Chapter 10

'I am Buffy. I am Buffy,' she repeated to herself as she walked to Sunnydale Cemetery. Tara said there was no way to know for sure, but it there was just too much evidence for it not to be true. She had asked Tara to keep it to herself for now.

The witch hadn't liked that, and pressed the slayer to tell the others, but… what if? What if she was wrong? And how would they react if she did tell them? They didn't want her here… would that change if she told them she was pretty sure she was Buffy?

She kicked a rock along, wishing things were simpler and made her way along the paths to the plot in the cemetery she was looking for.

Joyce. Buffy.

She smiled and sat down at the graves. There were dried flower laid at both headstones, and she wondered who was leaving those. 'Spike,' her mind supplied. There was also…

She stood and went over to her grave, it only said 'Summers' on it, but it was hers. Another part of the Scoobies' ploys to keep her death a secret. She noticed pools of melted wax and a ring of salt. Witchcraft. Someone had been to her grave and had tried something. She would have to tell Wesley when she got home, but for now, she needed some time with her mom.

"Hey, Mom. I'm not sure if you've been expected me to show up in heaven or not, what with the dying and all. It looks like I've got another term down here, but I'm still the slayer, and you know how long we last. It doesn't seem fair, does it?" she laughed and pulled her knees up to her chest.

"It's different this time though, I don't have the… connections that I used to, the people there supporting me. Wesley is great and all… but I feel so alone. I fight and I'm good at it, like I was made for it, and sometimes I wonder if the Powers made this body just for that, but… before it was about saving the world for the people I loved, dying for the people I loved… and while I love them, they don't love me… at least, not like this."

"I wish you were here and could tell me what to do. You always seemed to know the right thing to say, and when the right thing to say was nothing at all. Sometimes I didn't need words, and you could tell the difference… when hot cocoa was what I needed most…" she started to choke on her tears, "I miss my mom."

Buffy laid her head down and let herself cry, full out, body shaking cry, for the first time since she came back. When she was finished, she felt exhausted, but better. She had needed that. She sat there for a long time, feeling closer to her mom than she had before. A part of her thought maybe something of her mom was there with her now, there was just a hint of her perfume on the air.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"Whatcha doin here?"

Buffy's head shot up, and she saw Spike standing there in his black leather duster.

She smiled, the vampire always seemed to show up when she was at her worst, "I'm looking for answers."

"The dead don't talk back, pet."

"I guess not. Perhaps the undead will talk then… tell me why you loved her."

"What?" he asked, his voice barely a whisper, "Who told you that?"

"No one had to tell me, I can see it on your face. Tell me about her."

For a moment, she thought Spike was going to bolt, but then he sat down, his back against a grave marker. He reached into his leather jacket's pocket and pulled out a half crumbled package of cigarettes. He fumbled with the package, twisting it back and forth in his hands, tapping it against his knee. Then finally, he removed one smoke before thrusting the package back into the duster. His hands trembled as the lit the cigarette. He took a deep draw off the cigarette, then another.

"She was special," he finally said, "Beautiful and deadly. I was never a very good vampire, even from the beginning… I still cared, some spark that shoulda left, never did. God knows Angelus tried to beat it out of me. At first, the thing with Buffy… I was just fascinated with her. She was interesting and intriguing, I thought all I wanted was to kill her, but I didn't, I didn't want to kill her."

"I tried to justify it at first, with the chip I couldn't kill her, so maybe I just wanted to keep her safe until I could kill her. I tried lying to myself but I couldn't keep denying it. Something about her got under my skin. I hid how I felt but the Bit figured it out and blabbed to big sis. Buffy was horrified at first… we… we were never friends, but allies there at the end. I tried to prove myself to her and it didn't always go well. I don't think she really believed I love her, which is the worst part of it. The love of your life dies and they don't even believe your love is real."

Spike turned his head, not wanting her to see the tears in his eyes, but Buffy saw them anyway.

"Still love's bitch?"

"Yeah…love's a bitch."

