Chapter 10
Savior
(Marluxia)
That' s when she said I don't hate you boy, I just want to save you while there's still something left to save. That's when I told her I love you girl but I'm not the answer to the questions that you still have, one thousand miles away. There's nothing left to say, but so much left that I don't know. We never had a choice, this world is too much noise. It takes me under, it takes me under once again. -Rise Against
Air shot up out of the vent behind me, sending a chill down my spine. I leaned back against it, the cold welcome. It was February, meaning that the heat was turned up to an unbearable temperature in the damned building. Everyone who wandered the halls everyday around me must have been cold-blooded. No one else seemed to be bothered by the unbearable warmth. In fact, most of them seemed to welcome it.
I found my vent one day during the summer while I was literally crawling across the floor trying to find cold. The vent was back in a corner where two walls met, with two shabby bookcases in the lounge leaning against either wall. Sitting in it I wasn't exactly hidden, but I could be seen from only one half of the room. When winter and the heaters struck, I discovered that my vent still gave off cold air. I didn't think anything of it, didn't try to figure out why it did. I simply embraced it, leaning back against the corner. Usually, most people left me alone when I was there, shrinking back as far back as I could into what little shadow there was.
I watched Vexen from my spot, sitting at his usual place at one of the rickety card tables, flipping through a book that was losing its cover. He was such a creature of habit. By now he must have gone through all the books here thrice, there weren't very many and he spent almost his entire time in here looking through one of them.
He despised me; I had always been able to tell. And yet since we had been….involved, I could always catch him throwing glances towards me, especially when he didn't think I was watching. He spent most of the time ignoring me, unless I made a point to come to his room, where he had no choice but to pay attention.
I hated how suddenly needy I felt sometimes. It had to be because of Saix. There was no other explanation. I was independent; I didn't need anyone to take care of me. Saix, all his fault. I didn't recognize myself anymore when I stared into a mirror. Being here was causing more problems for me than before. I should have never tried to roll that damn car. Originality does not give you bonus points when trying to kill yourself.
The memory of that day began to press against the fringes of my mind. I pushed back against them, focusing on Axel, who was just staring blankly out the window. He glanced over at me for a millisecond, before focusing back on the outside world. Ever since his meltdown over a week ago, he had been giving me strange looks, as if I had done something I couldn't remember. I wanted to ask him, but something deeper down was telling me not to.
"Looks like the snow closed the roads. We had to cancel all visitations today and tomorrow." A nurse crossed directly in front of me, talking to a monitor that was leaning against the wall, looking bored.
"Again?" He sighed. "I'm not ready to deal with upset mentals again." He rubbed his hands over his eyes. Clearly they didn't realize that I was sitting a mere few feet away. I slowed my breathing, focusing on not moving.
Mentals. That was their nickname for us. As if they were higher up on the food chain in life; they were the lions, and we were the dumb wildebeests that would follow each other off of a cliff. Well, lions spent two-thirds of their day sleeping, unaware and so obliviously secure in their place in the circle of life.
An unexpected pang hit my stomach. My mother was meant to come see me today. Early evening, I'll be there. She had said. She hadn't come to see me since shortly before Thanksgiving, always claiming work wouldn't let her off for a few hours, saying she was too worn out at night and just wanted to relax. Seeing me wasn't relaxing. I was her disappointment, the biggest let down in her life.
She wouldn't have come anyway. I told myself as the monitor and nurse walked away, still complaining about their jobs.
"Why are you sulking in this corner like a bad child who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar?" Larxene was suddenly peering down at me, her hands poised on her hips.
"I'm not in the mood for you." My eyes bored into hers, but she didn't budge. Instead she sat down on the floor by my feet, placing her feet on the side of the bookcase. She stared straight ahead at the brown paneling.
"Damn, it's cold over here. Why are you over here anyway?" She glanced out the window at the blowing ice crystals.
"This entire building is on fire. It always is whether the sun is beating down or there is five feet of snow outside. I can't take it constantly like that." She trilled, leaning her head back against the wall.
