Chapter 4
Okay, so it was a Tuesday and Abraham Lincoln was reading fifty shades of Gray. Part of Jace's "recommended reading" for catching up with the modern age. Oh, also Aline is a master now. That happened.
Magnus was planning how they could win this Holy Grail war. Whether this was out of the good of his own heart, or to get Aline off the couch is up for debate. Yet amongst a sea of variables and unknowns they knew one thing for certain, things were about to get interesting.
Mean while in New Jersey . . .
"Stand still so I can kill you!"
"How about, no", responded Luvia Politely.
This girl was pressing her luck. Didn't she realize she was assaulting the forklift lady, a master of Lancashire wrestling? Didn't she realize * sound of back breaking *, well she knows now.
A teenage girl was now writhing on the ground in pain. Then a big white van slammed through several walls to collide into Luvia. It was super effective!
"Raaaaaaagh!", announced the vehicles occupant.
Luvia got up, brushed off some dust, and tore off her sleeves. It was so on.
The ensuing scuffle fractured steel beams, nearly leveled a number of dance clubs, and made Luvia work up a sweat. After some time the cops arrived. Then the cops called for back up. Then the back up arrived, and every one shat their pants. It was a bloody mess.
Soon the National Guard had to be called in. Then all of the other masters started showing up out of the woodwork to get in on the action. Then all hell broke loose, on a Tuesday.
Mean while at the Ministry of Magic . . .
"Excuse me Minister fudge, some serious matters have been brought to our attention"
"Yes, yes what is it? Did the French abduct one of our national heroes again?"
"No, actually there's been another Holy Grail war-"
"Bloody Japs, didn't I warn them. When I get my hands on the Clock Tower."
"Actually the Clock Tower is British sir"
"Oh"
"Also the war is in America"
"I see"
"They've summoned George Washington"
"Ready my power armor"
New Jersey, later that day . . .
Casualties: 0
Property Damage: 260 million
Watching Heroic spirits, Mages, Shadow hunters, and sociopaths fight TO THE DEATH, priceless.
Welcome one and all to New Jersey, the happiest state on earth. To your left you'll notice what's left of the business district. To your right you can see Abraham Lincoln performing a choke slam on Andrew Jackson. If you think this is exciting you should have been here last St. Patrick's day. They had to call in the National Guard just to help clean up all the party balloons and dead leprechauns. Good times man, good times.
On a less incriminating note the battle for New Jersey continued to heat up. Above the city streets a group of shadow hunters were desperately trying to out run a president pulling off par core in a wheel chair. Simon had tried to slow their pursuer down, and gotten slammed off of a three-story building for his trouble. F.D.R. was burning rubber!
The sun was setting, the fires raged, and the forklift lady had once more met her match. Against other opponents Luvia could absorb their blows while slowly whittling down their endurance before closing in for the kill. That wouldn't work against Berserker.
Luvia should have been winning this fight. He was no Hercules, no, he was Teddy Roosevelt the manliest heroic spirit of them all. His endurance was legendary, and some one gave him a hunting knife.
Needless to say Luvia didn't stand a chance. Bit by bit, step by step she was losing the fight. It was only a matter of time before it got lucky. The Clock towers finest kept on getting pushed back until she had nowhere else to run. Then Berserker got lucky.
The first strike was easy to dodge. It was the backhand that caught her and sent her flying into a petrol station. Black and red splattered across the pavement, Berserker charged, and Luvia gave a smile worthy of Rin herself.
"Gandr!"
West Virginia Warlock Coven . . .
"Hey Dave, where did you put the Pizza"
"Bottom of the fridge, right next to the demon blood samples"
"Thanks Bro"
It was a day like any other for several warlocks of disrepute in West Virginia, then zombie Green Berets attacked.
The lights flickered and the building shook. Several Warlocks checked to see if some one had snuck some powerful hallucinogen into their weed. Also the brownies had caught fire, son of a- BoooM!
With a thunderous crack a hole was torn in the side of the kitchen. White phosphorous grenades released their payload, hiding the invaders from their sight. One of the Warlocks had the bright idea of using Witch light to help illuminate the scene. Then the lights went out.
Through the smoke and the haze walked the living dead. Their armaments still stuck in their cold dead hands. M16's, AKMs, M72 LAWs, M1 Garands, M60s, Thumpers, and a few shotguns snuck in for good measure.
" Zombies? I thought they didn't exist"
"That's Mummies Tucker"
"Oh"
The smoke cleared and the warlocks found themselves surrounded. The undead had an overwhelming numerical advantage. What kills a human kills a Warlock and most people tend to die when they are killed.
"Tucker ask them what they want"
"Dave, isn't it obvious they want our brains"
"These are proud American heroes Dave. They want the hearts and minds of the enemy, not us"
"Aren't we the "enemy" right now?"
"No Dave, even though their pointing guns at us their enemy is Charlie"
"Then why don't we just give them Charlie when he gets back from taking a piss?"
Dave face palmed, Dave's razor sharp talons made this course of action look rather painful. In the mean time one of the Arisen veterans walked forward. In a deep gravely tone it spoke.
"The Bill of rights, or your life. Executive orders"
Then JFK came into the room covered in blood. The zombies saluted and made way for the President of the United Sates. The Warlocks were understandably confused. Then JFK started beating them senseless.
New Jersey, Upon the break of day . . .
