Leliana

What am I doing? I wondered, hands trembling as they folded clothes and placed them in my well-worn traveling satchel. I paused, my breath shuddering out as I felt the impossible weight of what I had agreed to do crash onto my shoulders.

I have to leave my home. I have to leave the one I love behind. I have never had so much to lose…and yet I cannot do as Salem asks. I cannot rebel. I cannot flee. I can do nothing but go forward.

I buried my face in the roughspun linen of the shirt and sobbed. Salem's warm, strong arms wrapped around me, but she said nothing.

I love you, her words rang in my ears, enough to blame myself and in so doing forgive you.

My tears eased and Salem withdrew, taking the shirt from my hands and folding it, substituting her strength for mine as she always had. When it was done, she took my shoulders in her hands, massaging the knots from them, speaking with her hands, imparting comfort and love and reassurance when she could not trust herself to speak.

"I have everything." I whispered, dreading the truth of it, wishing that I could prolong these moments…anything…anything to slow time.

"Not yet." Salem wrapped her arms around me and kissed my hair. "Come with me."

Her hand slid down my arm and her fingers brushed over the hidden wrist sheath before twining with my own. I followed her from our room, to the main hall, and up another flight of stairs. My heart caught in my throat as we ascended.

This…this is…this is where Howe committed his most grievous sins. This is where he slaughtered Salem's nephew and sister-in-law. Fergus has declared this part of the house permanently closed, and Salem has not dared set foot here. Why now?

Salem's hand gripped mine tighter, asking me for strength that I did not have to give her. I watched as she opened the door that led to the Cousland family's private chambers. There were still dark stains on the stone floors, spatter markings on the wall, the faint scent of blood. It was a place never meant to see the sun; a place that would have been destroyed if ever it was possible.

Salem stood motionless for a moment, breathing heavily. "Wait here." she whispered, letting go of my hand, understanding that I could scarcely hold myself together.

Helpless, I watched my love walk deep into her nightmares, wanting to be at her side, but so close to shattering that I could do nothing to help her. I watched as the ghosts of Salem's pain stepped from the stone, the wraiths of the first human blood her swords had drawn.

She was born to hold a sword…she was born to protect…and it was this moment, this place, this point in history that began to forge her. Through what she perceived as failure. I am standing in the birthplace of that mantle of guilt that has never left her shoulders.

Salem emerged from the doorway of the room she had entered, white-faced and wild-eyed, her bloodless lips quivering. I knew this reaction; had felt it in my own body when I entered Howe's dungeons in Denerim. But she walked to me, holding something in her hand.

She ushered me out of the door, slamming it behind us and bolting it before leaning her head against it and shuddering. She tucked whatever she had retrieved behind her, concealing it from my view. I reached out and pulled her from the door, brushing the cold sheen of sweat from her brow.

Heavens, hells, and angels…the tears in her eyes broke my heart. She is bleeding…and from no wound that can be mended with human hands. This is…why will you not speak!?...this is going to kill her. I am…I am going to kill her.

"Salem…"

"I'm fine." she interrupted with that frustrating lie. "That was…difficult is all."

Difficult. As though you can conceal from me the fact that your heart has been torn into innumerable pieces. And that I am its source…but your eyes still shine with love. Your hands remain gentle. You are an angel, Salem Cousland…you could not have been born of earth and flesh and blood. I refuse to believe it. I refuse.

She reached behind her for what she had retrieved and held it out to me. "It belonged to my mother." she prefaced the gift. "Eleanor Cousland, upon a time, was the finest archer in Ferelden. I would see it in hands that use it well and she…she would want you to have it."

I reached out and took the bow in my hands, running my fingers across the intricate layers of wood and horn and sinew. The weapon Salem had placed into my hands was different than the bows I had held before. The frame was deeply curved, the weapon lighter than the others I had held, but more dense, more compact. The wood had been engraved with elegant scrollwork; I could see the rampant mabari etched into it, a representation of a strength and a family that was somehow more than human.

"Salem, I…"

"I don't trust her." my lover spoke, gripping my shoulders with insistence. "That Cassandra bitch uses a sword like an untrained child. I know your bow shattered at Fort Drakon…and I know you wished never to hold a weapon again, but…but I would have some part of me with you. Some part of me keeping you safe."

I will never leave you, more of her promises echoed and my hands began to shake. No. She would not leave me…she never has. As always, it is I who walk away from her.