"I don't understand you sometimes. You do the strangest things, its entertaining." She smiled brightly at me.
"I'm not a cold-blooded snake like you." She only laughed again.
"Yes darling, but you can be a cold-hearted snake. That's why we get along so well." She sighed almost in content, stretching her legs out higher up the bookcase, trapping me in even more.
"But seriously; I don't know how long I can take talking to you right now. I'm freezing. If you wanted cold so much, just go jump in the snow. I'm sure that will cool you down real quick." She shivered fiercely, most of it mocking and fake.
"You don't understand Larxene." I looked over her head at the clock on the wall, seeing how much time I had until she would be forced to go away.
"Oh sure I do. Too many late night romps with Saix; I'm sure I would be hot all the time too." Her traditional sweet smile crossed her face as she stared up at the ceiling.
"Let me be for once will you? And no, that's not why. It is just unbearably hot in the damned place, all the time." I hissed under my breath, hoping not to attract too much more attention. Since she had sat down, several people have looked over at us more than once, swiveling their heads around to try and see who she was talking to.
"Come on Marluxia, you know you love me! And I know you well enough by now to know when something is bothering. So come on, confide in me for once. It's not like I'm going to tell anyone. You are the only one I share all the gossip with." She scooted at close as she could to me, her voice dropping down to a whisper. "Alright, spill princess."
"Larxene, it's nothing." I whispered back.
"You'll feel better if you tell someone. And I know you aren't going to tell Saix, so you might as well tell me." She persisted; keep her eyes steady on mine. Her sarcastic tone was gone, and she almost seemed sincere. But I knew better.
"You say you know me well by now, and I know you too. You have no concern of what is bothering me, you only want blackmail and something new to poke at me about." More cold air shot out of the vent, and I gratefully accepted its presence again, reveling in the goose bumps it produced.
"No, I really do want to know. You'll feel better."
I contemplated it, returning her steady gaze. Finally I sighed, looking away. "My mother was supposed to come and visit me today, and she can't because of the blizzard." Larxene was silent, still watching me, as if she already knew there was more. "She hasn't bothered to hardly talk to me since before Thanksgiving, so I guess it is kind of disappointing." I could feel her still looking at me.
"Aw, so you miss your mommy?" I could hear the smile in her voice. My throat burned. I knew I shouldn't have told her. But just as soon as she had spoken, she sighed. "I guess I can understand that. You're her biggest disappointment right?"
My eyes rose to look at her face again, a mask of seriousness. "How do you know that?" The corner of her mouth cricked up.
"Well, I guess I don't know directly, since both of my parents have been supportive of me." I started to reply but she cut me off. "Yea, yea I know that's strange right? Everyone else's parents are either embarrassed are disappointed or emotional wrecks and smothering like Demyx's mother. But mine are supportive, maybe a little too much. They believe that this is just one of those bumps in the road in my life and it will make me successful when I'm older." She snorted. "But anyway, it is my aunt that is the problem. She is this big success story, and she refuses to acknowledge me as part of the family anymore. She is always bothering my parents to dump me and make me live on my own when I get out of here. They haven't budged yet, but I sometimes get afraid that they will, and when I get out I'll have no place to go." She took in a deep breath and let it out. She had been staring straight ahead of her, lost in her story.
"I've never heard you talk that much without pointing out someone's flaw." I said, unable to take my eyes off of her. Her face was soft and she almost looked like a small girl, lost in her own world. Her eyes weren't gleaming with unrequited joy, no snide remark poised on her lips.
"Yea I know. But I figured since you were so insecure about your problems, you would feel better about telling me your issues if I let you know that I'm not as perfect as I look." The familiar smirk twitched across her lips. She finally looked away from the ceiling and back at me.
"Trust me Larxene; you never could pull of perfect." She giggled softly.
"Yea well, only you figured that out." She stretched out as far as the small space would let her, yawning and looking strangely content. "And if you tell anybody, just remember; I know where you sleep." She shivered again and stood, looking around the room.
