Part 10: Sometimes you lose
Who are you and who am I
To say we know the reason why?
Some are born; some men die
Beneath one infinite sky.
There'll be war, there'll be peace.
But everything one day will cease.
All the iron turned to rust;
All the proud men turned to dust.
And so all things time will mend.
So this song will end.
Pink Floyd - Childhood's End
She could barely hear the alien's faint reply. First, she thought she had misheard it. Then, she wondered if Tess was lying to her… It was so annoying that she could never rule that possibility out; it poisoned her entire thought process! But her posture… the fact that Tess was avoiding her gaze, almost with her back turned, told its own little story. Tess may be an alien, but she still had human genes and human body language. And that universal language was infinitely more enlightening. And because of that, Liz was perplexed. This was something she didn't think she'd ever see. She really had touched a nerve... maybe the only one!
She really does have a heart, she thought, amazed, feeling as if a load had been lifted from her. Now I know why I got in the car! Okay, now I have two choices: either I let her go, or I keep pressing that little shame button of hers. Maybe she'll reconsider and go back to Isabel's apartment with me. Actually, there's a third way...
Liz took a deep breath – her first real one that whole night. "So, is Zan really human?"
Upon hearing her son's name, Tess lifted her head, as if Liz had hammered her knees.
"I suppose you don't believe that one either…" she murmured.
"Should I?" Liz asked, cocking her head.
"Kivar wasn't interested in a little pure-bred human who happened to be the spawn of two half-breeds," Tess said, calmly.
"Because he hates humans, or because the baby doesn't have the royal seal?"
Liz really had to smile when Tess blinked in silence for a few seconds with her mouth opened. "How do you know about the seal?"
Liz scratched her head. "That is a story way too complicated to tell right now… all you need to know is that if something happens to Max and he dies, the royal seal will pass on to Michael."
"But why Michael and not the king's direct heir, or any of they royal four?" Tess asked, confused.
"I don't really know," Liz replied. "I imagine the people who engineered and sent you here knew the royal four very well: they didn't trust you, and they obviously couldn't trust Isabel, because of her involvement with Kivar, so Michael became the natural choice…"
Tess sighed softly and Liz wondered if she was thinking about her vain efforts to save her own life. After a few minutes delving in deep thoughts, Tess finally broke the silence. "Listen, if… If I had known the effects the mindwarps would have on Alex, I would've just used someone else to translate the book."
Tess' tone didn't have any malice; yet, her words made Liz nauseous again. "And you would've killed another innocent person. And Kivar would've still betrayed you..." She said, simply. "What makes you think that makes me feel any better?"
"Well, if I had known that Kivar planned to give me a fate worse than death, then my life would've been much easier! All of our lives, actually."
Liz realized that her words had been a bit harsh… Was that a veiled apology from Tess for Alex's death?! If it is, that's probably the only one I'm ever going to get, she mused.
It wasn't enough. Of course it wasn't. No amount of words could ever bring Alex back from the dead… But, somehow, the expression on Tess' eyes made her feel a little better. She would like to have the little box that contained the clod of dirt she had kept from her friend's funeral. On that day, she had refused to cover his coffin with it – and admit he was gone from this world – but now, she felt strong enough to do it.
"Okay, give me the car key, lets go," Liz said, stretching her arm.
"I just have one more question," Tess said, ignoring her.
Oh boy, she's not gonna let this go any time soon, Liz thought, annoyed.
"There's just one thing I don't understand," Tess started, while Liz braced herself for yet another round. "If you really knew everything about… about Alex… why didn't you just tell Max everything?"
Because I'm an idiot, Liz thought, biting her tongue as a sharp pain pierced her skull. Tess was looking at her intently. "Why didn't I tell him?" Liz stalled. Tess nodded, waiting for her answer. "I don't know… I've asked myself that question many times… but I still have no idea as to why I didn't just explain everything to him… It would've been so simple, wouldn't it?"
Tess snorted. "That's an understatement. If you had told Max the truth, you would've reigned supreme!"
"Instead, I shot myself in the foot, again," Liz mumbled.
She wondered if Tess was going to give her a snide remark or a smart-alecky smirk saying 'I told you so', but, instead, Tess just sighed and shook her head.
Liz imitated her and continued. "Yeah… so much time and suffering… all in vain… But, when Max didn't even want to consider the possibility – however remote – that it hadn't been an accident… After everything Alex and me did for him, after Alex saved his life, he lets him down like that? He doesn't even try?!" Tess just looked at her, waiting for her to continue. Liz shook her head, slightly. "If Max wasn't gonna help me find Alex's killer, I didn't want him standing in my way…" I had let Alex down too many times, I refused to make that mistake again, she added to herself.
"Yet, all you had to do was tell Max the truth… Why didn't you just do that?" Tess asked again.
I wouldn't even know how to begin telling him the truth… "Well, by that point, I just couldn't be reasoned with. He chose his loyalties and I chose mine. In the end, Max was right! He was right about everything… He was right about you, he was right about Destiny, he was right about me and Kyle, and he was right about Alex... There was a great risk of exposure for the group... And I nearly got myself killed… Worse, I nearly took Maria with me to the grave."