"Do you think, would you have still loved her even if something had happened to her? If she wasn't pretty anymore? If she didn't look the same?"

"I would've loved Buffy no matter what she looked like. She wasn't just beautiful, but strong. Life kept crapping on her and she just kept going, you couldn't keep her down. So full of life, so alive. I always admired that about her. I think a small part of me has loved her since I first saw her, dancing at the Bronze in that tiny blue top," Spike smiled at the memory.

"But she didn't love me, couldn't love a soulless monster. She needed me, depended on me, but she would have never loved me."

"Maybe, maybe not. A part of me believes that real love and passion have to go hand in hand with pain and fighting," the slayer said.

"If that were true, Buffy and I woulda been bloody made for each other."

'Maybe you were.'

"I think Shakespeare wrote about that. Romeo and Juliet, dueling families, or in this case species."

"Well, it didn't end well for them either. It was my fault she died. I promised to protect Dawn and I failed. Buffy jumped because I failed. It's my fault Buffy is dead. I couldn't save her. Every night I save her, a dozen different ways, but when it counted, when it mattered, I failed. I can never make up for that."

"It's not your fault Spike. Buffy didn't die because of you, she died because of Glory. Buffy knew what she was doing. She couldn't let you or Dawn die for her. Stopping it was her duty."

"Dawn?"

"Dawn tried to be the one… to… but Buffy told her no. She jumped, because she couldn't bear to have anything happen to Dawn."

"Nibblet never said," he said, shocked.

"You'll protect her, always, right? That's what you promised."

"Until the end of the world."

She smiled, although it was more of a frown, "Even if…"

"…it's tonight,' she thought.

"Even if it's tonight," Spike said aloud and took a long, final draw from his cigarette.

They lapsed into silence and Buffy tilted her head back and looked up at the stars. From the corner or her eye, she saw Spike go for another smoke. It was unfair, asking him about her, without telling him who she was, or at least who she thought she was.

It wasn't fair to him, but when was she ever fair? She was cruel and self-centered. She came back here, not because any of her friends needed her, but because she needed them… and now she wondered if they would be better off without her.

"Do you want to go kill something? I feel like I need a good slay."

"Sounds like a bit of alright," Spike agreed.

She stood and offered the vampire her hand to help him up. For a moment, he looked at it like this might be a trick, but finally he took her hand and she pulled him up.

"Hopefully the baddies are accommodating tonight."

"Yeah, well, just don't be taking all the action for yourself," he said, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"I can share," she said with a smile and a wink. They meandered down the path. After a while Spike nudged her and with a tilt of his head indicated a crypt ahead of them and mouthed, 'Nest'.

The slayer smiled and pulled out a stake from her jacket pocket. She pointed at him and mouthed, 'You want to lead?'

He nodded, went into game face and busted into the crypt, catching the occupants unaware. A few fledglings tried to make a break for it, but Buffy was there and took two of them out quickly. The third threw her into the crypt where two others grabbed her.

The third was making his way towards her, when he crumbled into nothing, Spike standing behind him, stake in hand. She flipped backwards, bringing the two who had ahold of her down in a tumble of limbs. She rolled from the mess, and was quickly on her feet, meeting the two vamps with a stake as they stood.

She turned, looking for Spike. He was throwing punches at a big one, who was older than the others. The big guy rammed Spike into the wall and was pummeling him with gut punches when Buffy finally vaulted towards them.

Stake in hand, she went for the kill, but the baddie felt her coming and threw her hard. It knocked the wind out of her, and for an instant she was dazed. Shaking it off, she raced back at him, and this time, when he tried to fling her away, she ducked and he missed.

She smiled, and plunged the stake into his back.

Spike coughed, "I had him you know."

"Sure," she said, and gave him a hand up.

"Shoulda known you wouldn't share, slayers are all the same."

"Yeah, see vampire, kill vampire. It's in the manual."

Spike breathed in deeply and cocked an eyebrow, "Yeah? What else is in the manual? They tell you what to do with all that pent up energy slaying gives you?"