"Oh look, it's almost lunch time." She looked back at me, her face no longer soft and contemplating, but back to its usual composure. "Nothing leaves the corner, right?" She didn't bother to wait for my reply, but waltzed off, patting Roxas on the head as she passed him. He spun around, giving her a strange look. She kept walking, disappearing around the side of the bookcase so I couldn't see her anymore.
"She's a strange one, you know that?" I didn't bother to turn around to look at him. When I didn't bother to answer him he changed the subject.
"Some weather huh? Hollow Bastion is such as weather dump. It's weird, because Radiant Garden doesn't have crazy stuff like this. Seriously tornadoes on New Year's Eve? I bet it will be sunny tomorrow and all the snow will melt." He was rambling. About weather of all things too.
"Lumaria, I don't really care right now." I heard him shift positions.
"You're upset about your mom, aren't you?" He said softly, suddenly sentimental.
"Just because I told Larxene it doesn't change how I feel about it." I said. Air had stopped coming out of the vent, though cold air still lingered in the corner. I focused on it, knowing all too well that it would soon diffuse and it would be hot again.
"I didn't think it would. Why did you tell her anyway though? That's not like you. You hardly tell anyone your problems; it's even hard for me to get things out of you sometimes."
"They are not problems; they are stupid little annoyances that shouldn't matter." Axel heard me, glancing over at our direction. Instead of looking away this time, he kept looking at me. I knew that he knew who I was talking to. The look in his eyes was one I had never seen on Axel. He looked curious but haunted at the same time. Lumaria noticed I wasn't paying attention to him anymore and leaned around the bookcase.
"Who are you looking at?" He asked, scanning the room until he spotted Axel, who had turned and started to walk away.
"Lumaria." I said slowly, watching Axel walk away from the window, glancing back at us once as we went. "Did you do something to him?"
"To Axel?" He was still watching him too. "What makes you think that?"
"He has been acting strange around me since he had that breakdown last week that ended him up in the hospital wing. And just now he heard me answer you, and he knows who I'm talking to even though he can't see you. I haven't done anything, so it must be you."
Lumaria looked positively startled and looked back at me. "Of course not. Why would I? And even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to." He seemed completely confused and slightly upset.
"It has to be you. What did you do?" Nurses were now moving around the room, gathering people to take them to the dining hall.
"Mar why would I? Why are you accusing me of this?" He was angry now, throwing his hands around as he spoke.
"I'm not accusing you; I just want to know if you did." I kept my voice smooth and calm, a contrast to his at the moment.
"Well I didn't do shit!" He cried, still throwing his hands around as if he didn't know what to do with them. He mood swings wore on me.
"Lumaria calm down, it's just a simple question." He gritted his teeth and refused to look at me.
"Yea sure, I know what you're getting at."
"Would you just listen to me for a second and stop…"
"Marluxia? Who are you talking to?" A nurse was looking down at me, her eyes darting around my small corner.
"No one." I stood up quickly, indicating that she should move out of the way. Lumaria was still there, watching the nurse with narrowed eyes.
"I am not no one!" He hissed, pushing away from the wall and following after me and the nurse.
"What did you want me to tell her? They don't believe that you're real." I shot back at him under my breath. The lounge was all but empty, everyone already in the hallway. The nurse had started talking to another, obliviously ignoring me whisper harshly at the air.
"Why don't you just tell her you were talking to me?" He pressed, refusing to let it drop.
"Because that's the whole reason I'm here in the first place! If I want out, I need to convince them that you aren't there anymore." I retorted. We turned into the hallway. Already the heat was setting back in, making every movement slightly uncomfortable.
"Fine, fine." He said, crossing his arms and looking away from me.
"Oh come on you've known that since I came here." He kept ignoring me, looking to the other side.
Finally he sighed. "Yea I know. I just don't want you to actually want to get rid of me." He said, still not looking at me.
"Lumaria I couldn't get rid of you if I wanted to, and trust me, sometimes I've really felt like it." Despite the last part, he smiled.
"Yea well sometimes I'm not fond of you either." He was still smiling, so I could tell that he wasn't serious. "But you need me Marluxia."
"No I don't." True, I couldn't remember a time in my life without him, but I could survive without him.
