought him to a stop on the gate of a shrine. He entered the shrine just to meet up with a rather large grey wall with so many names inscribed on it. His fingers traced the hard contour of the stone until he stopped at two definite names.

With a bitter smile he whispered, "I'm home, father, mother, it's really been a long time."

The stone was a memorial for people who died that day when a great group of Akuma lead by the Noah's family raging in that part of town, massacring the people as they came in search for the innocence Kanda now held tightly in his hands. He remembered how his mother screamed for him to run even after one of them thrust a sword trough her slim form. He saw his father's head decapitated before his eyes. He saw them killing every people they met up with and he could do nothing but run.

That time, Kanda knew nothing about them. That was his first meeting with the Akuma, a frightful and dreadful meeting that he could never forget for the rest of his life. He remembered how they keep on hissing about innocence when they rummaging his house. He remembered seeing them coming into his father's room and without knowing from where he had his sudden strength, he found himself running past through them into the room. He remembered seeing his father's sword that he quickly grabbed that time without sparing any thought of what exactly he was doing.

That sword was the exact same sword that he held when he knelt before the stone wall, facing the name of his father and mother before him. He put that sword in front of him and a sad expression passed through his face.

"I always take care of your sword well, father," Kanda said using his mother tongue. He had been so long using English that he almost forgot the feeling of his own mother language escaping his lips. It somehow felt nostalgic. "This sword has always been helping me in doing my job as an exorcist, though I still feel guilty of not succeeding in saving your lives that time."

That time, Kanda thought, was the time that changed his live forever. Because that time, for the very fist time in his live, did he activate his innocence. Who could guess that the sword his father held in possession was actually an innocence that those Akuma were searching for?

Kanda still kept in mind what it felt like the first time he used that sword to kill his first Akuma. He remembered how he fought like crazy, caring not the wounds apparent on his body. He remembered how suddenly his vision blurred and the ground never before looked so inviting in his life. The last thing he saw before he passed out was a white cross standing evidently on the black background and the first thing he saw after he opened his eyes again was the face of General Theodore smiling at him.

From that day on, Kanda pledged his live to be an exorcist and destroy the Akuma. He moved to England and only occasionally did he visit his homeland like what he did now.

"I do my job well as an exorcist ever since that day," Kanda explained to the grey wall before him as if he was talking face by face with his parents. "Even though I could not save you, I still can save many lives. And forgive me, father, and mother, for being such an ungrateful child that I failed to remember to tell you certain news."

Kanda exhaled deeply, "I am now married with someone named Allen Walker. He's such a delightful boy and I'm sure you'll like him if you have a chance to meet him. We're expecting our first child now."

At the mention of their child, Kanda allowed a small smile to appear on his lips, "We are going to name her Maya after her departed aunt. Are you not happy with that, father? Mother?"

A soft wind blew and caressed his face. Kanda was not someone who believed in ghost but deeply in his heart he felt it was the tender gesture his parents gave to support him. And he could not deny that indeed he felt better after that.

"I will see if I can bring him here with me the next time I visit you again," Kanda said. "I'm sorry that I so rarely visit you, I have failed in being a considerate child. For that, I am terribly sorry."

The sky had become somehow darker than before. Dusk was approaching and in seeing that, Kanda took his sword and stood up.

"I have to go now," he said. "Father, mother, I'm leaving."

Kanda bowed for the last time and he was almost sure he heard the sound of his father and mother saying 'be careful' faintly in the wind. He straightened up and left the place without even once turning back again.

He always felt somewhat sad every time he visited the place since it always reminded him of his futile attempt to save his parents. But maybe, Kanda thought, it all happened for a purpose. If that day never happened in his life, he could not think what he could have become. For sure, he wouldn't have been an exorcist, he wouldn't have encountered people whom now he called as his companion, he wouldn't have met Allen not to mention been married to the said person.

Maybe, Kanda thought, it all happened for a purpose. That cruel thing called destiny had its own way and he had no power to change it.

Thinking over the matter no more, he then decided to wait for Rabi in that town. The other knew where his hometown was and he had no doubt that he would search for him there. In patience he waited for Rabi but the one he waited for came to him in rage nearly two weeks after he visited his parents' grave. Kanda needed only one glance to the other's face to prove that his trepidation had come true.

"They assigned us another mission," Kanda merely stated, not asked.

"Don't kill me, okay?" Rabi said with disdain. "I really hate this."

"What mission is it now? If it's another document delivery thing, I swear I would just rip those papers with or without your approval," Kanda said darkly.

"Too bad it's not," Rabi said, throwing the description of the mission to Kanda. "This time they sent us to another 'discreet' mission of transporting an innocence from somewhere out there to the headquarters with no article as a communication device. Just great!"

Kanda thought for a while before saying, "I was used to be content leaving for months doing mission but… I have somebody waiting for me now."

"I know, I'm the same like you, the part of going away for months I mean, not the I-have-somebody part" Rabi said. "But this is evidently a conspiracy and God knows how I hate it."

Kanda did not say a thing. His mouth had become a mere thin line on his face and people could see how angry he was though he kept silent.

"It has been over a month since we left the headquarters, right?" Kanda asked.

Rabi nodded.

"I promised Allen that I would be back in a month," Kanda said in desperation. "Since I never thought that they would assign us any other mission."

At that new information Kanda just gave, Rabi had his eyes widened.

"Oh God," he said. "Allen will be furious."

"No he won't," Kanda said. He took his sword before his eyes and examined it with utmost hatred apparent in his eyes.

"He will be depressed. I am the one who will be furious."

He let no word pass through his lips after that, but behind his silence, he reserved so much turmoil in his heart. He kept having his worries and for once he thought of abandoning his pledge as an exorcist and just going back home without completing his mission.

- end chapter 10 -

(A/N: told you it's rambling (laugh) and damn, it's so AU, isn't it? But dunno why we love making up Kanda's past… you know, it's an unwritten rule of a story that a pretty boy should have a bloody and sorrowful past (laugh). So, you can tell us how you think of this chapter by giving us reviews and yes, we do admit that we still leave that cliff hanging from the last chapter but we cannot help it… that cliff looks so cute hanging like that (if you don't understand what the hell is the meaning of this, don't worry, even us don't know…). Sa, then… it's a sin to slow you down from writing your reviews by making you reading this crap that we sweetly call authors' note. So, please, be our guest and leave your review (smile) and we hope to see you next chapter when we finally release that cliff from its hanger…)