anything but that
by mondie
started on may 4, 2003
disclaimer: Mondie owns Pinhead. Disney and respective families own
the newsies. Their portrayal is Mondie's, and the dialogue and plot are
Mondie's. But don't sue me. The characters actually belong to Disney. Disney.
DISNEY. Not Mondie. Disney.
therapist!skittery: You're getting good at that.
Mondie: I know.
chapter ten: dutchy
chapter written: January 11, 2005
Wednesday, October 1, 2003
It happened mid-sex, for fuck's sake.
I was on top, incredibly into it, my hands clutching to the sheets on either side of her face, her hair fanned out under her porcelain skin, her eyes squeezed shut. Her sheets are emerald green, real pretty, and she looked like a goddess upon them. Just like a fucking goddess in one of the books by Renaissance artists that we had used to sneak out of the library in grade school and laugh at the pictures of the naked women. I was comparing her to Eve, white flesh naked upon a dark green forest backdrop, when it happened.
She bucked her hips, dug her nails into my back, and screamed, "Oh, God! Blink! Fuck me harder!"
I stared at her for a minute, while her eyes opened and stared up at me. "Why are you stopping?" she demanded, digging her fingernails even further into my flesh. I didn't even register the pain.
I don't remember much after that, though I obviously pulled out and got on my clothes again, since when I clambered down the stairs a few moments later I was wearing my jeans and my sweatshirt. It seemed like my sweatshirt was all that I had that was really mine anymore. I'd messed up my relationship with Specs, and Tricia had never been mine in the first place.
FUCK.
Tricia was yelling behind me all the way down the stairs. Usually we had to be real careful to be quiet when we had sex, but we'd skipped school today and her parents were at work.
"Get back here, Dutchy!" she screeched behind me, and the pounding of her bare feet against the slick polished wood of her staircase sickened me. I rushed to her front door, wrenched it open, and closed it in her face just as she caught up to me. Burying my hands deep in the pocket of my sweatshirt, I set off at a determined pace across her lawn, cutting through the alley behind her neighbor's house, and continuing to walk until I reached my car, which was parked, as usual, three blocks away from Tricia's house. Blink knows my car, and of course we couldn't have me parked at her house in case he drove by.
Unlocking my door, I sat down in the seat of my car and let it sink in.
Tricia didn't care.
I left Specs for her, and she was pretending I was Blink the whole time.
Fucking goddammit.
I saw her crossing the street toward me, and I locked the door. She was barefoot and wearing only her bathrobe. Her hair was quite obviously tousled from sex, and I couldn't even believe she didn't care that she was walking after me in front of the neighbors. Well, fuck her. FUCK. HER.
She tried to open my door, but I just flipped her off. She began pounding on the window, while I turned the key in the ignition and then put the car into drive. Smiling rather ironically, I stepped on the gas. She became smaller and smaller in the distance, wearing her stupid bathrobe and an enraged look.
I knew it was really my fucking fault, okay? I knew that she was just calling me because Blink's a pussy. I knew she had no fucking intention of actually dating me. But I let myself get caught up in all the stupid lies that I was telling myself, that we were in love, that I wasn't a stupid slut.
But, really, when it comes down to it, I'm nothing but a slut.
I didn't want to be with Specs because he's such a fucking drama queen, but what am I? I'm not even slightly better.
I looked at the clock.
2:00. Fuck. I couldn't even go home yet, because unlike fucking Tricia, my mom likes nothing better than lounging around the house while I'm not home and she would kinda notice my being home so early.
So I drove around.
I listened to a punk CD I'd mixed a while ago, but of course it all sounded fake and poppy and emo now. I ejected it and threw it in the backseat, along with all my other shit. Opening my glove compartment – my low-budget CD container – I grabbed the first CD my feeling fingers stumbled across and shoved it in the little slot. Not knowing what to expect, I nevertheless expected anything but what actually came out.
"Live in my house, I'll be your shelter…"
"What the fuck?" I screamed, staring at the CD player as if I had X-ray eyes and could magically see whatever the CD was. I was on the four-lane highway that splits our town at that point, stopped at a red light, and I hastily looked over into the car next to me, as if somehow the person sitting in that car could hear the Broadway show tunes playing in mine over his rap music. Luckily, he was too busy nodding his head to his too-loud bass to notice me and my pathetic little gay show.
Hitting eject, I narrowed my eyes suspiciously at the CD.
"Love – Broadway Style," Specs' loopy, swirly, girly writing announced to me. "For Dutchy, from Specs. Valentine's Day 2002."
2002? Lord, he'd made it forever ago. I'd probably just fucking thrown it in the glove compartment without listening to it once.