"Yes you do. You just don't want to say it."
"No Lumaria, I really don't." He just looked away and continued smiling to himself, as if he knew a secret that no one else did. I sighed and looked away from him, wishing that he would leave. Once we reached the doors to the dining hall, he lingered for a moment, leaning sideways against the door frame.
"I have things I got to do, so I guess I'll see you later." He said, still strangely at ease. "You understand right?" He eyed me as if I looked upset or scared.
"Of course I do; why wouldn't I?" He smiled as if this reassured him. I turned and walked into the room, knowing without looking back that he was already gone.
I decided that I needed to mend things with Saix, whatever those "things" may be. He had been more and more distant to me, usually only coming to me when he wanted something or felt like he had to.
I caught him after dinner, pulling him into a near empty hallway.
"What is it?" He asked, impatient and constantly looking around, anywhere but at me.
"What is wrong?" I asked him point-blank, clearly taking him by surprise. His brow furrowed.
"What are you talking about? There is nothing wrong." He was looking straight at me now, eyes no longer wandering impatiently around the hallway.
"Then why are you constantly avoiding me? Or acting strange?" I pressed.
"I'm not." He said, not hesitating in the slightest. He seemed so sure of himself.
"Yes you are, don't try to convince me otherwise." I said. He sighed and reached out, wrapping his hands around my gently around my elbows.
"I don't mean to, I've just been busy, something that I hope you will understand. " He paused, suddenly applying pressure and pulling me closer to him. "But you know what you mean to me." He smiled, though his eyes didn't seem to hold any of the same emotion. I didn't answer, waiting to see if he would say more.
When he didn't, I spoke up. "Then spend some time with me tonight. You haven't in a long time." I tried not to sound as needy as I felt like I was being.
Immediately his smile dropped. "No Marluxia, I'm busy." He said, pulling away from me, slightly pushing me back and away from him.
"What are you busy with here?" I asked. He looked at me straight into my eyes, his own eyes suddenly eerily blank and cold.
"I'm busy." He repeated, taking another step back from me. He turned on his heel and walked away, not sparing me the chance to argue. I watched him leave, so determined to get away from me. There was a sudden pang in my chest that could be identified as hurt.
He is avoiding me. The realization of this hit me with a much bigger impact than I had expected. The first thought that crossed my mind was childish and stupid. What had I done? I had somehow made it back to my room, quickly closing the door behind me and leaning against it, staring straight ahead out of the window.
You don't need him, you don't need anybody. I thought over and over to myself. Especially to take care of you. As soon as my train of thought hit this, everything inside of me tightened, hurt spreading unexpectedly through my body, the core of it in my chest.
I had always been left to fend for myself my entire life. My parents divorced when I was young; my dad leaving so he could travel from world to world, meeting everything from lions to living rag dolls. He would call, when he remembered. That is until I called him the night before I checked into the mental institution. I had only heard from him once since then, and he was just "checking to make sure I hadn't offed myself yet." Yet. As if he expected the news any day now.
As for my mother, she never had time for me. She hadn't wanted or been ready for a child, and even thought I was now legally an adult, she still wasn't ready. My childhood was all baby-sitters and being dropped off at distant relative's houses for unknown amounts of time. My adolescent years were dotted with long nights away from my house doing things I could hardly imagine normal-lived teenagers did.
And now I had found something solid, or what I had assumed was, and immediately gotten attached without even realizing it. Until now, when something I assumed would always be there decided it couldn't be there now, didn't want to be.
My mind drifted back to my long gone father. Just checking to make sure you didn't off yourself yet son. A thought occurred to me as I sat down on my bed, pushing plant pots to the side so I could look out the window. I had never told him that I really had tried to "off" myself.
That day was burned clearly in my memory, like a wine stain on a whit carpet. I even remembered what I was thinking. The worlds would continue without batting an eye. Even when I could finally get my care to flip, be airborne, land upside down like I was aiming for. Dogs would still be barking, children crying as their ice cream hit the pavement. Blitzball, Struggle tournaments would not pause or freeze just because my life did. All these images were so clear, as if I could see them all happening simultaneously in my mind.