It was dark and warm. Luvia could taste something coppery. Where was she? Why could she smell Rin's perfume? Wasn't she supposed to be dead?
Shirou Emiya.
A selfless hero who didn't die when killed. The Hero who saved everyone, even if he had to break the rules of space and time to do so, even if he had to die. No, he wasn't dead yet. Then again it was hard to figure out when that boy was truly dead.
That idiot had leapt on top of Luvia at the last moment to shield her from the encroaching flames. What a fool. Now she was unconscious, he was about to die, and berserker was waking up.
He wasn't worried though. Saber had come with him. Time to show them what a real Heroic spirit looks like.
Bersker got up. In a blur he went back down. Something, some one had come out of nowhere and struck him. A glitter of steel, a war cry, gallons of blood, it was too fast for any mortal to see. In a single strike Arturia Pendragon had cut her opponent in twain. The blood of the president swam across the desecrated ruins.
Roosevelt didn't die straight away. No, instead this had granted him a brief moment of clarity. Madness was kept at bay in these last final moments. Time wouldn't stand still yet death kept its distance for the time being. Last time it had stolen him while he was sleeping, it didn't want to chance coming upon him while he was awake.
"Alice?", murmured teddy.
Tears came through. Saber turned around to hear the dead man speak.
"Alice, Forgive me", whispered Teddy.
Then Theodore gave up the ghost. It was done.
West Virginia Warlock Coven, Several unconscious Warlocks Later . . .
"Thank you very much for your assistance", said JFK.
He had found the Bill of Rights, he was covered in Garfield's blood from earlier, it was time to end this.
New Jersey, Early Morning . . .
Fires burned and Iron bent, beneath the risen sun two enemies met, yet fate would never bring them together again.
Shriou had helped Luvia walk despite being near death himself. She was tired, nearly out of mana, and partially deaf. She hadn't gotten this thrashed since the last time she fought Rin.
Across the field of rubble and shattered memories stood a familiar stranger. Old Man Joe, the man who had given her a ride, he was the Master of Archer. His Jacket was gone along with his shirt and most of his pants. Sweat dripped from every pour of his toned body. Every muscle was visible in the light of the newborn day.
Luvia looked at him in disbelief, Joe responded in kind.
"Thanks for the ride earlier"
"No problem", responded Joe.
Then Cornelius Fudge dropped in from above. Waves of energy spun wildly from his jet-black armor. The heavy mail was covered in shimmering runes and all the Badass regalia that the Ministry had the power to grant. In silver letters across the chest was written, "Magic is Might". Home daddy fudge was about to lay the smack down.
Old man Joe and Luvia exchanged looks. Then they nodded to each other and the battle was joined. Even in a near dead state Luvia was still a dangerous opponent and you wouldn't like Joe when he's Angry.
Breaths as steady as the tide, a fire burning in their eyes, and a thousand reasons not to give up. Heroes of Humanity arise!
"Gandr!", cried Luvia
"FUCK!", Screamed Joe as lightning shot from his finger tips.
The magic rebounded off of Fudges substantial magical reinforcements. Fire swirled around this dark knight and lightning turned the neighboring ground to glass. Yet the Minister of Magic was unbroken.
Then Saber showed up and Shirou got over the whole nearly being dead thing. Just like Spartacus the closer to death he got the more of a bad ass he became. Near dead Shirou is the most collectable of all Shirou's.
"Unlimited Blade Work!"
"Excalibur!"
A blinding flash of light, a deadening Cacophony, and much Win erupted forth and wiped Minister Fudge from the fabric of reality. The earth was nearly destroyed; however on the other side of the planet some blue haired girl had caught wind of this fuckery and had her friend use a shiny crystal thing to save the world. Also there were cats there for some reason, talking cats.
Shortly after that the Shadow hunters arrived and fell on the ground in a huge pile. They were exhausted and couldn't run away from FDR any more. Luvia was done fighting so she told Lancer to stand down and not brutally murder all of the strangely dressed teens.
Then President Washington showed up on a white horse.
"Children of Liberty you have done well", he then glanced over at Luvia and Shirou, "You guys are cool too I guess."
Then Washington dismounted to give Saber a Brofist.
Then Lincoln showed up. "How about we clean up this place then throw a party to celebrate us not brutally killing each other!".
Every one readily agreed and they started fixing up the city. Then they partied like no tomorrow. It was glorious, Roosevelt and Jackson were still dead, but the party was still awesome!
West Virginia Warlock Coven, the end . . .
The blood of the martyr ran down the Bill of rights, it was over. So much pain and misery finally came to an end. No more death, no more torment, now they were free and no one would ever know of the sacrifices they made upon that day for freedom. All because of those dumb mother F****** that called themselves warlocks!
If there was ever a Holy Bill of Rights war part two Kennedy vowed he would make those responsible pay for their crimes. Death would be too kind, their punishment would be much more severe. Rest assured it would include a sack of Honey badgers, Hugh Jackman, and Maid Costumes.
"It ends", whispered Kennedy.
This time he died on his own terms, this time he had a choice, this time . . . . this time. Whatever may come be it Magus or other wise he knew Americans would stand ready to answer the call. Yet it was not a burden for America to bear alone. It was a call to all the citizens of the world, a cry against the darkness that threatened to engulf us all, and a final stand against the shadows.
Kennedy died peacefully as the bindings that constrained him to this earth gently faded away. Everything must eventually come to an end.