He deserved so much better than me.
Against my better, and even my worst, judgment, I popped it back into the CD player while I drove. In case other drivers could discern what I was listening to by my face, I never looked to either side, just straight ahead, as I drove and drove and drove. I listened to sickeningly sweet Sondheim songs after drippy Rodgers and Hammerstein, only to be followed by cringe-worthy Andrew Lloyd Weber and everything in addition and in between. The clincher was the last song – "Can You Feel The Love Tonight" from The Lion King. We always listened to that one together, because it was my favorite. His favorite was Rent, and for him, I'd seen it six times.
I turned off into the park and left my car in the parking lot, heading into the cool sanctuary of the trees. There's a big fountain in the middle, and I lay down on the cement ledge surrounding it. Every now and then some of its spray hit me, and it left sprinkles of water on my glasses. I had a headache, and feeling pained by everything I'd done and everything that had been done to me, I felt the tears slide, nearly unbeckoned by me.
For some reason or other, I was the only one in the park. A couple ducks were my sole company, and I was glad that they at least were nonjudgmental. In fact, they flat out ignored me once they realized that I didn't have any bread crumbs to share with them.
I lay there for a long time, thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. Finally coming to the realization that I was just an ugly, ugly person with an uglier heart, I sat up and swung my legs to the grass, fully prepared to go drive again. The sun was setting now, and casting irregular shadows by its red beams. I nearly didn't see the two people approaching, but luckily the girl stepped on a twig, and I had enough time to dart to the other side of the fountain.
Peering from behind the giant glistening, sparkling fountain, I saw Bumlets and his little sister – the bitchy one; Alexis, I was pretty sure – sit just where I had been laying before. I edged slightly around to hear what they were saying. I figured I couldn't be further damned to hell for eavesdropping, after what I'd done, so this was rather just to see someone get yelled at and to make me feel slightly better about myself.
Bumlets was sitting on top of his hands, and didn't say anything for a long time. He shook his head a few times though, his black hair taking on a red glow in the setting sun's light. "Why, Alex?" he finally asked. "Why do you treat me – and my friends – like this?" His voice sounded defeated. "I don't do anything like this to you."
She stared at him. "You're all freaks, Pete. In case you didn't notice."
"But we don't do anything to you," Bumlets repeated.
"Knowledge of association is enough," she answered haughtily. "God, Pete, if you were only normal." For a second, she looked less like a crazy psycho bitch and more like a little lost girl. But only a second. Then she hardened again. "People assume that I'm a freak too, since I'm related to a freak."
"That doesn't mean you can pull the stuff you do," Bumlets persisted, and I could almost sense his energy draining. "You just can't, Alex."
"I didn't ask to have you for a brother," she burst out, her face, so like his in one aspect, and yet utterly inhuman in another, crumpling up like a paper thrown into an angry flame. She was crying. "I didn't ask for you to be a freak, and for your stupid friends, and for people to talk about you the way they do. I didn't ask for you to be so… perfect and yet so horrible, all at the same time!"
I had to restrain myself from rushing out and shoving her face first into the fucking fountain. What a stupid bitch! Bumlets was one of the nicest people in the universe, and I decided to myself that if he didn't punch her face in, I would spring into action and do it for him.
To my surprise, he opened his arms and pulled her into a hesitant hug. She kept herself aloof for a moment, then slumped forward into his chest, sobbing.
I snuck away, taking the back way through the park and back to my car. I swallowed a lump in my throat. As much as I fucking hated to admit it, I couldn't live like Alexis anymore. I had to take a page from Bumlets' book, instead. Rather than fucking scream about injustices of the world, I had to try and make things right.
And there were two people I owed an explanation to.
Pulling out my cell phone, I dialed Blink's number while I peeled out of the parking lot. He didn't pick up, so I left a stupid voicemail about needing to tell him something really important and how he really, really had to call me back as soon as possible.
And almost before I knew it, I found myself on Specs' doorstep.
I rang the doorbell and simultaneously ran a hand through my straw-like hair.
His mom answered. She let me in and I headed up the stairs. The nice, carpeted stairs, worn from use. Down the hallway with the floral wallpaper, faded from being on the walls for years. A small hall lamp gave out a friendly, welcoming glow on the table just outside Specs' room. I looked at the photos taped haphazardly to Specs' door, most of them him and myself. I cracked my neck, postponing knocking by fixing my sweatshirt, making sure my shoes were tied.
I finally nodded to myself that I needed to do this, and held up my hand to knock. The door opened a second before my fist actually made contact.