I could also still see Lumaria yelling, screaming at me in the passenger seat, pleading for me to stop as I kept failing to flip the car and just skidded off the road instead. But he never reached over, tried to physically stop me. And when I finally succeeded, hitting a guard rail hard enough to flip over it and down the hill, Lumaria was suddenly gone and I was to die alone.
It was about three-thirty in the morning, so I didn't expect anyone to find me until the sun was up for at least a few hours. I was staring straight ahead out of the passenger side window, not remembering exactly how I ended up in the position, unable to move if I wanted to. Everything was getting fuzzy. It was almost like feeling like falling asleep, but different. I could feel it, the finality of closing my eyes.
And then abruptly I was alert, and screaming. Partly from the pain of being moved from a spot I thought I was clearly meant to stay in, and partly because of the realization that someone was rescuing me, pulling me away from the car that was just now a pile of unidentifiable metal. I couldn't be saved; it just seemed impossible and didn't go with my plan.
When I was in the hospital was the only time I could recall my mother caring or fussing over me. She was there constantly, watching, wringing her hands and occasionally crying.
Then, after about a week, the doctor announced my move to here until I was deemed "mentally stable." I was staring hard at the small plant on the bedside table while my mother fought furiously with the doctor in the hallway. The plant was so sure on its path in life, growing up, up , until nature just decided that its lifespan was spent. Its life purpose so simple, grow until it just dies. No problems of side roads.
I glanced around my dark indigo room at all the plants that were placed in it. All of them growing until it was decided that they had lived as full a life as they were meant to. I liked the stability of plants, the sureness of their path and the contentment of knowing this. I stayed looking at the plant closet to the foot of the bed, the one that the petal had fallen off of and I had given to Saix.
How could I believe that he was my rock? I was my own rock. I had gotten this far, I could still continue my life such as it is, when I got out of here. I would probably never see Saix again after I left. I didn't plan on seeing any of them again, not even Vexen.
Vexen. I looked away from the plant and at the clock; I bet the old insomniac was still up. I thought, leaving the bed and slowly opening the door, silently rejoicing that the door was unlocked. The hallways were busier than I had expected, and it took several minutes to get up to Vexen's room.
When I knocked, the door opened almost immediately. The look on Vexen's face was almost comical, as he clearly wasn't expecting it to be me. Seconds later he lips were pursed together, eyes narrowing.
"What do you want?" He said expression as unchanging as ever. I drank in the sight of him. He was nice to look at. Something strange attracted me to him that I had yet to figure out, but I wasn't bothering with it too much.
"I wanted to talk to you." I ducked under his arm and let myself in, sitting down in my usual place on the edge of the desk.
He closed the door, returning to this chair. "About what?" He didn't look at me, but I knew what was going through his mind. Resist him. He's just an annoying kid. He had yet to resist me.
"I didn't have a certain topic." I swung my legs back and forth like a short attention spanned child.
"Marluxia, I don't have time to talk to you about nothing." He retorted, drumming his fingers on the desk lightly.
"What else are you going to do?" I asked. He continued staring straight down, silent.
"Fine. I get to pick the topic." He said, finally raising his head to look at me. "Are you okay?"
The question took me off-guard. I stopped swinging my legs. "I'm fine. Why you do ask?"
"I saw what happened with Saix in the hallway today." He replied coolly, still looking at me. For once, I was unable to look back at him.
"Oh." Was all I said. I had come to see Vexen to get my mind off of that.
"He's not good for you." He continued, heavy silence quickly following his words.
"Oh and you are?" I bit off the end of the words, surprised by the bitterness in my tone.
"No, what I'm saying is that he is mentally abusive to you. You are a toy, a temporary one." Vexen said calmly. He raised a slim eyebrow at me.
"I am not. And if I was, I could easily stop it. I'm not his lap dog." MY words lost the bitterness I had held before, now that I wanted it.
"Marluxia, you are attached to him. You can't just cut him off like you say and you know that." He hadn't talked to me like this before. He seemed concerned.
