Chapter 9: If Only ( youtube = watch?v=ZVTiG6-cLtU)

Memo: Wow! So I can't believe I've gotten to this part already! Haha, I was sitting here writing, and then I looked at my chapter layout, and I said, "WHOA! This scene already! That went by fast!" Hope you enjoy it! :D (PS: No Kenzie, just Roxas. PPS: It's five months after the last time we met with Roxas (chapter 7), not five months after the events of the previous chapter (chapter 8). But it IS after the events in chapter 8, by a few days.)

five months later

roxas' pov

"Good morning, Emi," you say, walking into the familiar room. Emi appears to have just woken up.

"...Is it just me or do you get me up earlier every time you come in here?" she grumbles, pulling the sheets up over her head.

"It's just you. I come in at the same time every time," you assure her. She mutters something that you can't hear, so you ignore her. "How are you today?"

"How do you always manage to be so polite?" she asks, peering out from under the blankets. Her brown eyes search yours.

"The same way you manage to be immature-lots of discipline and practice," you reply. She huffs a sigh of defeat.

"Fair enough. So, what do have to say to me today?"

"Answer my question, first. How are you?"

Emi pauses, thinking this over. "I guess I'm okay. I'll feel better when I can see Carly."

You don't say anything at first. To be honest, you're a little surprised Emi has become so attached to her daughter.

"Are you still considering giving Carly up for adoption?"

"I knew you were going to ask me that," Emi growls. "And yes, I am. Does that make you feel better?"

"..."

"...Sorry. I don't mean to sound harsh. I know you've been having a rough time lately, too."

You raise an eyebrow at Emi, and she does it right back.

"What do you mean by-"

Suddenly the door across the room opens, and Yuffie walks in holding Carly, Emi's three-month-old daughter.

"Hello, my darling," Emi says, sitting upright and taking Carly into her arms.

Yuffie says nothing to either of you. She hasn't talked to you directly ever since you called her and Aerith bitches, and neither has Aerith. In fact, it seems like you've been losing your friends slowly but surely since then. When Leon and Cloud found out about the fight, they-obviously-took the girls' side, and so now they're avoiding you, too. Cid suggested that you try to apologize, and when you refused to-because you aren't sorry-he blew up at you.

So right now you've got Pence, Olette, and Hayner to talk to, and your patients. And who knows how much longer any of it will last. The stress might kill you first.

"That's what I mean," Emi says suddenly, tearing you out of your thoughts. "Yuffie doesn't talk to you anymore; don't think I haven't noticed. And neither does Aerith, or Leon, or Cloud, or that old fat-ass."

"Cid?" you offer

"Yeah, that's the one. They don't talk to you anymore, and I don't understand why."

"..." You don't respond. It's none of her business, anyway.

"Does it have to do with that little girl who left you?" Emi asks, breaking the silence. You sigh. "Yeah, I can tell by that sigh that it does. What happened?"

"...Let's just say...she's having a much easier time moving on than I am," you explain. "Yuffie and Aerith and I got into an argument about it, and now...well, everything is messed up."

"Tell me about it," Emi says with a small sigh. "You know, Roxas, life never goes how you want it to, so you might as well be thankful you still exist, because some people don't even have that."

Ugh...that was the exact opposite thing you needed to hear.

Thankfully, the door opens again, and this time Hayner walks in.

"Hey, Roxas, if you're done, can I talk to you for a minute?" he asks, smiling at you and Emi.

"Yeah, I'll be out in just a minute," you assure him, smiling back. You're lucky you still have him, at least. Despite the fact that sometimes he's tactless, he's a good friend.

"Well, I'll talk to you later, then," you tell Emi, who is gently playing with the soft tufts of brown hair on Carly's head.

"Okay, Roxas. Good luck."

Good luck? What's that supposed to mean?

Instead of replying, you simply smile, and to your surprise, Emi smiles back, unusually genuine.

"What's up?" you ask Hayner when you enter your office. He's sitting in a chair across from your small desk, like he's here on some sort of business meeting. But you know him better than that, and therefore you know that he's just sitting there waiting for you.

Closing the door behind you, you go ahead and sit down in your chair.

"Roxas, do you know what this is?" Hayner asks, holding out something to you. You figure it's some mysterious object from the scene of a crime or something, but all it is is a clock.

"Uh, a clock?" you reply, raising an eyebrow. He nods as you take it out of his hands.

"And what do clocks keep track of?"

"Time?" What's his point?

"Roxas, what are you running out of?"

"...If this is an attempt to make me laugh, it's having the opposite effect," you mutter.

"It's not. I'm being dead serious right now." Hayner leans over the desk, looking you straight in the eye. "I'm telling you this because you're my best friend, and I can tell you're miserable. You need to let her go."

"Hayner..."

"C'mon, man! She's not coming back!" Hayner throws his hands up in the air. "It's just like with Namine! She's not coming back! Move on already!"

"Hayner, trust me," you interrupt. "If it were that easy, I would've already done it months ago. But it's not as simple as everyone assumes."