She was aroused and he could tell. She blushed and turned away, but he grabbed her arm and shoved her against the crypt wall. She froze and he was suddenly in her space, his face at her neck, and he was smelling her.

"I don't think they cover that," she whispered.

He looked up at her, his clear blue eyes searching for something… permission? He closed his eyes then and lowered his lips to hers. His kiss was tentative at first, as if he expected her to push him away. Instead she wrapped her arms around him, pulled him closer and parted her lips. He slid his tongue inside her mouth, moaning.

She could feel how hard he was against her stomach, and she pushed against him, seeking friction, movement, anything. He growled and the kiss turned frenzied, as if they couldn't get enough of one another.

"Buffy," he groaned, and ice water filled her veins. He knows?

Spike jerked away from her like he'd be burnt, "Fuck." He turned away and she slid down the wall, her heart hammering in her chest. Her lungs hurt, and she realized her breathing was panicky.

"'m sorry," he whispered.

"It's fine," she said, as she willed her heart to slow down. He didn't know.

"Didn't mean to hurt you."

"I'm not hurt," she said, confused.

"Not, physically… I mean…"

"I know. It's fine. You love Buffy. I'm happy she means that much to you, even now. No one can replace Buffy."

"You're a decent bint. You deserve someone decent. You shouldn't be here with me, doing this."

"I dunno I think you're pretty decent, and I liked what we were just doing. All of it, the fighting and the uh… other bit."

Spike looked up at her then, and she smiled softly. How had she never noticed how gorgeous he was before? She moved toward him and he froze, his eyes wide. She kissed his cheek and then his lips. He didn't respond, but he didn't pull away either.

"Not a good idea, pet," he said, but it sounded strangled, like he was arguing with himself.

"You need someone who will love you," she told him, "I was on the other side of unrequited love, it only seems fair to be on this side of it now."

"You don' love me, nobody bloody loves me."

"Maybe I don't, but I think I could and I know Dawn loves you. You are loveable, William."

"Anything between us wouldn't mean anything to me, I'd just be using you," Spike warned.

"If you didn't care about me, at least a little, you wouldn't try to warn me off," she said and smiled.

Spike frowned, and he seemed to be thinking of an argument to that, but she kissed him, and this time, he kissed back.

It felt so right, to have his lips on hers, to have his hands traveling down her back and over her ass, to have him pulling her body into his. As confused as she had been these last few months, this right now, made more sense than anything else, and it should've made the least amount of sense. When had she fallen in love with the blond soulless wonder? When had she stopped thinking about that other vampire? Somewhere along the line, something changed. Or maybe, nothing changed... maybe this was here all along, and all the noise and distractions that had been there before were gone. It was like she'd cleaned the windows and finally, the light was shining through.

Buffy had been infatuated with Angel, seen him as her one true love. Since she'd woken up in Eleanor's body though, she'd seen things differently. Her relationship with Angel hadn't been healthy, it had been obsessive. The things that she had looked past and forgiven him for! Angel had been controlling and manipulative, offering her only tidbits of information when he could have been open and honest. Angel had always had a second agenda. Spike on the other hand…

She let out a breathy little gasp and Spike started to nibble down her neck.

"Maybe, we out to take this someplace else?" she asked, although she really really didn't want him to stop what he was doing, it was sending delicious little shivers right down her back. He was so close, and she didn't want to let him go.

"Yeah? And where should we go?"

"Your crypt? Uncle Wesley is going to be at my place."

Spike wrenched back from her, "Uncle Wesley? He's not really your uncle, is he?"

She laughed, "No, it's just a joke we have."

"Ah. Well, uh… we could go back to my crypt, but it is a crypt."

"I know, which is why it is so aptly named," she said with a shake of her head.

"You know, we don't-"

She placed her hand over his lips, "Stop with that. Let's go."

He nodded, she wouldn't be able to say he hadn't tried to talk her out of it, god only knew why he'd even tried.