Specs stood expectantly in front of me. "Were you actually going to knock?" he asked, as if in surprise, mocking how I had taken my time. I suddenly remembered that he could see through the keyhole in his old-fashioned lock. I wondered how long he'd known I was there.
"Specs… I'm sorry."
He nodded, as though he had expected this too. "I know," he answered.
I suddenly noticed what he was wearing. "Is that an Angel Santa drag costume?" I asked, impressed at its perfection.
He nodded again. "Debra's helping me make my Halloween costume," he answered, rather dryly. "Can you imagine? We're actually getting along. Apparently she doesn't mind me being a queen if we just pretend that it's for Halloween night only."
"Terrific," I said, smiling at him. "About the costume, I mean. It looks terrific." He nodded. A stupid, stupid silence followed.
"So… did you just come to apologize? Because I have homework to do," he said.
For just a second, he let his hard crust slip, and I saw the vulnerable Specs that I knew hiding behind it. And I found myself loving that damn boy with his fucking hair dye and too-tight outfits and the way that he could wear fishnets like no other man on the planet. "I love you" rushed out of my mouth before I could evaluate the possible outcomes of saying it.
One of Specs' perfect plucked eyebrows suddenly arched higher than the other. "What about Tricia?"
I blanched. "How'd you know?" I asked softly.
"You haven't talked to Blink in forever. Of course I noticed," he answered, looking down at his nails and chipping the polish.
"Why didn't you say anything?" I questioned, feeling stupider than fuck.
He actually laughed. "Oh, God, Dutchy. You always did belittle me and my concern for others and their feelings, didn't you?" He looked up at me with tears in his eyes. "Fuck you, Dutchy," he breathed. "Fuck you for belittling me, and fuck you for me still loving you in spite of fucking everything."
"I'm sorry," was all I could say, as I reached out a hand and caught his wrist. "Specs, God, I'm sorry."
He stared at me for a minute. "Now what?" he asked finally, sniffling in a vain attempt to keep his tears at bay. "You fucking hurt me, and I fucking want you anyway."
Letting go of his wrist, I took a chance and stepped closer to him instead, wrapping my arms around him and burying my face in his shoulder, smelling that wonderful Specs scent, the combination of Curve cologne and Dove body soap and aftershave.
"I even missed the smell of your damn stupid sweatshirt," he murmured into my own shoulder, and I wrapped my arms around him tighter in response.
He pulled back a little, and I lifted my head too, looking instead into those eyes, the ones that trusted me and were real and beautiful and sexy and sweet, all at the same time. Our lips met, familiar and comfortable and with the feeling of a broken-in kiss, the kiss that means you won't be hurt ever again, the kiss that cements chaos and certainty together in a marriage that can't be broken. "So are we a thing?" he asked, cocking his head adorably to the side, pursing his lips.
Luckily, I knew the right answer. "Darling, we're everything," I answered, then added, before he could, "Rent, 'I'll Cover You'."
His smile was real as we kissed again.
And I should fucking know.
Because if there's one thing I know, it's fucking Specs. Exactly as it should be.
i drove for miles and miles and wound up at your door
i've had you so many times, but somehow i want more
i don't mind spending every day out on your corner in the pouring rain
look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay a while
and she will be loved, and she will be loved
tap on my window, knock on my door, i want to make you feel beautiful
i know i tend to get so insecure, doesn't matter anymore
it's not always rainbows and butterflies, it's compromise that moves us along
my heart is full and my door's always open, you can come anytime you want
maroon 5's she
will be loved
shoutouts!
Queen Kez The Wicked – Any time you ever feel the need to re-read and re-review my stories, feel free to. I love your reviews every time, and even when they're just recapping your previous feelings, they're so delightful and wonderful and I adore you for your re-reviewingage. Kezala, you are –so- one of my favoritest people in the history of forever.
Braids21 – Haha, thanks. Actually, hilaRyB and I came up with the "Never fear, Brooklyn's queer!" in a conversation once, and we decided that I must use it. And thus, the best line in the story is written. :) Thanks for reading, and I hope you review more in chapter to come.
Nakaia Aidan-Sun – Haha, I would ask about your sister and her Mush snowman but… that was like a year ago. Whoops. I'm glad you liked the last chapter though!
Mush's Skittles – Haha, I love how you're all "I HAVEN'T READ THIS CHAPTER!" and you're like… the fourth person, so you obviously weren't too far behind. LOL! Haha, glad you like Adam, because I kinda don't like him. He's a bit of an ass. LOL! But I guess we'll get to that. And much loves to Tim, for finding Adam hot too. Haha! Oh, man, Itts, I'm pretty sure this entire story is just for you, because I'm quite convinced you're the only one who cares about it. (And I feel that I should tell you that, randomly, Running Away by Hoobastank just started playing on my iTunes. Haha! Actually, every Hoobastank song makes me automatically think slash, because they never put genders in, and then I want to write entire epics surrounding their songs. Go go Hoobastank!)