"You made a mistake," Tess said.
For a moment, Liz didn't know if her remark had been a shot about Maria, or just a general statement, a kind of logical ending to her own words. One thing was undeniable: the irony was absent from her voice. Liz replied in kind. "Over the past three years, I've made more mistakes than I can count on my fingers."
"That's not what Max thinks," Tess argued with a smile.
"Yeah, well, Max is biased," Liz replied, returning the sentiment.
"Max didn't even think that whole thing with you and Kyle had been a mistake… He was hopeful 'till the end!… You on the other hand never mirrored his hopefulness… Do you still think you lost something, then?"
Did I lose something? Tess' words sounded like the last gust of wind before the landslide.
"Well, I'll tell you this: I know I shouldn't have been so upset at what happened, because, technically, we weren't even together when you slept with him."
"Well, technically you haven't been together since you technically abandoned him in the Pod Chamber. I mean, technically, you've been punishing Max ever since I got here for the wrong reasons… But you didn't answer my question."
Liz's attention was drawn to the repetitions, but absent irony in Tess' voice, she said: "That's not true, I haven't been punishing Max. I'm not even angry with him! I'm angry with you! My greatest regret is that I pushed him towards you."
"That's still not an answer… I know perfectly well you're angry with me, but Max is the one you've been punishing, because of his association with me. Technically."
"Well, consider what you already gave him: his real home, a sense of purpose, a family… I don't even know if I'll be able to give him any such things…"
"I'll take that as a yes. At the risk of repeating myself, Max didn't want anything from me. So, technically, I didn't give him anything. Technically, I don't even exist to him. Technically, you didn't lose anything." Tess let out a big sigh. "You know… all I wanted was my husband back… Was that really so much to ask?! I would've been happy with a fifth of what he gave you!"
"Is that why you wanted him dead?" Liz asked.
"I never wanted him dead… I never wanted anyone dead! Except you!"
Liz nodded. She knew the words before they came out of Tess' mouth. As menacing as they sounded, she wasn't worried. She glanced at the clock; she hadn't thought about it in a long while… It's really getting late, she thought, unable to recall the last time she had looked at it. Is this conversation still being recorded, she wondered, seeing as she also didn't remember hearing the click of the tape running out. That didn't seem nearly as important as keeping the conversation going.
"If that's true, why were you delivering them to Kivar?"
"The plan was to trade the royal seal the heir was supposed to carry for our freedom."
"And did you really think Kivar would fall for that? I mean, if he were the kind of guy who honored his deals, Nasedo wouldn't have been killed, don't you think? It's obvious that he gets rid of anyone who outlives his usefulness… And you already knew that when you got into the Granilith."
"Well, technically, I had something Kivar wanted, unlike Nasedo…"
"That's not a small detail, is it?" Liz smiled, mischievously.
"I could say the same about your technicalities," Tess laughed.
"You would still end up here," Liz stated.
"Yeah, you're probably right…" Tess admitted. "But what was I supposed to do? Risk death or worse at Kivar's hands, just because Max was too stubborn to accept who he really was?" Liz let out an anguished sigh. "You think you lost something, and you've spent the last two years mourning for your loss." Tess shrugged. "You're entitled to mourn. But you're wasting your time. Worse: you're wasting Max's time! Max always knew he wanted you. I had to learn that myself… the hard way! So, what I wanna know is, why are technicalities so important to you? If you really love Max and he makes you happy, why would you want more than that?... Go home!"
Liz nodded, slowly, and let out another sigh, one that had been trapped inside her for too long. She had spent many months trying to get her heart to listen to reason, in vain. She never thought she would ever hear those words out loud, much less from the alien herself. She felt an absurd urge to hug Tess and thank her for the harsh words she said to her that night... but she kept to her seat and asked: "Can you give me the key back, please?"
Tess smiled. "After tonight, no one in the Roswell area will know anything about aliens landing here. Everything will be okay!"
"What about your kid?"
"He'll be a lot safer, too."
"So, is this like a 'dying with dignity' sort of thing?"
"Dignity is for the living," Tess replied, throwing the key at Liz.
She caught it in mid-air and thought about that statement for a second, before she cracked a smile. "Tess, are you exercising your free-will?"
"It's never too late to start, don't you think?"
Liz shook her head, heavily. "Even when you know you cannot win?"
"The decision is my own… that's a victory in itself!" She said, smiling wider. She reached for the handle and opened the door.
"Tess, are you doing this for Max or for Zan?"
"That's a loaded question," she laughed, lightly.
"Not at all!" Liz assured her.
"One I think you already know the answer to," she added, stepping out of the car.
The moment she closed the door, Liz knew that she was really going to honor her words. It became real. Too real, too fast. "Tess!" She called after her. She lowered the window and Tess popped her head back in. "Don't get caught," she pleaded.
Tess smiled. "I won't. Thanks for the ride!" And then she was gone.