"What does it matter? Especially to you." My voice was still weak, no confidence present.
"Honestly, I have no idea why I give you damn. You are so intolerable, but at the same time I hate seeing you hurt and in pain." This was not the Vexen I knew. He was never this focused or concerned about me.
"You're attracted to me." I smiled, watching him as he processed this.
"You are too. You started it, with your damn tease natured and uncontested attractiveness." He sneered, back to the grumpy old man I knew.
"So what are you going to do about it?" His sneer deepened as he scowled.
"What do you mean Marluxia?" He asked, sounding incredibly annoyed and tired.
"I mean exactly what I said." I leaned forward so I could see his face better. "What are you going to do about it?" I repeated, lowering my voice.
He leaned towards me, staring heavily into my eyes but he didn't do what I expected and pulled away from me. "Go to bed." He said, eyeing my incredulously.
"Why?" You aren't going to be sleeping anytime soon either." I straightened back up, ignoring the slight disappointment.
"You need to." He stood and grabbed my wrist, gently, and pulled me off the desk, opening the door with the other hand. "Trust me." With that he nudged me out into the hall.
"Good night." The door clicked. By now, the halls were empty save for the night guards.
I grumbled and cursed my way back to my room. Kicking me out was the last thing I thought he would do. I grabbed the knob to my door, turning it roughly. IT didn't budge. Surprised, I twisted it hard both ways until I noticed the lock was slid shut. The keys were needed to lock and unlock them.
I stared at the door, cursing my bad day that kept getting worse, even thought it was minutes from being over. A night guard rounded the corner, whistling. Quickly, I ducked back into the staircase, taking the stairs three at a time. I heard the guard start up the stairs just as I rounded the corner at the top. He had no idea that he was following me.
Once again I found myself at Vexen's door, knocking in quick, short raps. I waited; listening to the guard's whistling bounce off the walls of the stair well. Vexen didn't answer. Slightly panicked now I rapped harder, hitting my knuckles against the wood again and again until the door finally creaked open.
Without hesitating and bothering with formalities, I pushed it open the rest of the way and quickly slipped inside. I shoved the door shut with my foot. Vexen just stared at me.
"What in sans hell are you doing back here again?" He was cross. I noticed that the room was now dark, lit only by the moonlight. The comforter on the bed was thrown back and ruffled.
"My door was locked, and there was a guard." He just stared at me.
"So you came back here." It wasn't a question. He rubbed his hand across his eyes.
"Of course I did." I pressed up against the door, listening for the guard. Silence met me. Relaxed, I backed away from the door and turned back to Vexen.
"When are you leaving? I'm tired, and I want to go back to bed." He crossed his arms, narrowing his eyes at me.
"Where do you want me to go? My door won't be open until morning." He sighed again, looking over at the door, an almost longing expression on his face.
"You can't stay here." He said finally, still looking away.
"Why not? Why are you so bent on getting rid of me tonight? You usually give in." I glanced at his bed, suddenly realizing how tired I was.
"Because Marluxia we can't continue this. You belong to Saix." He replied, a strange tinge on his words.
"I thought you were just trying to convince me earlier that he was no good for me." At this his eyes narrowed again.
"Don't try to twist this around. You know what I'm saying. It is only a matter of time before he finds this out." He sounded sort of…sad at this.
"Oh and what do you think he has been doing all these times that he is too 'busy' for me? I know he has had something with Xemnas for ages now." Abruptly I stopped, my words taking myself by surprise. Vexen caught onto this and smirked.
"Finally admitting things to yourself?" He said, his smirk growing.
"And you admitted earlier that you are indeed attracted to me." I said, crossing my arms over my chest.
"I told you, don't try to twist this around. You have to go. We can't do this anymore." The feeling of hurt spread from my chest again at his words. I looked down at the carpet. Out of the corner of my eye I could see that he was still looking at the door.
"Come on Marluxia. You know I'm right. You are such a confusing boy to me, and I can't figure out what draws me to you. I am no fan of yours, you know that. And yet, I feel like I need you, which is downright asinine. Breaking this off seems to be the most logical thing to do. Even if this was something besides mindless attraction between us, it wouldn't be solid." I continued to stare at the floor, refusing to believe what he was saying.