"Thank you." I whispered, soft.

The hands on my shoulders pulled me close and Salem's lips crashed on mine with the force of a thousand ocean waves. I felt it again as we kissed; the frenetic haste that had marked our time before she had vanquished the Archdemon. The fury. The passion. The fear that only Salem could transmute into love.

Salem pulled away and buried her head into my shoulder. "I love you, Leliana Cousland."

I wrapped my arms around her as my world of beauty unraveled at the seams, as the shadows of future and fate spread from the walls and threatened to consume us both.

"Forgive me, Salem."

"I already have." she told me, straightening and bracing those beautiful, impossibly strong, broad shoulders.

"Forgive yourself." I begged, feeling as though I saw Salem covered in blood; dying from a thousand mortal wounds.

"In time." she nodded, reassuring me not in the slightest.

She wrapped her arm around my waist and we descended the stairs, back to our rooms. I slung my quiver and my new bow across my back. Salem took my satchel and extended it to me. There was nothing more we could do. We, who had conquered demons and dragons and gods…we could not stop time. We could not dissuade the inevitable.

And Salem…Salem accepted it as I never would. I saw it in her eyes, a calm resignation; the same unshakeable strength that had accepted her death with little more than a sigh and tears shed for lost dreams. But I could not reconcile this within my mind. I could not fathom that the Maker I had so loved would tear me out of her arms…would condemn her to a fate this cruel.

She has done nothing wrong, I prayed as we descended the stairs and made our way to the dining hall. She has done nothing wrong. This is so cruel…why am I being forced into such a decision? I am plunging knives into her skin and she is covering my hand with hers and telling me that it is all right; that she is all right; that all will be well. I'm killing her!

We entered the dining hall and Cassandra rose from the table. The other two remained seated, eating, but it was obvious that the High Seeker thought herself above my warden's hospitality.

"Are you quite ready?" the dark haired woman asked, impatient and arrogant and all things not Salem and all things I despised.

"I am coming with you of my own volition." I stepped in front of Salem as my warden's hands clenched into fists, eager to draw her swords again. "You would do well to remember my former vocation, Seeker Cassandra. You've only the promise of my integrity to keep you safe in your slumber tonight. If I decide, at any moment, to go against my word, you will not see the morning."

The Seeker threw her head back and laughed. Anger coiled in the pit of my stomach and I threw caution aside. I unslung the bow Salem had given me, nocked an arrow against the string and pulled back, letting the arrow fly across the hall and embed itself in the ornamental upper half of the High Seeker's pauldron. The arrow punched through the metal up the fletching and I quickly hid my surprise.

Eleanor Cousland must have been quite the archer indeed. The power in this bow is…unmatched.

Cassandra's laughter ceased and she gazed at the arrow, stunned.

"Had I wanted to bury that in your flesh, I would not have missed." I made a show of unstringing the bow and setting it across my back. "Do not mock me, High Seeker, nor think me intimidated by your title."

"This is your doing." Cassandra growled at Salem and my warden shrugged her shoulders, showing a mask to the Seeker. Indifference. Imperviousness. Insouciance.

"Get out of my house." Salem ordered and the Cousland guards drew their blades to enforce the edict. "Now."

I expected resistance, but Cassandra and Ren stalked from the room. Kathyra rose a little slower and moved to stand beside me. She looked at Salem and flinched from the power in my warden's unnatural eyes.

"I do apologize, Arlessa." she spoke. "Please find it in your heart…"

"You've done nothing to anger me." Salem interrupted, tight-lipped. "Do not change my mind. Leave. Now."

Kathyra offered a curt bow and departed. Salem escorted me to the front door of Cousland Hall…the place that had become my home. A place filled with love and comfort. A place I might never see again.

My heart splintered and I looked at Salem…one last time. Her eyes roved over me and her hands lifted to my face, memorizing my features, burning me inside her mind.

"I love you." she said, and I knew she would speak no other words.

I laid my hand over her heart. "I will come back to you." I promised, swearing a vow as I never had before…as a Cousland…a name incapable of breaking its word.

Salem leaned down and sealed my oath with a kiss. There were no tears in her eyes…but her hands were cold.

I left her and walked towards the group of Seekers, turning my back on the woman I loved…because she would never leave me. It was something I had to do.

And it is breaking me.