-Chapter Inspired by 'Let the Flames Begin' and 'Decode' by Paramore-

The situation was getting worse. His dreams plagued him every night, replaying it again and again and again, that same memory until he nearly launched himself out of his bed and into the walls. If he didn't wake up violently, he would wake up in mad cold sweats, barely able to keep his mind at ease. He would end up right outside Feliciano's door until the sound of the his boyfriend's breathing lulled him close to sleep, and he would slink back into his room to fight the war of his mind again, and most of the time it was unsuccessful. He often wondered why he didn't just go into Feliciano's room and sleep away his terrors there, but then he would realize why. He would still wake up a lot of the time with force, unable to control his feet or mouth for a few moments. Even now, as he sat upright in his bed, gripping his soaked shirt and trying to block out threatening tears, he didn't know why he didn't talk about it. He didn't know why he kept secrets bottled up like this until he started to hurt himself.

Ever since the second vision of his life, it's been plaguing him. The connections with his past, and the entire selection of theories and possibilities his mind thought up about it were slowly leaking into everyday life. In almost every dark corner, he could see the faces of the guards, outlined in flames and smoke, staring at him with disgusted sneers. He could smell smoke every time he entered brick buildings, and now he grew completely freaked out when it rained. He's tried time after time to figure out what it meant, what it was telling him. It didn't seem to make any sense at all that he would see that event. Why did it have to do with him and his old home of torture? Why was it raining, why did it go up in smoke? What did the lightning get attracted to in the facility, why the massive shockwave?

What was running toward him at the very end?

He roared out silently, pressing his knees up to his chest, clawing into his head with dagger-like fingers. This was slowly rotting out his mind. If he didn't figure out what the fuck it was, he will drive himself off the mental edge once again. He hated having his mind fucked with. It was enough that he had to go through it as a young child, continuously forced to replay the vision of him almost getting ran over by a car. He still remembered the accident, but he really didn't. It was a blur and everything behind it besides very small snippets of memory were dark and missing. All he remembered in his childhood besides the bullying was seeing the headlights, hearing the tires, trying to run and then waking up in the hospital. His entire life from the early fourth grade and back was erased via a car bumper.

He heard his door creak open. He looked up to find Arminius closing the door behind his back.

"Ludwig…"

Luddy gave a silent nod, barely a lift of his chin. Arminius walked over to his side, sitting on the bed. He looked at Ludwig with worry. Ludwig looked at him like a little child again.

"What happened….in Italy's hospital room? What did you see?"

Ludwig looked at Arminius, flabbergasted. How dare he just shove at it like it was nothing, like it was just another thing? He didn't sound worried, or helpful! He was just trying to find out again, to shove it in his face like he did the last time. He huffed out a sigh, and turned his head the other way, refusing to make any sort of eye contact.

"Nothing, I saw nothing. It was just a bad dream. It wasn't a repeat of last time" he said roughly.

Arminius sighed, tugging on one of his shoulders. Ludwig reluctantly looked at him again, hugging his knees closer.

"We both know that's a lie. What did you…"

"NOTHING, ALRIGHT?!" Arminius back up as Ludwig's face grew red in anger. Said German uncurled from a ball, and stood tall on his floor, shouting over his shoulder as he walked-raged over to the other side of the room.

"I SAW NOTHING, because that's what I can make up of it! Nothing! It was just a fucking fluke that something happened, and it doesn't make sense! I've been trying and trying my hardest to find connections, to find reason behind it, but it's like fucking scrabble! Nothing matches up! For two solid goddamned weeks I've been dreaming and daydreaming and thinking about it, trying not to drive myself mad with trying to decipher it!

"It's rotting me from the inside, Arminius! Why do you think I'm sleeping now in the middle of the day?! First it shows me almost get hit another fucking car, well I really didn't that that's beside the point, and it's fucking soaking wet and cold, and then the building, THE BUILDING! HA! It must of just been a way to fuck with my head like LAST TIME! IT WON'T GO AWAY! I'm so sick and tired and exhausted from it! Nothing makes sense and I've been faking happiness and innocence because I didn't want to upset Feli! He deserves to be happy, not worried that I'm losing my mind like I am RIGHT NOW TELLING YOU ALL OF THIS!"

Arminius stood frozen on the other side of Ludwig's bed, watching as his face grew redder and brighter, and his breathing becoming erratic. He was stressed, and desperate. It was a reliving of his past all over again, truly it was. He paced for a bit before turning sharply in Arminius' direction, then walking up to his desk and slamming his hands down with a loud bang. He pointed at Arminius and continued on with the rant.