"But there is an attraction, one that you know if you break this 'thing' off will drive you crazy and you will still be trying to figure it out. So it is a pointless move to do so." I was right, I knew I was. The silence from him only proved my point further.
"You can't, you can't." I started mumbling, trying to twist my mind around what was happening. I balled my hands into fists, digging my fingers hard into my palm.
"Marluxia please." Vexen's voice cut through my ramblings. I stopped so I could hear him, but he didn't say anymore. My breath quickened, and a mantra started running through my head.
You're fine, your okay, everything is alright. Over and over, I focused everything on the words, but I couldn't get myself to believe them. Nothing was ever supposed to end up like this. I was never meant to become so attached, to dependant on someone else, and somehow I had become stuck on two people. But now it seemed like I needed Vexen more than Saix, though I would prefer it that I needed neither. Vexen was right. This was nothing solid and my relationship, whatever it was, with Saix wasn't solid either. I was still alone in the world, trying to hold onto something fictitious.
I must have been cracking, because suddenly Vexen's arms were wrapped around me, pulling me towards him. My head connected his shoulder. I could feel his breath on my hair, cool and steady. He held me as close to him as he could, saying everything he needed to through touch. He couldn't let me go, no matter how hard he tried to.
"You're okay, everything will be okay." He murmured into my hair, sounding almost like the mantra that had been running through my mind. We stayed like that for a long time, until I pulled back far enough to look at him. He looked back, eyes unreadable.
"You can stay here tonight, but it doesn't mean that we should keep this up." His lips were thin, almost in a grimace. He turned towards the bed and pulled me after him. Willingly, I followed, letting him pull me. The sight of the bed reminded me again how tired and worn out I was.
The bed and sheets were cold and comforting, and immediately I relaxed into them. Vexen lay down after me, lying as close to the edge of the bed as he could get and still be in the bed. I pressed my back against the wall. I closed my eyes, listening to him shuffling around and toss and turn.
After awhile he sighed and moved towards the center of the bed. I waited a moment before gravitating towards the middle too. I didn't fall asleep until he had wrapped an arm around my shoulders, surrendering to his emotions.
Getting back to my room was tricky. Sometime in the night whoever had forgotten to lock Vexen's door had come back and locked it, so I had to wait until it had been unlocked again. I was almost back to my room when I was confronted by a nurse who was standing in front of my door.
"How are you out of your room?" She was holding the key in her hand, looking suspiciously at me.
"I had a minor problem. Another nurse let me out of my room. She must have locked the door again after I left and forgot." The lie came smoothly. I gave her my best smile, and immediately she gave in.
"Well, you must be right. We have a few new nurses that are kind of airheads." She nodded, convincing herself of this. Spinning around she unlocked my door, pushing it open for me.
"Thank you." I breezed past her into the room. Being in it felt strange, as if it has been eons since I had left it. I moved around to each of the plants in the room, checking each one as I passed it. All of them were fine, slowly moving inch by inch towards the end of its lifespan.
Saix hardly acknowledged me most of the day, as per usual. Now however, it didn't bother me as much as it had before. In fact, I hardly paid attention to it.
It wasn't until the day after that, when I was sitting on the couch on the lounge, shamelessly watching Vexen move about the room. I felt my hand sink on the cushion next to me as sudden weight appeared next to me. I looked up, surprised to see Saix occupying the once empty space, smiling at me.
"Hey." His voice was light and talkative. Instantly I felt my guard go up. He was different, acting like he used to around me in the beginning. Slowly as time went on he acted like this less and less. This was the first time he had came to me first in ages.
"Hi." I replied, remembering that I needed to acknowledge him sometime. "What is the matter." I continued. He looked confused.
"Nothing is the matter. Is there something the matter with you?" He said. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Vexen stand up from his usual chair, brushing invisible dust off of him.
"No. But you're talking to me. Willingly." I kept watching Vexen, who was now studying an unseen spot on his shirt.
