Crumple-Horned Plot Bunnies

By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: Harry Potter isn't mine. It's owned by JK Rowling and Time Warner. Not me. Please don't sue.

These are some omakes I wrote for a TFF Harry Potter Omake Competition, with the starting line being "Um, I don't think that will fit". Here they are, make of them what you will.

"Um, I don't think that will fit."

Ron blinked as he stopped his walk through the corridor. Was that Hermione's voice coming out of that classroom? Eager to say hello, he took a few steps only to freeze at Harry's voice next.

"Sure it will! See, you just have to lubricate-"

"Yes, yes, I know, but I've barely done that!"

Ron blinked, and pressed his ear to the door. What the bloody hell are they...?

Some grunting was heard. Finally, a triumphant Harry spoke.

"See?"

"Oooh... Yes, I see," Hermione practically purred. Ron's face flushed bright red.

There's no way... No bloody way...! They wouldn't!

More grunting, and Ron's fists clenched. He felt sick. His best friends in the world, doing... That? Right in an empty classroom? Where anyone could come up and-?

"Ron? What're you-?" Neville's voice sounded obscenely loud in the still hallway, and Ron quickly slapped a hand over his mouth and pulled away from the door, the shorter round-faced boy struggling to get free.

"Mmmph! Mmph! MMPH!"

"Did you hear something?" Ron heard Harry ask. Hermione hummed.

"No, nothing... Shall we continue?"

"Definitely."

"Always did enjoy this didn't you?" Hermione teased. Ron let Neville go and turned him around, looking him right in the eyes. Neville's own were fantastically wide.

"Ron, what was-?"

"Shh! You want them to know we're listening in on them?" Ron hissed. Neville frowned.

"But, er, they've been up to it all week and-"

Bloody hell. If Neville knew about this... Proud as he was to consider Neville his friend, Ron knew he couldn't keep a secret to save his life.

"What? How many other people know about what they're doing?" Ron demanded. Neville flushed.

"Ah, er... Luna was in there to help them out a bit before..."

Luna? Ron's face blushed even harder. Harry, you lucky bastard! I can't believe that-!

"I was in there too, just heading in... Parvati, Ginny, Seamus, Dean," Neville recited. Ron's face paled.

"Fred, George, Alicia, Angelina a few times," Neville went on. Ron covered his ears.

"Stop, stop! No more!"

"Ron?" The Weasley looked up and turned his head, Neville mirroring his movements. Hermione and Harry stood there, looking flushed, with their hair and robes mussed. Ron gawked, as though seeing his best friends for the first time.

"Damnit Neville, Ron's not supposed to be here yet!" Hermione hissed. Neville hung his head.

"I know," he sighed. "Sorry, I found him listening outside and-"

"Bloody hell, what are you two-I mean-Right in a classroom? With Luna, Ginny-How many people have you had here?" Ron demanded, suddenly angry, embarrassed and actually feeling a little left out. He quickly ordered his libido to shut it-This was no time to be fantasizing.

Harry and Hermione looked honestly confused.

"Well Ron, it's... It's supposed to be a surprise," Harry began. "You know, for your birthday?"

"Surprise? What kind of surprise?" Ron demanded.

"Well, it can't exactly be a surprise if we tell you, can it?" Hermione huffed. She pushed Ron away and made him march down the hall.

"But-But-!" Ron began. Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Look, just be here tomorrow, then you can have your surprise, okay? I promise. Now just go, you big lug!"

"And don't worry about anything. We've got it all taken care of!" Harry pitched in with a grin that, in Ron's mind seemed slightly lecherous.

He headed back to the tower, mumbling to himself about sexual deviancy.

Hermione turned back to Neville and Harry, sighing.

"Great... Well, no helping it. Guess we have to get it finished by then," Hermione mumbled. Harry blushed hard, as Neville nodded.

"Yeah... Do you two need any help?" Neville asked. Hermione flushed a bit and shook her head.

"No, nothing. Thanks Neville!"

"No problem," Neville replied happily, heading off back towards Gryffindor tower. Harry smiled at Hermione, and Hermione returned it with a wicked smirk. She walked past him back into the classroom, swinging her hips a bit more than usual, while Harry followed with his eyes firmly locked on her posterior.

A finished broomstick, custom built with the latest charms and enhancements, sat finished on one desk. Hermione sat on another and spread her robes.

"So... Where were we?" Hermione purred. Harry just grinned. Ron may have been getting a brand new broomstick tomorrow, but for Harry? It was already his birthday.

"Um, I don't think that will fit."

Hermione snorted and pushed harder. "Yes it will!"

Harry rolled his eyes. "No, it won't. It's too much."

"Is not," Hermione replied childishly. Harry sighed as he looked around.