"AND YOU'RE JUST REPEATING LIFE BY BEING IN HERE! You're going to listen to my crazy, made-up fairytale like last time, and push to the side and LET ME ROT IN SOME PSYCHOLOGIST'S OFFICE TRYING TO CONVINCE ANOTHER DEAF ADULT THAT WHAT I SAW WAS REAL. Maybe this time it could happen again, for real! I could just be wandering around, and get hit by ANOTHER CAR! I could lose my memories again, and that would kill Feli! Feli, god dammit! What am I going to do with him? I can't tell him because it would get him worried, and I could hurt him with the insanity of this, and I don't! But I'm so fucking worried that this INVOLVES HIM! What if he gets hurt, or gets run over?!

"And what if the Jail has to do with something? What if one of us ends up there? Maybe one of us kills someone, and then we end up in smoke and ash! What If I have to watch as Feli BURNS?! God dammit, STOP IT!"

"Ludwig, CALM DOW-"

"YOU CALM DOWN, OLD MAN!" Ludwig roared at him walking away from his bed and chucking a pencil at him, lodging the flying weapon in the bookcase behind him a few yards away, way off its mark. "I'M TRYING TO THINK! You're just standing there, watching me melt down and freak the fuck out over NOTHING LIKES IT REALLY IS NOTHING! Well, let me tell YOU, IT'S NOT!"

"I know that Ludwig, god dammit! RELAX FOR A GODDAMN SECOND! I CAN help you through this like I did last time, face-to-face-" Arminius roared back, stomping up near him. Ludwig backed up, and continued shouting at him and pacing around.

"THEN YOU TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHY THIS VISION ENDED WITH THE PERSONIFY PENITENTIARY AND JAIL GOING UP IN FLAMES?! TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHY I WAS NEAR THAT HELLHOLE! I need to SO badly, that's my problem?! Why I am TELLING YOU!? It was there, and I could remember the disgusting summer where I was almost raped and shanked to death and to add to the shit, bullied up one wall, thrown to another and bullied up THAT ONE! LITERALLY, did I ever tell you THAT?! Maybe so, but you DIDN'T LISTEN, or you FORGOT?"

Arminius started to speak again, trying to get Ludwig to come back down to Earth, to speak with some sort of sense. Ludwig had dove off that deep end, convinced that he didn't get any relief, or wasn't supported, but always bullied and left alone to rot in his torture chambers. Arminius wanted to get his Ludwig back, but Ludwig dismissed him off with a wave of a hand.

"You know what, FUCK IT. There's no point staying here and telling you this shit, because you've never cared! I'm going out, and you're not stopping me even if you fucking shoot my ass. I'm DONE!"

Ludwig stomped out of the room, growling as he went past Arminius, who called after him with no luck. Every time Ludwig's name passed through Arminius' lips, Ludwig shouted 'Fuck off' in rebuttal. He DID NOT want to be interrogated, he did NOT want to be helped, and he did not need anyone breathing down his neck. He wanted to be alone and surrounded by silence to figure this the fuck out. He never needed help, because anytime they send him somewhere for 'help' he came back none the better. He stomped down the stairs, spotting Gilbert as he raced through the front door with his usual goofy smile on his face. Why was he happy? He needed to be happy, he had Feli back. He had his life back, but NO. This goddamn vision had to FUCK with his head! Gilbert noticed him and gave him a wave. He got a growl and the finger back as Ludwig slammed the backdoor open and left it there as he went into the wide backyard leading into the forest.

Gilbert stood stunned in the foyer, watching the disappearing figure of his younger brother. He blinked once, twice before Arminius joined him in watching Ludwig from the house, watching him kick out at a tree, sending pine cones falling around him in a bit of halo, one conking him in the head. He yelled out, grabbed the pine cone, and chucked it at the backdoor. It sailed into the house, and barely missed Gilbert as he dodged the flying projectile.

"Is it because of…." Gilbert looked down at the pine cone, picking it up and noticing the dents in it, and the missing pieces. Arminius nodded in a silent confirmation. Gilbert sighed in sorrow, until he noticed someone coming out of the woods, and let his eyes widen in alarm.

"Feli's back…."

Feliciano silently crept out of the woods, small satchel in arms. His usual smile was planted on his face, cheeks dusted pink from the hike up the sloping hills behind him. It was Saturday, so he went to the local stream and just sat on the banks and sketched the things around in the woods. It really was a near paradise here; he could draw or paint anything. There was so much to use as subjects. He silently pulled a branch from the ground, swinging around like a sword, jabbing at another tree. The weekends were always fun.