"Why? See, that's the other thing. Both you and Mackenzie are keeping us in the dark about why you guys split in the first place. Maybe if you told us-"

"It was a mistake to tell her in the first place, so there's no way I'm telling you, or anyone else."

"Ah ha ha," Hayner says, smirking at you. You feel like a little kid being interrogated for something stupid. "So it's not about her secrets. It's about yours."

"...I won't deny that," you reply, holding your head high.

"Well, what did you tell her that freaked her out so badly that she left?"

"Something I'm never going to repeat."

"Hah. You fell right into that trap, man." You give Hayner a puzzled look. "You just confirmed that a secret of yours is, in fact, why Mackenzie left. So now all you need to do is-"

"Hayner, you think I'm just being stubborn, but I'm not." You sigh, frustrated. "This is what I'm going to tell you, and this is all I'm going to tell you: I am not who you think I am. Namine and Riku were the only people who knew that for a long time, until Kenzie came around. After Namine died, I thought maybe I would be able to trust her with my secrets, so I told her. I wish I wouldn't have, because now we wouldn't be in this mess.

"I don't care how much you decide to antagonize me, because I'm never going to tell you or anyone else what I did-I'm never going to make that mistake again. But leave Kenzie alone. She didn't do anything wrong; she was just curious like you guys are now. I don't blame her for leaving-I blame myself. And that's why it's a lot harder for me to get over this than it is for her."

The room falls silent; the air is thick with your words, and it almost feels like it's getting warmer because of it.

"...I have to say, man," Hayner says at last in a low voice, "I'm...really disappointed in you. All this time, I've really looked up to you. I've always seen you as someone stronger than who you really are."

"I'm not strong at all," you state honestly.

"I can see that now."

It's silent again. A few minutes pass by like that before Hayner continues.

"I'm not going to be like the others and not talk to you, but until you can be honest with me, I'm not so sure I should keep you as such a close friend."

"Then we might as well say goodbye," you say quietly.

Hayner sighs. "You're really never going to tell me, are you?"

"No," you reply.

"...I don't understand you."

"Yeah, well, nobody really does except one person, and like you said, she's not coming back."

"But why-"

"Hayner, do you trust me?" you ask suddenly, leaning across the desk to look at him. This is such an important question, and you can tell he gets it.

"...I don't know anymore," he answers, shaking his head. He thinks for a moment, then replies, "I guess I still do, yeah."

"Then listen to me very carefully: if anyone else, and I mean ANYONE else, found out about what just Kenzie and I know, I would die. I would be killed. So consider my secrecy as a fight for my life."

Hayner remains quiet, as you would expect him to after hearing such a testimony.

"...Okay." Hayner finally nods. "I still don't completely agree with you, but I guess I understand now more than I did."

"Thanks for that," you say, smiling. "You have no idea how much I really needed to hear that."

"Should I say anything to Yuffie or Aerith or-"

"No, don't worry about them." You frown a little. "As long as they're going to be secretive with me, I'll be secretive with them."

"...It's too bad it has to be this way," Hayner murmurs. You sigh, letting out a tired laugh.

"Trust me, Hayner. You don't even know the half of it."

hayner's pov

"So you talked to that jerk, huh?" Yuffie says, sneering as she sorts equipment.

"I did, actually," you reply, frowning at her attitude. "I think you guys need to apologize to Roxas and start this whole thing over."

"Oh yeah? And what makes you say that?"

"Well, I can't say too much about it, but I will say this: the reason Mackenzie left has nothing to do with her and everything to do with him."

"What a surprise."

"Yuffie, something in his past is coming back to haunt him now, and you're not helping things any," you snap, surprised at how mean you just sounded. Yuffie pauses.

"Hayner..."

"No, you don't understand what I'm saying. He needs us now more than ever, because he's to blame and he knows it. It's just...the way he's handling this is stupid. He's beating himself up over it so badly that we don't need to help, trust me."

Yuffie doesn't respond, so you continue.

"Last time I checked, he's still our friend. He has a good heart. I mean, for Pete's sake, he started this hospital, didn't he? And even after we found Namine, he kept it going. He's still going. The guy never gets a break! And while I don't necessarily feel sorry for him, I think it's stupid that we're adding more stress onto his life than he needs. Does that make sense?"

"...Hayner, there's nothing wrong with you and him staying close," Yuffie begins. "But I have Mackenzie's happiness to worry about, too. Roxas is a big boy-he can take care of himself. Mackenzie needs me and Aerith right now...now more than she ever has. The other day, I asked her a question about Roxas, and she acted like she'd never heard of him before. It's like she's trying to surpress her memories of him or something." Yuffie sighs, looking genuinely hurt. "So while I agree that life would be easier if Mackenzie and Roxas got back together, I also understand that it's not going to happen. You and Pence and Olette can take care of Roxas. I need to be there for Mackenzie."

"Last time I checked, we were all friends with each other," you say, sighing. "There were no sides. But whatever. Things are so messed up right now that it doesn't even matter anymore. But fine. If that's how you all want it to be, then fine."

You take one last look at Yuffie before you walk away. If you didn't know better, you'd say she had tears in her eyes.