"Is that wrong or something? Marluxia, you are mine, and I can talk to you when I want to." The harshness that had been the norm with him for what seemed like ages now lined the edges of his words.
"Well why are you suddenly not 'busy?'" Vexen had turned and was starting towards the door when Lexaeus suddenly intercepted him. They started talking, Vexen crossing his arms over his chest.
"Because I'm not busy. I want to talk to you." Saix sounded determined. He reached out and placed his hand over my knee. As if by instinct, I tensed. I thought of what Vexen had told me a few days earlier. Because Marluxia we can't continue this. You belong to Saix. Just minutes ago Saix had said something similar without even realizing it. You are mine. Vexen was right, I couldn't have them both. It was irrational and I couldn't continue like this.
"Marluxia." Saix snapped. I focused only on him. His eyes narrowed. He had noticed I wasn't exactly paying attention to him.
"There is something strange about you today." He continued, having completely dropped the relaxed tone he had sat down with.
"I could say the same about you." I replied. Over his head, I watched Vexen finish with whatever he was saying to Lexaeus and walk out of the door, leaving without a backwards glance.
Who said that out of the two the one I had to be with was Saix? Clearly, Saix and I were not working, both of us knew it.
"Fine. Clearly I am not on your agenda right now." He pulled his hand away. "But I will find you later." He stood up, nonchalantly kissing my forehead before he turned away and left, but not before exchanging what I'm sure he thought was a sly glance with Xemnas as he passed him. I watched him leave, the sureness and determination that had punched his parting words.
I couldn't just be rid of him, like I had foolishly thought. I couldn't explain it, not even to myself, but Saix had dug his hook into me more than just a 'relationship.' I wasn't even sure what it was between us. I re-played the vision of Vexen leaving in my head again. I couldn't just get rid of what was with Saix, but I wasn't ready to give up Vexen. I had to accept that now.
I pushed off the couch and took my own turn leaving the room. I gave the monitor a smooth excuse that he immediately bought, and quickly left, heading back towards my room. It was midday, and the halls were packed. I weaved my way through the crowd, avoiding as much contact and attention that I could.
I was almost to my room when something behind me made me stop short. It felt like someone was staring at me, trying to burn holes in the back of my head. Quickly I turned around, just as a nurse in a stark white uniform walked passed me. I had just realized that there was no one staring at me at all, when the nurse's hand shot out and latched hard onto my arm just below my elbow. It hurt, and it burned.
I yelped, throwing my other arm out to push the nurse away. They seemed unfazed as they let go and continued walking away. I examined the burn mark on my arm that grabbed almost all the way around that was in the perfect shape of a hand, such a dark color I instantly knew I would always have the impression of it there. I spun around, looking for the nurse, who was nowhere to be seen. The white should have been easy to spot, since none of the patients or staff ever wore it since Dr. Dunbar had declared it too 'hospital-like' of a color.
But there was nothing unusual, and the nurse was gone. I kept staring in disbelief in the direction the nurse had disappeared.
"Marluxia? Are you alright?" I turned back to face a nurse who I recognized, wearing a bright pink dress. She was looking at me, concerned. I had been rubbing at the spot on my arm as I had been looking for the mystery nurse. The pink nurse noticed I was holding onto my arm and reached out and pulled my hand away.
"Is there something wrong with your arm?" She asked, tilting her head to the side. I wanted to scream at her, of course! Can't you see the massive mark on my arm? But just as I opened my mouth to yell at her I noticed there was nothing there. The hand impression that had been so clearly burned onto my skin was gone.
Impossible. There was still pain and the burning sensation was making it hard to concentrate. "No, I guess not." I stammered. "I really need to go the restroom."
"Alright, but just find me if you need anything, okay?" She backed off a few feet, watching me warily. I turned and went passed my room and into the bathroom, running the facet on the coldest it could get over my arm. The burning feeling numbed a little, but I could still feel it. But my skin was clear, no trace of imperfection on it. It was almost like the handprint was burned underneath my skin.
Eventually I turned the water off. The burning was still there, prickling and painful.