Ever since returning to his 'home', life was back to what he wanted it to be. Ludwig and himself were growing closer, going out on small, semi-romantic dates ever so often, stealing kisses in the night, and enjoying life together. He was back at calling Arminius 'nonno', and now was starting to call Gilbert his 'brother'. Even more so, he was learning a bit of German, since the fights that broke out rarely were almost all in German, he took up the task to learn the language. Ludwig was helping him, and in exchange he learned some Italian. It was really cute when Ludwig's slight accent made his Italian sound a bit chopped, but he loved it forever when he said he loved him in Italian. He could only guess what Ludwig felt when he said the three little words in German.

"Ich liebe dich" Feli whispered in the air. He giggled as he turned to the open expanse of the yard, and whispered it again, just under his breath. He didn't know why, but saying it made him comfortable. He spotted, not far from the only other gaggle of trees in the actual yard, Ludwig, who looked like he was nervously pacing. Feli let out a sigh, tugging his satchel full of art supplies and sketches, and started his way toward Ludwig. He hated that fear started to fill him as he grew closer.

For about two weeks, Ludwig had become rather….different. He would freak out at random times, looking out the window and watching cars pass the house, throwing himself away from the window and back into his seat when a blue car would pass. He would spend nights just tossing and turning, unable to sleep fully. He knew that Ludwig would sit out front of his door a lot of nights, trying to lull himself to sleep. He never however went inside his room to talk to him, or cuddle with him anymore. It was, if he had his day's right, day five without any relationship stuff with him. He stayed in his room, went to school, feared crossing the road more so than usual, and freaked out in heavy lightning storms or really any rain storm. He was becoming something else, controlled by fear and pressure. Feli had begun to think of doubts, of some reason behind the pressure that seemed to control him.

As he grew in range of seeing his face, Ludwig had simply stopped pacing, and leaned up against the tree, picking absently at a pinecone in his hand. He didn't look well to Feli. Parts of his hair were thrown askew from its slicked-back style, framing his face in an odd-yet-alluring way. His eyes looked bloodshot almost, and his face was dusted an odd shade of red. He kept his vision trained on the pinecone, picking away the protective skin with ferocity. Feli came up silently, and leaned on the other side of the tree. He peeked over his shoulder, and finally spoke.

"Hi there Luddy"

Ludwig twisted against the tree, staring at him with intense eyes. His eyes really were a bit bloodshot. Feli stared back into them, innocence bubbling in them. Ludwig did not respond, did not do anything to say hi back. He instead growled and turned back, bracing himself from it and walking away. Feli stood there flabbergasted himself. Ludwig was ignoring him now? He huffed and started to stomp toward him, a childish angry facial expression on his face.

"Ludwig, stop! Why aren't you-"

Ludwig turned his head sharply over one shoulder, face growing red. His voice rose over every sound Feli could hear, shutting him up and tearing him apart.

"What!? WHAT do you want! I'm trying to get myself together, and YOU have to come in all sunshine and shit to HELP?! What is wrong with you!?"

Ludwig then turned his body halfway, pointing an accusing index finger at Feliciano, who stood frozen in his place, staring with wide eyes starting to brim with tears.

"Why can't you fucking GET IT, you…you. Gah, I don't CARE what you are, why can't you LEAVE ME ALONE!? I'm going off the deep end trying to KEEP YOU SAFE, and yet every time I get close YOU FUCK IT UP! DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND ANYTHI-" As Ludwig finally faced Feli completely, snapping his eyes open, he dropped his words like stones in the ocean.

Dead stop. Everything stopped dead as if it were frozen in ice. Arminius and Gilbert froze in the back screen door, watching as Ludwig verbally slapped Feli over the face with words he would never think of. Ludwig had drove off the edge, and crossed a line he would never forget, and never be able to forgive. It had done its damage; hit its mark with marksman accuracy. The demon now festering inside Ludwig laughed as the tears fell down Feli's quaking frame, his face turning red in embarrassment and disbelief. The tears fell down quickly in great streams, the sketchbook in his satchel falling without notice. Ludwig froze mid-point, watching as he scarred his best friend, his boyfriend, the only fucking person to live in perfect harmony with him, cry and break down over rage-filled words he would regret for a lifetime.