Pyromaniacal Llama – I quote you here: "Two updates in three days! Life is good " Guess I started letting you down directly after this post. Haha! And this comment of yours about Spot is perhaps my favorite ever: "So small... so lusted after... so possibly impotent" And yay for chubby black kitties, and thanks for your TERRIFIC review! It makes me laugh aloud and be happy even now, over a year later. …Because I rock at updating. Yes.
Strawberri Shake – Thanks for the review! Bwaha, I will not expose my secrets about the pairings to come. Basically because I have no idea myself. But we won't go into that… haha. Thanks for the review! :)
Sinhe – I think we all have wanted, at some time or other, to say ::gasp:: SLUT! And I'm glad my story gave you the needed opportunity. XD And uh, I know you said "more soon," but that could somehow be translated into "more a year later," right? XD Thanks for your amusing review, darling.
CapitalPunishment – Phantom will probably be in here somewhere. I mean, chances are Specs will get around to it sometime, right? Right. And, haha, I swear, it wasn't REALLY supposed to be all slashy. It's just an unfortunate side effect of being… me. Anyhow. Thanks for reviewing!
Aura – Who doesn't like Jason Mraz? LOL! Thanks for the review.
Fifi – I –would- do a Mush chapter soon, if I were going to do one at all. I don't think I am, though. But I promise to resolve the Mush/Blinkness soon. Soonish. Haha!
Cards – Bumlets' and Race's families are my favorites, too. :D I like big families, and close-knit ones. So there ya go. Thanks for the review hon! Hearts!
Artemis-chan of Redwing – I figured I needed to have at least some of the boys be as horny as all the boys were at MY high school, haha! And really, this time I'm not dead! Really! Thanks for your review. :)
Bobcat:slashgoil – Haha, thanks for agreeing with me on the anti-Adamness! Hehe. He's not my favorite character ever, either. He'll be back, and we'll hate him more. Woo! Something to look forward to! LOL.
Falco Conlon – Thanks for reading from chapter 4! ::loves:: I'm sorry I didn't update so that all your reading-catching-upness was wasted. :( But I still love (and waffle) you! I adored your reviews and your hatred of Alexis throughout them. Consistensy, thy name is Falco.
Checkmate – Thanks! :)
Gryffin Parker – Ahaha your review makes me happy. ! And you have to give back abt!specs, because… he lives in the story. But I do rent him out. Which is really the reason why it's taken a year to write this chapter, because he left me so long ago and I just couldn't find him anymore. Sigh.
Broadway1 – Ah, Kimi, how I love you and your JFK obsession! Someday I will try to write him in something just for you. ! Love you, girlie!!
Kattabean – I adore you. Just so you know. !
Rumor – Hey, even a late review from you is still a super-wondrous thing! Haha. I love your reviews so much! (They remind me what I wrote when I need to write the next chapter. LOL!) I always love hearing from you… hope you find this chapter. :D
Gothic Author – I love you and your review even though I'm fairly certain it got cut off but it doesn't matter because I love you so much!!! :D :D :D –adores-
Skrawl – Thanks. :) Eh, who cares about parents anyway? They're rather uninvolved in their children's lives, I suppose. Well, Bumlets' family just has too many children to deal with, Race's dad is busy being a single working parent, Specs' mom isn't invited in Specs' life… there can be lots of reasons! LOL. Imagination is key with this one… thanks for the review!
Frogger No Baka – And I adore you for catching up! And I love you! Where have you been, dear?!
i-nv-u50 – Sorry it took so long to update! But thanks for the review!!
Geometrygal – I luffle Logan too. :D I love your review too! It's so amusing to read. XD -loves you!- How have you been?! I miss talking to you… -sniff-
Dreamless-Mermaid – Thanks for your sweet review! :) And I know it took forever to update… but thanks for reading it even though it appeared abandoned.
Saturday – Though your review didn't save fully and I don't know what your favorite parts are after chapter 1's, haha, I appreciate the gesture. :D Thanks for reading all the way through! And I'm glad you like Pinhead, he's definitely my favorite OC that I've made. Or at least in the top 5. :D Thanks for the review!
I'll see you guys in another year for the next chapter. Haha, hopefully just hoping. !! Please review. Thanks, love and flowers and sparkles and abt!specs in an outfit of your choice to all reviewers as a thank-you gift!