"People are staring."

"Let them stare! I will not -mmph- be denied!" Hermione ground out.

Ron blushed a bit at the stares. "Ah, lovely weather isn't it?" He could not believe his friends sometimes...

"Hermione, we can always come back," Harry tried reasonably.

"No! What if someone else gets it? I can't let that happen! No! It's going in right now, Harry James Potter, and that's that!"

"Ouch, she used your full name," Ron winced. "Guess you'd better get to it then, Harry?"

"Bugger off Ron. She's your friend too."

"She's your girlfriend."

"No she's not! She's just my friend, who happens to be a girl-"

"Whom you will never snog again unless you shut up and help me," Hermione groaned. Harry sighed.

Every time we go to the bookstore...

"Just because the label says it has 'infinite space' doesn't mean it actually does!"

"Oh sod off! I'm not waiting another month for this edition of Hogwarts, a History, so there!"

"Um, I don't think that will fit."

"Sure it will."

"Um no, it won't," Harry tried again, a hint of pleading in his tone. Ginny rolled her eyes.

"You're such a prude, Harry!"

"I'm just not into this sort of thing. Really. This is not enjoyable in the slightest-"

"Oh be a man will you! This is for my pleasure, not yours." Ginny adjusted the strap-on dildo and smirked evilly. "Now, call me Malfoy..."

"AUUUUUUGHHHHHHHH!" Harry shot up in bed, panting hard.

"Harry...? What is it?" Mumbled a sleepy-sounding Tonks next to him. Harry panted a bit, before shaking his head.

"Just... A nightmare," Harry said, taking deep breaths.

"Tell me about it?" Hermione asked, concerned. Tonks snuggled herself deeper into her sheets, upset that her "teddy bear" was occupied. Harry shook his head.

"Nah... Just another of those 'I married Ginny' dreams." Harry shuddered. "Still can't believe some of the stuff she's into!"

"Poor Dean," Hermione agreed. She smirked a little and pressed her nude body against the Boy Who Lived. "I think I know a way to take your mind off it..."

"Again? It's been five times already," Tonks moaned. Hermione rolled her eyes.

"Then go back to sleep."

Five minutes of moaning and screaming later, Tonks sighed and turned around. If you couldn't beat them, and all that...

"Um, I don't think that will fit."

Ron blinked. After the whole birthday mishap, he'd tried not to jump to any more conclusions. But it was so difficult!

"Again? Come on Harry, you know it'll fit."

"Just because it fit then doesn't mean it'll fit now, does it?"

Ron closed his eyes, trying to will himself to walk past the classroom door. It's not what you think, just keep moving...

"It couldn't have gotten that much smaller," Hermione protested.

"Oh yes it could have. You're doing something new!"

"Well... Maybe... But it'll make it better, you'll see!"

"I'm not sure..."

"Okay, that's it!" Ron shouted, storming into the classroom with his eyes covered. "I don't care what you two do, but don't do it where anyone could just stop by and see you!"

"Ron? Exactly what are you going on about?" Hermione asked, in a tone of voice he was very familiar with. It was very much like his mother's tone when she called him by his full name.

"These-These perverted games!" Still he persevered. He paled as he felt Harry's hand grab his and pull it off his eyes.

"NO! I CAN'T-! Huh?" Ron blinked. Harry was dressed in some strange, mostly black outfit, with wide poofy pants that made it look like he was wearing a dress. A red chain of charms went over one shoulder, holding what looked like a gigantic steak knife wrapped in bandages. His hair was dyed orange.

Hermione, standing nearby, was dressed in an orange-long sleeved shirt, a yellow scarf, and tight purple pants, all of which served to enhance her decent figure. Her hair was dyed purple and styled in a ponytail, with two cowlicks on either side of her head that resembled cat ears. Her arms were crossed over her chest as she glared at him.

"You call this perverse?" Hermione asked flatly. "We're just doing a bit of cosplay and-"

"No! No! I don't want to hear it you sickos! Lalalala, lalala lalalalala!" Ron sang frantically, covering his ears and running out of the empty classroom. Harry sighed.

"Maybe the wizarding world isn't ready for an anime con?" Harry suggested. Hermione scoffed.

"Maybe Ron isn't, but the rest certainly are. Luna's Nell costume is perfect!"

"It is that," Harry replied, resisting the urge to drool at the memory.

Hermione tugged at his shoulder, smirking in a very cat-like way.

"Now, where were we...?"

"Huh? Oh, yes," Harry coughed, before scowling. "So, what do we do first for bankai training, Yoruichi-san?"

"That's simple," Hermione purred. "Take off your clothes."

Well, you get a clichéd starting line, you get clichéd snippets in result…