He drew back a hand, covering his mouth. Feli sniffled hard twice, before taking a step back. He then pivoted an ankle, and bolted away from the world, from Ludwig, with an arm covering his face. Ludwig barely had time to unfreeze, trying to race after the faster male. He called out for him repeatedly, tears streaking behind him as he watched Feli disappear down the street sobbing with no ends. Ludwig stopped after a few more steps, and slammed down to his knees, his arms bracing him in an arch. He crossed the line, he had ruined everything. He let his anger and confusion and despair get the best of him, and he paid the ultimate price. He paid the price he never wanted to, because now he set them down a road of no return, of no redo. He had pushed away his grandfather's help and now…

He pushed away his happiness because he snapped. The tears fell on to the ground between his hands, slowly forming a puddle in which he watched his face contort in despair once more. It was an ugly look, not much better than the raging one he had on earlier. He screamed out, pounding the ground, cursing himself to high hell. He pushed his elbows to the ground, setting his forehead to the puddle, feeling the forming mud press on his forehead. He didn't care if he got muddy. He didn't fucking care if something happened to him right now. Slowly, he could feel rain start to splatter on his back, soaking him. He still didn't care. He wouldn't care if he was struck by lightning.

He just wanted a reset button so he could have his Feliciano back.

The rest of the day was dark and depressive. During the storm, as lightning chained together outside the window, Feli came home soaked to the bone, face still flushed red. Ludwig watched the window, letting the lightning flash in his eyes. He wasn't freaking out, Feli noticed before his own grief swallowed him again. As Ludwig turned, and looked at Feli, the Italian lowered his eyes and walked up the stairs silently, making eye contact only when he reached the stairs.

Ludwig quickly followed the retreating figure, tears building up again. Gilbert and Arminius watched painfully from the kitchen, both men nursing beers in one hand. Gil picked up his phone, and noticed the late time. He showed it to Arminius, and both men sighed in defeat. They took another swig of their beers.

"What do we do, Army?" Gilbert said softly.

"We can't do anything, Gil. We have to let it take its course" Arminius said in response, taking an extra sip of beer. He would need it.

As Ludwig followed quickly, and only succeeded in getting a door slammed in his face, he called out to Feli, who refused to open the door. Feli continued to deny access through an hour of protest, until Ludwig broke down once more, kneeling on both knees and lying on his side on the door, sobbing out incoherent words, only able to form a few sentences at a time. His tears were silent this time.

"Please, Feli…." He was given no answer, but a soft snore echoed in the ear pressed to the door. Feli had fallen asleep as Ludwig tried to explain. He let out a soft sob, and curled up propped against the door. He let his tears-filled eyes shutter close, and felt the cold embrace of sleep wrap around him. He didn't like the feel, but loved it at the same time. It was his only friend now, and now he walked through his mental blank slate without Feli's eye's leading him through. He wandered until he sat down silently, curling up in a ball and driving the dreams away. His sleep was dark and without dreams.

When dawn finally rose, no one would notice that both Feli and Ludwig fell asleep on that door, each boy on one side with tears in their eyes.

Sunday passed with awkward meetings, another dose of silence and sadness, and Ludwig dragging himself out to get fresh air. His mind was straight and clear from the horror of trying to figure out the dream. It didn't wander in his mind like a ping-pong ball. Only as he walked through the park, watching the sinking sun through the trees, looking down at his hand as orange and yellow light rippled like waves over his palm, did he really start to think about what to do now that he ruined his life by snapping at his love.

He wouldn't go to the extremes and hurt himself again. He knew that if he did, Feli would quickly follow and all would be lost. He's tried apologizing, trying to get him the truth, but Feli was pushing him back. His only hope now was to see what would happen now and just hope that he could admit his wrongs to Feli.

He walked home in silence, and only patted Feli's shoulder as he disappeared into his room and did not come back out for any reason. Feli was left confused as he tried to get him out. He as well did not leave his room the rest of the day.

Monday came along, and the three boys set off for school. Gilbert munched on his usual lightly burnt toast, while Ludwig and Feli walked with only a bit of toast from earlier. They weren't that hungry anymore. Gilbert trailed behind them, letting the boys hover oddly next to each other. Feli peeked at Ludwig before they enter school ground, and let his hand waver over Ludwig's' brushing their fingers together. Ludwig blushed immediately and bolted away, tugging one side of his backpack back onto the shoulder. Feli though turned right, walking to the terraces now covered with spring vines. Antonio and Francis stood in waiting in one of them, and welcomed Feli inside the tree-shaded home. They watched as Ludwig hovered near a few students in the courtyard.

"What's going on, Feli?" Antonio asked after a brief moment of silence, noting the distance between the two. Feli looked at Ludwig as he stood next to his new friends, and watched as Ludwig made eye contact, only to smile very weakly like he was sorry for something, and turn into the school. Before Francis could ask the same thing, Feli swallowed down his pride, and voiced his fear.

"I…..I think Ludwig's cheating on me"